How do I make good friends?

I really feel ya… sometimes it’s hard when you’re super busy too meet people and make friends. I would say that if you don’t really have time to go out, maybe you’ll find a good friend in your classes, I’d say that everyone I am close friends with and talk to on a regular basis I met in various classes in college. I myself am not a drinker, and I wouldn’t blame yourself on that. Maybe if there is someone you talk to in class, ask if they want to study together… that usually gets you talking, then maybe a friendship will take it’s course from there. The main thing is never to force it. I mean friendships form naturally, just keeping in contact with someone can do it.

And always remember… your Fluther friends are here!

The best advice I can give you is to be yourself. I lucked out in finding friends who were similar to me or who could at least understand me, by doing exactly that. My friends and I don’t compromise who we are. We aren’t big drinkers or party goers and we attend one of the top party schools.
I would try to make friends with people in your classes, you have an instant similarity and someone to sit with during class. I would also recommend befriending people you work with, since they tend to have similar schedules. What about your neighbors or roommates? I would just get to know people and feel them out the best I could.
And your friends back home are at home so don’t rely solely on them, you could be missing out on new and exciting people at school! And think of it this way, once you establish some new friends at school you will have people to introduce your friends from home to when they visit!
Good Luck!

I am a non-drinker and went to a large, big ten, top drinking school. I had a car, so I wound up being the driver all of the time, which I didn’t mind.

Do you live in the dorm? That is where I met most of my closest friends, meeting people in class was much more difficult. You are so busy, I think it would be difficult for most people in that situation. Do you work on campus?

I have the same problem. I’m also introvert and just don’t understand drinking, or partying in general for that matter.

While I still haven’t made too many friends, what has helped is taking risks. If you suddenly feel the urge to strike up a conversation with someone, ask a question, or just say hello, and would normally choose not to act upon the impulse, do it! Talk to someone you’d never consider talking to normally. Throwing caution to the wind every once in a while, reaching out, and still acting yourself after having made a connection is a pretty liberating experience. Often it just results in an interesting conversation, but sometimes it’s the beginning of something fantastic. I think most people are just like you and me, wishing they could meet someone new, make a friend, only we’re all too busy wondering why we can’t communicate.

@JLeslie I do work on campus, which makes it a bit easier. And I am in a dorm too (all girl floor, which to me makes it a bit friendlier not to mention quieter.)

@Beta_Orionis I’m okay at the hello’s and small talk. I just don’t seem to get beyond that.

It’s not helping that my roommate has decided to alienate me today… well I suppose she’s been working on it all week. sigh She left me a sticking declaring not to let my visiting boyfriend touch any of her things. We ended up staying at my brother’s apartment (we’re very close, but we don’t see eachother much) because she made it so awkward to stay in my dorm room. The thing is I asked her 2 weeks ago if it was okay if we stayed here and she said it was. When I returned to day she yelled at me so hard she made me cry. She was mad because we hadn’t stayed in the dorm. =/ See? And this is why I need a friend. I need someone to vent on and give me hugs.

@Open I meant open up to them on a deeper level spontaneously, which is a little more difficult.

I had a similar dorm room experience, including highly critical acquaintances. I would hug you if I could! [feel free to vent here/or via PM. I had a former, dorm-made friend yell at me for similar reasons. It made me cry too, so I can understand the hurt you must be feeling! :( ]

@open F$#k your roommate! If you have done nothing to make her suspcicious (having touched her things before or your boyfriend touching her things) then she is a bitch. No wonder you are upset. We had people/boyfriends crashing constantly in our dorm rooms. I would be upset too. Is she a new roommate?

@JLeslie @Beta_Orionis Haha! I’ve never touched any of her things. I was actually baffled by her note she left because she also told me “don’t eat my food!” ...i’ve never once touched her food. And she told me not to leave my boyfriend in the room alone ever for any reason…which seems odd only because her boyfriend lives one floor up (nice enough guy, i have no issues with him) and he’s constantly in our room. My brother also noticed that she took the diligence to tape all her drawers shut, which kinda makes me laugh. Honestly if we REALLY wanted to get into her drawers we could easily remove the tape and put it back.

