He said he can't trust me. What can I do, do I give him space or prove myself...if so how?

I have hurt him in that – he didn’t like me talking to this guy yet I did as I thought it was a control thing.

trust is fragile but him not trusting you may not just be about your actions, it may also be a way for him to express thinly veiled insecurities or him wanting to break it off, possibly…if you conscience is clear, say ‘look, i knew you didn’t like the guy so i didn’t tell you but nothing happened and that’s the truth, i’m deeply sorry, i’ll give you space’...in the meantime tough it out but if he plays the victim all too long, reconsider your relationship

He said that if you really loved someone you wouldn’t do things that hurt them.

@Turtle
i hate when people do the whole ‘if you REALLY loved someone, you would/wouldn’t do _____”...it’s so manipulative and passive aggressive..say that ‘yes, not intentionally, i wouldn’t hurt you, but i can’t undo that it did hurt you’

@Turtle : I understand how you feel. I recently hurt my boyfriend too and lost his trust. Dont lie to him, nothing good comes out from lying and in the end, he will find out. ( Like right now). Tell him you wont do anything behind his back again ( and dont!)
About what you just wrote (that if you love someone you wouldnt do things that hurt them), well, sometimes you dont mean to hurt them. People make mistakes, period. You are human and youre bound to make mistakes.
Just prove to him that you can change and ever go behind his back again. Prove that you are sorry and make it up to him.

I said I never meant to intentionally hurt him, but he said that I must of otherwise why would I of continued to do it. I should of just not talked to the other person and put him first. He feels like I put the other person first who is not a friend as it turns out anyway.

What did you do that hurt him? If it’s just that you talked to a male friend then he is grossly overreacting.

He had a bad feeling about this person and that he wasn’t a good person. But I didn’t listen and he has taken it personally and thinks dont respect his opinion.
Turns out he was right about the guy he didn’t like.

The lying that i hadnt talked to him when I did awhile ago hurt him too

It’s hard to reconcile “I love him, and he is my soulmate” with “I did things he asked me not to do, and lied to him about them.”

Seeing people that he doesn’t approve of is not automatically your fault; people can make unreasonable requests. But seeing people he doesn’t approve of behind his back and lying to him about it—that is unreasonable. The right thing to do would have been to say, “hey, bf, this guy is a friend of mine, and we’re not doing anything inappropriate.”

Breaking off relationships with people you can’t trust not to lie to you is a very sensible thing to do, and often necessary in order to preserve your mental health. This might be one of those lessons you have to learn the hard way.

Ok, that’s different. You’ll have to build his trust back up slowly, there’s no fast way to do this. First of all, be up front with your opinion of people and talk with him about these things like “what don’t you like about him” etc. And you can’t lie in a relationship, ever. People will be like “little white lies won’t hurt” but it always ends up turning into something big. You should give a sincere apology and fully explain yourself. If he doesn’t want to be with you, that’s the best you could do. If you do breakup(are ex’s?) then all you can do is learn from this.

I lied because I knew he would be upset and it wasn’t worth him getting upset over.

stupid i know – made a huge mistake.

He said it’s too late. I dont know how I can handle losing him over something so meaningless. I want to promise a totally open clean slate….but is it too soon to say things like that. Or time doesnt matter.

How many times did things like this happen?

only on this same thing – he said 4 times

@Turtle: You lied to avoid conflict. This is a big red flag for him—someone who will lie to avoid conflict once will lie to avoid conflict again. And that makes it impossible for him to trust you, because he needs to know that if you have a problem, you will bring it up with him and not lie to him to avoid a conflict over it.

It’s impossible to build a solid relationship on conflict avoidance.

I want to keep messaging him and want to tell him how much he means to me everyday so he knows and doesn’t forget. I dont know if thats good?
We both have alot of love so it’s a trust problem.

If he has broken up with you, messaging him every day is stalkerish and creepy. It’s more likely to result in him blocking you than in any sort of reconciliation.

cwilbur is right: you have to be completely honest and upfront, anything less will simply not do. And yes the texting every day would only push him away. You have to give him space and if he really loves he he might give you another chance, in which case you should not ever lie again for any reason.

Yes I would want a normal open relationship, we have kinda been in-between which I think has caused these issues

Let the situation cool down. Dont text him over and over again telling him that you love him, because the only thing he will think about when he reads your messages is that you lied to him. Let it cool off.. wait like a week or so and talk to him again.
Tell him you will never do something like this again and that I wasnt fair on him. But really mean it because if he decides to give you another chance and you screw it up, thats buh bye forever.

Thankyou, He says it’s too late already.
I can’t imagine not being with him. We haven’t even had a chance to be in a proper relationship as in out in the open yet. I’m sorry for repeating…thankyou for your replies.

I really hope…i am hoping so damn hard.

Move on. I know you are hurting but this crap is all a part of growing and in every heart ache you become a better person if you let yourself grow from the experience. You may learn that you are to valuable to be with someone so insecure that you are fearful to tell him you talked to someone he didn’t like. You may learn that you need to be honest in relationships. What ever it is, rest assured that you will find love again and that the lessons learned in this relationship will give you so much more to bring to the next.

Im sorry I can’t even comprehend that now. All I can think is that he knows me well enough so that if I wait it out eventually he’ll know and see.
I have been planning a life with him.
I’m hoping for the best our connection is so strong but I think that I may have become complacent because of that which is why i’ve heard we always hurt the ones we love the most.
I would do anything to turn back time. I really wish there was something I could do.

I’ll move forward honestly and positively.

@Turtle ; at least show yourself enough respect not to beg. That’s the one thing us girls often do in this situation and soon enough regret.

