General Question

WhatThaF's avatar

Is it a good idea to let my friends know that a guy friend of mine used to abuse his ex?

Asked by WhatThaF (168 points ) May 28th, 2009 from iPhone

My friend got out of a bad relationship where her bf abused her mentally and physically.. thing is, this guy is my friend too. She tells me all of the horrible things he’s done, but I haven’t seen his angry-side yet in person. I really want to warn my girly friends about him so they can be careful around him or better yet, keep their distance. Should this be my business or not? He’s already dating someone else right now and I fear for her.. Im afraid he may get violent with her.

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20 Answers

Clair's avatar

absolutely. it could get ugly and you wouldn’t want them to get hurt. if he has ‘changed his ways’ and wants to tell them himself then he can (although they usually don’t), but it is your responsibility.
personally, if i was your friend and i got with him and you didn’t tell me, i wouldn’t be able to forgive you. grow a pair and tell them asap.
(provided that you have the FACTS)

cak's avatar

So, when he was abusing her, what did you do to help? Did you ever talk to him? Did you see proof of anything? Or, is it just one-sided? You are talking one person’s word on a very serious situation and then willing to take that one side and “warn” others about your friend, yet have you even mentioned one word of this to him?

Before you start spreading the word, I would discuss some of this with him. Let him know what you heard, or just leave it alone, altogether. Probably discuss it with him, is what I would do. Understand, he could have a very different story.

This is a very serious acusation. One that damages, ruins, reputations. Think before you speak.

Lupin's avatar

Do you have any verification? You said “but I haven’t seen his angry-side yet in person.”
Your GF should be the one telling everyone. Not you. Can you talk to him and verify?

oratio's avatar

@WhatThaF Since it’s a friend of yours, maybe you could have a serious heart-to-heart talk with him? See his response and make sure he knows he’s watched but that you give him a chance to prove it wrong with this girl?

I don’t know really. If it’s true, he’ll need therapy. You can’t warn all women for the rest of his life, and if he is abusive, he’ll do it again. Therapy.

WhatThaF's avatar

see, thing is, the only hint I get outta him is the possessive-ness with his ex and current g/f ..He never let’s them drive he is always the driver. and with his current g/f, it is obvious he is superior socially when he’s hangin with everybody. She is a very quiet person. but I don’t know if she’s always been like that.

cak's avatar

“superior socially?” What??

If he is your friend, you need to talk to him.

WhatThaF's avatar

i think I know what I need to do now. Thanks for the answers ppl

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I agree with those that say to let your female friend be the one to tell her own story.

_bob's avatar

You should let your friends know. Even more so if your friends are cops.

jrpowell's avatar

One problem with the ex telling the current GF is that she might think she is jealous and trying to break them up. So she won’t believe her.

But unless you actually witnessed it I wouldn’t tell.

cyn's avatar

try to help him out
also it is necessary to tell his girlfriend
proabably warn her about him (about his angry issue)
but if you haven’t seen his angry-side yet
then don’t take things too ahead

WhatThaF's avatar

oh his ex already warned his current gf. she doesn’t believe her.. extra note: this ex of his, when they were goin out, she was warned by his OTHER ex. and she didn’t beleive her either until she got hurt.. She says now she wished she listened to the warning the first time when his ex, back then, warned her. Crazy right?? story repeating itself.. smh.

swtsally's avatar

i’m pretty sure the ex has told other people and frankly i dont think it’s your place..especially if he’s your friend too….that just looks wrong…

cyn's avatar

well then
your job was to warn her
your job is done!

Clair's avatar

well then she’s a dumbass. let her learn her own lesson but if i were you, i’d be there for her when/if anything happens.

Crusader's avatar

Yes. And question why the abuser is still a friend.

DarkScribe's avatar

Hearsay isn’t accepted as evidence in real life, it shouldn’t be accepted in personal relationships either. If you don’t actually know something, then keep quiet about it.

Val123's avatar

@cak Abusers always have their own side of the story, and it’s all about the justification. I don’t think it’s a good idea to approach him. If he’s actually dating one of your friends now, I think I’d mention that his previous girlfriend told you somethings about him that really upset you, and suggest that she go talk to the other girl….

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

Let’s make this clear abusers are the most charming people on the planet. That’s part of the game. They have the manipulation down pat. In front of other people, they act like they are so concerned and loving toward their mate. But behind closed doors it’s a different thing entirely. That’s how they get away with it. It really is one of the most deadly veneers and postures anyone can put on.

And remember, abuse isn’t just physical. Verbal abuse is just as deadly to the soul and sometimes, it can even be worse. Verbal abuse works on the psyche which takes a lot longer to forget than the physical body. Constant verbal abuse is extremely psychologically damaging.

Hearsay cannot be accepted as evidence as stated above. But I will tell you what, abused people don’t usually weave stories. If someone says something to you, and you can see the fear in their eyes, they are usually not lying. You can see it in their posture, in the way they stand and interact. If a person you knew before was outgoing and happy and then, they have become quiet and shy and unsocial after being with a suspected abuser. That’s usually a sure sign. An abuser will work on the confidence issue and also shame the person into thinking they are a bad person. That’s where the cycle starts.

I am glad that you asked what to do and I was going to tell you to do it (but apparently it has taken care of itself)....and if anyone else is reading this…do it in anyway possible. Send an anonymous note. That’s safest. (Call the police and have them talk to her (especially if he was taken in for questioning or something.) The only part is that Mr Charmer may get angry and retaliate, so usually doing it anonymously is the best way.

I wish there was a data base for abusers like there is for sexual predators because this would really help people know who to steer clear of….the problem? Mr Charming will be the first one there to put his ex-mate’s name on there and blame her totally for his heinous behavior. They never see what they do. They don’t want you. These clowns will go on forever until someone presses charges. And then they will most likely tell the tallest tale to get out.

As a woman I can say that most women won’t tell on a man…because they are financially strapped to them or because he has convinced them that no one will believe their story and/or worse, that the abuse is something they deserve. That’s why they stay. Abusers control every aspect of the person’s life——their money, who they can and cannot see——by the time they have done their work, the victim no longer feels that they have a right to anything. It is insidious and prevalent in our society.

I ask anyone reading this…that if you suspect anything….please find a way to warn a woman beforehand and/or if the person is in the midst of something, call a domestic violence agency to warn them and they can get in touch with her discreetly somehow.

It doesn’t just happen to couples either. Once, I lived in a duplex next to an elderly man. I never spoke to him as he was a bit senile and he really didn’t come out much, but I knew he was there. I also knew that he had caregivers, young men. One weekend, I decided to take a nap and heard raucous noise through the wall. And I could hear the old man saying, “No, no…” And as I pressed my ear to the wall, I heard jeering….they were jeering at him and cursing at him, taunting him and laughing and hurling abuse at him. He was clearly distressed. I was stunned and I called Protective Services for the Elderly and they came and took care of the situation. He was placed with a relative. It was just disgusting.

Don’t just sit and watch a person suffer. That’s why this continues.

TheJoker's avatar

Abso-bloody-lutely right you should. This animal should be publicly tarred & feathered let alone you having a quiet word. Right, now that’s the theatrics over with. Yes you have a duty to warn your friends about this man. You know what he’s like & capable of, therefore if you say nothing & another one of your friends takes a beating, then it’s on your hands!

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