How do you become more extroverted when it seems too late?

I certainly can relate. Though the way I remedied my problem’s probably a bit too far out there for others to really replicate and get favorable results. :( Though despite all the situational stuff; the trick is really just to get out there and do it. You’ll feel awkward as all hell for awhile but it will get better.

@Syger
Problem is I almost see myself as xenophobic by now. I have been getting better with practice, and I know that advice rings true.

I’m kind of looking for out there ideas, though. No harm in posting it if it’s appropriate.

I relate. I am very introverted and I’m 38 years old. is that too late to change? Just be yourself. That’s all that anyone asks for.

I’m actually a lot better in terms of extroversion on the internet (nerd). Partly because I really, really care what I say, but usually still make mistakes and am glad to be able to delete/edit them.

I think some people are more naturally inclined to be introverted or extroverted. I believe people can change in small ways, but not extremely. I began as an extremely shy child, then as I aged I also became a lot more introverted. If I try to go to large parties frequently, I become physically tired and find myself wanting to leave. It’s not that socializing is a problem – it’s that socializing on that kind of scale just seems pointless to me. I like socializing in small groups, with close friends.

Every once in a while I’ll hang out with people in larger groups, which I definitely had to work my way up to. It was so hard, but I just made myself do it. In the beginning people never failed to point out how quiet I was, which just made me want to give up. I got through it by convincing myself that those who took the time to get to know me, to try to talk to me and open me up somewhat, were the ones who were worth it.

I’m not as shy anymore (but it’s still there), now I’m just really introverted. Regardless of how much I tried, I could not change my extroversion past a certain point. My advice is don’t push yourself past a level that you’re uncomfortable with. Be yourself and true friends will find you.

@DrasticDreamer
same here… I hate parties (when I am forced to go to one I usually spend my time sitting awkwardly in a corner or outside and almost enjoying being awkward), but I love conversation with small groups of people I am somewhat acquainted with.

I’ve been very lucky, too. Never had that much trouble being myself, and friends have found me.

The problem I have is making my own friends. I have almost no ability to initiate conversation (let alone friendship), even with people I am fairly acquainted with, no matter how much I “want” to.

Also, the problem with letting your friends choose you is that sometimes the people who choose you are idiots… Not saying my friends are, but it’s a common problem.

@Hobosnake Ah, yeah. I have the same problem with a lot of people that would choose to befriend me. That’s why, before I even think about attempting friendship with someone, I observe them. I get to know the kind of things they talk about, the people they hang out with, and how morally compatible we might be. That’s why, more than half the time, I choose not to bother. Heh. Introversion at its best. :D

You can’t become extroverted if you’re naturally introverted, but you can learn to behave more outgoingly and fool a lot of people.

I figured out a couple of tricks for this along the way, sometime back in my twenties, and forty years later they are still working for me.

1. One was to stop thinking about myself and make myself responsible for other people in social situations. I assigned myself the task of introducing people to each other. This involved knowing enough to be able to say, “Sally, this is Jim. Jim is an expert in tropical fish. Jim, Sally has just bought her first tank.” Keeping just that much distance, so that it wasn’t about me, made the interactions much easier, especially at first.

2. Another was to remember this at all times: everybody I meet knows something I don’t know. Everybody, even the most boring drone, without exception. Everybody. It doesn’t matter if it’s life experience or career knowhow or academic head stuffing. I can make it my job to find out what it is. This makes meeting people quite fascinating and helps a lot with task number 1.

I am not shy, but I am naturally reserved and introverted, and I hate social situations involving more than two people. Yet I have made myself at home in a crowd of a dozen and (yes) a thousand with these little tricks. Be the faciitator and the researcher and the host (virtually, if not actually), and it all goes a whole lot easier.

I also made a policy decision back around the same time, namely, that I was tired of having only the friends who chose and pursued me. I learned to seek the friendship of others who interested me instead of waiting passively like a potted plant for someone to come to me. It is not so hard once you train yourself to be the initiator now and then.

