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JakeVig's avatar

How can you date someone who you're already friends with?

Asked by JakeVig (46 points ) March 30th, 2009

Alright, there’s this girl I’ve been into for a long time. When we met she was involved with somebody, but she was friends with all of my friends so we inevitably started spending time together. She has since become single, and it’s been long enough that the ‘rebound’ phase has passed, but now I have a different problem. How can I get her to think of me as more than a friend? I know that if I were to just ask her out I would get a ‘let’s just be friends’ at this point because that’s where our relationship is at this moment.

What can I do to escape the shackles of friendship and take it up a notch?

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11 Answers

dlm812's avatar

This can absolutely happen, but you’re right… it will take time. You can’t expect anything to happen instantly. Personally, I would start trying to hang out more “one on one” and dropping small hints that you’re into her (so as to not hit her with it all at once). Obviously, you are getting the “just friends” vibe from her right now.. spend more time with her and let her know you like her, without coming right out and asking her out.. and then see what vibe you get from her in a few weeks.

All of my relationships have been friends first, with my fiance being the closest friend – and hence the best relationship now! There were times when I hadn’t hit that point with my guy friends yet, but they gave me time and I eventually felt the same way.

Good luck! Hopefully, if my advice doesn’t work, someone else’s here will! :)

Jeruba's avatar

I think you are in a very good position to make the move. You’ve been just where you ought to have been while she was in a relationship. Suppose you said to her, “I’ve waited a long time for you to be free. I’d like us to be more than friends.”? You’ve kept your romantic side cloaked, but now you can start to pay another kind of attention to her and see what kind of reception you get. Can it hurt to start with flowers?

JakeVig's avatar

I should add that this topic has been skirted in some of our conversations. I don’t think she knows exactly how I’m feeling, but we have spoken in general about dating friends and escalation within a social group and her feeling is that you shouldn’t crap where you eat, so to speak.

Obviously, I can think of two ways around that mentality. Either I could get her to change her mind, or somehow get her to just not consider me one of those that’s too close to get involved with.

lendwill's avatar

i am currently faced with the same dilemma. this girl that i like has just recent;y broken up with her boyfriend of a couple months. she sees me in the same way that JakeVig described earlier. i have decided that i am going to come out and ask her, “what do you see me as?” . not in an awkward way but in a way that lets her know i am interested. she knows that i care about her, i just want her to know that i think we are right. gotta be open to anything though

dlm812's avatar

@JakeVig Please do not take the “get her to consider you not a close friend” route! Not only could that NOT work, but you could loose her friendship in the end as well – probably not worth it. I’d go with slowly trying to change her mind. I understand the “not crapping where you eat” standpoint, as that is where I stood originally, but I’ve now found that the best relationships grow out of friendships, and I know A LOT of people who are still great friends with exes (myself included). Think about it this way – humans are the only animals who don’t crap where they eat.

Triiiple's avatar

With whatever you do id be careful as shit.

I knew a girl for around 5 years that i was really close to, one day my friend gave me the bright idea of asking her if she ever thought of me more then a friend since it seemed every time we ever talked we were always dating someone else.

Long story short, things were admitted that the feelings were there but things just didnt work out and now im out my friend of 5 years.

Id say approach this carefully and weigh your options. If your receiving the signals from her go for with whatever your guts telling you. Even though i lost a friend id rather have tried then be regretting never trying.

jo_with_no_space's avatar

It can get a bit weird. A lot of my relationships have worked out that way, so it is doable, as long as you make your intentions clear. Make sure to prepare yourself for disappointment too.

Yetanotheruser's avatar

My experience in this area resulted in a marriage of 22 years (so far). We were friends first, and made a conscious decision to explore the romantic feelings we were experiencing. We agreed to remain friends, no matter what happened romantically. Our friendship is a strong factor in our long relationship.

ShauneP82's avatar

Ruins the friendship something awful, doesn’t it?

bulet94's avatar

go for it. if she really cares she’ll say yes

shrinkess's avatar

I think lovers are better off being friends first. Just ask her if she’d like to “take it up a notch.”

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