Have you ever wanted to cause the creative demise of the inventor of something?
My father had a fatal flaw. He envisioned himself as a Mr. Fix It, but he wasn’t very good at it, and he didn’t have much patience. This resulted in colorful language my mother did not approve of and, if we could successfully hide, much amusement for us as kids.
One legendary blow-up occurred when he was attempting to fix the toilet. After something went wrong, he roared, “If I could get my hands on the son of a bitch that invented this piece of crap, I’d stick his head down it and flush.” Weak from rolling on the floor and laughing—toilet humor is always popular with kids—we never forgot.
This morning, after fruitlessly searching Microsoft Word 2007 Help, (what else is new) watching their unhelpful demos, trying six million (OK, it seemed like six million) different phrases (because Microsoft does not think like you and me), I lost it, and in the spirit of my long-gone dad, screamed at my computer, “If I had the son of a bitch who invented this piece of crap, I would chain him to wander in Word Help through all eternity.”
In case you care, I googled Close Header and Footer, and got help from Microsoft Word for Dummies (Stop snickering; I was happy to wear the label at that point.).
So, tell me your story.
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49 Answers
If I had the son of a bitch who invented D&D crap, I would put him in a room where ROCKS FALL EVERYONE DIES.
Stupid friends ruined me on D&D.
The guy who invented the pull-string lawn mower would be mowed to bits.
If I had the son of a bitch who invented sump-pumps I would feed the outflow into his butt and make him a fountain on my lawn.
I always get sprayed when I am fixing them
The guy who thought up cubicles as a way of incarcerating office workers. I’m sure hell is full of them.
the guy who invented those commercials were two people talk to each other on the radio.
the guy who decided it was wise to pay for incoming cell phone calls, when wall phones don’t work that way.
the guy who invented DRM.
two words: pet sweaters.
two more words: Microsoft Windows.
please note, substitute girl where guy is if appropriate
The guy who invented windows vista.
@Dog I wish I could give you more than one GA!
Spam. Microsoft Windows. Telemarketing.
Stephanie Meyer, creator of Twilight.
Biggest waste of time EVER.
I got the books for Christmas and figured, hey, why not read them to see if they’re good? They weren’t. I want all of the time I spent reading them back.
Perfume. I always get stuck in line next to a perfume abuser. Gives me a terrible headache!
Here’s another one: touchpads for laptop computers.
The inventor of the car alarm should, at the very least, be subjected to intermittent episodes of unnecessary and unprovoked cacaphony, in the middle of the night for preference. Death might be a little harsh.
Whoever in the hell thought it was a good idea to package products in thermoformed plastic. By the time I’m finished opening one of those damned things I’ve either got a steak knife or a pair of scissors in my hands with the shredded remains of that god forsaken stuff lying scattered and insensate on my kitchen counter thinking, “Who’s next?! Who wants some?”
It’s sometimes hard to resist the urge to manically dance around the island in the middle of the kitchen chanting blood rites while hoisting the newly freed item as if it were a terrible soul destroying demon bent on attaining revenge from whoever trapped it within it’s glossy transparent tomb.
the inventor of automated robotic sales calls.
hang-em high!
The guy who decided college dorms should have key cards instead of actual keys should be doomed to be locked out of his house because his damn key card doesn’t work!
@RandomMrdan Hilarious! Thanks. I have been known to shriek through clenched teeth, “Die, you stupid paper clip, die!” while hitting the close button. Office Assistant probably caused that person to start writing that note!
Lurve for that bloody paper clip that stalls everything out as it asks you what you are doing and if you want help doing it…
Tar and feather!
Deeeeaaaath! to whoever thought it was a good idea to bunch everything so close together on mobos. I have tiny hands, true, but I feel as though I’m being flensed like a whale every time I swap something out of my desktop.
KatawaGrey, it’s not just college dorm rooms. My employer uses them, as do most hotels I stay at now.
Of course, just two days ago, I bent my real metal key in my apartment building’s door lock, so that wasn’t much better…
@MrItty: This is true, metal keys can have their problems, but I can’t tell you how often I’ve had arms full of groceries or books and I’ve had to swipe my card 5 or 6 times before it’s worker… grr
Death to whoever thought it was a good idea to do away with real live people to answer the phone. Menus to go through. Punch 1…punch 2….yeah, I’d like to punch, alright!!!!!!!!!
I don’t know if he’s an inventor, but I’d like touch the Oxiclean guy who keeps screaming at me through my TV.
Whoever invented overseas tech support.
What about the ShamWow guy?
The person who designed ink cartridges that hold less than an ounce of ink and charge $30.00 to replace it. The same people also designed the jets that clog making you run the utility that sucks up ink.