@DrasticDreamer

Yea, I do that too. I just have sometimes come to realize a truth that simply will not be ground into the human mind: first impressions really aren’t always correct! My judgments tend to be a bit too cynical and far too inaccurate, however inescapable they may be. But, at the same time, they have also spared me from a lot of trouble when correct.

@Jeruba
Great answer! Just what I was looking for with this question.

First, why would you want to be. A lot of extroverts, I have met, are often very shallow and insecure despite their great pretense. Be yourself, first and foremost, and learn to be comfortable and like yourself, yes there are many reasons why you should. You have a lot more going for yourself then you probably realize. And always look at your perceived past failures, as experiences with valuable information. Only you can remove yourself from the cycle of self sabotage to a cycle of success. I think once you find your natural charisma you won’t want extroversion.

Thanks, @Hobosnake, and welcome to fluther, too. Maybe presently I will tell you my trick for getting people to talk to me about things they don’t usually say to a layman in their fields.

You can be yourself and still learn how to talk to people. Being yourself does not require that you be unapproachable and reclusive. For some of us social interaction comes naturally, but for others it’s a learned art. Nobody is born knowing how to conn a ship, write cursive, style hair, titrate a solution, bake a muffin, or calculate a perimeter, but that doesn’t mean we can never do it because it just isn’t who we are.

Everything can be learnt, everyone can make changes.

Some of the people I perform with (and many in history in music and on stage) have been extremely shy, almost painfully introverted.

Some extroverts are closet shy people and hide it well.

Etcetera.

A little coaching, maybe not therapy, but coaching could do the trick.

Or acting classes.

Bon chance and welcome to flutherville.

(By the way, I mean me – the real me – I sing a little – not referring to my avatar).

@Garebo
truth be told, I just quit being addicted to video games and part of the reason I need to become extroverted is I now have nothing to do with all my free time XD.

Thanks for the welcomes, everybody.

You really should alert my son because I don’t think he has his Xbox, thanks for the great question.

It’s kind of funny… I feel like I know you guys already. That’s part of why I love conversation…

the ice of acquaintance is thin as heck… but it’s there. For some reason I’m no good at just getting down to breaking it.

I don’t think you can change that aspect of your personality. Sometimes being an extrovert is a good thing…I can’t keep my friggin’ mouth shut half the time and usually end up putting my foot in it.

@knitfroggy I hear ya. My foot has a permanent place in the back of my throat.

I think @Jeruba and @DrasticDreamer have the right of it.

I’d also like to add that although there’s nothing wrong with being an introvert, many extroverts will try and tell you there is. (It’s a lot healthier to sit at home reading or playing video games than it is to go out and party and get drunk and do drugs. But there! I’ve over-generalized extroverts, in much the same way extroverts do to introverts. :D )

I find, as an introverted person myself, that one way of learning how to talk to people is to not make small talk. Ask something you’re really curious about. People love to talk about themselves (no exceptions!) so asking that’s in their area of expertise or something they’ve experienced will get them going in no time. And you’ll learn something in the process!

Also, isolate one person to talk to—talking to a group can be difficult, especially if they’re quite insular, which often happens with a group that’s been together for a while. I’m not talking about kidnapping them or anything, just find someone who’s somewhat alone and talk to them.

This thread has some great conversation starters.

It’s a good idea to learn how to talk to new people, even if you start out just by saying “hi”. Networking/knowing the right people is the key to a good job. (I can’t think of a single exception to this.)

@knitfroggy
yea, as I said before, I make a ton of mistakes in speaking that I care a bit too much about by now. When I would talk more I made more mistakes, that’s part of why I’ve dug myself into so deep a hole (in order to shut my mouth). But by now I realize I shouldn’t have used quite so much glue.

P.S. @Hobosnake, what are you calling “too late”? How old are you?

