General Question

live_rose's avatar

How to get over the awkwardness?

Asked by live_rose (1223 points ) April 11th, 2009

I have never gotten past second base. And Im with a boyfriend who has had sex. We got to a point where it would’ve made sense to go to get the next step. I froze i got nervous and I cried. I just got awkward because I didnt know what I was doing and I worry that it’ll happen again . . .or he’ll get fed up and leave me. I dont want graphic directions I just want advice I guess.

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34 Answers

quantum's avatar

seems like maybe you’re not ready for second base just yet. You shouldn’t feel you need to go there just because it’s the next step – according to who?

gimmedat's avatar

1. If he ever “gets fed up and leaves you” he was never worth shit.
2. You felt awkward because you weren’t ready. Listen to your brain, your body and your heart and you’ll get over the awkwardness. You’ll know when you’re ready.
3. Don’t compare your experiences to his. This will make you crazy as there is nothing you can do to change it.
4. PRACTICE SAFE SEX! Did you catch that?

live_rose's avatar

I just feel bad making him wait I dont know I feel it should be give and take. He’s been patient and waited all this time his only now just kind of pressing the issue. It’s frustrating for him and me kind of that Im still a virgin. With the whole sex thing I worry if I give it up we’ll break up and it would’ve been a waste. But we’re not there yet . . .we’re in the area between kissing and sex . . .its a really gray area.

russellsouza's avatar

@live_rose – how old are you?

quantum's avatar

there are many ways to be sexually fulfilled that don’t require sexual intercourse. Any man (boy) who demands this act as a prerequisite to a relationship should be suspect

gailcalled's avatar

Listen to your own inner voice; being pressured into having intercourse before your heart and body are ready is not something you can redo. If “he gets fed up and leaves you,” he is not worth it. I, too, am interested in how old you are.

You want your first time to be perfect; wait as long as you need to.

gimmedat's avatar

No, sweetie, it’s not a grey area. It’s very black and white. If you’re not ready to have sex, do not have sex. He should have NOTHING but respect and patience. You don’t owe him anything, don’t feel bad…ever. Be true to you.

asmonet's avatar

Take your time.
You’ll know when.

And if he’s worth one minute of your time, he’ll wait too.
If you’re not comfortable with vaginal sex, you should know there are other ways of being intimate. However, you may not be ready for those either. Take it slow.

Bluefreedom's avatar

Don’t feel bad about making him wait for anything. It is your body and your experiences and you do what is best for you. If he is dedicated to your relationship, he will continue to wait and not pressure you. If he does push the issue, you need to have a heart to heart talk with him about your thoughts and concerns. If he is not receptive, you may have to consider that his best interests are not your best interests. Put the frustration and the hurry to have sex aside and let the relationship develop at a healthy pace. Best of luck to you during this time of uncertainty.

live_rose's avatar

@russellsouza 18 soon to be 19 Im a college student he’s 22 doesnt go to my college so our relationship is already stressed. But I really like him. He’s not pressuring me to have sex but like I said I havent gone past second base and he’s getting a bit um restless I guess.

asmonet's avatar

He’s being immature, far more than you.
If he pressures you, leave him.

russellsouza's avatar

My first time was when I was 19 and I only did it because I felt pressured to lose my virginity by 20 (I’m a heterosexual girl btw, I know the screen name can confuse people). While I felt okay about it at the time, and understand my frame of mind then, it would’ve been much smarter of me to wait. Your body and your sexuality is entirely, completely yours. Ask your boyfriend why he’s getting “restless.” Is it because he sees the relationship as only a means of physical pleasure? If he truly cares about you, he’ll wait. But if what he really really wants is intercourse and you don’t feel comfortable with it (never second-guess your instincts on this), the two of you might be better off parting ways. You deserve better than to feel guilty about taking care of yourself, and if he wants something different he should leave you in peace.

mrswho's avatar

I understand the guilt that you’re feeling. You’re just trying to be a good sport and give him what he wants. I understand that (and by the way I’m 18 and a virgin too) but it really should be something that you want and are comfortable with. My first kiss was out of wanting to be a good sport and feeling an obligation to even things out a bit. He asked for more than I wanted and I first laughed then dumped him. Your body is your own and while being a good sport makes sense there is such a thing is being too available to him. You shouldn’t date someone who would leave you for not doing them. That is just ridiculous and means that though you may like him he might not like you as much. If he’s a sweetie he’ll stay will you until your ready. If he pushes the issue he isn’t worth it and you can leave him for someone more on your page. Be careful of doing anything before you’re ready and regretting it. Good luck!

live_rose's avatar

Im just hoping this relationship ends up being better than my last. I broke up with my last boyfriend because I knew we’d never be at the same speed he just wanted to move way too fast and I wanted to move slow so I thought it’d be mean to keep him in a relationship that would never fulfill his needs. And that breakup ended really badly. But my now boyfriend has been far more patient I guess I just have to figure out what Im ready for I still like mrswho said want to be a good sport so Ill have to find a balance.

YARNLADY's avatar

In any relationship, you do not want to give up or give in. You be yourself. If you have no respect for yourself, he won’t either. When you are ready, you will know it, because it will feel right. Rethink what you believe about what sex is supposed to be, and be more comfortable with what is it for you.