(Having *@$% printer issues today)
@kruger_d yes…...Billy Mayes!!! GRRRRRRR…......
The one who I’d like to kill is the broad on the Progressive car ins. commercial. God, that’s irritating!!!!!!! And they run the damn thing every 5 minutes!
@jbfletcherfan which don’t you like about her? the shrill, perky voice? or the 18lbs of makeup?
check this out
she’s been on mad men! what’s worse, she’s signed up for 12 more ads!
Aw, hell!
When she did that one with the New Year’s Eve horn, I just wanted to shove it up her ass! I bet she’d get a toot out of that!!!
@jbfletcherfan people thinks she’s sexy apparently. i’ll give her this much: she doesn’t look 38. of course, i would look a lot different in clown makeup myself.
she looks better without it, for sure.
That’s not make-up! That’s Spackle!
haha it takes 2 hrs to put it on!
Death to the inventor of flathead screws and screwdriver. If they are already dead lets bring them back to life and kill them again. They are a lot harder to use than Phillips,stardrive, square etc. They have made me bust some knuckles before. I wouldn’t mind a bill being passed to outlaw flatheads.
@buster Are you saying you would you crush their heads? Hee!
@buster Erggghhhh! Yes, I totally agree.
Especially really shallow flathead screws.
The layout on the old Prius. Fail.
Every time I reach for the radio dial,
my hand hits the shift knob.
Every time that happens, there should
be a mechanical arm that bops
the designer in the head.
Not a demise per se. But a fitting punishment methinks.
@aprilsimnel I would totally crush their heads. Now you are flathead!
I’d like to make the person who invented those stereoscopic images and then hit them on the back real hard so that their eyes stick like that.
although this one is pretty cool
@eponymoushipster I love the shamwow guy, that guy is trying to stick it to the church of scientology. I commend him and support his efforts. I plan to buy his slap chop device for cutting foods. Not too sure about the shamwow thing though.
@RandomMrdan SLAP CHOP! wait- are you saying Vince is actually the head of Anonymous?!
pretty much all automobile engineers in general. You have to be a rocket scientist to fix your own damn car anymore. I’d line them up on the road and run over their pointy little heads while laughing maniacally.
@evelyns_pet_zebra that’s the point. You CAN’T fix your own car anymore. Other than oil changes & the basic stuff, you have to have the computers to diagnose problems & get them fixed. All at high, high prices…of course.
@jbfletcherfan , you can thank Uncle for at least part of that. In order to keep emissions within EPA requirements and still have enough power to get out of their own way, cars need to have all of those complicated sensors and computer controls. In theory, they reduce engine problems – but you pay out the nose to get one of the damned sensors replaced when it goes out.
But I would like to kill the guy who thought up traction control, especially when they put it on a stick shift car. Sometimes you build things because you must. Sometimes you do it just because you can.
@IchtheosaurusRex…hi. :-) This is true. we have all of this fancy air control stuff & it drives down the MPG you get on a car. And the cars that DO have the high, high mileage are so ugly that I wouldn’t drive them around the block.
@jbfletcherfan , the MPG is pretty good relative to the net horsepower. My 1987 Honda Accord LXi had 110 HP and got around 33 MPG. My 2002 Acura RSX has 200 HP and gets about 23, in town. I miss the gas mileage, but it’s more fun to drive.
But back in the dumb idea department: I was just over at that other place we hang out, and some poor schmuck had disconnected the battery from his car and lost the radio code. Radio code? I’d like to meet the fool who thought a thief would bother trying to steal a crappy factory car radio, especially when they’re form-fit to the dashboard of a specific model.
@IchtheosaurusRex I saw that! I’m NEVER there anymore, but I had a Q forwarded to me, so I was floating around. Was he talking about when a battery is disconnected the radio stations are lost? As all you do is program them back in!!! I might be a dumb female, but even I know that!
@jbfletcherfan , no, it’s much worse. Most factory installed car radios have unlock codes that have to be entered on the station preset buttons if the radio is removed from the car, or if all power is removed from the radio. This is what happens when you take the battery out of the car; everything that normally gets a trickle of power to keep its memory – like the clock, for instance – resets.
I hear about this problem all the time. When I bought my car, the dealer wrote the radio code inside my owner’s manual. But when you buy a car used, you might not get it with the owner’s manual, or the original owner may have lost it. Without it, you can’t even turn the radio on. Dumb. Like I said, the radios installed at the factory are pretty cheap. Nobody would want to steal one.
@IchtheosaurusRex Hmmmm…I just bought my car new 6 months ago. So there’s a radio code, huh? Guess I’d better get it.
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