General Question

SierraGirl's avatar

Does long distance dating work?

Asked by SierraGirl (199 points ) August 20th, 2009 from iPhone

I am on one of the dating sites and am getting alot of attention from guys who live many states away. I have only previously dated guys who live close. Does long distance dating work? How do you get to know each other well enough?

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24 Answers

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

More times than not “out of sight, out of mind” wins out over “absence makes the heart grow fonder”.

SeventhSense's avatar

Naah. I date frequently and the ones you can actually touch seem more gratifying for some reason.

dpworkin's avatar

My fiance and I have been together for 7 years, but we started long distance. Sometimes slow can be good.

eponymoushipster's avatar

it requires a lot of work from both parties, and a lot of honesty.

SeventhSense's avatar

@eponymoushipster
and really long arms

eponymoushipster's avatar

@SeventhSense well, obviously. heh

Sarcasm's avatar

edit: Wrong thread.

eponymoushipster's avatar

@Sarcasm not sure how that applies, but maybe it sort of does…

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

My quip is no longer relevant

PerryDolia's avatar

Sierra Girl, Long distance dating is very difficult. You have to put time, effort and $ into getting together. You are apart a lot. It is hard to develop true feelings and trust for someone when you meet infrequently and for short periods of time.

and a lot of those guys are interested in just one thing. Be careful

Keep looking closer to home.

cwilbur's avatar

If you don’t have a concrete plan for how you’re going to get together, it’s not long-distance dating, it’s just mutually enabled fantasizing.

kheredia's avatar

I would think it is difficult but not impossible. Still, I think starting to get to know someone requires spending time together and so the long distance thing would make it harder. Plus, like @PerryDolia said, it will require both of you to put time, effort, and money in order to be able to spend some time together. If you find someone you really click with I would say, give it a try. If it doesn’t work then move on, but at least you won’t have your doubts about “what if…”

Corey_D's avatar

I second what @eponymoushipster said. Also I would say that, while it can be difficult, it is definitely worth it for the right person. I would have higher standards for someone you date long distance than I would for someone close though. It’s not something you want to go through for just anyone. But if you find someone really wonderful then go for it.
I have been dating someone long distance for almost a year and I love her to death, I got really lucky.

Facade's avatar

If it’s just dating casually, don’t waste your time. If you want to build a relationship, go for it. Just make sure you’re prepared.

hug_of_war's avatar

Long distance sucks. Not that it can’t work, but casually dating long distance is a recipe for a big pot of fail. Now if you build a genuine connection then it can be a wonderful thing, and it can work, and it can be beautiful, but only if you are prepared for the commitment. So if you’re just dating around, I’d stick to the locals.

Jack79's avatar

It doesn’t work for me. There are so many problems to overcome, that it’s not worth it, unless one of you can eventually relocate. It has been the main reason I broke up with some of my girlfriends, including the last one (in our case we lived close and then I had to move and she couldn’t follow). So don’t bother with the faraway guys, I’m sure there’s at least one decent chap in your own state.

dee1313's avatar

Its hard. I started dating my now-husband in high school, and then he joined the Marine Corps. We were apart for a year, and during that time had only seen each other for two weeks after boot camp and then the week at the end of that year when he came home and we got married.

That year we were apart was our third year together, so we’d already spent two years together.

Its really hard. We actually ended up not thinking about each other during that last month of boot camp (its three months long) because it was just too hard. That doesn’t really apply to you though (all we had during boot camp is letters… no phone calls, nothing but letters).

I think being able to touch the other person is very important. Especially for women, who tend to be more touchy-feely. I don’t like hugging anyone other than my husband, and when I needed support, all I had were his words (assuming he wasn’t at work or sleeping, which was often). Words are nice, but I need the physical support too.

It might be easier if you start the relationship already used to not seeing each other every day though. People often find it easier to open up on the internet. Its also easier to lie over the internet, especially if you don’t know the other person. It may be difficult to develop trust with that person, which means jealousy can easily enter the picture. I imagine if you meet through a dating site, you both are looking for a lasting relationship (especially if you both go into knowing you wont get to see each other much), so it may not end up being a problem.

When you both start to love each other, you’ll probably want to see each other a lot, eventually leading to marriage / moving to each other. You’ll have to consider that you may end up leaving where you are now. Do you have a great job you don’t want to leave (especially in this economy)? Would you be able to leave friends? My friend married someone she met online (I think it was through WoW), and right now the big deal is where they’ll live after college. She wants to close to her family, and so does he, but the families live in different states. If you go into something not prepared, and these things become problems, you or the other person may end up getting hurt.

You’ll also have to consider what you’ll be able to do. You wont be able to go see a movie or go shopping together or anything all the time. My husband and I played WoW together, and would have played games through Xbox Live if I had an internet connection to it. Things like that let you spend time with the other person without feeling like you have to find something to talk about.

I’m not saying it can’t work. It can. Its hard though. I know I’m a little different in real life than online, so I imagine some other people can be that way too. It takes a lot of work, and like @eponymoushipster said, a lot of honesty. A relationship can’t work without trust. And one or both of you will have to move if it does end up working.

filmfann's avatar

Long distance dating? Short distance dating didn’t work for me! The less my wife saw of me the better.

CMaz's avatar

The further the distance, the more it will cost.
Anything is possible.

Can you afford it? Monetarily and physically.

dee1313's avatar

@SierraGirl By the way, welcome to Fluther!

SierraGirl's avatar

Thanks everyone!

shortysith's avatar

It’s hard. I dated a guy for three years, one of which he went to school in another state. We only saw eachother three times that year. One was a day, one time for a week, the other for three days. When we were finally together again, things had changed. When you aren’t near someone, it can be hard to keep the level of intimacy between you two because your lives are quite different. It can work too though; my sis has dated a guy for two years long distance and they do quite well with it. Naturally, the have bumps in the road, but what relationship doesn’t? It’s all about what you are willing to do and what you think you can handle. If you are the type who needs a lot of attention or physical contact, maybe you should reconsider.

nebule's avatar

I’ve never had a long distance relationship but I would keep open-minded. If it ends up being real love I don’t think any amount of distance can get in the way..and up to that point, well I think you just need to have time and patience, trust and honesty

Jude's avatar

Unless you can truly see yourself or the other person relocating, don’t bother. Lots of work to just pick up and move somewhere. In the meantime, you have this ‘relationship’ from afar. It’s really difficult. Been there, don’t that. Nope, wouldn’t do it again.

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