- Talk about yourself in short, and combine it with a question about the person you talk to. You and your life is interesting. You know things that are interesting to others. Search your way to find out what that is.

- People like to be near people who seem happy. You go a long way with a sincere smile. You don’t have to smile, though. If you feel confident and are in a good mood, it shows.

- People who are content with themselves displays confidence. Find out how to trust yourself. This is no. 1. With trust comes love. You are your first friend and your first love. In short, find the way to a love story with yourself.

- When talking to one person, see to include others around by making eye contact during conversation. This makes it easier for them to come into the discussion.

- Remember that there are many who feel the same. Even people who seem very social, has the same problem. It might just be that the person who is in the center, talking for the moment, is just doing his/her best to combat the same issues.

I am a quite private person as well. In school I used to sit in the back of the class room, keeping to myself. But social skills can be developed to feel and come natural for you. It just takes practice.

@Jeruba
lol. 17. What I meant by “too late” was more the nature vs. nurture question of this more than my age, but it seems like too few people change at my age (though I can think of a few).

to everyone calling extroversion a bad thing:

I definitely see your point. I’m very glad I’m not as extroverted as some people for this reason. Being introverted does mean keeping innocence is easier, and I love that facilitation, but I’ve taken it a bit too far and am trying to dig myself out of that hole. Going too far in the other direction probably won’t be a problem for me, but I’ll keep an eye out for it anyways if I do start to.

I’m naturally more of an introvert, and my husband is more of an extrovert. Being with him has made me more extroverted. I still kind of shy away from things, but I’ve hit this almost happy medium. I’ve had to become a little more extroverted anyway, being a military spouse. We’ll be moving a lot, so I’ll have to learn how to make friends easier.

I always mix up my words and mispronouce things (its also gotten almost uncontrollable for me to say it a couple more times until I’ve gotten it right, which weirds me out). I just make fun of myself and laugh about it. Doesn’t make me any worse or better of a person when it happens, and the more comfortable I am with people the less often it happens (though it still happens, even with people I’m perfectly comfortable with). When I address it (“bleh, whatever” “that was weird, haha”), it doesn’t become awkward, and sometimes is rather funny (mispronunciations can sound like something else that is funny, or flip-flopping parts of words can be amusing occasionally).

@oratio Your last point reminds me of the Just Shy t-shirt in xkcd’s store. :P

@dee1313
love that shirt lolz. Yea, now that you mention it, I’m usually not that bad at laughing at myself afterward, but I’m too afraid when I perceive the possibility of it beforehand.

Your first point interests me. I’ve only ever liked extroverted girls. I guess opposites really do attract.

as for mispronunciations… I love spoonerisms! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoonerism) among the friends that I do have, I have very little apprehensions, as I know it’ll only cause laughs all around if I mess up.

Conversely, I once stuttered about 36 times before initiating an order while working in the drive thru at my job (yes, despite being incredibly introverted, I work I’m an order taker. Don’t ask me why.), and the guy just laughed and asked me if I knew about the pig from looney toons.

@Hobosnake Lol, I just applied for a job at a call center. Explain that one to me! :P

My husband was my pretty much my first. I had ‘dated’ a guy before him, but with the both of us being shy, we hardly talked and it didn’t go anywhere. He ended up avoiding me. It was weird.

I admired my husband’s confidence, and our groups of friends had meshed around the time we started dating (my best friend and his best friend was going out). I got lucky.

I think its just easier to approach people when they’re extroverted. I used to only like extroverted people. Now that I’m less introverted, I could probably date both and make it work.

I am not an extrovert in any sense, but I can understand this situation, and experience it. I make good friends rather slowly, but once I am good friends with someone, I am rather talkative and friendly. Until then, though, I am rather socially awkward. Because of this, by the time I feel comfortable spending extended amounts of time with people outside of the times that we are normally together (i.e. work, school), I feel that I have missed a lot of good times already.
To summarize, I don’t become extroverted, I just become comfortable around people who pass my rigorous “friend test”, which is solely comprised of them being patient enough for me to feel comfortable around them.

