Do you let your kids be themselves?

It’s the hardest thing about being a parent. But, the best thing you can do as a parent is to give them permission to fail and to learn from that failure, and teach them how to rebound from that failure. You learn absolutely nothing from the things you do correctly, if you don’t do it on your own. You learn more from things you correct.

I usually try to tell them when they do something well, that I’m proud of their decision process or the effort. When they’re doing something that I think I will have an unforeseen outcome, I usually verbalize that outcome, and talk about it. I give advice, but don’t expect them to take it.

Both daughters have different talents that I wish I had; I would do more with those talents, manage relationships differently than they do. Their lives will turn out differently than mine. In many ways, thank goodness.

I’m not sure that is the goal of parenting. To my way of thinking it is more to help them become a civilized, functioning member of society.

@YARNLADY, I did that by exemplifying that sort of behavior, not by running their lives. My oldest went to undergrad on a full scholarship, is paying for grad school herself, does volunteer work, votes, etc. My youngest is ADHD, and is a freshman in college. She drives home on the weekends, 2 hours each way, so she can work 3 hour shifts on the weekend. She votes, does volunteer work, etc. They do all of this without me asking or making them do it. I’m not sure how much more civilized and functioning they could be…

We by-passed a lot of big problems by making it safe to manage the little problems. By teaching them early on that they are responsible for their own outcomes, and coaching them through how to manage relationships, fix problems, etc. they are comfortable doing it on their own. It’s more important to learn how to do something, than to have your parent do it for you, or take control. It’s not that I don’t help them, it’s that I don’t make them do things my way.

When my oldest daughter was young, she had all sorts of anxiety issues around perfectionism, that the psycologist suggested teaching failure. It’s unfair to expect children to be more perfect than we are ourselves. Everyone fails at something, makes mistakes. These are the teachable moments.

yes, and I don’t even try to change her

she’s always had a strong personality from day 1, and I’m pretty happy with her. If anything, she’s too much like me, so I don’t want to change that. I try to promote anything that differentiates her from me (eg her love of ballet, which I hate). But for some weird reason she’s been picking on my interests, sometimes instinctively.

the only thing I try to change is some bad habits (often ones I also have), eg she only eats meat and hates vegetables, even fruit. And I try to persuade her to share her stuff, which will make her more popular with other kids.

There’s something to be said for guiding your children. Not changing them into what you want them to be.. but guiding them on a path you know from experience to be the best one.

@Jack79 Two tiny suggestions: I have a friend in his 50’s who has lived his whole life hating fruit and veggies. He’s big, healthy and just fine, tyvm. There are several theories about eating f and v, some of them against as we are basically carnivores.

2. Don’t hate ballet. Especially since your daughter is into it.

:-)

well, I’ve never seen the point of ballet, it’s one of the most boring things in the world for me (I’m not into dancing that much anyway). But I’ve never seen a child as happy as my daughter when she’s doing dancing. So obviously I took her to ballet school, and have been fighting for her mother to let her dance, and we even once went to a show at the local opera. She just sat there and stared at the dancers for an hour. Which is more than she’ll ever sit for a cartoon.

Also, due to a genetic problem which needed operation, my daughter could actually become a pretty good dancer (if she could be disciplined enough). Silver lining everywhere.

@Jack79, You’re not supposed to like ballet. You’re supposed to pay for the lessons, tell her how adorable she looks, attend all her performances with flowers in hand, videotape the proceedings, and remind her of the importance of practicing. And maybe take her to Swan Lake or the Nutcracker once a year. Done. After that, it’s her interest to pursue. You’re the enabler and the devoted admirer of the effort.

I personally don’t care for the ballet either, or opera. Okay, tenors in small doses. There’s just something so adorable about a four year old saying plie’ and releve as they practice, and cute little ballet shoes.

And on the veggies, they often grow out of it if it shows up on their plates enough. My carnivore now eats a salad every day. They go through cycles.

@AlfredaPrufrock That’s what I meant. And never to say “I hate Ballet” because it will affect how you react to it and influence you subconsciously. Stick to the plan, Jack. ;-)

Yes, as long as they don’t hurt themselves or others.

