Have you known an alcoholic?

Knowing what I know, I would never date an alcoholic. If someone was recovering, they would have to several years of sobriety before I would consider it. Then I would probably take a long time of getting to know them in all circumstances before committing to them.

I have a family member who is an alcoholic. They have been through both inpatient and outpatient programs. Nothing really sticks. The lying is horrible. This family member stole from others in the family to be able to drink. Alcoholism is progressive, and it gets worse and worse as time goes by.

I have two friends who are alcoholics. Both started drinking as teenagers. One got it under control in her early 20’s and has been dry for almost 20 years. The other didn’t go into rehab until she was in her very late 30’s after having a car accident, losing her marriage, and eventually lost custody of her kids. Both of them had to try a few times before they were able to stay sober long term. They stopped, and then relapsed, and then stopped again. The one who recovered in her early 20’s had put herself into rehab the first time right out of high school, and was very aware that what she was doing was out of control. Her father had been an alcoholic and she had sworn she would not let it happen to her. My other friend had a much harder time giving it up after years of using it as her crutch.

Inpatient vs. outpatient really depends on the person I think. If problems in the home are very destructive and negative towards recovery, then inpatient makes sense, a total change of environment. If they are determined, and can handle the physical withdrawal, I see outpatient as a great option.

You might want to go to a meeting for family members of alcoholics, to understand and get advice on what to do. Personally, I think if you don’t live with him I would have zero tolerance. My rule would be when you are with me you must be 100% sober, AND you have to not drink also to be supportive. You cannot expect your boyfriend to not drink while you are. But, you have to be ready for the fact that he might not be able to pull it together right now. It is like an ultimatum.

As you may recall from one of your previous questions, I was married to an alcoholic. He started drinking at around 12 or so (looooong before I knew him) and he died of liver failure at age 39. He never stopped drinking, even when I told him he had to stop or move out, even when the courts told him he had to go to rehab in order to have visitation with our son (whom he adored).

Support him when he is sober, but acknowledge the difficulty he faces in trying to get clean. It will be a long road, and he mustn’t be hard on himself if he has a relapse, or else he’ll eventually give up trying. As long as he is putting in the effort, be there as a true friend. If he shows that he doesn’t really care about himself, and starts falling into co-dependant habits, you need to detach. I highly recommend Al-Anon meetings.

I’ve known several.

My maternal grandparents – both of them. They started drinking when my mother was a child and continued drinking for the majority of their adult lives. My grandfather stopped drinking, by the time he was 65. Yes…65. He spent most of his life drunk. My grandmother, if she could have had an alcoholic IV hooked up, while she was in the hospital dying (from complications, due to drinking), she would have…she would have gladly gone out drunk. My grandfather came to terms with the things he had done to his children, while drunk. My grandmother, never. She was abusive, she was cruel and didn’t care. She would do anything to get the alcohol, even stealing from one of her children.

What were they to me? My grandfather apologized to the entire family for things he did. He showed remorse and in the end, he really tried. I miss him. My grandmother. Well, you can’t control who you happen to be related to, when she decided to call me a bitch for taking my mother’s side in something and told me she wished I had died in a car accident – yes, she was drunk, I divorced her from my life. I never looked back. She didn’t love anyone, even herself.

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In college, I met a great person. We became friends and we started to go out to different parties and different events. I thought she was cool, had it together and was interesting. Then I started noticing her sneaking off to drink. In fact, she drank anything she could get her hands on, including a cold medicine I was given for a severe cold. She was killed walking home from a party, drunk. The driver said she just ran out in traffic – she never even looked. From all accounts, she was completely drunk when she left the party. I was invited to go with her, that night, but I was tired of seeing her drunk. I have often wondered if I could have changed the outcome of that night, had I just gone with her.

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After my divorce, I started dating a guy that I thought was a great guy. Nope. He was an alcoholic, functioning, but an alcoholic. When I broke it off, he was no longer functioning and I discovered that he was heading to rehab, for the third time. He had lied to me about ever being in rehab, he lied about everything. There was no way I could trust him. I was very thankful that I never introduced him to my daughter.

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Would I stay with the person, no. Would I date a person in rehab? No. Would I expect changes? No. Would I ever date an alcoholic, again? (if I was single?) No. I don’t have the patience to deal with it, maybe that is a flaw, on my part; however, it’s the truth. I don’t want to second guess things, I don’t want the late night phone calls to pick up the person – because they are soused.

The person in rehab needs to focus on recovery. Needs to focus on facing what is going on in their life, not on a dating relationship. They need to learn how to function, on their own, not dependent on someone. You can be supportive, without being in a relationship. You can also distance yourself, establish rules and let him know that you are there, but for now, communications need to slow down and that you will not communicate with him, at all, when he is drunk. He needs to get on his feet.

