General Question

aprilsimnel's avatar

What do you say when someone turns you down for a date?

Asked by aprilsimnel (30622 points ) August 16th, 2009

Inspired by some of the responses to this question.

I was brought up to believe by various adults that decent women did not ask men on dates under any circumstances, lest she be perceived as desperate, sexually loose and unfit for marriage. Obviously, the days of believing such tripe about a woman are long past for many people in Western society. I don’t know about other cultures in this regard.

I have only asked out a man for coffee once, early on during college. He turned me down as he had just admitted to himself that he was gay. He took off too quickly for me to say anything in response. Alas.

At some point, I suppose I’ll probably have to risk asking a man or twenty out, but I have been hesitant mainly because I don’t want to make a fool of myself in showing my disappointment when I’m rejected. Not that I’m not a fantastic woman, but I’m sure I’m not every man’s cuppa and will be turned down a few times. It’s only been recently that I’ve done any mental and emotional work in believing that there is no man I’m interested in who is “above my station” or “out of my league”, so my education continues.

No one has ever told me what you’re supposed to say when a man I’d like to get to know says, “No thanks.” How do you excuse yourself? Do you excuse yourself? What next? How do you let the man know, “Aw, shucks. :( Hey, no hard feelings, though.”

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38 Answers

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Not much. I draw the conversation to and end quickly before leaving.

PerryDolia's avatar

I’d say, “OK, just thought I’d ask. See ya.”

Fai's avatar

I know how you feel. Once a guy found out I like him and we didn’t talk for 3 years. Since then onwards I always been very hesistant when asking a guy or being around guys. I’m afraid to make a fool out of myself. Okay, I know this does not really answer your question but Im just glad there is someone who feel what I feel. See how a guy can really ruin your confidence :/

Quagmire's avatar

Usually the guy will give a reason he can’t go to coffee with you sometime (albeit a lie). You say “Oh, OK”. And leave.

Don’t tell him “Let’s go to coffee because I want to get to know you better and then get into your pants”. Just say “Do you want to finish this conversation over coffee tomorrow”?

AstroChuck's avatar

i cry hysterically and run from the room. I don’t handle rejection well.

aprilsimnel's avatar

@AstroChuck – Well, you’re only 6! That kind of emotional maturity is a lot to expect from a little one. Don’t worry, it’ll be OK!

Quagmire's avatar

Sometimes I say “What? YOU are turning ME down?? Why? Not good enough for me??”

Works all the time.

sakura's avatar

No worries! Have fun :)

teh_kvlt_liberal's avatar

“Fine, I have better things to do!”
(sits in the house playing xbox all day)

Grisaille's avatar

“Yeah, well, I had to wash my hair tonight, anyway.”

<~~has crew cut

phoenyx's avatar

My response was usually something like: “Oh, okay, um…” awkward silence “thanks” then walk away or hang up the phone. Then I’d always wonder to myself why I thanked someone for rejecting me.

As an aside, I’ve only been asked out twice; one of those times was my first date with my wife. (It helped that I was trying to get up the courage to ask her).

jjosephs's avatar

The best approach for guys

“Pleasure meeting you”

might work when a woman uses it.

jlm11f's avatar

I haven’t asked anyone out yet. But I think I would go with simplicity and honesty. Just a “Okay, no hard feelings. Take care!” would suffice. The last guy who asked me out first asked me if I have a boyfriend. I told him I do and he replied with “Oh good. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t lonely or anything.” That made me smile and I thanked him for his concern.

Tink's avatar

“Its alright”
When on the inside you want to tear the person to shreds. Oh and you leave crying to your dog or cat.

MagsRags's avatar

“Oh, OK, maybe some other time”
It maintains the illusion that your invitation is totally casual. And it leaves him the option of saying something encouraging if he really would like for there to be another time.

Zen's avatar

I like @MagsRags answer the best so far.

alive's avatar

“FINE! Fuck you! You’re a slut anyway!!!”

actually, i always go with “oh ok, that’s cool”

maybe the occasional “well, can’t blame a girl for askin’”

assumingly they will be flattered and polite for the invite.

if it makes you feel any better, most guys won’t say no. (unless they have a girlfriend/ love interest, and some STILL won’t say no…)

if one says no, there are still a million other ones out there! good luck!

lillylithium's avatar

These answers are all great, but since you said you wanted to communicate that you are disappointed, without seeming too upset, I would go with something more honest, such as, “Well, that’s too bad. Nice meeting you.”

