General Question

wundayatta's avatar

How do people get away with affairs?

Asked by wundayatta (58321 points ) February 4th, 2009

I mean, where do they find the time? Most of us are scheduled out the wazoo, and there’s no way to free up time for such a thing. And even if it were possible, one’s spouse could easily catch one out by making a phone call to where we said we’d be. Lying and covering would become a full time job.

If you’ve ever been cheated on, how did your spouse carry it off (at least for a while). Or, if you’re brave and have had an affair, how did you keep it from your spouse?

Finally, if you’ve been in this situation, did you or your spouse ever come clean about it? If so, was it because you were caught, or because you chose to come clean?

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41 Answers

chyna's avatar

@daloon Are you seeking direction here? Just kidding.

AstroChuck's avatar

ashleymadison.com. The website run by people without morals.
Happy now?

queenzboulevard's avatar

I remember a movie where they would meet up every day on their lunch breaks and do da dirtay.

I have no clue if that’s what goes down, but it seems logical.

Harp's avatar

Removed by me

jonsblond's avatar

I think that the person being cheated on is wearing blinders and will believe anything their spouse tells them. How the person actually finds the time to cheat, no clue.

cookieman's avatar

My wife and I have discussed this at length.

We had a friend, engaged to be married – about a month prior to the wedding, she finds out her fiancè had been carrying on an affair for NINE YEARS (they had only been together for ten years).

To this day, we cannot figure out how the hell he pulled it off.

He had a full time job, seemed to spend a lot of time with his fiancè – I have no idea how this can be accomplished. Crazy.

cwilbur's avatar

An extra hour and a half one night a week, “working late.” Except you left work an hour early. Bowling night with the guys. Business trips that go on in truth for 3 days, but in actuality for 5 days, with a day at the end at the partner’s place.

It helps if the partner is trusting.

Sakata's avatar

I’ve written this answer about 5 different times and deleted all of ‘em. How about this…

Being careful, finding time, and covering it up are all very easy tasks when something is being hidden.

It’s easy. If someone really wants to fuck someone else they will.

I would know… I’ve been on all three sides of it

dlm812's avatar

I know this is a little different than being married, but seeing as how I’m not married (yet) this is just my little bit of relation: My high school boyfriend somehow pulled it off by cheating on me with one of my best friends. I didn’t have a problem with him hanging out with my friends/girls without me because I trusted him. That was my mistake – I trusted him. As it turned out, when he was “hanging” out with her (and other friends of ours I might add).. they were not just hanging out. Finally, when one of my close guy friends found out, he told me. I confronted my boyfriend, he lied, we broke up. Needless to say I did not stay friends with any of those people – except for the guy that told me.

elijah's avatar

If someone wants to cheat, they find the time. No one is scheduled 24/7. It’s quite easy. A lot of times the person being cheated on ignores the signs because they are afraid to deal with the truth. Sometimes they ignore it because they are doing it too.

chyna's avatar

@dlm812 I hope that doesn’t burn you out on trusting people. Not all friends are untrustworthy.

KrystaElyse's avatar

Whoa…I had no idea sites like ashleymadison.com even existed. “Life is short. Have an affair.” WTF?

You’d be surprised at what people are capable of…

dynamicduo's avatar

@KrystaElyse – if you think that’s bad, you’d be way more surprised if you learn of the millions of websites out there which are way worse than that. The internet is full of free speech, and many people think and speak things that you’d never consider in your life. But consider that people would have these thoughts even if the internet didn’t exist. Affairs would still exist if ashleymadison.com was shut down. Thus, how bad can the website be, if it exists to serve a need that already exists in the world?

Sakata's avatar

@dlm812 & @chyna I’ve learned to trust people with the expectation of being screw over. Kinda one of those “expect the worst, hope for the best” things.

But I’ve got a lot of reasons for all that.

