What should I do?

I don’t mean to minimize how you feel, but it’s pretty natural to hate your roommate after so many months. And, it probably doesn’t have much to do with you personally (e.g. she couldn’t say how and she’s kind of high maintenance). Having a roommate is stressful—for some more than others. Some can manage the relationship gracefully and others can’t.

I’m sorry for your disappointment. Regardless, I’d say you’re probably better off going a different direction. Perhaps the space will allow you to pick up as friends next year.

@kevbo

I know…it just REALLY hurts because I thought we were friends. We’d hang out together. We’ve NEVER had a conflict and our personal habits match nicely. I thought we’d be good roommates and I wouldn’t have to worry. I thought I could trust her…

I guess not.

How badly do you need to keep your roommate? If you’re okay with risking new living arrangements, I’d say confront her. Maybe it will get yet talking about why she’s so upset with you. Personally, I’d really want to bring it out in the open. That doesn’t sound like comfortable way to be residing.

@loser

Well I’m not planning on moving anytime soon. I’m going to stick with it until the end of the year and then get out.

Like I said, she has NO idea that I overheard what she said. Nothing really can be done because she just HATES everything about me…see, she’s a recluse. She just hates me because I am a living, breathing human in HER room.

I’m her only friend. Now I know why…

I’m so sorry, I would avoid the drama of telling her that you overheard her and just look for another roommate. That sounds like a tough situation, but it seems to be her problem and not yours. That’s pretty horrible, but it could happen to anyone who ended up with a meanie for a roommate and isn’t a statement about you. We all lurve you here on fluther and best of luck with your next roomie.

I just don’t see why she had to lie and pretend to be my friend when she really just hated me all along. That really hurts.

Please understand I’ve NEVER (yes, never) been backstabbed by a friend before. This is new to me. It’s a new feeling. And I hate it.

Oh, I see, she has some hangups that have nothing to do with you but you just have to suffer for her insanity. But there probably are a bunch of stable, friendly people for you to live with.

I’ve never had that happen to me and can’t imagine how hurtful that would be. Its just terrible luck. I hope your fortune turns around.

I think you should tell her you heard her end of the conversation. Maybe there is more to the story. Maybe she was having a bad day.
If she never had to share a room at home, she may not know how to be a good room
mate/ friend.
Be clear about your feelings and your plans. The good thing is, the semester will end in just a few weeks and you can be done with her.

I’m sorry that happened to you SW. That must be really painful. If it were me, I don’t think I’d be able to hide my feelings, and so I’d have to tell her I overheard. I would then proceed to tell her how surprised I was, and ask what the problem is. It sounds as though she just can’t handle having anyone in such close proximity to her, and if that’s the case there isn’t anything you could do about it. However, I remember you saying that you are both somewhat reclusive in the past. If you are both in the situation that you need a roommate, it may be best for the two of you to stay together… with honesty. That is, admitting that you hate having roommates at all, but given the other personality types you might be saddled with, this may be the best option.

Oh this sucks. It sucks having a friend stop being a friend in normal, non-vengeful situations, but this sounds like one of the worst ways to end a friendship. How immature of her to act. I’ve had some friends also suddenly decide to stop being friends, and it’s left me sometimes wondering whether it was because of any of my actions or personality. However, ultimately there is nothing I can do about how another person perceives me, and I take a bit of comfort in that. You can confront her, you can also choose not to. You can also ask her in a non-confrontational manner. It really depends on what you want to get from the situation that you don’t already have. Personally, and having not heard the exact words, I would not bother trying to understand a person who called me fat to their mother, but that’s just what I would do. Certainly I would not trust this person with any more secrets. If you want to try and swap rooms, maybe your college has a residence center, or a res assistant, who can help you find out if this is possible. Sometimes these situations occur, you’re not the first person wanting to switch a roommate, and in your situation I feel it’s pretty valid. Good luck whichever path you choose to follow.

@cdwccrn – I agree with you 100%.

@seekingwolf – Yes, this hurts right now, but at least you can tell her how you feel and clear the air. Don’t leave it hanging; that’s not good for you, either. There might be other things going on in her head you don’t know about and you were just the convenient target while she was talking to her mum. Or maybe she does feel as she says she felt. Either way, it’s important to learn how to deal with disagreements in an open and honest manner, and now’s a good a time as any.