Jeruba's avatar

Agreeing with MagsRags: “Okay. Maybe some other time.” Even if you have no intention of ever asking again.

And when you do see him again, smile and say hi in a light, friendly, but nonaggressive way and move on, so he’ll know there’s no hard feelings and he doesn’t have to start avoiding you.

nebule's avatar

I inspired another question! made my day! yay..go me!

If we’re talking about the kind of random asking someone out that I was talking about earlier.. I think I would say… “Fancy going for a drink sometime”... and I presume they would say.. “Um… no I’ve got a girlfriend”..or “I’m married”... or “I’m not looking for a relationship” bla bla bla…

and I would say something just as plainly boring as “Ok..just thought I’d ask as you seem simply gorgeous!”

that’s the best I can do

It’s awful isn’t it…but drama of me running into the wine and whiskey aisle and breaking open the nearest bottle of single malt ..might be enough to attract some other form of attention! :p

eponymoushipster's avatar

I put on a fake mustache, do a little song, and try again. If that doesn’t work, well, they’re probably mentally ill, and i’m better off without.

Grisaille's avatar

There must be a helluva lot of mentally ill people in the world, then.

answerjill's avatar

Once, when I asked a guy out, he said that while he enjoys spending time with me, he would prefer continuing to hang out with me with a group pf people. I still feel kinda bad about that one. Oh, well.

Malcrony's avatar

I wouldn’t really say I had that problem because I’m a guy (the one that has to ask out)

So when I’d get turned down I’d usually make it into a joke
Example:
“No? is it bad timing? Should I come again? No… It’s a sunny day… perfect timing… I’ll try again next week? where should we meet so I can try again?”
“Um… I’m sorry I’m just not interested”
“alright… I’ll meet you there next week.”

…And I’d walk away.

jeanmay's avatar

You act confused, frown and say:

“I’m sorry I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants.”

Then walk away.

tramnineteen's avatar

Ok, well thanks anyway.

Fernspider's avatar

I’ve never really asked anyone out specifically… when I like someone I subtlety flirt and if the flirting is reciprocated, my flirting becomes more obvious. Like a silent indication that I would like to be asked out. Works well and if the other person never makes a move, I am spared the outright rejection.

jjosephs's avatar

@aprilsimnel don’t take @Malcrony‘s advice! It’s come off as desperate and needy, there’s no bigger turnoff than these two.

nebule's avatar

well..I said…‘ok..no worries…’ it was all good!

Malcrony's avatar

@jjosephs Considering the situation is she’s already been turned down by him… Usually it just ends up with a few seconds of awkward silence and she/him “has to go” and that’s it. If they ever see eachother again it’ll just end up awkward. Now… If she’s been turned down and she makes it off as a joke she can stay and talk to him more, or just walk away without having to get the “are you okay?/ Will you be alright?”

As I wrote before… I leave it as a Joke, This way if I meet the person somewhere again… I don’t have to look away or have her look away. It doesn’t come out as needy or desperate either. because it’s after you asked the other person out.

alive's avatar

sorry, malcrony, but jjosephs is right. if i said no thanks to someone and they said that to me, it would just make me feel uncomfortable.

it sounds like “oh ok, i’ll just keep bugging you until you say yes.”

azusenal's avatar

If I asked a man on a date and he said no, I would just say ok, that’s fine. I’m sure it would sting for a bit, but you have to give yourself kudos for going for it. If you don’t try, then you will never get anywhere.

Response moderated
Cheeseball451's avatar

If it was a girl i would say “What ever you stuck up bitch.” jk i would say ” oh i see, whatever see ya.”

Just_Justine's avatar

I really loved this question. It made me think. I think it is great you ask guys outright. For me I kind of hint, or flirt my way to a date. I am too much of a scaredy cat to ask out right.

jkl's avatar

I would say to a guy: “Thats good with me (big smile) see ya”

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