KrystaElyse's avatar

@dynamicduo – You’re right! People will have affairs either way, it’s not a new trend. I was just taken back a bit by the website.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

If you want to bad enough, you’ll figure it out.

dlm812's avatar

@chyna I didn’t trust anyone for a long time, but I’ve learned to trust a few and be wary of others , if that makes sense. The day I met my fiance, I knew that I could trust him with my heart, my life, and my future. There was just something about him. I wasn’t expecting it. I also now have exactly two friends whom I fully trust. Everyone else I have learned to enjoy their relationships, but not invest too much.

Jack79's avatar

Well first of all I haven’t been in this situation, though I’ve been cheate on twice by live-in girlfriends. In the first case I was away for a month, she went out one night and got drunk and had a one-night stand. She told me the next day. In the second, it was planned and happened one day when I was supposed to be out of town. I actually made it back on time but my gf insisted we couldn’t sleep together that night, and generally acted very weird that day and the next one. It was obvious that something fishy was going on, but she only admitted it several weeks later. Her plan basically didn’t work at all.

I think that in order to even need an “affair”, the relationship must already be pretty bad. So the spouce will probably not check on you that much because he/she doesn’t care enough. And in many cases won’t even care about the affair. I know I wish my ex wife had an affair and got the hell out of the house. She was just driving me nuts. And I’m sure she’d probably like me to have one too.

So I think that the most important question is not “how” but “why”. And when you know “why”, then “how” becomes obvious.

Sakata's avatar

“I think that in order to even need an “affair”, the relationship must already be pretty bad.”

Not true

nebule's avatar

by lying (in both senses of the word) very cleverly and corruptly

GAMBIT's avatar

I don’t believe anyone really “gets away” with anything the man in the mirror knows exactly what you did last night.

Sakata's avatar

@GAMBIT What if you have no conscience?

SuperMouse's avatar

It is certainly a lot of work, and there is a lot of guilt that goes along with the work. JonsBlond actually hit the nail right on the head, the person being cheated on doesn’t want to know what is going on, that makes the whole thing quite a bit easier.

laureth's avatar

My aunt’s ex-husband had an affair. He bought a big rig and said he’d gotten a job driving stuff across country, and he would be “on the road” for a few days at a time, maybe a week here and there. He even called “from the road” to say hi. (This was in the 70s, before Caller ID.) The game was up when she drove on the other side of town and noticed his rig in his girlfriend’s driveway.

This is an expensive way to make time, though. He was crappy with money anyway, and it would have come out eventually. In the meantime, though, I almost had to admire his cojones.

An ex boyfriend of mine who was cheating on me got a phone call from his daughter every morning on her way to school, when he was sleeping at my place. It was so cute, he would even say “I love you” at the end. Of course, early morning here is lunch time in England, which was where his other girlfriend was calling from. Eventually they got married and she moved over here.

Jack79's avatar

A husband notices his wife has this new diamond ring.
“where did you get that honey?” he asks.
“Oh I was in this restaurant the other day and I went to wash my hands and it was right there. Someone must have left it. There was nobody around so I kept it”
“Gosh you’re lucky. And it fits too. All I ever found was these dirty pants in our bed and they were not even my size!”

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Perhaps the person who is overscheduled and has no time is because the other person is underscheduled, or their schedule includes time to cheat, somewhere between “drop Muffy off for sleepover”, and “pick up dry cleaning.” My husband “goes to the office” on the weekend. Poor baby, no wonder he’s out of breath.

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

I am guilty. Worst mistake I have made and will ever make in my life. It was easy to get away with because my wife trusted me.. I didn’t have to be very elaborate with my lies.. I came clean because I love my wife and will gladly spend forever proving it now… and gaining back her trust. I would suggest that anyone who has done it, is doing it, or is thinking about doing it.. check out a book called “Love and respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. There is also a love and respect website.

Put some effort into understanding and living the material presented and you will be so glad you did when you are a happy old couple… and for those of you thinking about doing it… I beg you not to do it…I beg you for your own sake and for your spouses sake.. it is indescribably hurtful to everyone involved..

jonsblond's avatar

@NaturalMineralWater Beautifully put. Can’t say anything more.