I’d like to offer an alternate perspective. It might be that you are reading the situation correctly, and that your roommate really does secretly hate you.

But I doubt it. The thing is, girls (people?) are just kinda like that. They say shitty things about each other. All. The. Time. It sucks, and I don’t mean to excuse it, but instead to acknowledge it as one of those shitty facts of life.

My roommate is literally one of my favorite people on the planet. I absolutely love her. But…I don’t love everything about her. And sometimes I complain about the things she does/says that bug me. And I bet if she heard what I said, she’d be really hurt.

Likewise, I know she doesn’t like everything about me. In fact, I was in a similar situation and overheard her complaining over the phone about a decision I made that she disagreed with. And it really hurt my feelings at the time.

But that’s just kind of how it goes. You don’t like everything about a person, and sometimes it helps to have a good bitch session—especially when you’re frustrated with someone you live with.

So can you try to step outside of the conversation you overheard, and consider it objectively? Does she actually dislike you, or was she just frustrated with some specific things? Were her complaints reasonable? Did she mean them, or was she just having a horrible day and saying horrible things?

You have more information than I do, so it’s possible she’s a lying, backstabbing bitch who secretly hates you. But I think it’s way more likely that she’s overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted, and was venting about anything and everything.

Either way, good luck, and let us know how things turn out.

I have to agree with cdwccrn and nikipedia. It’s most likely that the problem was something else entirely, and perhaps she’s jealous of you in some ways, so you made the easy target. It does sound a little immature, but your fellow flutherites know from your other posts that you are atypical and more mature in many ways than other college students. It could be stressful for her trying to stay on peer level with you, and what you saw was all that spilling out. From a mom’s perspective, it really does sound more like some sort of melt-down. She sounds a bit high maintenance.

She could just have been blowing things out of proportion to her mom to get her to pay the extra bucks for a private room. I know my kids tended to over dramatize when they were trying to get something out of me. My son also blamed all his mistakes on his room mate once until I confronted his room mate. He was quite embarrassed. You might just be a skapegoat for any number of things she was trying to justify to mom.

You mentioned she is a recluse. That may have a lot to do with this issue. She probably exists better on her own. Not that it is an excuse for her to do that over the phone, to her mother – so you could hear.

Rooming with people is hard to do. You take two (or more) strangers, throw them into a relatively small room and hope it works. Sure, they “try” to match you up, but it really isn’t an exact science. In fact, I’m quite sure I was rooming with Satan my first year – she dropped out, but was very vocal about her desires for us to all die. I made the mistake of offering to loan her things that she was lacking and paid the price for it for weeks.

My feeling, she said it loud enough for a reason. I would have to approach her. I wouldn’t do it in a confrontational manner. Actually, I would be more on the side of showing some sympathy. I would probably start off with, “I really couldn’t help but to overhear what you said about me on the phone, I truly didn’t realize you felt that way. Can we talk about things?” You might be surprised, then again, she really could just want to be alone. She may breakdown and you could find that really, it has very little to do with you. One of my best friends went through this situation with her roommate. They did eventually move to different rooms, but became friends, down the road.

I know it hurts. I had never had someone instantly hate me before my first roommate. Never. I know that feeling betrayed – not that she did that – but I’ve felt it before, really is something that is worse to deal with, but I guess that is why I would talk to her. Because of the feelings of betrayal. You were feeling one thing, yet you find out it’s entirely different.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. I know you’ve struggled – and hate to hear this is what you are dealing with.

Please let us know how things are going.

@all..

Thanks for your replies. I’m sorry I couldn’t answer earlier but I was watching Top Chef…in the lounge of course. I’m not going back into the room unless I know she’s asleep.