@ekans same here. Although I wouldn’t say it takes me all that long to warm up to someone. The problem for me is that I can’t approach them, and they often don’t approach me.

Geez… maybe I should order that shirt that @dee1313 talked about… that’s genius!

I’m watching this thread

I’m incredibly introverted, and I still struggle with it in big social situations, but a few months ago I read the book Introvert Power, and it totally changed the way I look at my interactions with people. It talks a lot about the characteristics of introverts, and how to change the way you approach social situations to use your introversion to your advantage, rather than trying to act like an extrovert (which really just stresses you out).

A lot of the tactics in the book have been mentioned above, but I’d definitely recommend reading it anyway. Just seeing all of these introverted characteristics written down on paper, when I had previously thought that they were just things that I wasn’t very good at (ie. not very good at being an extrovert), was really empowering. It made me understand that, while many extroverts do think there’s something wrong with being an introvert, there really isn’t – and it’s possible to be a very happy introvert in a world full of extroverts (or people acting like extroverts because they think they should!)

Don’t try to be something you’re not – just find ways to be comfortable being who you are! Easier said than done, I know, but it is possible!

I used to be extremely introverted, and with practice, I became more extroverted. It just takes the ability to be sociable, and to try and get to know people. Ask people about themselves, everybody loves to talk about themselves. I am still shy, but I can cover by being friendly and trying to get along. A smile and a friendly ‘hello’ goes a long way towards breaking the ice.

I am an introvert, and I used to be painfully shy. I am still an introvert and always will be – it is our innate temperament. I will always need a certain degree of solitude to collect my thoughts and recharge myself. However, I now call myself a “sociable extrovert” because by making myself get out and interact over the past ten years has gotten me to the point where people react with surprise when I tell them how shy I used to be.

If you are looking for advise from introverts, the internet is the best place to look.

You have to stop caring so much about whether people think poorly of you. That’s easy to say; not so easy to do. I kind of think of it as not caring if I make a fool of myself. It took me fifty years of living to get to that point. And even so, I keep on reverting.

Despite that, I am fairly comfortable dealing with new people. Part of that is the training I’ve had. Sales training. It’s easy for me to talk to people about something I’m selling. Not so easy if I’m selling myself. I can sell myself to get a job, but if it’s just me, I am assailed by doubts that anyone who doesn’t already know me would actually be interested in what I say or think or do. Except for fluther, this seems to be fairly true. But let’s not think about that.

One trick I’ve used is to make fun of myself before other people do it. Or I point out my shortcomings before others figure it out for themselves. Most people think that one should not think negatively about oneself, or present oneself negatively, but I’ve found it to be a fairly effective technique.

If you do it with humor (well what can I do?) and not pathos (poor me), people don’t seem to mind if you diss yourself. Sometimes they actually get interested, oddly enough. Those tend to be the weird ones—the interesting ones, which is good, since you really don’t want to waste time with boring people.

Another thing I would recommend is for you to take a long term view of this. I mean, my God! Look at me? Not figuring this out until I’ve entered my sixth decade?!? You, at least, have the benefit of my advice, and should be able to deal with this by the time you’re forty, at least ;-)

Actually, I became more extroverted earlier; it’s just that I stopped taking myself so seriously around the time I turned fifty. It’s too late, now, to do anything about who I am. Might was well just enjoy it.

You’re only 17. Cut yourself a break! You’ve plenty of time to learn. Another thing that helped me was college and in particular, making friends at college. I found a group of people like me, and that made me relax more. I knew they were all just as geeky as I was, so no one could say they were cooler than anyone else. We were all so uncool, you could have friend an egg on our foreheads.

