I just ate a lot of extremely spicy food and drank a lot of beer. This is not going to, uh, come out very well...what can I do to alleviate the pain?

If you just ate it,(and drank it) take some tums now. It may make things come out a bit smoother.

It’s too late for tums, i can ensure you of this. I meant to say relief for afterward. After the inevitable horror has happened and I am writhing in pain on my bathroom floor.

pepto bismal.

diaper rash medicine?

Man, what the hell did you eat?

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

It’s all part of the territory. Wear your pain with pride.

All I can say is…wipe well. Very, very well. Wet naps if you have to.

Pepto Bismol enema?

@TaoSan lol

Drink some milk now. Eat some yoghurt.

I feel for you dude. It is like when you get thrown off your bike and as you are flying through the air you are thinking “Shit- this is going to hurt”

May the landing be merciful.

Baby Wipes. Dab, Dab, Dab.

I second the advice to drink some milk or eat some yogurt. I will help at least a little.

For the love of God do not dry wipe! Use baby wipes, the flush-able kind, no one wants that evidence left around. Be sure that you are clean after each visit!! I would also get some cooling type of ointment that is normally used for hemorrhoids (with out the meds) I hope everything “comes out” all right in the end!

If I am not mistaken the use of the phrase Awww Shit!, to describe unpleasantness, originated with an individual who had suffered a time or three from the burnin’ poops.

The diaper rash cream and the baby wipes are a good idea.

Also, drink a ton of water.

I’ve experienced this. It’s like getting anal sex from the devil himself.

No advice to add that’s better than the good advice above, so I’ll just add my sympathy. <pat pat pat> I hope you recover quickly. And meanwhile I hope you don’t have to go anywhere very far from home. This would be a bad time, for example, to be in a friend’s wedding.

or hosting a child’s birthday party

or taking the oath of office

Pray to whatever god you believe in.

This is why every bathroom should be equipped with flushable wipes. Be kind to your behind.

So…... did everything come out alright?

Definitely use flushable wipes or baby wipes, but make sure they are unscented. Don’t rub hard!

You need to give us an update.. was it as bad as you thought it was going to be?

“C’mon ice cream” – Cheech & Chong

Maybe there is a god. Whether there is or not, I expect you will be saying “oh God!” for the next day or two. Milk and yougart may help but it is probably too late.
Since this question is almost a year old, I expect that you are a lot wiser and possible a little lighter now.

Hope it wasn’t too bad.