My carnivore is 26 and has never grown out of it, but he has gotten a little less picky in what he will eat as long as its not contaminated by fruits or vegetables! However, he is strong and healthy so I don’t worry about it too much anymore. I think we were pretty good about not making food a battleground.

As my older son said recently, I got to be a better parent as they grew. It took me a while to grow into the role. What I think I did best (or tried to do) was to own my own stuff and acknowledge what was coming from my own “mishuggas”. My relationship with my younger son improved greatly when I stopped trying to push him in directions he didn’t want to go in – mainly to be more active in high school – and let him be him. I never had set career goals for them and have always encouraged them in their own interests. I’m delighted with who they’ve become but I know I made more mistakes than I wish I had.

Sure! Until pinning their lips shut with safety pins is what they consider normal. Then they need a little guidance. ; )

I’ve been trying to force my children to turn into little monsters for as long as they’ve been alive. Starting in the first month, I refused to put diapers on them. If crapping on the ground is good enough for monkeys, it’s good enough for my kids. The darn kids found a way to get at the diapers and diaper themselves!

I tried the no-vegetable trick, too. We’d heap our plates high with broccoli, beans, artichokes and tomatoes, and covered with a thick layer of ketchup. When they asked for some, we refused, telling them to eat their meat and sweets. They’d beg us pitifully for just a scrap of lettuce or a leaf from the artichoke. It tore at our hearts, but we stood strong. We did not budge an inch. Our reward? The damn kids love broccoli and artichokes and ketchup. The only thing they don’t like is peas. I blame that on a failing on our part. We forgot to include peas in our vegetable medley.

Next drugs and alcohol. We’d tell then over and over that they should be drinking and smoking. My reward? Every time I drink a beer, they yell at me, telling me not to get drunk, or drive cars, and they’ll never grow up to be like their dear old dad, swigging down the suds! We encourage them to experiment with drugs and cigarettes, and yet, once again, we are failures. You do not want to hear them lecture on the horrors of illegal drug use. It would make you want to crawl into a coffin and bury yourself ten feet under.

I hesitate to tell you this, for it will show you how bad we are, as parents, but when we tried to get them to play with guns and swords and matches, they utterly refused. My son will climb trees, and go on the roof of the house, but he refuses to fall out or off of either.

The worst of all is music. We kept telling them that music was only for adults. Entirely inappropriate for children. I could hurt their ears. Since we had indulged in our sinful youth, our ears were already broken. They were not, under any circumstance, to touch the piano in the dining room. We’d shut the cover so fast, their fingers would be cut off! Imagine our horror when we came home one day to find them playing and singing “Heart and Soul” at the top of their lungs.

Anyway, I tell this as a cautionary tale. It doesn’t work to tell kids not to do things. Those are exactly the things they will do!

@daloon: Your avatar hadn’t even loaded yet and I read the first sentence of your answer and knew it was you. Lurve.

My son is more like his father than he is like me (a man he hasn’t seen since he was 5)... He is very outgoing and athletic, and prone to anxiety, while my personality is the flip-side of that coin. It presented quite a few challenges for me.

I always thought that it would be best for me and him to approach parenting as a gradual “letting go”. Too often you see parents that have a tough time letting their kids be independent, so I have progressively let out the reins as he proved his development of a sense of responsibility (appropriate to his age).

Since I am his only parent, and he’s my only child, I wanted to avoid raising a “Momma’s Boy”; so from an early age, I told him that Mommy is my job title, not my name, and that I had 18 years to teach him how to be an independent adult.

And once he was 14, I realized that like I did at that age, he would do whatever he wanted, regardless if what I said. So I took a role of mentor and guide, rather than boss. Of course, this wouldn’t have worked as well if we hadn’t had the foundation from the earlier years.

He’s a pretty average H.S. Senior now. He doesn’t have any outstanding talents and has no ideas what to do for a career. I wish that he did, but I know that he has to find his own way—these things can’t be dictated. He has a big chip on his shoulder, and gets into trouble now and again; but considering what we’ve been through, I’m just happy that he’s not abusing alcohol or drugs, like many of his peers.

