What do you consider better; being naturally romantic or making the effort to be romantic because you know your SO requires it?

Both are good types of men. I love when men are naturally romantic because they don’t have to think about it, it just comes to them. They don’t need the hints and such. Oh the other hand though, I find it extremely actractive when a guy tries to be romantic because he is making an effort. Of course – this all depends on his attitude about though. I’ve encountered men who aren’t naturally romantic, but who make a genuine effort to please a woman, or man, by doing romantic things. I’ve also encountered men who aren’t naturally romantic and who grudgingly perform “romantic” acts just because they want something in return and you can tell that their whole heart isn’t in it.

Any relationship is give and take. We all do things that normally we would not. It just shows that we care. I would go an extra mile for my wife if I knew that it would make her happy.

The first years of our relationship I had to figure out what exactly made her the most happiest. Now that we have been married awhile I have a pretty good idea.

I don’t really consider one of those two to be better than then other, as they’re both better than their alternatives: a boyfriend who isn’t romantic, or who knows it means a lot to you yet chooses to not make the effort.

In terms of which is better, though, I would say it really depends on what you value. If you value a guy who is romantic and loves expressing his love in small ways, then a natural romantic may be better than a man who tries to be romantic. If, on the other hand, you are someone who is nonchalant about romance, you may find the romantic man and his actions to be annoying/pestering, and thus may prefer the non-naturally romantic man.

What’s not good is when people don’t make their thoughts clear to each other. For example, in a relationship involving a romance-loving woman and a non-romantic man, the woman may feel neglected by not having romantic gestures shown to her, but if she has not explicitly told the man how she appreciates romantic gestures, the man can’t be held accountable – how is he supposed know what she wants if she doesn’t communicate it? If, however, she tells him and he makes attempts at pleasing her by showing her romantic gestures, I would consider this to be a shining example of the key principle in relationships: compromise.

@lynne – so would this be different for a romantic husband and a non-romantic wife?

Love should make you romantic. If you are honestly in love, why wouldn’t you show it? Maybe you don’t become an extreme romantic, but you will do little romantic things to show your love. If the person I’m dating has to make an effort to prove they love me, then I don’t want it.

On the list of things I have to have in a mate, romantic gestures is fairly far down the list. Much more important to me is a sense of humor, intelligence, steadiness, commitment to me and the relationship, sexual chemistry and compatibility.

So, if I had the first type of guy, I’d enjoy it. If I had the second, I’d treasure the tangible reminder that he loved me enough to try for me, because I knew that was not his style.

There is no such thing as a naturally romantic man. It takes a lot of mental energy to keep it up. There needs to be a significant reward(I’m sure you can use your imagination.) This doesn’t mean we dont care or love. It is just our chemical composition in our brain. For a relationship to work each partner needs to give the other what they need. If this is happening then the man will seem romantic, and the woman will seem sexually driven. If this isnt happeneing then someone needs to step up and put in extra effort to bring it back. Both partners can do this.

o0, you must not know a lot of different guys then, because your claim of “There is no such thing as a naturally romantic man.” is provably false. Of course there are men who are naturally romantic. I’ve met them myself.

@o0

I beg to differ. My guy is naturally romantic. For him, it’s a lifestyle and a personality trait, not something he just “has to work at”. We are long past the infatuation stage and he’s STILL writing me poems, sending cards/flowers, fussing at me because I didn’t cuddle with him after intimacy etc.

He’s not the only one either. I know there are guys like him out there. You just need to find them. I think the reason why many guys aren’t romantic is that they are afraid of being seen as a “pussy” by their male friends. Social pressure is HUGE.

@steelmarket no i think in essence it would be the same…but..no…yeah… yes…the same applies… just trying to work that one out…

@o0 OH dear… i think that’s really unfair… i think people (;-) @steelmarket ) can be naturally romantic…but then you see i think we’re goign to get involved in the question…what is classed as romantic…?

Men don’t require affection the way women do. I’m not saying we don’t need love… just in a different way. Men and women are different. You are right about my previous statement it is unfair and over exaggerated. But when I am romantic for my wife, I do so because I am trying to give her what she needs, knowing I will get what I want in return. Humans are selfish in nature. Try and deny it and pass me off as jerk. Love is an ideal… a concept to only be tasted by the human, but never truly attained.

*I should also note that I am full of bs at the moment.

o0 – very true indeed. I’ve learned this greatly in my current relationship. Men and women are simply different creatures with different needs, and the quicker people can accept this, the quicker they can move on to making compromises to alleviate or mitigate the differences.

For instance, I (a female) and my partner (a male) will be relaxing after work. I will tell him an event that happened in my day. He replies with what I should have done, even though I have not made any request for suggestions. From my viewpoint, I was simply sharing my day so that he could share his day and we can sympathize with each other, growing closer as a couple. From his point of view, I told him a story because there was a reason for it, likely a problem or issue, so he helps by suggesting a solution to the problem he deduces. This used to lead to the conversation breaking up, as I ask him why he tries to fix my problems, and he asks me why I bore him with pointless talking. Thankfully we are both logical people, so we troubleshooted this issue, and better understood it, and with such understanding comes the ability to make compromises – I talk less about my day, choosing to say only the things that really matter the most, and he understands that not everything I say is because there’s a problem to be fixed.

I’ve also been enlightened to this “train a man” concept. At first, I was quite taken back – I feel it’s a bit insulting to train a man like you would train a dog, by giving a reward when something good is done. But in talking with my partner, he sees it as not being insulting at all, but being a good way to encourage certain behaviours without me needing to explain why the behaviour is good. While I haven’t embraced training a spouse, and I doubt I ever could, I am accepting it for what it is and do use it sometimes – although I often append a few words for why I’m rewarding something. And you know what? It really helps at times.

