Should I let him go?

Pass the eyedrops

Could you put your question in the bold text first please and then use paragraphs (and perhaps edit the narration a little)?

You just said you love him. If you love him.. why would you let him go? If your love is true for him you will be fully capable of helping him through this. Troubled childhoods often have this affect on the adult life of a victim. It may be a very difficult road.. but if you love him.. the juice will be worth the squeeze.

If your friends have their gut feelings telling them something isn’t right about this man and your own sister has been so polite as to use that old adage then let him go. Allow yourself to hurt and miss him but let him go. Most of the time, no amount of love will help another person love themselves. The juice you squeeze will be bitter.

Thank you for the responses… I hope to have more to come to a final conclusion. I (of course) like NaturalMineralWater’s response, but know that hunarvhunarvhortence is sincere too.

I am in love, and wonder if that is enough… I mean what is the right Time Frame to “wait” for him to decide if this (I am) is what he wants? Am I wasting my time? I truly, deeply care for him… I guess I want to know if you think there is a chance… or am I being a fool? I feel he is sincere, and really troubled (not crazy troubled, just doesn’t know how to “do” personal relationships.

@trishanddan I am of the persuasion that all you need is love. But I’m a hopeless romantic.. so it’s only natural.

If you don’t feel comfortable with the way he is, then let him go. He will not change no matter how much you want him to do so.

You say he says he is selfish and likes to do what he wants. He may simply be telling you the truth, and if you try to stay with him eventually you will realize that he is. By then you may have vested so much time and energy in the relationship that it will be incredibly painful for you at least, and for any children that may have come to be, to end things with him.

Do what your sister says: let him go. If he comes back to you then perhaps you have a chance together. But remember, he will not change unless he wants to change, and even then he will revert back frequently.

I’m just curious—what do you think is going to happen? Do you believe that if you just stick around long enough, he’ll suddenly turn into the person you want him to be?

He’s not making you happy. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He’s not going to change.

Also, what is going on with you and your history that you are willing to put up with this?

I did “let him go”, but then I was weak (after about 9 days), and I initiated communication again… not sure if that is really me “letting go”, I am just scared if I let go, he will too (he would think I really don’t care even though I have told him time and time again I care deeply and accept him for who he is and as he is)... is this too hard? Should a relationship be easier? Am I trying too hard or are things worth having worth the “hard”. I guess you can tell I cam grasping at anything that will give me a chance with him because I have never felt this with anyone, and the chemistry is unreal… he never wants to leave me when he is with me (it is a sweet, sincere, (kind of sad) but loving thing)... but then he leaves, and it is so hard! I guess I am hoping that if I try harder, then it will get our relationship “over that hump” and he will trust that he can be happy.

@nikipedia – you are right… I do sound like a desperate girl… I really have never felt this way, I guess I feel sorry for him, but I am also in love with him… I would like to have a future with him… the works… marriage, kids, etc! I want it all… like everyone… to be happy, and tha twould make me happy (what I just mentioned)... My life would suck with out him (like the Kelly Clarkson song…) I guess I want to know if my heart would heal if I let him go because it was too painful when I “tried” to “let him go” before!

Saying goodbye to someone you love is the hardest thing in the world, no matter what form it takes. But it sounds to me like you know what you need to do.

I continue to hope to believe in a world where you can have that kind of chemistry and be treated well. I don’t have a lot of evidence that it exists. But I’m optimistic.

@trishanddan The more I think about this the more I wonder. I may be wrong. It all comes down to you making a choice and sticking with it. It takes an awful lot for someone to change such behavior .. you would have to be willing to dive in full tilt in order for it be a successful endeavor. To me it’s a classic example of high risk, high reward.. or high risk.. high failure. All in all.. a risky situation.

FIGHT don’t give up!! If you love him like you say do then that should be your guiding light. You can’t change the person he is, he must do that for himself (as with all of us) but you can show him that he can be happy. I also know what it feels to be scared of committing to someone when you’ve been deeply hurt. Don’t stop trying.

@nikipedia… you are right… I kind of know what I have to do, but I also want to give this a chance… how much more time do I give it… I feel like he can do it (I even told him I would not give up on him, that I thought he could “do this” (commit))... I know, this sounds so dysfunctional! (kind of is, but no one is perfect… and you know, that love thing)

@NaturalMineralWater so you are saying stick it out? I want to know a time frame. I have to go for now, but will be back!
@FGS Thanks!!! Please answer the time question too… I value all of your responses! I have to go for now…

@trishanddan Time question as in????