My Dad was one. He died of alcohol complications at age 53, when I was 21. My second oldest brother is one, I have nothing to do with him, just being around him when he is drunk makes me ill, and it’s been years since I’ve seen him sober. I am an alcoholic, genetically speaking. I don’t drink anymore, except on very rare occasions, maybe once or twice a year, and never too excess. I can’t drink hard liquor, and will only drink a certain brand of microbrew. Why should I buy my headaches in a bottle?

My quitting came easy; I was given a choice by my spouse about fifteen years ago. Her or the booze. It was my call and the ball was in my court. I made the right choice and have never looked back with any regrets. Who needs alcohol when you have the love of your life by your side?

I’ve dealt with alcoholics in my life, not only in my family, but also employers, friends, acquaintances, etc. One guy I knew died of liver complications at age 39 due to excessive drinking. He was an idiot. The world is full of drunken idiots.

If you can drink and handle it, fine. If not, please stay the fuck away from me, as nothing pisses me off more than watching someone waste their life and hurt their family because they can’t put the bottle down.

@cak you can’t blame yourself for that friend, it’s not like you pushed her out in front of that car, and whoo knows if you would have even been anywhere around when it happened? Give yourself a break. =)

@evelyns_pet_zebra thank you for saying that – it’s one of those emotions versus logic moments…sometimes, they just don’t see eye-to-eye.

I dated an alcoholic for a couple of years. He started drinking in high school and was in his 30s by the time we met. I tried to be supportive of him, but he wasn’t ready or able to change. His behavior when drunk was very damaging to my self-esteem. The only way to keep myself from going down with him was to get out – and it was hard.

Both my grandfathers, and both my wifes parents. They all stopped when it killed them.
I have a co-worker who was, and she went to AA everyday and beat it. She was more fun when she was drinking, but she is much nicer now.

I’m pretty sure some of the people I graduated high school with are alcoholics. But as far as family or friends, no.

edited to say: I forgot about my grandparents. I never knew them, but I think I recall my parents saying something about them being alcoholics.

Quite a few unfortunately.

My Cousin: After alienating half the family over the course of ten years, drove his car off a bridge. He was in a coma for a year. When he awoke, and after a lot of rehab, he basically became a completely different person. Where he was once aloof, argumentative and secretive, he is now very friendly and open. He also has no memory of what happened prior to the accident. He had to learn everything all over again (including the alphabet and other grade-school basics). Still in AA ten years after the accident.

His Older Sister (my other cousin): So drunk one night, she flew into a rage and bludgeoned her fiance with a tire-iron. He was in the hospital for weeks. Needless to say the wedding was off. She straightened herself up good though. She is a wonderful person now. Still attends AA I believe.

Her Youngest Brother (my other cousin): Just this year revealed himself to be a closet alcoholic. Was always considered an active social drinker but it never went beyond that or so it seemed. He finally tired of the charade it seems and decided he wants to drink full time. After a couple half-hearted attempts at rehab, he decided to leave his wife and three kids to pursue drinking.

My Uncle: Was a heroine addict coming home from the Korean War. After years of struggling with that he switched to alcohol. He was in and out of rehab for over twenty years. Couldn’t hold a job, drove the family insane. My father would take me to the bar to see him every week or two. He’d bring a few nips to coax him off his stool. Then we’d drive him to his apartment, feed his cat and listen to him talk ragtime while he played (rather good) jazz on his piano. I was around ten-years-old. Finally died of liver failure in the mid 80s.

His Sister (my aunt, mother to the first three cousins): What you would call a tea-totaler. Always drinking. Never seemed to affect her ability to function. She eventually cleaned up on her own. A lovely woman.

Also on this side of the family (my father’s) we have/had folks with gambling addiction, drug addiction, and sex addiction. Reunions were a blast. ~

Not only would I not date an alcoholic, I try to avoid them in general. I’ve seen waaay to much of it up close. That being said, I did offer to help my cousin recently (visited him in rehab) but after a few weeks he stopped returning calls and texts. Now I hear he might move to Florida.

Whether to leave them or support him is a decision no one can make for you. Do whatever feels right to you and whatever your decision is please make sure that he knows why you made the decision you did.

My ex husband was the worst alcoholic I’ve ever met (he’s not the only alcoholic that was close to me). He would drink three cases of beer everyday at the least and stopped eating so he could get drunk faster…I ended up leaving him because he started vomiting blood everyday and passed out on the floor (I had to clean him and the bloody vomit everyday when I got home from work) and he still refused to stop drinking. The last thing I heard about him was that he was doing a lot better and had stopped drinking because it ruined our marriage.

My dad is the second worst alcoholic, no where near as bad as my ex husband though lol. My dad used to come home everyday and take 7 shots of whiskey the second he came in the front door from work, drink 3 beers while waiting for dinner to be ready then would turn to a glass of wine before going to bed…he’s slowed down on the drinking. Last time I was at his house I didn’t see a drop of alcohol anywhere.

