General Question

funky_princess's avatar

Is sex on the first date a good or a bad thing?

Asked by funky_princess (323 points ) May 5th, 2009

So… Im meeting this guy tomorrow, we arnt really going on a date he is just coming round mine to hang out but think he may have a few ideas in his head that we, shall i say ‘end up in the bedroom’ Is it wrong to sleep with him tomorrow or not. This is the first time we have met up in agessss! like years! And if it isnt a good idea sleeping with him then any ideas how i can keep him downstairs and to keep his hands to himself!

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77 Answers

richardhenry's avatar

When a girl makes me want her, it’s sexy. Easy girls aren’t worth hanging onto. If you wanna just have a roll around, then go for it. But if you’re wanting a relationship, then it’s a bad idea.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Yeah, I’m going to go with “No” on this one.

The best way to keep from having sex is to have him stay elsewhere if you doubt you’ll both be able to control your urges.

oratio's avatar

Depends on the guy and what you want. Is he meeting you for sex only, do you meet him for sex or relationship. Since you have a history and this is the first time you meet since then, it seems a bit rash. If you don’t want sex, then maybe you should keep the date outside, till you feel you know what you want.

@richardhenry I am sure you mean well, but I don’t like the term easy girl really. I find it judgmental of how women should behave sexually. There are more than a few easy boys. Every girl is “easy” if she meets a guy she really likes.

Likeradar's avatar

Is it “wrong”? No. It’s not a right or wrong issue, imho. If you wanna have sex and realize the benefit and drawbacks of doing so, then (safely) bang away.

But if you decide you don’t want to, learn how to speak up and say “no.” If he doesn’t respect that, then he wouldn’t have been worth it anyway.

AstroChuck's avatar

Good if you’re the guy .

SquirrelEStuff's avatar

What are you doing Thursday? ;-)

Facade's avatar

That’s not a good idea.

charliecompany34's avatar

bad move. dont do it. moral, legal, emotional and ethical reasons to ensue.

premarital sex leads to either
A. love and marriage or
B. soul tie, misunderstandings, breakups, heightened emotions of passion and anger, orders or protection, restraining orders, court time, ending up on the cable TV show “snapped,” the sheriff at your door/his door.

in other words, be certain about the choices you make involving sex before marriage. the result can work in your favor or go south.

sorry to be so forward on this answer, but i know of somebody who was just served an order of protection last night. he is young. sex was involved and neither of the two involved are old enough to understand how binding sex is.

charliecompany34's avatar

orders “of” protection.

Likeradar's avatar

Also, see this

jbfletcherfan's avatar

Even tho you know him, I’d certainly not do it. I’d say it’s a bad idea. How to keep him downstairs is easy. Don’t let him upstairs!

westy81585's avatar

If you’re looking for a long term relationship, then no it’s not good.

I’ve had sex on the first date 3 times. Two of them the relationship never got off the ground (one of those times even though there was a great mutual interest). The third time (and most important) a great relationship came out of it all that lasted about 8–9 months. But we never developed emotionally the whole way, and I believe us having sex too quickly played into that (though in fairness it wasn’t why we broke up).

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

When sex comes before establishing a friendship or at least getting to know one another’s character then my opinion is everything else develops awkwardly, often not very well.

figbash's avatar

It depends on what you want from him. If you want him to take you seriously, and consider you as a future, legitimate romantic partner, NO.

I’m not saying that people who have had sex on the first date don’t ever wind up in a relationship together, it’s just that it seems more likely that men who know you’re gonna give it up quickly either immediately start thinking of you as booty call material or relegate you to ‘friend with benefits’ land.

If you just want some action and attention, and there are no strings attached, go for it – but obviously use protection.

rooeytoo's avatar

Here we are in the 21st century but the double standard is still alive and well. The comments above all assume that the guy is a real lucky stud if they have sex and the girl is an easy slut .Males who have sex with anyone they can are sluts whether they are called that or not.

Why is it always assumed that women want a relationship therefore have to have a game plan on how to trap the man.