@trishanddan What I’m saying is that if you decide to risk it and follow your love.. it may be the most rewarding thing that ever happened in your entire life.. after you two have melded and blended together.. worked out all the kinks… it can also, however, be a very painful trip if you dive in and it just doesn’t work out.. the choice really lands on you to make.. time-wise and all.. I know that might not help much but… from experience.. I know that my hopeless romanticism often gives me too much hope.. blinds me to reality…

Above all you should tell him how you feel.. gauge his response.. follow your heart.

What are you getting out of the relationship? It sounds to me as if he is saying he doesn’t really want a relationship with you, and he isn’t willing to make any accomodations for you.

And why would he? You’re willing to stick around even if he treats you with indifference.

Why are you in this relationship? What are you getting out of it?

@FGS

I have to respectfully disagree with you. Not all the love in the world can help a person such as him. He sounds like he has a lot of issues stemming from a bad childhood and baggage. I can guarantee you that if you stay, he’s NOT going to change. His unhappiness stems from something within himself and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

At least he has the insight to say that he IS selfish. He’s not committing to you or putting up any effort to further the relationship…but why? Heed your sister’s advice and just let him go. You don’t need this guy to bog you down with his issues…he needs to sort them out on his own and I doubt that will be any time soon unless he seeks out professional help.

You have to take a person as you find him. Even if you think a relationship with you will transform this person and make him whole, it isn’t going to happen that way unless he thinks you’re his emotional salvation. And if he’s not communicating, he doesn’t.

It’s all to easy to be seduced by the “project” aspect of badly damaged men, and mistake it for love. You will not be his salvation. He will not be the person you need him to be.

Thank you all! I am taking this all in. I would probably tell my friend to run and never look back, but being in the relationship, that is not as easy of an option. @AlfredaPrufrock you are right… the “project” is seductive… but I love him… the man he is, and the sadness in him (I want HIM to see happiness… I know I can’t do that for him, but I want him to realize it for himself). @cwilbur you are right… He has not had to do anything! But will be “leaving him alone” make him decide if he wants me? (Or is that a childood storybook tale?) I get out of the relationship is a love I have never felt… an intimacy I have never felt, and a desire to be with him… and when we are together, he seems to feel the same.
I think I will simply sit back and back off. I will keep in touch, but not be available to him (that will be HARD to do). And if I meet someone else…

@FGS I like your responses… can you simply wave a wand and make it so that my hard work/heartache will result in happiness… I know that is not possible. I am not giving up, but he might… and that will be very sad, but I guess only time will tell!
Before, you asked what I meant about time… I meant how much time should I realistically think I can give this… 1 month, 3 months, I know if a fourth month rolls around with no progress it is over, but up to three months? (We have been dating almost 5 months with no real progress) As you can see, I am a romantic that wants this to work, but should I simply WAKE up and move on?? Am I living too much in the fantasy of what could be and not the reality of what it is???

All I have to say is sometimes we love people who aren’t good for us.

@hug_of_war I agree, but can you “get through” to people and help THEM see the light, (not the light that I am the one for him, but the light that Life can be happy and joyous). We are great together, but his past failures in relationships and his horrible example (his parents) have all put him in the mind set that he has given up on relationships… casual is good, but commitment will fail in the end, so why even put up with the headache. he has given up at age 30! I want him, but I want a future and a commitment from him. I just want to know if you guys think this is a lost cause, of should I give it time and follow my heart a little longer. I mean i am young, and am in no particular hurry (I mean I don’t want to waste my time, but I think he is worth it, but of course I want happiness in the end (he and I together), but wonder based on your experiences if this is even worth the time, thought, effort.

He is VERY sucessful in his career, so I know if he puts his mind into something, it can work, but he won’t even TRY (plus it seems to be easier for him because he lives 2 hours away, so I have NOT met his family, he has only met my friends and some of my family).

I know lots of men like this; they don’t change. Simply because they don’t need commitment for personal fulfillment. They get that through work. They don’t attach to people.

@AlfredaPrufrock so you think this will never work? I can deal with his work (working all of the time… because he knows how to balance sometimes… and I think it would be awesome because I would not want to be 24/7 with him… I think we could compliment each other. I guess (as you can tell) I am grasping on to anything that will keep this alive. DO you think he would “come back to me” if I let him go… or a man like this simply likes being selfish and alone?