GAMBIT's avatar

@Sakata – yes I see what you mean I would think that the people that haven’t any conscience would still know that they did it but they just wouldn’t care much about it.

Sloane2024's avatar

My dad has been cheating on my mom for only God knows how many years out of the 20 they’ve been married. I use the present tense because we’re in the third year of a nasty divorce, and, legally, they’re still married. >:( He’s a work-a-holic, so he’d spend hours up at his office and weeks away on business trips. His primary affair is with his financial secretary… They even have a kid together, but, despite how unbelievably obvious it is, he denies that the toddler is his. He’s the most manipulative, deceitful, and conniving human being I’ve ever met… He’d stalk my mom at night, following her into the kitchen when she’d need something to eat or drink because he honestly believed that because he was cheating on his spouse, she had to be doing the same thing… which, for the record, she WASN’T.

When your man stops wanting to have sex but has penis enhancers in his bathroom, yeah, there’s something up, and, good chances are, it’s not with you.

nebule's avatar

@Sloane2024 that’s really quite sad, the the father of the father of my child (who i’m not with incidentally) does the same with his wife and i can’t imagine what an effect it has on their children..

fireside's avatar

In my hometown, there was a guy up the street that was a travelling salesman. When he died, both of his wives showed up to the funeral.

Apparently, he had two complete families with a wife and kids that he had been carrying on for years. He would live with one family on the weekends and another family during the week.

Forget how he got away with it, I’m wondering how he could have possibly had the energy to deal with two whole families.

SuperMouse's avatar

@fireside, my great-great grandfather had two completely separate families as well. He had two wives and they each had several of his children. My grandfather actually knew most of his illegitimate aunts and uncles and visited them on several occasions. It is amazing to me to think one man would have the energy to keep up with such a set-up.

fireside's avatar

@SuperMouse – and what about the money? It’s not cheap to raise two separate families.

trailsillustrated's avatar

in the end, they don’t

AnonymousWoman's avatar

I think it’s actually very easy to do. I had a boyfriend who cheated on me. I trusted him. That made it easier for him to do. Much later on, he’d tell me that him and the girl did it during “spare periods”. I found it easier to forgive him because I was hiding my relationship with him from my parents for a very long time. You just learn not to talk about it. Not saving logs helps, too. Behaviour can give you away, though. My dad could tell I had a boyfriend by the way I was acting (as he’d later tell me). I could tell something was up with my boyfriend at the time by the way he was acting. His behaviour was just strange. I ended up finding out on my own. I also viewed it as a punishment for lying to my parents and going behind their back. The truth comes out eventually.

Just_Justine's avatar

I am not sure not having had any affairs, but I have a friend who is having one, for over two years now. She works really hard, so maybe they do stuff during “work hours”. Her mother did the same thing to her father. Her mothers affairs has being going on for 20 years. He knows about it now, but I am sure he didn’t for ages. I think like @AnonymousGirl said, if the person trusts you its easier. Some girlfriends or wives keep a tight rope on their partners. So I would imagine it is harder. It’s probably a lot of effort, time, energy etc., to keep it going both secret wise, and affair wise. I couldn’t be bothered personally, I find one partner exhausting.

Aster's avatar

Nothing to it. My ex simply DROVE OFF in the middle of the night!
And his mother saw it and brought it up next morning; he was silent. what brass.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

I never worried about my husband having an affair because:
1. I had all his money, so if some hussy wanted to put out for nothing, then whatever…
2. He came straight home from work every day and I got his paycheck, so could see that he wasn’t missing hours.
3. He was never gone and unaccounted for. All he did was go to work and come home, and we spent all of our free time together.
4. His appetite for sex was insatiable. I’m sure he couldn’t possibly have anything left for anyone else.
5. He was a creature of habit. I think I would know if he was acting different or weird, or even broke his routine.

captainsmooth's avatar

My ex had an afffair. I didn’t want to believe all the things that added up to the truth.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

If the person trusts you, they’re not going to call the place you said you’d be at. It’s not hard to have an affair, logistically.

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