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sandystrachan's avatar

(NSFW)Why is it better to have a multi-some when you are single rather than married ?

Asked by sandystrachan (4380 points ) September 24th, 2009

It cropped up out of the blue one night , a heap of us were talking the subject of multi-somes came up . Nearly everyone said they are better if you are single rather than married , yet they couldn’t explain why .

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27 Answers

Sarcasm's avatar

Because you may realize that the person/people in your multi-some are better in bed than your wife/husband, and you’ll have to live with that knowledge.

Whereas, when you’re single (or just dating), there’s easy enough wiggle room to start sleeping with someone else.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Sarcasm I know this is a tangent but shouldn’t the sex be best with the partner of your life?

Sarcasm's avatar

It should. Correct.
Doesn’t mean it will be.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

As someone who knows and practices polyamory, this is so because when a couple is brought in it’s the other people who are the problem, wanting to split people up, wanting this or that…or the people in the couple themselves don’t have clear boundaries, haven’t discussed this in detail, etc.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Sarcasm well if it isn’t, isn’t it up to us to make it be the best sex of our lives?

drClaw's avatar

One word “commitment” when your single you can get down with whoever and it can be casual. No commitment to the other party or parties in this case means no drama.

If you have a threesome, foursome or fivesome with your SO then you risk drama, hurt feelings, awkwardness (which don’t get me wrong happens when your single too), and ultimately loosing a relationship that is important to you. Of course there is always an exception to every rule ;-)

Likeradar's avatar

I’d imagine it’s because if you’re doing an x-some as part of a couple, you need to be concerned with what the other person is experiencing. I’d think you have less obligation if you just end up in an x-some with a group of people you don’t have strong emotional ties to.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Because one of the underpinnings of marriage as it is today is the possessiveness aspect. The thinking could be that someone who can spank your partner’s monkey better than you might take away that partner, leaving you bereft and alone.

If you’re single, no big whoop. If you’re married, it gets expensive and emotionally draining. And are there kids in the marriage? Oy, fahggidaboudit! Promises were made on the wedding day that most people take seriously, too, and those promises were based on an (unspoken) idea of each partner’s “ownership” of the other. Whether or not that’s how marriage should work is debatable, but that’s how people seem to work it to me.

barumonkey's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir: That’s a nice ideal, a great ambition… but it’s not always possible.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@barumonkey i understand but can you give me some reasons as to why not?

Facade's avatar

Because you are married and should only be having great, wonderful, fantastic sex with you husband/wife.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Facade there are no ‘shoulds’ in this world (except for situations of harm, I guess) in that no one should do anything other people think they should do – so I can’t tell you what you should do with your partner and you can’t tell me what I should do with mine, right?

casheroo's avatar

Because being married is different than being single. Unless you have an open marriage. Too many feelings are involved when it comes to “sharing” during sex. It’s easier while single, no risk of feelings getting hurt.

Facade's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I can have my “shoulds” I want to. I didn’t give my opinion to start an argument/ “discussion.”

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@casheroo it’s not that simple. single people having sex with couples do it for many reasons and feelings can and do absolutely get hurt.
@Facade well you certainly can, of course…then when putting statements down you say ‘in my case’ or something…and I wasn’t starting an argument…are you feeling particularly offended right now? my apologies

Facade's avatar

Not offended, I just didn’t intend to discuss anything, that’s all.

casheroo's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I guess when I think about multi-somes when single, then the others are single as well. What I was saying was coming from the single persons perspective…of course feelings get hurt if a couple involves a single person. My post basically said single people should have sex with single people. If you have an open marriage, then be prepared for the mixed emotions that could possibly come with it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@casheroo oh, i get it, thanks for the clarification.

cwilbur's avatar

Because sex creates bonds between people. If you’re a bunch of people having group sex, and two of you bond, you can pursue the relationship further. If you’re a committed couple having group sex, and one of you bonds with another person in the group, suddenly you’re in the “It’s Complicated” stage.

Couples whose relationship is strong and who are committed to each other and to the concept and practice of polyamory can make this work despite those bonds. Other people are walking into a minefield. And, of course, you don’t know which category you’re in until you try.

wundayatta's avatar

Generally when you marry, you promise exclusivity, so that kind of rules out multi-somes. If you aren’t promising exclusivity, then that better be clear in your vows. Or at least in your private vows if you can’t go public with it. And if you don’t promise exclusivity in marriage, I hope you have had experience with it before you get married, so you know what it feels like and have some idea of what it means.

That means it’s better to try it out when you’re single. If you wait until you’re married, it can put enormous pressure on your marriage, especially if one of you likes it and the other doesn’t. In far too many cases, the husband is pressuring the wife to do this kind of thing, and the wife gives in even though she really doesn’t want to, just to please the husband.