According to a lot of statistics I’m considered an alcoholic because I consume more that five alcoholic beverages a week (I drink two glasses of wine before dinner) and sometimes I drink more if I don’t have to get up early or do anything important the next day but I wouldn’t really consider myself an alcoholic. It doesn’t affect my job or personal relations or any other aspect of my life. If for some reason I’m not able to drink a glass of wine it doesn’t bother me.

I come from a long line of people who like to drink so I feel as though I’m aware of the differences between someone who enjoys to drink as opposed to someone who HAS to get drunk…

I have known lots of alcoholics. Some were/are relatives, some co-workers, and some friends. Several are dead, either directly from the effects of alcohol such as liver disease, from actions they took while drunk (falling down stairs, crossing a dark street without looking, playing Russian Roulette, and so on), from despair resulting in suicide, or from living on the street after losing everything. Others are still functioning but for how long I don’t know.

My husband began drinking when he was 10, and drank steadily and copiously until he was 35. At that point he married for the first time and his wife asked him to stop. He did, and replaced his alcohol addiction with taking care of her. I met him after she died and he has remained off alcohol in large part because he knows I want him to stay off it. He is an unusual person in that he also quit smoking cold turkey when he saw me having an asthma attack as a result of exposure to cigarette smoke. For him, duty overrides addiction. Most people cannot do that.

Rehab, counseling, pills, AA, etc. will never work unless the alcoholic decides that it is time to stop drinking. You can’t make an alcoholic stop drinking. Only an alcoholic can stop himself from drinking.

What you can do is refuse to be with them if they are drinking or drunk, and find out about local programs to help people stop drinking so that if he ever asks for help you can direct him.

No matter how much you care about someone, if you are dating him and discover he is an alcoholic, you need to break up with him. You can do it gently if you want, but you need to make it clear that it is because of the alcohol. As long as he stays in rehab, or stays in AA, or stays off the wagon you can offer to be in contact with him, to offer him support much as a sponsor would, but you should not date him unless he manages several years of sobriety on his own.

I almost married one.

She was the love of my life. I adored her and it hurt me so much that she always promised to stop, but found every little chance to do it. She’d make rules like “I’ll only drink when we go out” and then ask to go out everynight, or “only one glass with fish” and then cook fish for a week. And of course she’d drink in secret, which was more or less when I gave up (after finding a stash of empty bottles).

The problem with alcoholism is not the quantity consumed. It’s how addicted you are to it. Someone could be dry for a year and still be an alcoholic, because they’re thinking about it all the time. I used to drink a lot for a while because of my job, but then one day I decided to stop and never drank again for 12 years. And what’s more, I never missed it. It’s all in the brain.

My step dad is an alcoholic. My uncle was one but took his own life after years and years of drinking and taking perscription pills. And one of my ex boyfriend’s was one. I deal with my step dad because I HAVE to. He will always be part of my life in some way so I put up with the grief that comes along with him being an alcoholic. My ex boyfriend is my ex because of his alcohol and drug use. I couldn’t be his mom anymore. As much as I felt like I could make him change his ways and I tried to be there for him I had to walk away. I was always the one who ended up getting hurt. Maybe I wasn’t a strong enough person or I was too selfish to stick around while he threw his life away but I must say I’m much happier without him. And now that I know how much work it is to deal with someone who abuses alcohol I would never put myself through that again.

@ItalianPrincess
You can’t logically blame yourself for what is, in essence, his problem. There is a healthy type of selfishness which we all must exercise in the face of circumstances which would overwhelm us.
@missjena
I grew up with alcoholic parents, one of them functional the other one non-functional and left home as soon as I could feasibly manage it when I was 15. I knew that there were alternatives to this chaos and I had absolutely no desire to follow in their footsteps.

For you, the alternative to leaving is to risk becoming enmeshed in a co-dependent relationship which enables both of you to continue in a very unhealthy symbiosis. That is basically what Al-anon groups exist for. To enable those dealing with alcoholics to prevent being collateral damage themselves.

I have, of course, encountered other alcoholics/addicts throughout the course of my life and I can say that the biggest life lesson I have learned for myself regarding being involved with alcoholics/addicts can be summed up very succinctly——DON’T (continue to stay involved with them.) They are not goiing to stop just for you. That’s an illusion.

If you want to be supportive of them if they decide to participate in rehab or recovery, it must be with very, very clear cut boundaries which you must enforce. This is a part of their recovery process which takes the longest to grasp-appropriate boundaries and why they are necessary so it needs to be set for them by someone else.

Proceed at your own risk, but whatever else you do or don’t decide to do, find the nearest Al-Anon group and go listen at the meetings on a regular basis. You will learn so much and will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life. Just to be clear, Al-Anon groups are for friends and family of alcoholics/addicts and you don’t have to participate or speak unless you want to. If you are only comfortable with sitting and listening, that’s fine.

Yes, my Dad. It was a human tragedy. But he overcame his addiction 15 years before he died at the risk of losing everything. His last 15 years were the best of his life, and I admire his courage to shake the demon. If he could, anybody can….I pray.