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Supergirl's avatar

Is everyone considered a +1 for wedding invites?

Asked by Supergirl (1666 points ) November 30th, 2007

Do all of our single friends get a +guest on their invite to our wedding? We want it to be a romantic and personal event, so a lot of random +1s seem out of place. This excludes the people in relationships but unmarried, I am talking about a date for just our wedding.

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14 Answers

cwilbur's avatar

You’re inviting people to a party; you can invite whomever you want, and tell them they can bring guests, or not, as you see fit. It’s your party.

But this sounds like a continuation of your other question about big versus small weddings. Check with your husband-to-be about his views, and if you both agree, go with that. If you don’t both agree, then focus on why you want to exclude dates and he wants to include them, and see if you can come up with a solution that satisfies the whys.

And a bit of marital advice: it doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong. It doesn’t matter if the whole world says you’re right and Fluther agrees with you entirely if your husband disagrees with you. Conversely, it doesn’t matter if the whole world says you’re wrong and Fluther says you have your head up your butt if your husband agrees with you.

sjg102379's avatar

Many people, to keep numbers and costs down, limit +1s to married or live-in relationships. I think that is totally legit, if that’s what you want. A warning: friends of mine who have done that at their weddings have sometimes gotten offended phone calls from guests asking for an exception just for them, so you’re going to have to stick to your guns and not make exceptions if this is going to work.

occ's avatar

I think it’s standard practice now that if someone is not in a relationship, they don’t get a +1 for a wedding, unless it’s a huge wedding. Don’t feel bad about inviting single friends without letting them bring dates—just make sure to be sensitive about seating arrangements so that the single friends are not at tables with all couples.

punkrockworld's avatar

Well, I think you should put a +1 .. they dont have to use it, but if they would feel more comfortable they could.

jca's avatar

i agree with punkrockworld. it’s nicer to allow people to bring a date, if you could afford it (and of course they give a gift of what or what amount they want but hopefully they’ll be mindful of having been allowed to bring a guest).

Emilyy's avatar

I can only imagine that bitter, single friends (I’m sure you don’t have any of those, of course) would LOVE to be told that they can’t bring a +1 to your wedding, only to be sit there and bombarded with a ceremony that revolves around love and committment and other loving, committed couples all night.

I mean, I guess on one hand they go into it expecting that a wedding will be a love-fest, so they shouldn’t go if they’re going to be bitter and sad. But I think if I were to get married and if I were trying to keep it small by ONLY inviting my closest friends (some of whom happen to be single), allowing them the option of bringing a +1 so they don’t have to deal with all the lovey-dovey crap alone doesn’t seem like such a big deal in the long run. If you’re trying to keep the event “romantic”, I think you’ve already achieved that because it will be a wedding after all, not a monster truck rally. I say, if those friends are important enough to you to merit an invite in the first place, let them decide if they’ll have more fun with a date or solo. A couple randoms probably won’t spoil your ceremony and they’ll make your single friends feel more involved.

Emilyy's avatar

I just realized that calling a wedding “lovey-dovey crap” makes me sound like the bitterest of bitter single people. I’m not, but I have definitely been there, so I know what that’s about…Weddings are not crappy, but they are often lovey-dovey, and rightfully so.

cwilbur's avatar

It also depends on the wedding atmosphere in general. If you’ve got a huge spectacle wedding, where it’s clear you’ve spent a year planning and umpty-thousand dollars and invited hundreds of people for a lavish reception, then being stingy about whether to letting your single friends invite guests is, as far as I’m concerned, completely missing the point.