Yes. Self-absorbed people are that way because they like it that way. They have their own company, and social relationships. They are only responsible for themselves, and to themselves. That’s okay, but it’s unfair to all to expect them to be otherwise.

This is a major incompatibility issue. You live two hours away and you’re excluded from his daily life and other relationships? Does seeing him culminate in sex each time?

@trishanddan

Just because the man is successful in his career and works a lot doesn’t mean that he’s able to work toward a committed relationship with you. It’s totally different.

I’ve been with a man who was a lot like your guy….selfish, worked VERY hard, extremely intelligent, but he had this depression, this sadness, and no matter what I did, NOTHING worked. He simply did not and could not change himself with insight and professional help. He sought neither. Luckily it ended before I wasted more time and energy with him.

It’s a hard lesson to learn, but he has baggage, issues, and sadness that can’t be solved with you being with him. You can’t show him the light; he can only “see it” if he were to get professional help. There’s nothing you can do. You risk wasting time and energy in someone who’s really not able to commit to you. You deserve better.

Why are you so set on staying with him? What do you love about him? Is your love even reciprocated on his part?

You guys are so right! I have to gain the strength to back off and let him totally go! It just REALLY HURTS! I mean I want him so bad (I know that sounds desperate, and yes, it is… it is just I see how great it could be, and am willing to work with him, but you guys are right, if he doesn’t try, what is the point. I guess I was wondering how much more time to “waste” (for lack of a better term) before I am satisfied that this is not going anywhere, and move on (I really don’t want to, but I guess there is no choice)!
I will keep you posted on what happens over the next month. I should be either TOTALLY out or????

@trishanddan It all comes down to how much time,heart and energy you’re willing to invest. Is the pay off gonna be worth the price of a possible heartache or a possible windfall? It’s a crap-shoot. Only you can make that call. My only advice for you is the same my father gave me “Follow your heart but think with your head..never the other way around”.

@trishanddan

You’re stuck with the “if onlys” and “what ifs”. It sounds like what keeps you hanging onto him are the thoughts of “how great it could be.” and “if only I could do this so that he would…”. But that’s fantasy…it can’t happen. I’ve been there myself…sticking with a guy because “maybe it could work out and it’ll be wonderful!” until I finally realized that it wasn’t possible and it would NEVER work out. Not a maybe, a never.

The only reason why you should be staying with someone is because of what you both get out of the relationship and you’re both satisfied…you shouldn’t stay hanging onto a dream of what “could” be. That’s not healthy for you.

Thoughts of “what ifs” and “maybes” and “if onlys” are unhealthy and can haunt people for years, and make them stay in bad situations with that constant nagging in their heart. Please don’t let this happen to you. These thoughts are a way of denying Reality and trying to “wish” something true that won’t happen. Change those “maybes” into “nevers”, bury them, and move on. You won’t be missing out.

If you can learn this early, you’ll be better off than most.
Best of luck. If you’d like to talk more, just comment on my profile and I’ll reply.

Leaving him alone will make him miss you, but if all he has to do is contact you and you’ll come running back, he’ll contact you. This is not a sign that he loves you, but rather a sign that he likes what he had and he’s willing to string you along.

You say you have a love you never felt and an intimacy you never felt. I think you’re misnaming this emotion. He almost certainly doesn’t love you if he’s behaving as he is. It’s more like he likes what he’s getting from you. But that doesn’t mean he loves you. And it doesn’t sound to me like you have any real intimacy; if you’re playing games like “dump him and see if he comes back,” you don’t really have any real communication going on, and communication is essential for intimacy.

I’m in the same situation, I’ve been dating a guy for 11 months and he has had two bad relationships and a drug problem. He has battled the drug problem but is now dealing with severe depression and a job loss.

Previously I had a 6 year relationship with a person who was Bipolar and it was a nightmare,(My luck) I don’t want the same with my new guy.

I’m a very adventurous, independent person. I love my new guy to death for his positive attributes but his negatives are starting to get me down due to lack of communication. I’m on a 6 month plan to complete a long desired goal and I want him with me, however he is 8 years older than me and does not know what he wants to do with himself.

The conclusion I came to and I think it’s best for all is to let him go. I think you may want to weight the pro and cons of course for yourself. If it is more of a drain then sustainability then it is time to move on, for the sake of both parties involved. You get to live this life once, make the most of it!