Dynamicduo— I think the issue you bring up is very common in relationships. I learned real quick that when my wife tells me something I am just supposed to listen, unless she asks for advice. Sometimes I still accidentally make a suggestion and conflict ensues.

I feel that there is nothing wrong with “training” a person with rewards, but it goes both ways, not just train a man or train a woman. It is simply a way to share your needs. I do the dishes and clean when I get home, because I know my wife likes that, and in return I get a beer and a back scratch.

@dynamicduo Are we married to the same guy?

I use the training thing sometimes too with similar reservations, but whatever works, right?

When a man really, really interested in a woman, he usually is prone to doing the things that women think are romantic. When the relationship becomes somewhat permanent, or after the pursuit phase wears off, most men feel less urgent about a woman.

I think it is this urgency, when you can’t stop thinking about her, that results in romantic gestures. For some men, the ones you call “naturally romantic,” it seems like this feeling has not worn off. They still want to romance you. They still think you might dump them.

That’s just a hypothesis. It could be that men can be romantic with a lower level of the need to pursue. But, if my theory is true, then a woman would much rather have a man who can’t get her out of his head for the rest of their lives, than a man who has to be trained to appear romantic.

Then again, it doesn’t seem to matter whether a man really feels romantic. As long as he behaves in a romantic way, most women will feel like he still cares. If she feels like he cares, then he’s going to be happy, too, later on.

What matters, I guess, is the behavior, not the motivation for the behavior. Perhaps this is as it should be. If he engages in the romantic behavior whether he feels it, or not, it still means he cares enough to do it.

@daloon I’m with you here – I understand…but I’m crushed… I really think it does matter (or should perhaps) matter whether the motivation is there… I don’t want a man doing things for me just because he is told to…like a dog! I want a man that loves from the centre of himself, is thoughtful and the essence of why he does things romantically is because he loves me so deeply…I want him to feel it…not just go through the motions because it will put a smile on my face…is this not manipulation and not love?

oh bollocks I don’t know…

or maybe i just don’t get men’s mentality and should become a lesbian?

You want my advice, @lynneblundell? I think you should go for the lesbian idea.

I don’t think it’s manipulation. I think it’s a negotiation. We love each other, just in different ways. We trade flowers for a blowjob, a night out at your favorite entertainment, for a night of fun in bed. The trade goes both ways. We’re all selfish, wondering why our partners don’t see things our way, and do the things they know will please us. It’s natural to focus on one’s own needs.

I think women believe they watch out for others more than men do, and it certainly appears that way. Still, I think the things that men do for love are hidden, or even if in plain view, get discounted. I mean, for me, everytime I shop, or cook a meal, or mow the lawn, or fix the phones, or help get the inherited (ugly) furniture inside, it’s about love. I wouldn’t do this for just anyone. I do it for you! not you, but you, my wife, and you, my kids Anyway, if my wife’s response is anything to go by, these things just get totally missed. For her, those are just things that must be done. There is no romantic content to them. The flowers and notes and backrubs are what get noticed.

Your thinking about it the wrong way. If he makes an effort to do something that puts a smile on your face, then he is working for and being active in the relationship. That desrves a return of some kind, and then the cycle keeps on going.

@daloon Factually, I don’t disagree with you, but you certainly manage to put a depressing spin on what I think of as the very positive act of doing something for your partner, just because you know it will make them happy. Serious downer, dude!

@Marina Seriously, I don’t understand why you think that’s depressing. Or are you making a funny that even I don’t get?

Don’t you want to make your partner happy? I live for a day when she smiles all day!

I was not making a funny. I also did not mean any offense, I just found the way you phrased things a little on the bleak side:

1. “When the relationship becomes somewhat permanent, or after the pursuit phase wears off, most men feel less urgent about a woman.”

2.“They still think you might dump them.”

3.“Then again, it doesn’t seem to matter whether a man really feels romantic. As long as he behaves in a romantic way, most women will feel like he still cares. If she feels like he cares, then he’s going to be happy, too, later on.”

4.“We trade flowers for a blowjob, a night out at your favorite entertainment, for a night of fun in bed.”

5.“We’re all selfish, wondering why our partners don’t see things our way”

6.“Still, I think the things that men do for love are hidden, or even if in plain view, get discounted. I mean, for me, everytime I shop, or cook a meal, or mow the lawn, or fix the phones, or help get the inherited (ugly) furniture inside, it’s about love.”

I think it is the paradigm we are each peeking out of. Now, you may say that mine is rose-colored, but I think those things you say can be viewed in a more positive light:

In the case of 1. That is true for both sexes, but once the urgency leaves, it can be replaced with intimacy, warmth, contentment, and a deeper, different type of love. I think that some men do romantic tings for their wives from that deeper love.

2. I do not think that all men who regularly make romantic gestures are doing so out of fear.

3. The question here is why does he behave in a romantic way if he does not “feel” it. I think that often it is because he knows it will please his loved one and that is reason enough.

4. I don’t believe this is a straightforward trade that all men have in mind when they make a nice gesture.

5. No, we’re not.

6. This is a gender difference. Women do not discount those things, but they do see a certain level of those practical things as just a baseline that each person puts into the relationship. While you are doing that, she is maybe picking up your dry cleaning, buying your mother’s birthday gift, ferrying the kids to soccer or swim team or whatever. Women regard those as just part of maintaining the household. She does some; you do some. We do not regard those as romantic gestures by our knight. (Same concept as not giving her a blender for Christmas.)

I take your point. Well said.

You have inspired me to buy my wife flowers as a random act of love. To make this a pure act, I will not expect anything in return. It is always enlightening to see things from a woman’s perspective.

@o0 excellent!!! much lurve to ya xxxx