However all this pales in comparison to her finale. So she is yelling at me…later I found out the reason why she was pissed was because she missed church because she didn’t have an alarm because she was staying in her boyfriends room…why is this my fault? im not so sure. I didn’t bother to tell her we weren’t staying in the room because I thought she had other plans. Plus it was a last minute plan to spend the night at my brother’s. After thourghly making me feel bad and upset she storms out of the room with her phone. I sit for a moment before crying. I grab my phone and leave to call my boyfriend (he’s a heart, he always offers a kind word and helping hand). After calming down, I returned to my room to talk to her…only to find she has locked me out. If I wasn’t upset before, boy was I now. I could barely get the numbers in my birth date right when I was asked at the front desk. I had to pay $5 to get a key back in.

Despite all this I did talked to her when she returned an hour later. I said my side and my sorrys and she said “It’s fine.” In a very…noncommittal tone. =/ I left it at that.

and this is where things stand currently.

Ugh. I guess it might just blow over? Sounds like you did everything you can. Is she a new roommate? You could try to transfer to another room or dorm. I would not want to worry about my boyfriend visiting all year. What school are you at? I went to Michigan State, and usually there was a way to shift people around a little if you decide you want to do it. My girlfriend was tripled and she was able to move after a couple of months.

Oh dear! That’s pretty ridiculous. Too much passive aggression (actually, it’s pretty much actively aggressive. She seems to be the one that needed to apologize. If it continues this way, I agree with @JLeslie regarding investigating a transfer. Moving would be a serious pain, but living in a less than comfortable emotional environment will have all kinds of unpleasant effects on the rest of your waking activities, and probably your sleep too.

@JLeslie She’s new this semester. Last year my first roommate was okay…until she came home drunk and puking into the garbage. My second roommate was one of those cliche girls you see in the movies. I always thought “nobody’s really like that” until I met her. She didn’t give a care about school. I once asked her if she was going to get a job over the summer and she replied, “Eww! I don’t work!” She changed her major 11 times in one semester.

And then there’s this years roommate, Dee. She’s been fine up till this last week. She has few annoying habits, but nothing mean. She fights with her boyfriend a lot over small things and always finds a way to get back at him, like tearing all the pictures she has of him or yelling at him over the phone. In fact because he lives one floor above us she even calls him in the middle of the night to tell him to make the door above us be more quiet. =/ Last week she also stormed across the hall and pounded on our neighbors door at midnight because she thought they were being too noisy. Honestly i didn’t even notice the noise. She brought me a cupcake the first day she moved in and I thought, “YES! Finally! A good roommate!!” I was so excited… but after watching her behavior with others I started to wonder if she wouldn’t take something out on me. Part of the reason I wanted to be careful talking to her about her fit earlier. She has a bad habit of taking it out on people instead of just talking about it. =/ I really don’t need her going out of her way to make my life miserable.
(Not that I’m miserable. I’m doing okay.)

can’t read and I can’t write down
I don’t know a book from countdown
I don’t care which shadow gets me
All I’ve got is someone’s face

Ok. You have to get out of there. You sound like a smart cookie, and you have seen the warning signs. She is a mean girl. She sounds like she has no control over herself when she is angry and is quick to jump to the emotion of anger.

The lady at the front desk saw how upset I was over the $5 fee and asked me about it. I told her my roommate was pissed at me and locked me out. She also suggested I talk to a lady about transferring rooms. I think I’m going to give a week before seriously pursuing that option.

Good luck :).

I’m lucky in other aspects of my life, roommates seems not to be one of them, so I will very greedily accept your luck ^_^ Thank you.

And yes, venting online has been very helpful, and I will still work on finding that friend. =)

Good luck in all respects!

I’m sure you’ve thought of this, but you might try finding clubs on campus that are based on things you are interested in. That way, you automatically have something to talk about, and a way to get away from a crazy roommate (believe me, I’ve been there).

It can take a while to make new, good friends; keep up the effort, be nice to most people (it’s okay to be jerky back to jerks :D), and try to move a little outside your comfort zone.

Good luck with all of it!

My girlfriend across the hall hated her roommate, she was in my room all of the time.

You’re going to have to get out of your comfort zone, and just go out and make new friends. I’m an introverted person too, so making friends is little harder for me than anyone else I know. Meetup.com has been a greet site for me because through this, I’ve been able to get to know people who have similar interests to me, and are also around my same age. I suggest you try that out. I’ve also made friends through the strictly platonic section of craigslist. ( Of course, act with caution using the latter, there are crazy people using craigslist.)