It’s true, we are both recluses. I have had the fortune of making 1 new friend lately, who is a girl. (most of my peer friends are guys, obviously, I can’t room with them!) She’s a lot like me, but seems more outgoing. I’m thinking of asking her to room with me. I want to get into the “24/7 quiet substance-free hall” next year so even if I DON’T get my friend, there’s a chance I’ll be with someone decent…I mean, no partier would want the “24/7 quiet hall”. It really is quiet…

The thing that really jumped out at me with my roommate was that she said she HATED me. Like, as a person. And she called me fat! She knows about my PCOS and how I go to the gym, trying to lose weight. That was heartless. :(

She really is spoiled. She’s the youngest in her family and is doted upon (although she did have to share a room) she basically went through EVERYTHING she hates about me…nothing is reasonable. She hates that I use my phone in the room…uhm, so does she. She hates that I keep Crystal Lite in the fridge. She hates the quilt on my bed. She hates me and I’m the reason why she’s always going home. I don’t think those are reasonable.

She basically hates the fact that I exist. Which sucks…because I thought she was my friend.

I really bonded to her because we are both really studious and we are both dating older men. We are both also studying odd languages (Latin/Greek for me, Russian for her) I know that she could be high-strung and all but I never expected this. I am truly disappointed and I feel bad…like I should have “seen this coming”, but in retrospect, I couldn’t have.

It is possible that she could have been making the case to her mom for a private room, but the thing is…her mom seemed to be okay with it. There was no arguing, just bitching about me. When the topic ended about me (and she came back into the room) she started bitching about how even though she’s willing to pay, the school won’t let her get a private room unless she has medical documentation.

@seekingwolf, what a mean girl. Can you talk to your RA about it?

@all

Oh, I also forgot to say…
my game plan is to wait 2–3 days. You know, just to get things in my mind all clear. Then, I’ll confront her calmly…which may be difficult because she’s ALWAYS talking to her bf online and gets upset if bothered, so I’ll have to choose my time carefully.

I’m going to mention what I heard her say that hurt me the most, and try to make it sound more like “I feel hurt” rather than “how could you say that?!”
Her reaction will be most telling…if she LIES again “oh I said nothing of the sort” or basically blows up at me…then I’ll know her true feelings/personality.

I’ve already made my mind that I will not room with her next year. My semester ends in early may…I have a long way to go.

No offense to my roommate, but she is a coward. I mean that not to insult her, but more as a fact. She’s NEVER had the backbone to stick up for herself or do anything. She told me once that she’s only going to school because she “has to”, if she could, she would just stay home and not work. She also told me that when she has children, they will be a boy and a girl and they will be perfect.
I’m sorry, but someone who thinks like that and treats people like how she treated me is doomed for unhappiness. In the end, she will be the one to suffer, not me, and it will be of her own doing.
thoughts like that stop me from getting angry

Thank you for all of your wise replies. I’m going to my therapist tomorrow to see what her advice is, and then soon, I’ll talk to my roommate and post here what happens.

Wish me luck :) Thank you all.

Good luck, and please do keep us posted.

If she really believes what she said then she won’t be wanting a room with you either. Though of course you have to look at the context. Was it after a fight you two had? Could it be that she was just saying these things to her mother for her own reasons? Or is she simply a hypocrite?

Whatever the reason, you probably won’t want to spend next year with her anyway. I would just tell her that I overheard the conversation, though I don’t see why this is necessary. You can just keep this information to yourself and go find another room-mate. Which I think is what it’s all about. Why waste your time on her and not spend it trying to find a girl with whom you’ll get along, and have a true friend who will be there for you next year and hopefully will not be too annoying to live with?

One last thing occurs to me. Sometime in seminary, in February, I ended up in tears in my academic advisor’s office. Did I mention in tears?
He said that students often hit the wall about that time in the semester. Maybe that’s part of what’s going on with the roommate.
Or, she’s just a spoiled brat

BIG UPDATE:

Okay, so I went to my usual group meditation and I really relaxed and gathered my thoughts there…I even told my meditation group (since we go around and say why we are meditating) that I was hurt over a friend’s badmouthing and that I was trying to deal with it and maybe even forgive. All were very supportive and I was very grateful. I had a good meal with them and then went back to my room.

There, I gently confronted my roommate. The conversation was truly frightening. I’ll post verbatim.