Response moderated
asmonet's avatar

@mizkendall3939: That doesn’t even begin to answer her question, it only serves to advertise your own ideals.

mrswho's avatar

@live_rose I really respect you breaking up with someone because you wanted to be fair to him. That sounds like a good thing to do, but you need to keep yourself in mind as well. You ought to move up a bunch of places on your priority list, but I tend to be the same way about he sportsmanship thing. But your virginity is not a bargaining chip and is way more yours than anyone else’s. I’m not sure if you have someone at your same speed quite yet but I would like to be wrong. Remember statistically speaking you will have to deal with you longer than he will and make sure that you will retain your self respect what ever you do. In regards to what @mizkendall3939 being in love would help, and I personally recommend it though it isn’t really any of my business and its really your choice.

augustlan's avatar

[Mod says] Txtspeak removed.

live_rose's avatar

@mrswho Im more worried about regretting it than waiting till marriage though Im on the fence about whether I plan to do that or not. I know that my boyfriend would probably like to be moving faster and wouldn’t object to having sex but he’s told me that he understands that i move at a slower pace. Sometimes I just feel bad though that he’s being so supportive and Im still moving so slow. It seems unfair I dont know.

asmonet's avatar

I not so secretly love you, augustlan.

asmonet's avatar

If you’re on the fence, err on the side of caution until you’re sure and abstain.

mrswho's avatar

Your primary motivation should be you wanting to as an expression of something rather than you wanting to do something to keep him around or be fair. There isn’t anything wrong with denying him as long as he has known for a while that you move at a slower pace and haven ‘t lead him on and gotten anything from him and then coldly denied him. It doesn’t sound like that’s what you are doing, teasing him and getting what you want then denying him. Do what you want not what he wants. I wouldn’t know but I would figure that your first time ought to be special and with someone who wouldn’t make you rush. Then again I wouldn’t know. @asmonet I agree with that, you can cant undo him but you can always put it off until your sure. I would also reckon (in my ignorance) that it would be better when you were sure and that being sure would make you less nervous and make the whole thing more enjoyable.

May2689's avatar

You should never, ever do something because your boyfriend is pressuring you. Listen to yourself and what you want. It is ok to be afraid to go to the next step, and if you are not sure you want to do it, then dont. If hes pissed, leave him. That means he only cares for Bootay….and who wants to be with someone who doesnt respect you.

gimmedat's avatar

I just have to say thanks, I feel the lurve with all the GA’s on this question. When I read this question, I went into mom mode and answered exactly the way I would as if I was speaking to my 15-year-old daughter.

janbb's avatar

My mother gave me two rules that she had established for herself when she was young that I think are great:

Never do anything you’re not comforatable with.
Never do anything with anyone who doesn’t like you for yourself.

And she told me this over 40 years ago! I think they are pretty good guidelines.

People here have suggested there are other ways you can satisfy him other than intercourse. Would you be comfortable with them and have you considered them?

live_rose's avatar

@janbb See that’s the point Im at right now. He’s not busting down my door for sex so much as he wants me to do something else we’ve kissed he’s been under my shirt but he just wants to progres to the next step. And it’s just awkward the presure is on me and I dont know what Im doing Im just nervous and unsure of myself.

janbb's avatar

Instead of thinking about him, amybe think for a while about yourself and what you want. Are you excited by the idea of going further or just frightened? Are you enjoying waht you do with him or uncomfortable? Is his touch gentle and loving or harsh and demanding? What would you like to happen for you?

live_rose's avatar

@janbb honestly I dont like to be touched period that’s another issue. But m not uncomfortable with what he does just what I do I just get nervous. He’s not demanding at all and the only time his touch was hash was when he tried to give me a hickey but proceeded to just bite my neck kind of hard it was kind of funny and kind of nice. But for me to say please don’t touch me isnt fair then we wouldnt be a couple we’d just be friends and I dont want to be freinds I feel like I really want to be with him.

quantum's avatar

Hmmmm. Sounds to me like the issue IS the not liking to be touched. You can’t just say “that’s another issue”. You need to explore this further and if this guy is someone you feel you really trust you could try exploring it with him, but perhaps best first step would be an older woman you trust. Where/when does being touched become uncomfortable and why? It really sounds like you could end up doing yourself some psychological damage if you keep ignoring this and force yourself to have sex just to keep this guy.

gailcalled's avatar

@live rose: Please reread what you just wrote. That is a powerful statement…“honestly I dont like to be touched period that’s another issue”.

Fooling around with someone you really like should be delicious, compelling and irresistible and not just “not uncomfortable.” The difficulty in a happy and compatible sexual relationship is putting the brakes on. It sounds as though you are pushing the car uphill.

You have gotten unanimous reactions here. Find out about yourself first, please.

Response moderated
live_rose's avatar

@quantum when i say another issue I dont mean that it has no correlation I mean it has nothing to do with him I just don’t liked to be touched period. I suppose invasions of my personal space make me uncomfortable and being put on the spot making myself decide how to touch someone else makes me nervous and i just worry Im doing something wrong. I suppose its not another issue it’s just an issue that didnt spur from this one.

ShauneP82's avatar

Take your time even if it is a very very long time. If your bf cares about you he will be patient and work with you. There is no reason for your first time to be rushed.

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