Good luck!

@open, I agree with @JLeslie. Those aren’t “annoying habits.” You are living with Psycho Barbie. She is a mean girl.

My advice for making friends would be to find a coffee shop or place to go where they have music that you like, and become a regular. Go every day, strike up conversations with the people that work there, introduce yourself. Greet people by name. Eventually you will meet all the other regulars that hang out there.

well you answered your own question “nobody likes people who don’t drink”....especially at college or university when most people are going all out to have fun, do crazy things, figure themselves out and have a few funny stories to talk about later when your married and boring….sad fact of life that all though technically people don’t need to drink to relax or any of the other stuff they get from it they want to do it anyway and whether its true or not that non drinkers are stuck up people who cant ever let go that’s pretty much how they are viewed…if your introverted anyway maybe you should lighten up and have a few drinks and you might make some friends or at least have a few laughs….you can defend being introverted to the ends of the earth but what it boils down to often (not always) is that your a coward and you don’t want to risk yourself and want the other people to make all the effort (I am speaking hypothetically here as I don’t know your circumstances but that’s my harsh opinion right there)

I have to disagree with @noodle_poodle – there is absolutely nothing cowardly about being an introvert. Introverts by nature feed off of the sharing of ideas, and they get a lot more out of a one-on-one interaction because it leaves them the space to really think about what they’re talking about, and respond to it on a deeper level. Extroverts, on the other hand, feed off of the interaction between people – that’s why it’s often hard for an introvert to feel comfortable and really get to know people in big social situations where they’re surrounded by extroverts. The extrovert wants to keep the interaction going (and often keeps talking to fill in what they see as “gaps” in the conversation), and the introvert doesn’t have a chance to get a thought in edgewise. No offense meant to extroverts here – it’s just two different ways of interacting with the world.

My advice would be to keep your eyes open for other introverts – there’s a surprising number of them out there, trying to act extroverted so they’ll fit in, when they’d really be happier sitting off in a corner of the party with you, talking one-on-one. Next time you’re at a party, try reveling in your introversion – take your non-alcoholic drink (having a drink in your hand makes people not question whether you’re drinking or not) and drift off to the side to check out the titles on the bookshelves. Or go sit on the front stoop and watch the stars – chances are, another introvert will welcome the opportunity to join you. (I know I would have at my college parties!)

I’d also recommend reading Introvert Power by Laurie Helgoe – in addition to having some really good ideas on how to make introverted friends, it really helped me to understand why I act the way I do, and to be more comfortable being me, rather than trying to be the extrovert I’m not. Good luck! And remember, your introverted fluther friends are always here for you!

lol well I disagree again with @sdeutsch I dont think its at all like that…at least in my own experience most people who come across as extrovert or confident have the same worries, depth and insecurities as more introverted people the reason they have more friends is simply they make the effort…..“Or go sit on the front stoop and watch the stars – chances are, another introvert will welcome the opportunity to join you. (I know I would have at my college parties!)” good advice I guess but it relies solely on the other person making the effort to come talk to you which personally I wouldn’t expect (especially from another introvert)...if your the one who is lonely and looking for friends make an effort to reach out to them….and I say this as someone who has struggled in the past with social stuff and now doesn’t..not that you have to pretend that your outgoing or anything but you at least should make some effort otherwise why should anyone else bother….plus if you really are an introverted person sometimes its good to spend time with people who are a bit more outgoing and if you make effort to do stuff you find hard and uncomfortable and it pays of then maybe after a while it wont seem so hard after all….I suppose in the end its whatever works for you but in my experience its best work at things you find difficult instead of expecting the world to conveniently organise itself around you….I’ll add to this that I understand people are different and that confidence inst easily come by and for those of us who weren’t given a helping hand in childhood to find our own its especially hard but still…its your life dont expect other people to make it for you.

I have the go along with the old advice given again above – find a club or activity to join. It’s the best way to meet people if you aren’t into the drinking/party scene. I understand that it’s very hard to have time for it with two jobs and studying, but something like a theater group or literary magazine if you’re into those would probably have people with some depth to them who aren’t just about partying. Is there any way you could give up one of the jobs to have more time for that?