”(her name), I heard you what you said the other day…outside of the door. I heard EVERYTHING. It really hurt me. That was hurtful.”
“Oh”
“You really hurt my feelings. I feel awfully upset.”
”(sarcastic) Well, sorry.”
“No, please listen….I don’t like it when people talk behind my back. I wish you would have come to me and we could have fixed things…”
”(sar again) Sorry.”
“Do you hate me? You said you hated me. Do you really hate me?”
“well…uhm…”
“You need to tell me these things, I want to be a good roommate and make this good for both of us, but I don’t like badmouthing.”
“Well, whatever. I needed to vent”
“But what you said was MEAN. You said you hated me! You said I was fat”
“Sorry.”
“I thought you were my friend….you really, REALLY hurt me…”
I burst into tears “Why did you say those things? I am so hurt…I thought I could trust you.”
“Sorry.”
still crying “I’m so upset and hurt!”
“Hmm.”

All the while, she showed NO emotion, just brushed her hair with short, sarcastic replies. I was dumbfounded. She left the room to go brush her teeth. I felt nauseous and I knew I needed to talk to my RA. I went to my RA and told her EVERYTHING about my roommate…even the part about her having an online bf and how they cam all the time and talk til 5 am…

The RA was shocked. There was no debate. She told me that she wanted to move me, and I agreed. I would be put in the same building, different hall, and things would be fine. I could be in a single room, sure, but this time, I’ll leave my door open and see other girls…

I am still shocked. See, when I cried and I expressed my feelings to her, and she didn’t even deny it doing it…well, that was a time that a normal human would feel remorse for hurting someone…I was sobbing with my head in my hands…and she showed NOTHING. No emotion. She just brushed her hair and acted like it was no big deal. NO COMPASSION It makes sense now…she was always saying that she HATED people, animals, community service, etc.

Even when I had mono and I had a 103 degree fever 1st semester…I once dropped my tissue box on the floor and I couldn’t reach. She just stood next to it and watched. No emotion, didn’t help. When I asked for help getting it, she said “why can’t you get out of bed” Well I had mono, I could barely move!

If that’s not abnormal, then I’ll be damned. I am no psychiatrist (yet) but my god, there is something seriously wrong with that girl. Literally ZERO human compassion and that moment proved it to me. I have been nothing but good to her…I set up a wireless network for us to share, I always gave her privacy, I brought her desserts from the dining hall, and I left her alone most of the time (since I’m always in the library.) I don’t deserve this, so yes, I’m FINALLY moving out.

Oh, and after talking with the RA and stuff…I went back into my room. She was on the bed, laughing and chatting away with her bf like nothing happened. Sick. I just grabbed my laptop and I’m not going back to the room until I KNOW she’s asleep.

I should be moving out this weekend. The RA knows me well and said if I am to be with someone else, she’ll choose someone nice! I’m hopeful! (it’s a small college so there’s a bit more choice here in terms of rooms). I don’t even have to talk to my roommate, my RA will do everything and I’ll just be moving stuff out. No questions asked.

I am very proud of myself and how this situation was handled. I gave my roommate the benefit of the doubt and another chance, but now I saw her true side, and I don’t like it. I obviously can’t trust her anymore, esp. knowing that she hates me and badmouths me, so I should move out….See, she was actually preventing me from getting friends because she wouldn’t let me keep the door open…or let people in…

I am so happy to be moving on from her! It is good to know that soon I will be in a healthier situation, whatever that is. I don’t need her pathology and antisocial behaviour to put me into a rut. I definitely don’t deserve to be belittled like that. This is a real turning point for me and I am optimistic.

Thank you all for reading.

We’re proud of you, too. You did do everything right, including the appeal to higher authority with the power to affect the situation.

The chick sounds like a bunny-boiler in the making.

@AlfredaPrufrock

A bunny-boiler? Oh noes!

Yeah I’m happy too! Thanks!
Seriously though, even if I’m in a double, I’ll be happy!

@seekingwolf – From what you’ve related here, I can tell you that her ish has nothing to do with you, OK? NOTHING. ::hugs::

::hugs::

You guys are so great :D seriously.

Everyone has been so supportive, not just people on fluther, but my meditation group, my friends, and even the lunch lady! She let me take out extra food the other day and even came up to see how I was doing today!

