Where is the line between being too hard or too easy on my daughter?

I don’t think you need to take action as much as you need to ask some thoughtful, gentle questions. She’s afraid of something, is my guess. Maybe of failure. Maybe of disappointing you.

Whew! She’s only four. I read the question and description and it made me anxious.

My son is also four and also in ballet/tap…we recently signed him up for ballroom.

In ballet class he was 3 when he began, and as a boy, was a bit of a handful for the instructor for the first few lessons. But, after he got the hang of how one behaves in a group setting, he did/does well.

In ballroom however, he is less “into” it right now. Why? He’s the only small child, and he gets tired, and he’d like to be playing or watching tv, or reading or in the garden or???? He’s four and his attention span is still short.

Will you be allowed to watch all of the ballet classes? If so, I suggest NOT doing so. She needs to learn she is there to learn dance and interact with the teacher and children, not perform in front of you.

BTW~we were concerned during our son’s first year of dance and very concerned his first few lessons. He loves dance, and is looking forward to his class starting up this weekend. And, he was one of the star performers in the recital.

A “required” performance is tough. If you’re harsh (or threaten some form of negative reinforcement), she might get up there and dance, but only half-heartedly and with a sad face. It definitely will not be “fun”.

OTOH, I can see where it’s important that she needs to learn to follow thru. In this case, I think using a carrot instead of a stick is more appropriate.

Remind her of how much fun it is to dance. Ask her to demonstrate her favorite moves just for you. Get her excited and psych her up a bit. Then suggest a reward afterwards, ice cream or some long-desired toy… because in this particular case, you really do want to reward her efforts.

If the reward offer doesn’t work, well, then you might be stuck. So make a serious go of it.

Still, if a reasonable reward and your enthusiastic encouragement isn’t enough, at least you tried. And she’ll know you really care. I think just leaving her to decide on her own (sitting by the wall) would be almost worse than attempting negative reinforcement even.

I’d let her know that her behavior means she won’t be dancing next year. It’s not okay to quit or drop out of recitals, games, etc.

@BBSDTfamily She’s four and just beginning dance. While I agree she should be trying, this seems like an extreme thought to put in a toddler’s head.

Whatever you do don’t threaten the girl about not performing. I know first hand that doing so would not help the situation at all. She’s four. You can’t expect her to perform at a recital. I don’t recommend kids that young doing recital type things anyways.

You might want to sit down with her and have a talk. If she wants to take dance classes, she needs to participate. If she doesn’t want to take dance classes, that’s okay too. But she has to decide if she wants to do it or not.

Four years old might be a bit young to make a year-long commitment; would you be okay if she decided to do it on a class-by-class basis? Would the teacher be okay with that?

It’s all part of the learning expirence. Don’t get mad at her, or upset. Right now, it may seem like you’re wasting money, but she could still be getting use to the idea.
I know this is off the subject, but when I was little, I wanted to learn the violin, and I only did one year, then my school quit the strings classes. I was then pushed into learning the flute by my parents. I didn’t want to. But when I was in high school, I taught myself the flute, and became first chair. I know it sounds weird, but she might not me ready.

@cwilbur Generally speaking 4 is the age girls start in ballet. You commit for the year in most studios.

However, that being said, the studio is responsible to make it fun & a learning experience whilst they teach the toddlers a few basics in dance.

@Facade it’s just little girls in little pink leotards galloping, twirling, jumping and learning the very basics of ballet & tap. If she wants to dance but doesn’t want to do the recital in the spring, I have no problem with that. In fact, that is exactly what I did when I was in tap as a little girl! Loved to dance, no desire to be on stage.

@SpatzieLover We can’t watch the class. There is a small window where we can peek in, which I obviously did a couple of times, but she doesn’t know I can see her.

@cwilbur It’s a month-to-month thing, but this is the beginning of “season” or whatever they call it. She doesn’t have to do a full year.

I know she is only four and 4 year-olds are all over the place with their attention – but she was the only one out of the entire class of 3–5 year-olds that was completely spaced and didn’t even try. It is a fun class and they move to new activities often throughout the 45 minutes.

She does have a bit of me in her and likes to watch things for a while before she gets involved. Maybe I should just see how next week goes and stop stressing myself out. I’m imagining every future failure of hers being caused inability to properly encourage her to give it her best at this very moment. (Yes, I know that is absurd!!)

Four is very young. I would ask my child why she behaved as she did at the recital, and I would listen carefully to her response.

Depending on what she says, I might tell her that we will probably wait until she is a little older before we do any other special lessons so she can be sure that she wants to before the family lays out the money and the time. I would also reassure her, though, that you want to support her interests.

@Supacase She sounds completely normal to me. :)

We can see through the window only once and a while at the studio we go to (and, we commit to one year of studies), however, we often hear the instructor correcting the children. She is good at keeping them reigned in.

I’d give it month worth of lessons before deciding. She may have had an “off” day, may have been shy (quite normal for this to set in at this age), or may have wanted to just watch.

Before the next lesson, I’d calmly ask her to keep her eyes on the teacher and to obey what she says. And, (as Rob said above) I’d offer a reward for the end of class if she actively tries to dance.