The most important thing about a wedding, as far as I’m concerned is that it is a party you throw so that the people you care about can celebrate your relationship and your commitment. Everything else is secondary. This means that, again as far as I’m concerned, the way you plan your wedding is first to figure out who’s important enough to invite, second figure out how much you can reasonably afford, and third to figure out what kind of wedding you can have, given those two constraints. This means that whether or not single people get the +1 does not depend on what kind of wedding you want to have, because that’s getting it entirely backwards and mistaking the spectacle for the substance. The people you invite are the most important part.

occ's avatar

All I can say is, when I ws single, i was never offered a +1 to a wedding. And even once I got into a serious relationship, I was still invited to a couple weddings without my boyfriend being invited (those weddings were old friends—people who had never met my boyfriend). I wasn’t offended…weddings are really expensive these days. If all your single friends get to bring a date it can double the size. If you have single friends who you think are going to be offended by this, call them and talk it over with them on the phone BEFORE sending the invitations. frame it like a question…tell them, “we’re having trouble finding money to pay for the ceremony we want, and we’re trying to figure out if it’s okay to invite single friends without a +1…so I’m doing an informal poll…what do you think?” I bet most of your friends will say it’s okay. And if there are a few friends who really seem to think they won’t have fun without a date, let them bring a date.

Kurtosis's avatar

Well, what is the cutoff point? Someone mentioned only allowing +1 for live-together couples. That seems awful harsh. There are plenty of people in serious relationships who haven’t moved in yet. If you’re just saying you don’t want people to find a date solely for your wedding that seems more reasonable, but what is the best way to frame it I wonder?

kimberly's avatar

I have been invited as ms. kimberly and guest, and just ms kimberly to many weddings. there is no common practice right now, and we’re moving even further from that. i have also brought a random date to a good friend’s wedding which was a big mistake. bottom line is—it’s your wedding so do what ever feels right.

charybdys's avatar

I like the informal poll idea. I agree that tons of random people can make the wedding weirder. You should be consistent though. If you invite 100 cousins, you can’t really call it a small wedding and deny dates. It really has to be a small wedding to do that.
The cut-off could be people that your friends are dating that you’ve already met, or that are very serious and you know about them. Not having a +1 also takes any pressure off guests that think they should find a date.

MissAnthrope's avatar

From a non-etiquette point of view, keep in mind that it’s not fun for some people to show up to an event by themselves. I have social anxiety, the larger the group, the worse it is.. so I would absolutely dread going to a large event alone. I need someone to cling to for distraction from my anxiety! :P

Last night, my ex and I were discussing this fancypants wedding in which she was a bridesmaid, that we attended while we were together. I was so glad to hear her say what I’d kept stuffed inside out of politeness’ sake: the event was horrendous. The wedding and reception were beautifully done, but the people (the friends and family) were generally incredibly stuck up, wanted nothing to do with either of us, and quite obviously thought they were better. If either one of us had had to attend that event alone, we would have had no one to talk to – not because we’re socially inept, we did try to be friendly with everyone – because we were surrounded by people unwilling to give us the time of day.

Obviously, this is a bit of an extreme case, and I imagine your friends and family are very nice. I just use it as an example to demonstrate how nice it is to have someone you’re very familiar with to turn to in an uncomfortable social situation.

I recognize wanting to keep a wedding small and intimate (that’s what I want, too).. just wanted to give some food for thought from the guest perspective. :)

asmonet's avatar

If you want it to be more intimate and only people you know. Do it. And don’t think twice. I’m outgoing and friendly but when cinched into a dress and heels for a day on behalf of someone else I like to bring someone I can talk to. If I can’t I’ll make a friend there. Even if it’s one of the under ten crowd. If someone is gonna sit around and mope because they’re single or have no one to talk to…I think a little punishment in the form of a wedding is in order. They’re just gonna stay lonely and bitter unless they jump up and join in.

That being said…that day is yours. I’m there for you. In whatever form you want and with whatever posse you want. You want me to wear lime green taffeta and crimp my hair? Done. You want me to go around barking like a puppy when you say I do? It’s all good. And I shouldn’t have a damn thing to say about it. And I like it that way.

It’s your day, your way. Congratulations!

I went to a Sikh wedding for a friend once, and wore a head covering, took off my shoes and particpated like everyone else even though I was told I didn’t have to. while it might not apply in your wedding sometimes a wedding can be an experience in itself and you should throw yourself in headfirst and be accomodating. It was an amazing experience.

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