It makes me feel happy to be social and a part of this college for the first time in a long time!

Not the band, Fatal Attraction bunny-boiler. With any luck, you will never have to talk to her again after this weekend.

@seekingwolf I felt the pain with you as you shared what happened. And I’m so happy for you that you’re getting out of there, and that you’re getting a fresh start. I’m glad you know that a friend would never act like that. You deserve much better. You go girl!

@AlfredaPrufrock

Should be easy! She never leaves her room anyway…

Wow. This is all her, not you. There is something seriously wrong when people lack any feelings towards other humans. Seriously, that passage was scary.

I’m sorry that you are inconvenienced with the move, but am glad you are moving! Start fresh and with this new (wonderful) attitude – I love the the lunch lady is supportive, too! :)

I’m very proud of you! It’s important to be able to stand up for yourself and know how to do it in a way that addresses the issues, but is not a tantrum, you did just that.

@cak

Yep that’s what my father said. He’s a doctor and from all that I’ve told him, he said it sounds like a personality disorder…and definitely antisocial.

Things like this (lack of compassion) make me want to run FAR and FAST. I don’t want to be with someone who is like that. I think it’s it’s dangerous on many levels.

I am ready to start anew and meet new people! My roommate was baggage and now she’s gone…!

Inconvenience is a bit annoying, but honestly, I shouldn’t complain! I am thrilled to move and when she’s asleep tonight, I’ll start packing my clothes and computer things. I’ll be out of there in no time.

@seekingwolf – I must say, that since the night you posted and we all got to know you a little better – you have truly started to show another side. I am so impressed that you are not taking this as a setback, but as FREEDOM!! WOOHOO – there is a rule, not borderline roommates!

sounds like she is a budding psychopath. You are so lucky to be rid of her!

@cak

Yeah I don’t know, but I’ve been changing a lot recently.

So much has changed since the start of this second semester. I feel more at peace and I’m having more friends. Even if I don’t go out all the time, I have someone to talk to, text, call, or even just go get coffee. It feels good. I am honestly happy and I know that I need to get rid of my old habits.

Since being diagnosed with PCOS I’ve changed my eating habits as well. I’m no longer consuming the carbs I used to and I’m feeling healthier in general. Medication also helps.

I realize now that my roommate obviously has some personality issues (possible personality disorder) and that she would hold me back. Now she’ll be gone soon! And I’ll get to use my fridge again (she never ate in the dining hall so my fridge was filled with all this nasty diet yoghurt and I never got to put MY stuff in but I never said anything!)

Hooray for new friends, accessible fridges, and no more lying roommate!

I’m feeling so good for you! You handled the whole thing perfectly. Way to go!

Hooray for growth, and being on the right track in your life!

Well you may be shocked by her reaction, but if she really didn’t like you, she was probably relieved you found out. So this explains her reaction. If she were a true friend that had accidentally said something wrong, she’d at least feel embarrassed that you found out. But apparently she meant what she’d said, which means it’s just as well that you got everything sorted out and can move on with your life. She is really not worth your time or effort, so just move on and try and make friends with one of the other 5,999,999,999 people on this planet.

Yeah you guys are absolutely right. She obviously is screwed up in the head, has no human compassion, and hates me. Eh, Whatever.

I am sort of in the “refugee” mode right now…I have a lot of stuff with me and I’m camping out in either the cafe or the library…which ever works. I’m in the cafe now. Everyone’s been really supportive and I’m thankful. I slept in a friend’s room on the floor and I was like “YAY”

You know, I think deep down I knew something was up. I remember back in the 1st semester, in September, I had a dream in which I went to my fridge and poured myself some juice. When I drank it, I felt my lungs freeze up and I was choking and couldn’t breathe. My roommate looked up from her computer and said casually “oh yeah, I poisoned you” and that’s when I woke up.

Now, I just shrugged it off then and laughed about it, but now, it fits in. of course, I don’t believe my roommate would poison me…that’s extreme, but somehow, that dream was a manifestation of something I had realized deep down…that I couldn’t trust her and she lacked human empathy, and perhaps even a moral centre. Now it’s out in the open, and it all makes sense.