Does she know any of the other kids in the class? If not, get there early next week and try to introduce her to one or two of the other girls.

Our son was a bit overactive in the beginning of the classes. Once he got to know the teacher and a few of the kids, he fit into the class perfectly. We reminded him that he was the one to ask for the lessons, and offered a reward to look forward to if he obeyed the teacher.

@SpatzieLover She does know one little girl in there fairly well. The other girl was in the class last year, so she is beyond the spazzing out point.

She is always excited to tell me the names of her “buddies” at school or wherever, so maybe encouraging her along the lines of participating so she will make new friends will help. Thanks for the idea.

She did tell me she promised her teacher she would dance next time.

Four is still too young to expect rational behavior. Her actions were dictated by feelings which she is probably not mature enough to be able to discuss properly.

My son started dancing at age 6, along with several other 6 year olds, but the others dropped out, because they were not mature enough to follow through. He was also the youngest student ever admitted to the San Diego School of Baseball (to that time), along with the son of a professional baseball player. They both did well

I had the exact same problem with my three year old (soon to be four) so I was anxious to hear who others handled this. For me I had each family member give her a pep talk it worked for the next class but the following week she was back to being inactive. Because I have a set of teenagers I know that letting them think it is okay to quit something sets a bad precedence. I kept encouraging her each of the remaining three weeks to participate letting her know we were going to go either way. She finished the class participating some weeks others just sitting there so I decided not to reenroll her. I learned it is best to find what a child has interest in rather than forcing something on them they don’t show a great zeal for.

This reminds me of watching my six year old stand and watch the last ten minutes of his soccer practice last week instead of participating. My husband was all irritated, but it turned out the poor kid was coming down with strep throat and just couldn’t run around anymore. :)

I’m not suggesting your daughter was sick, but given her age, I agree with many of the opinions/suggestions above. Ask your daughter what she likes about dance, and what she doesn’t like. Her answers may give you some clues as to how interested she is in continuing. I’d also suggest talking to the dance instructor. She may have ideas on how to help your daughter get the most out of the lessons without pushing her. She also might make more of an effort to keep your daughter engaged during the lessons.

When my daughter was 5, she wanted to sign up for a summer soccer camp. She had a lot of fun for the majority of the camp day, but when the kids would break into teams and actually play soccer, she’d ignore everyone and do her own thing. She told me she liked all of the activities (the things they do to learn soccer skills), but didn’t like playing the actual game of soccer. I was sad, because she looked so cute in shin guards, but we haven’t signed her up for soccer since. Maybe your daughter likes aspects of dancing, but is getting bored with the class routine?

I took dance from the age of 3, but I sure as heck can’t remember it to try to give you any insight from her perspective.

Still, from working with children that age, I found that they often behave differently when their parent is not watching… they are more inclined to do what the teacher (or in my case, the clinician) asks of them. Do you feel comfortable enough to step out of the room when you first drop her off? Tell her you have to make an important phone call and walk out for about 5 minutes. Then peek in to see how she’s doing, if she still isn’t fully engaged in the class (and hasn’t spotted you) stay away for a few more minutes. I suspect she’ll be fine after a little while.

She is four. She said she wanted to take dance classes, so you signed her up for a preschool ballet/tap combo class. It was five weeks and she did ok, It was worth it, though.

Now its the first day of the “year” She danced 15% of the class. you’re so disappointed. You feel like if you don’t say anything you are teaching her that it is acceptable to not try. On the other hand,You don’t want to overdo IT. and make her feel bad about herself.

Clear communication makes Lasting Friendships even with your kids! telling people the truth as you see or feel it. Is the best you can do for anybody.

It’s just the first class, things might change… my 3 year old just started modern dance and now he says he’s ‘no longer interested’...so I asked him why he has to watch my little phone video of him dancing 1000000x a day if he doesn’t like it..lol…he’ll go back…the rule in our house is if you start an activity, do it for a month or at least 4x before quitting

He said “no longer interested”? Wow. What an intelligent child you have :)

@Facade yeah, he’s creepy

@Supacase: Since you said she promised her teacher that she’d dance next time, it sounds like maybe the teacher has already said something to her about it? Give it at least another week and see what happens.

I was the shy child that always stood back and didn’t get involved. My mother would get so frustrated with me and eventually stopped taking me to my class. I wish she would have encouraged me to follow through. One or two more classes and I may have warmed up to everyone and enjoyed the experience.

Give it a few more weeks. She may surprise you.

I’ve been taking my daughter to ballet/tap since she was 3. She is the complete opposite of how I was, she loves to dance and perform in front of others. I have noticed on occasion a few students that just aren’t into it but they eventually warm up. It really helps once they start to make friends in class.

My lil’ guy is so pumped up for ballet to start up again that he’s woken up early each day this week asking if today is the day we see Miss Georgia yet. Patience and time will tell with your daughter.

Does the studio you attend have anything like a fairy princess camp or any sort of “dress up” event (not the recital) for the wee ones? Dressing up made mine lose his inhibitions toward the staff and the class.