I am proud that he is very independent in his thoughts and actions; that he is a hard worker, but he still has fun; that he balances saving and splurging; that he is fairly responsible, insightful and resourceful; and that I feel like I don’t have to worry, because he’ll ultimately make the right choices for him.

I want my child to always be himself. I will guide him to be a good person, but let him make his own life choices.

Yes I have two daughters that are as different as night and day one is a bookworm the other enjoys the outdoors. One likes the ballet and skating the other likes to draw and write stories.

I never want to stifle their creativity and I am very proud to be the father of both of them.

@all It was nice to get to know some of you better through this very intimate thread. Thanks.

Yes, and sometimes, wow, just wow. Just when I think I know what they will do, they amaze me. Not always, sometimes, I cringe, but I do talk to them.

I think it is our job to guide them, set them on the right road, teach them how to behave—you know, all of those parenting things. Somewhere in there, we need to allow them to be their individual self.

My daughter and son are two very different people. They are also 9yrs apart – but very different people. They approach things differently. What we do, is figure out how they approach things, watch how they handle things and when necessary, talk to them about the choices and ask them which would work better for them, (set of choices). Sometimes, it’s not what we would think, but it works and shocker – we learned something new.

We have a set of basic life rules, I think we all do. The freedom to be their individual self is within those rules.

My son decided to tell us that he hates soccer. We were shocked! He’s great at soccer. He’s playing with kids a year older than him and keeping up and flying past them. He hates it. It’s not the work, that part, he loves. He still wants to practice, but not play. He wants to play hockey. (oh…teeth!) He wants to be a gymnast – he’s in gym now – right now this moment. He loves it. It took every part of us to agree to pull him out of soccer. The child is thrilled. It just wasn’t his thing. It was ours. We told him that he had to finish his obligations – and he did. That is part of us letting him be his individual self.

@cak—Good luck with the gymnast part! My son wanted to be a gymnast (and maybe still does), and the only program we could find that was more than kiddie tricks was essentially a professional program that eventually prepares kids for the Olympics. I’m talking serious, here. There are now only 11 universities in the country that have a male gymnastics program.

They required a two hour practice twice a week for very beginners and it worked up to four hour practices five times a week for the older kids. It’s about half an hour away from home, which I thought was bad, but other parents drive their kids two hours each way to be there.

So, as much as I love seeing him doing the work, I just couldn’t be very supportive, because it was hurting the family in other ways. Now he’s into Aikido, and that’s much more manageable. The dojo is fifteen minutes away, the practice is for one hour once a week. However he did say he wanted to switch off between them. Gymnastics one year, Aikido the next. I kind of hope he forgets about gymnastics as much as I hope he remembers. But next time, if he starts, he can’t stop for a year and start again. He’s got to keep at it. Of course, there is also the issue of expense, and if my wife loses her job (Wachovia buyout stuff), we won’t be able to send him to gymnastics practice again.

@he’s 6. Last year, he wanted to be a garbage man and to fly to the moon. He wanted to be a garbage man, because they drive cool trucks and they make a lot of noise. Oh, and they get to sling things around. The year before that, he only wanted to talk backwards and wear a cape, daily. I’m giving it some time before I take it seriously. I learned that with the older one. They fall into place, though…just gotta give ‘em time.

Oh, for us, within 10 miles of our house, we have 3 “junior” gyms and 4 all-age gyms. Out of those 4, 3 are mixed equipment and floor – so we’re doing pretty good on that front. Maybe it’s a southern thing. Gymnastic centers, cheer leading and dance, on every third block (churches on every other block). Then all the sports places and Aikido – one of those right out of our neighborhood.

I’m fully prepared for him to ask to be the Easter Bunny, next week.

Yeah, that interest a month thingy. Rocks, bicycle tricks, paper airplanes, crystal growing, gymnastics, origami, and now he’s drawing furiously, and teaching himself how to do it. His concentration and persistence is astonishing. Also, his choice of love, since his big sister is also very good at drawing. He keeps comparing himself to her, and we have to remind him that his sister does have four years on him. Although, don’t tell her I told you, but he has become astonishingly talented in the few months he’s been doing this, and in some ways, he can take his sister, already.