My girlfriend says she's a free spirit and I don't know what that means. Can you help me?"?
Asked by
Imacatch (
39
)
September 28th, 2009
it seems that my gf always has friends that she’s attracted to which in turn makes them respond to her. She tells me they’re interesting and cool which they are but her attractions to them makes it very hard to believe its just friendship. we argue over this because she feels i dont have an open mind. she treats me like i just dont want her to have friends at all. I never told her to not have any friends but i have told her that just becuase she finds people attractive dont mean she needs to flaunt that in my face by befriending them. I told her i thinks she wants me to rest on her word alone while she goes on mini dates with “friends”. its like she sends these signlas to these people and they respond and when i say something she pulls the trust card. when i asked her how would she like it if i told her every person i met i found attractive and then they ended up at the dinner table? she just blew me off and implied i was closed minded. because i havent caught her actually cheating she feels im paranoid. when i mention that cheating isnt sporatic but builds up she says “just becuase she bought someone a bear that she attracted to doesnt mean anything or just becuase she has a topless pix in her phone of someone that likes her doesnt mean anything”. then she says its my perception. If i was to write a quote for her friends, to sum up the vibe of it, it would be “i know what your thinking but it isnt what it looks like/seems”. bottom line, she dont want me to judge her friendships. she says i dont trust her but i do. I just dont trust her logic, her reasoning. its like the only too far for her is cheating but everything else is perception. when i asked her if she wanted to be with me because it seems she wants to be single but not alone she tells me if we were going to break up we would have by now. So, America, i love her completely but she fights to the death for her freedom to do whatever she wants with her friends. I’ve never cheated on her nor given her a reason to. She feels attacked when i confront this so i dont even deal with it anymore. now i feel like as her lover i cant even communicate w her. Help fluther-she might be gone with the wind
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8 Answers
What ever it is that makes you write that much, I want some.
You and she have two very different ideas of relationship. It is not likely this one will succeed.
Neither of you is necessarily wrong, but you’re not really compatible. You will both be happier if you break up with her.
Otherwise, you are going to spend all your time policing her and worrying over what she is doing. You will become a person you don’t want to be.
Date someone whose ideas of OK behavior in relationships are closer to yours.
Well, one thing is clear. She doesn’t seem to care that much when you say what she does bothers you. She gets all defensive and puts it back on you.
You feel what you feel. You don’t have to justify that. It makes you feel insecure when she does that. It might even make you feel like she disrespects you when she does that. Did you ever tell her what you felt?
I don’t know about the trust issue. Whether or not she may be doing more with these guys than flirting, it still seems like you have grounds not to trust her, just because she doesn’t seem to respond to your concerns.
What do you mean when you say you love her? Do you need her? Is the sex so good you don’t want to lose it? She seems like she is starved for attention, and constantly needs reaffirmation that she is desirable. She’s a tease. Why do you love someone who is so needy and who doesn’t seem to care about you enough to try to make you feel more secure?
If I were you, I’d try to really look at myself, and question what attracts me to this woman. I’d think about whether I am getting what I really want. I’d wonder why I was willing to put up with such disrespect. I’d wonder why she keeps on doing this—why she needs to keep on doing this.
A little introspection might help, and then, as @Marina says, you may find that you aren’t very compatible, after all.
I will not judge her, and neither should you. She is the way she is, for whatever reasons. Can you cope with that?
She seems to mean, get off her back.
What @daloon says here, I’m going to agree:
“She seems like she is starved for attention, and constantly needs reaffirmation that she is desirable.”
If she’s not secure with the love and attention you give her as her partner then your relationship is in trouble. It’s not unusual for each person to maintain friends and acquaintances they may safely flirt with, even share lunch or dinner with but not when they’re aware it’s uncomfortable or alienating to their SO, that’s defiant and inconsiderate if she’s dismissing your feelings by saying “she’s a free spirit”.
See, it’s not about being “right” all the time in a relationship, it’s about how you decide to address and respect each other’s feelings and then choose your behaviors accordingly. She has to decide just how much she wants you, what’s more important to her, maintaining her “free spiritedness” to semi-date others even though she’s aware you are feeling left out.
It sounds like exactly what “free spirit” means—she doesn’t want to be committed or attached to any one person. You have her on loan; she will not commit to you, or anyone else.
means she wants to be able to leave you whenever and not have you bitch about it.
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