@Turtle : Please, dont over think this. I know how you feel but please dont be miserable until he talks to you again. Take a deep breath and try to take your mind off it. I know youre thinking a million ways on how to get him back and ask for forgiveness, but one thing I learned about guys is that they need space to think. And while youre giving him this space, you might as well use this time to think about what you want, what you need. If you are absolutely certain that this guy is THE ONE for you, then wait for what he was to say.
Propose a “time-out”. Tell him that for the following week, you will not talk to each other, no contact. During this time, do what I told you and think about you as a person, and you as his girlfriend. Weight all the pros and cons (tell him to do the same). After a week, talk to each other. Discuss what you’ve thought and reach a veredict.
If after all this he still doesnt want to be with you at all…just let him go. You cant force a person to be with you just because you want to. I really hope this works out because you sound really really worried and hurt.

@May2689

Yeah I am really upset and hurt. I just cant stop crying or eat. I will try and not think too much.
He told me we can still live together as flatmates. I might be upset all the time though. But I’m thinking too far ahead.

If he really loved you, he would be able to forgive you. I’m sorry, but he sounds like a manipulative creep. I know you love him, but I think that love blinds you to his character. He’s not perfect. You’re not perfect. You’re probably young. As you get older, this stuff will seem trivial compared to the problems you face then. I know this doesn’t really help now, but if you can try to put this into perspective, you may be able to not be so attached to it.

Love is great, but there is more than one person to love in the world, Indeed, more than one soulmate. Please don’t be fooled by romantic mythology.

And if you are flatmates, you’ll have to leave if this is serious. He might just be jerking your chain to make you owe him. Something about this just doesn’t feel right to me.

We are in our 30’s. I know he isnt perfect neither am I. I know there can be more than one soulmate.
We just got off to a tough start in our relationship due to other circumstances.
The love is there. I have been unthoughtful to his feelings.

Remember, love forgives.

He may be in his 30’s but he sounds very imature to me.

I know it should. He is very hardline on forgivness and doesn’t do it easily. I forgive very easily and he doesn’t so we are different in that way.

@May2689

Thanks

He is who he is. Not immature just black or white.
I know we just need a good shot at an out in the open relationship where nothing is hidden.
I think that is why I’m also so upset cause we havent had the chance to do that yet.

It would be like the relationship is over before it begun.

Anyway I shouldnt put anymore energy thinking negatively.

He cares for me so much and I do for him. Well he did. But I will always.
This is like some terrible nightmare mistake. I know the changes I would make in myself and the relationship already. I want to tell him but he won’t listen now.
I havent slept am very delirious.
bye all

All that’s left to say is good luck. And don’t let this turn you off to dating, no one ever gets anything done by not trying.

It sounds to me like your BF is more about controlling you than loving you. If he doesn’t trust you because you talked to another guy, that is not love – it is control. And the longer the relationship continues and you allow him to control you in this manner, the more control he will exert over you. Take the time away from him to really reassess what you are getting out of the relationship with him. Please, please, please do not texting and calling him everyday. Give him time to miss you and maybe he will come ‘round to understanding how over-the-top his reaction was.

@Resonantscythe

I have experience with this because I have someone in my life that keeps feeding me these little white lies. Basically once you start lying to someone they don’t know what to believe and what to disbelieve. Everything you say becomes suspicious and its hard to have a relationship with someone when you don’t know what to believe. Honesty is always the best policy whether you are in a relationship or just friends. I think you should sincerely apologize and allow time to heal the wound. If you are truthful from here on out the trust will build back up again.

I see problems on both sides of this. One, you lied. More than once – that is a huge problem. You can’t continue to lie to someone and expect them to want to stay in a relationship with you, regardless of the reason why you lied. If you feel that you have to lie to protect yourself, something is already wrong with the relationship. If you feel like you have to lie to keep from an argument happening, that’s never good. If you have to lie so that you can see friends (I get it, he doesn’t like this guy – why?), that’s bad.

If he has to set “rules” on who you can and can’t see, that’s not good, either. One, why does he feel like he needs to do this? Two, examine his friends – do you restrict him? I hope not. He may be in his 30’s, but he sounds insecure – if he’s restricting friends. He doesn’t sound unreasonable if he’s upset about you lying, repeatedly. Now…his controlling nature isn’t good; but, you can’t lie to counter that nature. You undermined your credibility and his trust, though I wonder how trusting he is, if he restricts you from certain people.

All of this doesn’t matter, though. The relationship, from what you are saying, is over. It’s time to move on. You both wrecked this one. It’s time to learn the lessons and treat your next relationship differently and don’t lie to the person. Do not text him daily, do not call. Leave him alone. I’m sorry, but it is over. Next time, find someone that trusts your judgment in your friends, and doesn’t try to control your friendships. Also, make sure you show him the respect he deserves and don’t lie to him. You deserve a good, healthy relationship! Don’t sabotage it! :)

@daloon – Yes, if someone loves you enough, they should be able to forgive; however, sometimes, it takes time. It’s not always instant. Also, some can forgive, but not be able to stay in the relationship. I forgive my first husband for many things, but he’s not someone that I could live with, beyond the forgiveness. Forgiveness does not always equal trying again.

With this and your other questions, you have now received over 80 responses about your personal problems. I think you would be better served by seeing a psychologist for some counseling. If your fellow flutherites haven’t helped by now, try a professional approach.

@daloon: You can love someone, but also realize that the relationship is not healthy. And if a relationship is not healthy, and your partner is unwilling or unable to do anything about it, the only thing that you can do is end it.

It’s not about loving someone, or not loving someone. It’s about not being willing to put up with a relationship that is unhealthy and shows no sign of changing for the better.