Nowadays, I can make fun of being uncool. I am about as far from cool as anyone could be. My daughter just laughs at me. I’m utterly hopeless (although, after looking the peoplefromwalmart pictures, I don’t feel that I’m utterly hopeless—just pretty hopeless). Anyway, I dress straight and talk straight and I no longer try to be cool, nor even, really want to be cool.

It’s all kind of relaxing once you stop trying to get people to like you or to entertain them. It’s relaxing when you give up on being an extrovert, and just accept yourself as you are. Oddly, often times when you relax about it, it become easier to interact with others. Still, at your age, you still care a lot, most likely. It’ll be hard to stop caring. I guess you have to go through that until it stops. Good luck!

Another thing from the book I mentioned, which @daloon just reminded me of: While it may seem like all the people around you are extroverted and thinking that you’re not cool because you’re not outgoing like them, you have to remember that a lot of them are actually introverts who are trying to fit in too.

If you’re comfortable with yourself, and appear to be happy to just watch the crowd and talk to people one-on-one instead of in big groups, it can help pull those other introverts out of the closet, and then you’ll have more people to have quieter, deeper conversations with, rather than the superficial small talk we all dread so much.

@sdeutch I’ve noticed that now that you mention it. I know a couple of kids at my school who are idiots till they realize they don’t have to be “cool” around you, and then their real introverted side shows up, and, ironically, they are more talkative and sincere than when putting on the facade.

I’ll take note of that.

I’m wondering if a few visits with a phychologist could give you some tips and ideas. There are also ‘socialization’ type classes at the local college.

@YARNLADY There are really college classes on that? Interesting. I’d never thought of that possibility.

I’m actually taking a psychology class myself this year (I have suspicions that I subconsciously signed up for it partly to deal with my psychological problems, not just my curiosities) and really enjoying it. It’s really enlightening! As for counseling psychology, I have had a bit of that. But it’s never been focused on things that are actually presently affecting me (such as this very subject).

@Hobosnake If you can get another introvert into a more relaxed, one-on-one situation, they’ll almost always open up and become more talkative than they are in a big group. Introverts feed off of the exchange of ideas, but they have to be in a setting where they feel comfortable exchanging those ideas, and giving themselves time to think about what they’re saying (you’ll notice that conversations between two introverts often have a lot of pauses, while they reflect on what they’re talking about).

Extroverts, on the other hand, feed off of the interaction between people – that’s why they try to keep the conversation moving, so it feels to the introvert like they have to contribute more, even if that’s not really in their nature – and it can get exhausting. These are generalizations, obviously, but I’ve noticed they tend to hold true with me and my introverted friends…

@Hobosnake Socialization classes do not usually go by that name. They may be called “orientation” or such. Ask your college advisor.

You don’t. I’m an introvert, a rather extreme one at that, and I’m good with it. It doesn’t mean you can’t get along with your co-workers, and it doesn’t mean you can’t find love. Not everyone is cut out to be the life of the party, and if you’re comfortable with who you are, it doesn’t matter what other people think.

My sister just reminded me of this quote, which seemed appropriate to this discussion:

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

The second half is Bernard Baruch, but the elaboration on it is usually attributed to Dr. Seuss.

Don’t let extroverts tell you how you should be acting – just be yourself, and you’ll find the ones who don’t mind are the ones you really want to talk to anyway!

Yes, for the most part introversion/extroversion is a genetic predispossistion.

I am a natural extrovert, cheery, talkative, high energy, BUT…as I have matured I am equally into my space & solitude.

I think while we all have predispossistions of temprament that maturity has a lot ot do with modification.

I always joke that men complain that women never shut up..but you know what?

Often men become the babbley wonders as they get older and the women are the ones rolling their eyes. lololol

Things are ever changing…just pick people that blend with your style best.

It took me about 30 years to realize that I do best with a middle of the road type, not MORE zippy than me, but not a potato under the sink either. lololol