Also, the roommate does sounds wacky. Reminds me of Meghan on the old Felicity show. Getting out of there sounds like a great idea. You don’t need the extra stress right now.

College isn’t easy. Good luck!

Don’t drink if you don’t drink; I didn’t. But I went out…not to parties that often, but dance clubs. If you feel the need to have a drink in your hand to fit in there is usually some soda/pop around and no one will know really what you are drinking. Or, you can get a glass of beer and drink the same one all night, or say you already drank a ton before you left the dorm.

I did not meet people at parties, I went with friends to parties. But, I will say this, you cannot leave the burden of making friends on other people. You have to strike up conversations, ask people to have lunch together, or whatever.

@noodle_poodle I absolutely agree that it does take effort to make friends, whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert. Until recently, though, I hadn’t really realized that introverts need to go about it in a different way than extroverts do. I used to try to make the effort to introduce myself and get into conversations at parties, and it never worked for me – it wasn’t until I really understood what kinds of situations worked best for me that I was able to steer myself towards those situations. You’re right, you can’t just sit out on the stoop and wait for people to come to you – but you can do that at the times when you need a break from the socializing, and at other times you can look for other introverts who are sitting on the stoop or looking as uncomfortable as you are with the big group conversations.

Once I stopped trying to “be more outgoing” and decided to really seek out the less outgoing people around me, I actually made a lot more friends. It’s still making an effort, but in a way that I found more comfortable for me and much more rewarding in the end.

Get in a time machine. Go back to when you were in grade school.

As a adult I find friends, especially good friends are far and few between.
I guess it is because life becomes complicated and we do not have as many opportunities to spend enough time with others to truly develop a “good” friendship with.

Co worker friends do not count. They tend to last for as long as the job does.

Like the saying goes, if you want a friend, be a friend. Ya gotta reach out!

I’ll be your friend, ooh creepy, no really.

Thank you everyone for your advice and input. ^_^ I’d like to reiterate the fact that I am, in fact, an outgoing person. I absolutely love starting conversations with people, which is part of the reason why I highly enjoy being a cashier. The introvert comes out when I’m around more than two people. I get really quiet and shy when more than one person is around. I guess it’s because I can’t read everyone’s reaction in a larger group, makes me nervous that I might be saying something wrong. >.< And I know a lot of you will scold me and say, “Who cares what they think, be yourself!” which is good advice… I just get intimidated. I’ll work on it.

@noodle_poodle I found your post highly intriguing. In the first one you seem rather infuriated with me (or rather introverts in general) and in the second you seemed calmer but still annoyed. On the note of thinking that drinkers are “stuck up people who can’t ever let go”...I can honestly say I have never had that impression of drinkers. I kinda made it sound like I hated drinkers, but I don’t. It’s fine, my boyfriend drinks, my best friend drinks, my parents drink…it’s really not a horrible thing, it’s just not for me. On the note of getting married and bored, it’s always been my mentality that you must being having as much fun as you are working or else it isn’t worth it. You can’t waste your life away working and being bored. What’s the point of working if you can’t have an equal or greater amount of fun. You only live once, so you should enjoy it. ^_^
And lastly, on the note of making an effort to find friends. You are absolutely correct. I can’t sit around on my behind waiting for the friends to show up. However, it’s not exactly the problem I’m having. I can say hi, I can make an effort, I meet people…I just can’t seem to find anyone who enjoys the same nerdy things I do. I just wanted to know how to find a good friend.

In all honesty, the answer I have gotten is: You can’t make anyone a good friend. You can be friendly and social, but in the end it’s hard to find the good friends that you will keep forever.

@Open being nerdy and being and introvert or shy are totally different, now I get where you are coming from. Not sure what kind of nerdy you are lol. I loved hanging out at the engineering frat, luckily one of my close friends boyfriend was part of the fraternity and I got to know a bunch of guys in there who were very inetersting, although did not become close friends with them like my girlfriends, but they kind of satisfied my need to talk about interesting topics here and there. Personally, I think it is easier for nerdy guys than for nerdy girls. Luckily, I am a girly girl also, had worked in fashion so I had a lot of nice clothes, painted my nails, loved watching tv, went out to the bar/dance clubs almost every weekend (even though I don’t drink) so I kind of fit in with both sets of people.