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stardust's avatar

What would you think, having met someone you thought was nice, down to earth..but realised she had OLD self-inflicted scars on her body?

Asked by stardust (10520 points ) June 28th, 2009

Girl had a hard time in the past. Has put these things behind her & changed her life completely. These scars are old.

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27 Answers

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I would think that she had a really rough time dealing with certain things and would take notice that there were no new scars, which is all that matters. It’s behind her. We all have a hard time dealing with things, people just cope in different ways.

cyn's avatar

wow…personally I would be glad that they don’t do that anymore. That they’ve learned to move on…
:)

seekingwolf's avatar

It means she had a rough past, possibly depression or something like that.

Just make sure that she’s feeling okay now, is over the past, and has no NEW scars. That’s what matters. We all have bad things in our past…what’s important is that we get over them and learn how to deal with our feelings in a good way. :)

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

As @DrasticDreamer says, what matters is these are old scars and you know the life that bore them and have empathy. Keep in mind there are also people bearing scars inflicted by other people that are uncomfortable to explain and carry.

TheWatcher's avatar

If you fall in love the person, then it shouldn’t matter about the scars, true love is loving someone for who they are. But apart from that yes be thankfull there’s no new scars, if there is try to help the person heal.

Ansible1's avatar

What IF she did it again, are you prepared to deal with that?

SirBailey's avatar

I would say be cautious. The scars on the outside are not important. It’s the scars you don’t see, the scars on the inside that can make you very unhappy.

EmpressPixie's avatar

Like you, she’s made some mistakes that are part of her past, she’s not perfect and didn’t cope well with some hardships. But she’s still here, she doesn’t do it anymore. At most I would be sensitive of trigger images (images can be very triggering to re-igniting cutting). I’d also be a friend. Everyone has their pitfalls—how nice to meet someone who has theirs out for you to see.

rooeytoo's avatar

I am more of a realist about this sort of situation.

I would say it is a bit of a red flag.

Before I get too deeply involved I would want to know what the person has done to heal from whatever precipitated this behavior.

I would want to know that they have had counseling and that they now have the tools to deal with problems in a less self-destructive manner.

To me, old scars wouldn’t mean absolutely do not get involved, but it would mean tread carefully until you know the current climate.

Ansible1's avatar

I once entered a relationship with a girl and discovered she had a history of this sort of issue…it didn’t turn out well

Bobbilynn's avatar

Old scars on the outside have no reflection of what’s going on , in the inside! If she seemed like what you want, go for it

casheroo's avatar

I have scars on my wrists from cutting when I was a teen. I would hope people wouldn’t judge me for them, or I wouldn’t consider them a very good friend, or someone I’d even want to be friends with.
I personally have tattoos overtop of the scars, so they’re barely visibile, and were never huge or anything.
People do things, especially as teens, because some just can’t cope as well as others. Everyone’s life isn’t the same. You can’t just expect each person to have the same experiences and react the same way.
Maybe when you’re closer, ask about the scars. But don’t judge someone for something like that.

marinelife's avatar

If you met someone and on your first visit to their house, you saw liquor bottles everywhere and half-filled drinks, what would you think?

Hopefully, you would think you might need to ask some questions. The only person who can enlighten you about the scars is your friend.

You can ask what she is willing to share at this point in your relationship. Then you need to continue to get to know her.

TheWatcher's avatar

If you care for her, respect her privacy. Don’t pry unless she feels comfortable in talking. Otherwise it will hurt you more then it will hurt her.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Many of the people I know who have cut are nice and down-to-earth, and very sensitive. It takes a lot to get over it. Cutters are not suicidal. They usually don’t have other addictions.

Dog's avatar

Quoting the question:
“What would you think, having met someone you thought was nice, down to earth..but realised she had OLD self-inflicted scars on her body?”

You state that you thought she is nice and down to earth then put in “but.”

We all go through life and experience emotional pain.

For most of us the scars are not visible but many of us also coped in a self destructive manner. Drinking, drugs, driving recklessly, partying, fighting, promiscuity- all are self destructive but most do not show years later when we have become wiser.

She chose to handle her stress by cutting before learning healthier coping mechanisms.

Does the fact that she coped poorly a long time ago make her less of a down to earth nice person now?

Do not judge her.

Ansible1's avatar

her actions show tendencies…you know what she is capable of

TheWatcher's avatar

Exactly….but I repeat. Think about it first before you move ahead. Learn about yourself first. Can some of your habits or actions be an impact on her?

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

How old? These behaviors tend to repeat themselves under duress.
If she’s still a girl, it’s not that far in the past.

TheWatcher's avatar

Aye good point. Go easy my friend.

wundayatta's avatar

I believe that everyone has a history. It’s not always obvious, but it’s always there. You treat her the same as you treat anyone. You get to know her, and then you get to know her better. Love is not a stupid thing. It is based on attraction to a real person, not to the person of your imagination. If you have to ask a question like this, you don’t know her well enough. For anything. Give her as much of a chance as you would give anyone.

TheWatcher's avatar

Exactly. Remember true love is loving someone no matter what. It’s not appearance. It’s for what’s inside them and how you feel about it.

TheWatcher's avatar

Dude is that a picture of your ass with paint stains?!

SuperMouse's avatar

I think that if they are truly old scars and there are no new ones, that she is a very strong woman who has dealt with and overcome a very difficult issue.

I think @Marina is right, a dialog needs to be had, but as @TheWatcher said you should be careful not to pry. As you get to know her better she will probably be more willing to open up to you. Also as you get know her better you will get a better of idea of whether she is apt to go back to these behaviors or if she truly has conqured her demons.

I agree with those who pointed out that everyone has emotional baggage, some us just do a better job of hiding it.

TheWatcher's avatar

True. The human mind and emotion is like a rubix cube. It’s very complicated. You can only maybe solve like 2 sides at a time, but you need to work on not just specific sides, but the cube it self. Same goes with a relationship. Not just some aspects. See it from all ends.

Leanne1986's avatar

It’s just something you have to accept and if you really like her and want her to be a part of your life for the long term be prepared that it may rear it’s head again and she may need your support. Neither you nor her can change her past and how she dealt with it but it sounds like she has come through that period of her life for the most part and wanted to help herself. This alone is positive. It’s the ones that don’t want to help themselves or are in denial about certain things that are more likely to cause you grief. This girl sounds like a strong charactor.

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