But sex means more than just sex, in my opinion. I think people are fooling themselves when they believe they can just hook up and it don’t mean shit. That’s just me. There was a time when I believed you could love more than one person. Still, I met a woman who I believed I could make the promise of exclusivity to. I turned out to be wrong about that, but I’m trying again. It’s a struggle for me, and that means that there is something incomplete about our relationship. I hope we can fix it, and I’m working hard on that, but it’s really tough for me.

If you want to try it, I’d do it while single. Less is at stake, but there is still a lot at stake. I would do it with people I really cared about, not with fuck buddies or worse, strangers. I would do it with a group of people who all cared about each other fairly seriously. I would discuss the meaning before I started. I would want us all to agree on what we are doing before we do it. It’s not something I would want to do on a lark, or while drunk. It’s serious shit, and I think it should be treated that way.

I’m not saying it shouldn’t be done. I tried it, and I learned a lot from it. I didn’t do it the way I’m describing it, but I didn’t know enough to do it that way. It did cause one of my friends to freak out, so it ended rather unpleasantly. I remember that I was doing it with a friend, and I looked up to watch my girlfriend doing it with some other guy, and it was really weird. I never had the desire to do it again. It had its good points and its bad points. I’m glad I had the experience. I wouldn’t want to do it again unless I were in a poly relationship.

I’m not sure how @Simone_De_Beauvoir works her relationships. I don’t know how common it is to be in multiple situations as compared to fluctuating dyads. If I were going to do it, I’d want to read some books about it first. If I were married, I’d be having some heavy duty conversations with my spouse first.

So, @sandystrachan, how did your conversation with your friends come out?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@daloon well I never read books on polyamory but I’ve lived it with my husband before and after we were married so I know what works for us

wundayatta's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir So how did you get into it? Did you have conversations? Did you discuss jealousy? Do you have any agreements about this?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@daloon Prior to my first marriage, I was in open relationships – it’s just how I always wanted it – in my first marriage we were monogamous and there was jealousy on both ends and I felt it wasn’t the healthiest way for me to be – when I met my 2nd and current husband I put it out there in the beginning – I said I will never be in a monogamous relationship ever again, take it or leave it – he took it and stood by his word – in the beginning of our relationship, for the first 6 months, I was with him and with another person and the three of us have MANY discussions, many things were hashed out…there were just a couple of principles we were all to abide by: 1. All relations are discussed in that if I am to go have sex with someone or they would, give the others a heads up 2. Do not compare yourself to each other 3. Do not come to me later and say ‘no, choose me, drop him’...The second person and I broke up for many reasons but one of the reasons was how much emotional energy I spent into trying to make him feel as if he was just as important as Alex – which, of course, he was, to me…but he was very insecure and I couldn’t take it anymore…from then on, when my husband and I married and had a child, things shifted a bit…we talk still all the time about where we are in terms of our relationship, how open it is and what the boundaries are…obviously we have very little time now to form close relationships with others…so that just leaves sexual relationships which can occur quicker and haven’t for some time because we’re so busy and are interested in sex with each other…when a person comes up in our lives that we like, we talk about it to each other – the conversation always goes as follows ‘oh you think she’s cute and smart…okay, what would you ideally like the extend of your interaction to be? do you just want to have sex with her? do you just want to talk to her on the phone more often? do you want her to consider sex with me as well (not so unusual)?’ and the same goes for me and then we together figure out what would be best and how we can accomodate each other, how we can arrange it so the other has freedom to do what they need…like I always say, him and I aren’t the problem, it’s always someone else…I have a person, an old friend, who wants to sleep with me (we’ve never had sex before) – he just asked me again last week on the phone and I said ‘look, Alex knows that both you and I are interested in sleeping together but your wife doesn’t and you don’t plan on telling her so that’s a serious problem for me and it’ snot going to happen’...just one example…we’ve had many situations…sometimes women flirt with him and are interested but when they find out that I know about what’s going on, they lose interest because people are all about breaking people up to make themselves feel as if they’re that special, which they aren’t

wundayatta's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Wow! You are way more advanced than I am now or ever could be. I think that if you’re going to have multiple relationships, then your way is definitely the way to go. Good luck with continued strong relationships!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@daloon I don’t think what we have is ‘advanced’ – it is just what suits me and him, we base our relationship in a lot of philosophical principles as weird as that sounds and not ‘owning’ each other in any way and allowing complete freedom to each other is very important to myself and my partner

phil196662's avatar

The ability to never see the person again???

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