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amoreno06's avatar

What can i do to get him to trust me?

Asked by amoreno06 (352 points ) May 12th, 2009

i’ve been going out with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. He doesn’t trust me because in the past, i cheated on my exboyfriend and now my boyfriend thinks i’ll do the same on him.
but i’ve given him no other reason to think i’ll look for anyone else.
how can i get him to start trusting me? it’s been six months and it’s really hard to be in a relationship with no trust.
i’ve been really sweeet to him, he even says so, but i think his ex made him bitter towards women…
i want to try and fix everything, but i don’t even know where to begin. especially since technically, there’s nothing wrong. i’ve done NOTHING!

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14 Answers

arturodiaz's avatar

I will first say dont lie to him. I think in this case you will just have to give him time. And of course, do not give him any reasons to believe the contrary. And also, try not cheating again, im not religious or anything, but that is something that really hurts. You give your trust and confidence to someone and then he/she cheat on you. It feels horrible.

There is one keyword you sayd, technically, love and trust is not about technicalities, is about feelings. And perception is really important. I hope you solve your issues :)

wundayatta's avatar

You can’t get him to trust you. He’s the only one who can get him to trust you. What you can do is to be open and honest, and disclose your feelings without smothering him. You just be yourself. You be steady. Trust is about being able to predict another person’s behavior. If they are predictable, you trust them, if you can’t predict what they’ll do, they are not trusted.

You did something in the past that was unpredictable. Now you have to show that you are steady and constant and honest. You just have to do that for as long as it takes. There is no quick fix here. Nothing you can do, other than to be honest and steady. He’ll trust you, or not, when he comes to believe that your behavior indicates he should trust you.

Words are cheap. You can say anything you want, but it won’t make a difference. The only thing that counts is behavior. Behave well. Stop obsessing about whether he does or doesn’t say he trusts you. The thing is, if you trust yourself, you’ll be fine and he’ll come to trust you. If you think you’ll screw up, then you don’t deserve his trust, and he’ll know it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I have a friend in the exact same situation except the person she cheated with on her ex is her current partner and how he’s super paranoid that she’ll do it to him and it drivers her insane

Dog's avatar

It takes a lot of time for a person to open up enough to fully trust.

Give it plenty of time and do not try to rush things.

dynamicduo's avatar

You earn trust by doing trustworthy things and by not breaking the trust. So keep going as you are. Perhaps he’s just the kind of person who won’t trust you ever, in which case I guess you’ll know what to do (end it).

spresto's avatar

Darlin, you are in a rough spot. Men that get burned by women tend to be wary for long time. Take it from me…I am one. The mere fact that you did cheat once, is going to keep him even more skeptic about the relationship. However, there is hope. Otherwise, he would have already ended it. You just need to keep being a good gf and if you really care about him talk with him about it. If he doesn’t eventually come around you may need to

cak's avatar

It’s going to be frustrating, but keep going the course you are going. If he is worth it, hang in there.

One thing though, you need to understand that you did the honest thing by telling him. He does need to understand that was in the past – yes, it can happen again, but you did the honest thing by opening up to him and telling him the truth. That alone, is a huge act of trust on your part. A lot of people, upon hearing that someone has cheated in the past, tends to hang onto that adage, ” Once a cheater, always a cheater” and would easily dismiss you.

You may need to have a talk. If he is not able to move past the feeling that you may do this to him and to really trust you, then this might not be the right relationship for either of you. While you did something that hurt someone in the past, you cannot be punished forever for the transgression, especially by someone that you have not done anything to break the trust.

Everyone is right, it will take longer for you to earn trust, but there is a point when enough is enough. This is someone that you haven’t done anything to, he needs to be willing to trust – at least start to trust you.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Aside from talking about what led to your decision to cheat on your last bf, there’s not a lot. Once a cheater, always a cheater is a tough game to beat. People cheat for so many reasons and circumstances.

ru2bz46's avatar

It’s only six months, so cut your losses and find a more trusting guy. If you’ve done nothing against him, but he doesn’t trust you because of something you did to someone else, he’s just too untrusting. You’re young, so start over with someone who’ll give you a fair shake.

Understand that I’ve been cheated on by almost every woman I’ve been with. I still trust women until they give me a reason to not trust them. My estranged wife cheated on me many times with many men. I don’t trust her, anymore.

From this experience, I’ve observed that the cheaters I’ve been with have not been happy with themselves; they’ve been insecure with lowered self esteem (which tells me something about myself, too). Until you can be happy with yourself, without a man, you will not be able to properly love someone else, and you will likely cheat on your current boyfriend in the future. Fix your problems now while you are still young, then start dating again as a new person who will not be tempted to cheat.

By now, I’m sure you want to rail at me and tell me I’m full of shit, but I ask you to stop, take a deep breath, and look deep inside yourself. Make a list of what you love about yourself, and make a list of what you hate about yourself. If your hate list is more than a few serious items (especially if it is longer than your love list), you are going to have a hard time giving another the respect you won’t give yourself. Learn how to move the items from your hate list to your love list, then find a guy who loves you for the same reasons.

You’re a pretty girl. Maybe start with that.

bright_eyes00's avatar

then dont give him a reason to doubt you and just be honest with him. you cant make him trust you. that is something he has to do. but believe me if he doesnt trust you after long then he prolly never will. i just went through something like that. he couldnt trust me and it just put soo much stress on us. to the point where i was exhausted by the emotinal strain. you need to keep your health and emotional stability in mind when dealing with guys like that. if it starts to eat on you then you need to ask yourself “is this really worth it or would i be better off trying to find someone new?” i know that sounds horrible but believe me letting him go was the best thing i could do for either of us. good luck

wundayatta's avatar

If you’ve cheated, and your relationship with both parties breaks up, do you tell the next person the whole truth about what happened?

amoreno06's avatar

@daloon i guess only if he asks if i have cheated before or not. and if he wants the details. i don’t mind being honest. but i don’t think it’s fair that i’m repeatedly getting punished for it.
i guess this time around it was a bit complicated…
my ex that i cheated on, was my current boyfriends friend. i say was because he chose me over my ex/his friend. my ex tried telling him all these bad things about me, but he said he didn’t care at the time.
but now he says he does and that he can’t trust me.
ugh….like i said. i was punished once already by the person who deserved to punish me. when will this stop?

wundayatta's avatar

What dismays me is the unforgiving and righteous nature of so many people in this culture. Relationships are hard, and people need what they need—mostly love. If they aren’t getting it in one relationship, then they might try finding another. Everyone says they would break off the first relationship before finding another one, but I don’t think that’s very realistic. Even if people were all pure and did the “right” thing, circumstances would throw a monkey wrench in the works. As it happens, people talk a good line, but they behave otherwise.

Personally, I think it is somewhat hypocritical for people to be so holier than thou when they go and do all kinds of shady things. SO much shame. So much is hidden. I know shame—oh so well.

Is there any wonder that people are pragmatic, and they lie so as to avoid shaming themselves? People who are honest are probably crazy. Well, I’m honest and I’m also crazy. Perhaps I shouldn’t be honest. But I can’t stop being crazy. I can only control it.

As long as you feel guilty about this, you and others will punish you. If you understand what you did, and why you did it, and if you share that with your boyfriend, he will either trust you or he won’t. If he doesn’t, do you want to stay with him? Perhaps it’s better to find someone who both understands and doesn’t hold it against you.

filmfann's avatar

If you want someone to trust you, a good first step is probably not writing about them on the internet.

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