I think sex outside of a committed relationship is not a good thing because there is always the chance of pregnancy. Both female and male should keep this in mind, it should not be a consideration for the female only.

elijah's avatar

@rooeytoo I agree with you that the double standard does exist. I don’t agree with it. My opinion is that anyone who sleeps around is a slut. I’m not PC about it.
I’m sorry but If you sleep with someone on the first date there is a very slim chance of it turning into anything more. My theory is if you are more worried about getting a piece of ass instead of actually getting to know someone, your just admitting you aren’t worth much. Sluts are a dime a dozen. Be better than that. You deserve more. If you don’t want a relationship or care about giving yourself to a stranger, I say go ahead and do it.

cdwccrn's avatar

Not a good idea at all.

ems's avatar

There is this weird belief that if you hold off on the sex with a guy it will somehow legitimize the relationship before getting physical, and keep him around longer. This just seems old fashioned and prudish to me, no offense. Some guys are out for sex, some guys are looking for a relationship and I think it is easy to tell which is which.

It isn’t fair to call someone a slut for having sex on the first date. Man or woman. People should be able to make their own decisions and not be judged for them. :)

wundayatta's avatar

What concerns me is that funky_princess acts as if she can’t say no, if the guy wants to fuck her. She sounds as if she believes she is powerless to stop it from happening, if that’s what he wants. The very fact that she asks this questions suggests she has little sense of power for herself. She may take into account what a bunch of strangers on the internet say! Pretty scary.

The issue here is probably self-esteem. I suspect she wants to learn how to be stronger, and how to establish what she wants and then make it happen. If that’s the case, then she should tell Don Juan not to bother showing up. Just beg off with any excuse whatsoever.

I don’t think she’s a slut at all. Even if she does want a nsa roll in the hay. I think the guy knows someone who he can easily take advantage of (which is different from saying she’s easy), and feels no compunctions about picking the low-hanging (forbidden) fruit. He’s the one with dubious morals.

If I’m right, call it off. If you want a night of fun, go for it. If you want a relationship with this guy, you may want to think again. Certainly, you should get to know him better before you consider being that intimate with him.

cecildooderbop's avatar

Obviously if you’re asking how to keep him downstairs and his hands off you probably shouldn’t do it.. The girl should control the goods. Demand respect and he won’t touch you.

westy81585's avatar

I mean if you just wanna have sex with him, go for it. But it would probably hinder any long term relationship you may plan on having with him. But hey if you don’t care about that, go for it if you want.

justwannaknow's avatar

NO!!!! and just say NO! Fisrt date sex is the beginning of the end. Anything can happen and you do not know if this is the guy you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life with and not just be another notch in his bedpost. YOU are the boss of the situation. DO NOT let him control it.

wundayatta's avatar

She said it wasn’t really a date.

justwannaknow's avatar

Date, get together, friendly visit, whatever is all the same unless it is a straight up booty call.

jackfright's avatar

depends entirely on what you want.
i find sex on the first date to be great if the girl knows what she wants.
if i sense any uncertainty, i’m out. indecisive girls are a turn off.

augustlan's avatar

It’s neither a good nor a bad thing, just a thing. If you want to, then go ahead. (Use protection!) If you don’t, then say “No”.

knitfroggy's avatar

If you feel you want to, then go for it. If you don’t want to and he cares about you then it shouldn’t be a big deal. If he values you he should respect that you don’t wanna have sex with him after seeing him for the first time in years.

benjaminlevi's avatar

@justwannaknow Did she say she wanted to spend the rest of her life with this guy?

skfinkel's avatar

In response to your specific question, it’s a bad thing.

DragonFace's avatar

Its a good thing. Just get drunk and get pregnant that makes everyone a better person

spresto's avatar

(Shrugs)

joybells34's avatar

I have been the person to have sex on the first date. It didn’t matter to me at the time because that all I wanted so whether he looked at me wrong didn’t matter to me. Now that I’m older I would say “no” to sick on the first date.

nayeight's avatar

I really don’t understand the whole waiting to sleep with a guy and he’ll respect u more thing. It’s so childish and old fashioned. I personally avoid guys who don’t take girls seriously just because they slept with them on the first date. While I understand that relationships should not be built entirely on sex, it’s going to happen if you want to be with that person whether it’s that day, a week, a month, or a year from then. If you don’t have a connection with that person before or after you have sex it’s because you’re not meant to be. I don’t think being a prude will do anything different.

nayeight's avatar

If you want to have sex with him, do it and if you don’t then don’t. But if you do want to have sex with him and you want a relationship with him too, make sure he’s not one of those guys that will write you off after he gets some.

mamabeverley's avatar

@jbfletcherfan Keep him downstairs?? There are just as many places downstairs to have sex. It sounds to me that she wants to have sex with him. It is not really a frist date, as they have known eachother for years and are just reconnecting.

That being said. Don’t do it. Not because of morality, but because you don’t know where he has been or who he has been with for the last few years. NOBODY touches me without a condom and that is AFTER a clean bill of health!

elijah's avatar

@nayeight Actually it takes a lot more maturity to keep your legs closed and not give in to every impulse you feel. It’s called will power.

nayeight's avatar

@elijah Thats your opinion and I respect it but I don’t agree with it. It depends on your reasons for keeping your legs closed. If it’s a personal choice like you honestly want to wait to have sex because you would feel more comfortable getting to know them then great, but if your holding back on something you really want because you want to wrangle a man or don’t want him to think badly of you then those are the wrong reasons.

nayeight's avatar

I also think it’s funny that men never ask this question. Women, would you ever date a guy that couldn’t keep his legs closed on the first date?

elijah's avatar

Just from my own experience. I’ve had friends who were complete sluts. One girl for example- she believed in the whole sexual revolution bs about it’s just sex, do it if it feels good! She could never understand why people didn’t treat her well, why no guys called her back, or if they did call back it was just for sex. The only people who would talk to her were guys who wanted a piece of ass, she was an easy score.
She would literally ask me how I got men to treat me so well. I was getting taken out to dinner, bought gifts, sent me flowers, took care of me if i got sick, when we went out in public they would open doors and buy my drinks. They would tell everyone how happy they were. Even if I broke up with them some would practically stalk me (not in a creepy way) because they didn’t want to lose me. Why? Because they rarely met a woman like me, who doesn’t believe in casual sex, hasn’t slept with 100 guys, demanded respect for myself, knew what was acceptable and on top of all that was loving and caring and sweet. Of course im not perfect, but i do the best i can.
I would not date a man that recently slept around, because I expect and deserve better. I have dated ex-sluts, my one boyfriend went to my HS and was a real pig, I was friends with him but he never had a chance to date me. We kept in touch over the years and he really changed his ways. I know if someone is slutty that doesn’t automatically make them a bad person. It just means we are different. I’m not going to pat them on the back and say “Yeah! Go for it!” but i’m not going to lecture them either. Hopefully they learn by example.

fedupwitcaddys's avatar

never let no body pressure you into sex if you dont wanna have sex…......second of all, if you dont plan to have a seroius relationship with tha dude and you want to do it what the hell. but if you really digging him and you wanna pursue something more….... dont do it, because he’ll think you’re a SLUT PUPPET and anybody can get you in the sack with ease. then he’ll be coming over for DRIVE-BY’S and nothin else!

justwannaknow's avatar

funky_princess You asked 3 days ago and the get together was 2 days ago, Are you still needing advice or did the situation decide itself? Not asking for details either way.

Disc2021's avatar

You’re going to get mixed opinions about this – and it really depends on your own sense of morality.

If you are asking for an opinion… I would say hell yes, it’s a bad thing. Sex is best saved for someone you’re very intimate with – otherwise, it’s made out to be as simple as using the toilet. You get together, have sex and once it’s over. You leave or he leaves and you’re both empty handed. If it’s happening as quick as the first date then the precise intent is simple – that’s probably all he/she wants.

There was a time when I was alright with that. I used to think relationships weren’t worth the bother as someone always gets hurt or screwed over, but I’ve been made into a believer. Now when when I have sex with someone I almost feel like a whore in the sense that once the job is over (the climax), I’m no longer important. I hate opening up up and giving something to someone that was once sacred exclusively between me and someone else.

If you want the more realistic approach – if the type of person is going to do you on the first date, think about how many MORE people they’re “doing” so quickly. Can someone say STD’s?

Some feel that sex is that simple – just a quick act of nature that’s once an done. You kind of have to figure out what exactly sex means to you before you could determine whether it’s good or bad and in particular circumstances.

Horus515's avatar

I know this girl who would say it was totally ok. Then again, she has little to no self-respect.

punkrockworld's avatar

BAD BAD BAD girl

SquirrelEStuff's avatar

@funky princess

Can we have an update to the question?
Did fluther help persuade your decision?

funky_princess's avatar

hey course you can have an update @chris6137
He did come round one night and we stayed in a watched tv and stuff, and no we did not have sex, i decided that maybe it wasnt such a good idea on the first meeting, he obviously wanted to though as his hands did, shall we say ‘wonder’ but i just politly moved them away and we meeting again soon.
Just want to say thanks to everyone who answered my question, i appreciate it and took it all into concideration :)
x

nayeight's avatar

Well funky princess, good job keeping your legs closed! Now he’ll respect you & marry you & be the father of your children because you didn’t act like a slut.

wundayatta's avatar

@nayeight Gee, that wouldn’t be sarcasm, would it? Naw. You wouldn’t do that.

funky_princess's avatar

@nayeight If you dont have anything nice to say then you should just keep your mouth shut! Im not interested in sarcastic comments!

Disc2021's avatar

@funky_princess Although it was a little sarcastic, I think she’s got a bit of a point. Question – why would you want to meet up again with someone after you already know what they’re after? Are you just trying to prolong it from happening?

funky_princess's avatar

@Disc2021 I dont think that was all he wanted though i just think that he was ‘testing the water’ to see if that was on the table at all, after that night he is still texting me so surly if he only wanted one thing and i didnt give it to him he would have just moved on and forgotten about me

Speranza's avatar

I think that’s likely – you did well. But remember that some guys will be a little patient – can spin a booty call out a few dates…

I don’t think there’s anything morally wrong with sex on the first date if you feel okay about it – as somebody said, it’s about power and your confidence in getting what YOU want. But I do think it’s less likely that a relationship will come of it. If you think you might want a relationship with this guy, I’d hold out a little longer. Get to know him. Hell, women use guys for sex too! Why do people forget that?? Treat him as a fellow human being – the sex will happen if it’s meant to!

Disc2021's avatar

@funky_princess Not quite always – I’ve had certain people chase me around and beg for weeks when I’ve denied them. Some people are persistent and they’ll do whatever is necessary to get it, even if it means texting/calling you for a while longer.

I think generally, you could just tell by a person’s mannerisms when they want to just bang and when they’re actually around to stay. And to me, nothing say’s “I just wanna bang” more than someone who wants to do it on the first “date”. If they were around to stay, they wouldn’t be in any rush.

funky_princess's avatar

@Disc2021, ok ive taken on board what u have had to say and i will keep it in mind when i next see this guy, You could be right in saying that he still only wants one thing even though he is texting and stuff but i guess im only going to find that out by seeing him a few more tines right?! You could say that about anyone surly?! I was sure he was in it for a relationship not just sex but after reading your comment im not too sure now! :/

Nicole18's avatar

it is okay to have sex on the first date, especially if you two like eachother… if there is a connection then i think it is okay..i do it all the time

Speranza's avatar

But ‘all the time’ implies it never leads to anything longer term… which is fine if it’s okay with you, of course…

Disc2021's avatar

@funky_princess You could say anything about anyone really. There’s a lot of speculation in this sort of sociology. It’s just my logic based on the stories I’ve heard and my own personal situations. I could be wrong and you could be right – who knows. Surely, time will tell.

Although my opinion still remains – someone who is offering sex like that I believe has obviously prioritized that. If a relationship was more important and in his first concern, perhaps he would have assured that to you without even asking for sex. Then, I dont think you’d be so uncertain to ask such a question like that on here.

I just think sex comes last in terms of love and relationships. Sure a good sex life is healthy – but if you truly enjoy someone’s company and want to make advancements, sex comes secondary.

funky_princess's avatar

@Disc2021 Great answer, i totally agree with everything you said and am starting to have second thoughts about this guy now. Im beginning to doubt him which in the long run is a good thing as i dont just was to be a girl some-one comes to for just sex!
Thanks a million :)

Disc2021's avatar

I’m glad I was able to give you some insight =D.

Exactly my point – I don’t think anyone wants to be the “go to” person for sex. If that’s not who you want to be, you really have to use discretion when it comes to sex.

carebare's avatar

I think it’s a bad idea. Get to know eachother first, once you have sex the mystery is gone, there is nothing else to learn about eachother. Besides, 9 times out of 10, dating that starts off with sex right away never work, the relationship is over before it starts. Wait and have a few dates first, if he is not willing to respect the fact that you want to wait, then he is not the right guy for you.

Mr_Callahan's avatar

I’ll bring the baby oil, you bring the exercise mat.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

it has never been a bad thing for me

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

If what you want is a relationship….do NOT sleep with this person on a first date. If what you want is to be sitting by your phone waiting for him to call and he never does….then sleep with him.

Even in these modern times…...this is still the rule, unfortunately.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@DarlingRhadamanthus no, it isn’t
my husband and I never had a first date
we met online but the first time we met in person we slept together
best decision ever

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

Well….you are then the exception….not the rule….and remember…you got to really know each other online. No doubt you had shared basic information and probably realized that on one level you were compatible. He was not going to be “Mr Runaway” at that point. I am really happy that you connected, by the way. You bucked the odds…well done! But unfortunately, for every Mr Right, there are a dozen cads. You got a good one and so did he! :)

Zen's avatar

Bad thing.

rancid's avatar

If I didn’t have sex on the first date, I’d still be a virgin.

mary84's avatar

It is not impossible to start a serious relationship by having sex on the first date. It’s just not that common.

If you feel like having sex, then go ahead. If he thinks you’re easy just because of that, he’s not worth keeping anyway. Do what you feel like.
Have sex if you want to. Just be aware that some people still thinks that girls who have sex on the first date are easy, and that is just a common belief in our society, despite the fact that it is 2009 and a modern society we live in. Keep that in mind, but do not let that affect you. Do what you feel is right. Passionate sex on the first date can be the start of something if it feels right. I don’t think there is a “right” or “wrong” time to have sex. You have to use your gut feeling and common sense.

If he is the smooth player kind of guy, then jumping into bed with him first thing you do will most likely not be a good start of a romantic relationship, but – duh! – as I said that is just common sense.

Zen_Again's avatar

Said it before, I’ll say it again: bad thing.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. When something comes that free and easy it is easy to take it for granted. You have a past but would you ever get to revisiting it if the 1st thing that jumps off is sex? What if the sex was not good to him? What if iw as not good to you? Would that cloud any relationship you plan to have with him? If it starts off on a foundation of sex what is your fall back if the sex don’t work or gets old? If you want to keep him down stairs I don’t know whose place you are meeting at but you can try cooking a meal together, teach him something. Then you can eat the meal and by that time you have enough time invested in the evening to call it a night.

princessbuttercup's avatar

If all you want is the sex and nothing more it’s still not a good idea. But if you want more its disastrous.

Smashley's avatar

Good if it’s good sex
Bad if it’s bad sex

Baddreamer27's avatar

I think it depends on your history with him. If you haven’t ever taken your relationship to that level then no. Meaning, if you were just friends and you are expecting more…you have to start from the point of an official first date…and no sleeping with him yet. Make him wait for the good stuff and work for the benefits of having you. Now, if your history with this guy has been sexual before I dont see a problem with it as long as both of your situations allows for that….

Baddreamer27's avatar

and I agree…if you want more than just sex you should wait….a relationship doesnt do to well when you give it all you got the first night!

captainsmooth's avatar

I had sex with my ex wife the first time we hooked up. It was pretty random, and turned into a something that was pretty good (until everything fell apart).

I had sex with my current girlfriend the first time we met. We’ve been together for almost 10 months, and its been all good on many levels.

I did tell her the night we met that whether we hooked up or not that night wasn’t going to impact how I felt or respected her, and it hasn’t.

Xilas's avatar

if you want it, go get it

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