@seekingwolf When one of my best friends was having serious roommate issues, CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) got her permission to sleep in the library because she felt comfortable there. (It’s open all night but you have to basically hand over a kidney to get in after midnight and there are guards everywhere, so it was safe-ish.) Anyway, CAPS basically told the guards she might be there and asleep and to let her be. Perhaps if there is somewhere on campus you feel comfortable and you get tired of bunking with friends, you might want to go that route or a similar one.

@EmpressPixie

omg that’s a great idea! thank you for telling me!
I am VERY comfortable in the library…heck they have beanbag chairs!

I like my friends, but I don’t want to impose upon them more than I have to. It may be early next week at the LATEST that I’m moving, although I’ve been told I should be moving this weekend. I still have a night or two with her and after being through what I went through, I’m extremely uncomfortable being in the room with her.

They close at 9:30 on the weekends…hmm…
You know…I’‘ve already planned to see my therapist today at the counseling center. I will tell her all about the situation and ask if she could pull some strings to get me to stay in the library…I’m sure she’ll try her best.

Thanks so much for the advice…I hadn’t thought of that, but that would be wonderful.

Blessings to you, young lady.
If you pray, remember to pray for her. It will help you heal.

New Update:

I was moved today…the Residence Life decided it was best for me to move. I had one of the head women of Res Life help me move and it took 2 hours, but I finally got ALL my stuff over! I’m so happy she helped!!

My roommate had left for the weekend, and so I was told it would be best to move NOW and there would be no issues…Res Life just left a note to her saying I left for “personal reasons” and that’s the end of that. Due to my special case, I don’t have to go through “reconciliation” with her…which obviously wouldn’t work and they understood this.

I am now sitting in a bed again (feels SOOO good) and I’m in a triple room by myself. There’s an oven/stove. I’m a little lonely right now but I met some of the girls in the hall and they are nice…and quirky like me!

I love the space…but I know something’s changing in me. I know before I might have just wanted the space and solitude, but now I actually WANT to room with someone…I asked the Res life woman if she would move another girl into the triple with me and she said yes…and probably only one, so we could have more space. :) There is no shortage of rooms here.

I’m going out tomorrow to buy some premade cookies (would love to make my own, but don’t have the money to buy all those fresh ingredients) and I’m going to bake them in my oven for the girls who let me stay in their room. Once I learn how to hook up my laptop to the TV, then I could get a DVD and have a movie night with all this space. It would be fun! There is so much room I don’t know what to do with myself! (well, besides hanging my posters of European Art everywhere haha)

This has worked out immensely well and I am so happy to be back in a BED, in clean clothes and with clean hair. I am no longer worried, and although I’m still a little sad, well, I will get over it with time. I will forgive my roommate over time as well.

I only have people to thank for helping me get through this situation, the people in my hall, Res Life, my RA, my friends…a lot of people whom before I tried to avoid, I understand how wayward I was, and how I judged a lot of them before I got to know them. Yeah…college students get drunk and yes, I still don’t like that very much…but that doesn’t mean everyone else is like that.

I suppose my antisocial roommate, who hates people and almost got me to believe that too, well, in the end, she has restored my faith in people, and I realize that I really do need/want them in my life. I’m sure she would be so pleased. :)

Yay! Walk around naked all night, if you want to. Revel in your momentary privacy!

@augustlan

already done actually. :D

I had my “naked” moment, the “eat nachos in a messy, non-polite way” moment, and the “talk about inappropriate subjects over the phone” moment(s).

Glorious! teehee

Awesome :)

Glad your move is behind you. Enjoy the weekend!! Make NEW friends.

so happy for you, wolf. And hopefully your new roommate will be nice and easy to get along, and you’ll still have plenty of space. Sounds like a great turn of events :)

I’m glad this worked out so well for you in the end! I hope you love the new room!

oh wow, i’m sorry you had to deal with such a repulsive roommate, especially after feeling like you were friends. that’s really weird though, her response. i mean, i don’t think that can even be dismissed as “oh, she’s just a bitch” – it sounds like she has some sort of psychological issue.
but anyway, i’m glad you were able to work things out so well, i hope your new living arrangements are (and i’m sure they will be) way way better. (: