Social Question

Ashleyh429's avatar

Have you ever been used?

Asked by Ashleyh429 (160 points ) October 13th, 2009

This past summer a long time friend came over. For years we had had a love-hate relationship. He had used me once, by going out with me and telling his ex that I tried to seduce him, just to get her back. I forgave him though, but when he came over, he seduced me… He made me think that he loved me. He did it a second time, then he left, disappeared. Then he blamed me when it got out somehow about what happened, telling people I made up sick fantasies about him. I regret it and don’t know how to live with myself. I feel like such a fool and a slut for letting him do that. I’d only had one other sexual partner, and I don’t want that many. I don’t want to feel that way, but I feel so used. He was my friend and I don’t understand how he could do this to me. How do I deal with this?

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45 Answers

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Put the experience behind you and learn from it so it doesn’t happen again.
It’s not your fault that he lied to you and misled you.

Allie's avatar

Sure. Some people are assholes and use others to make them feel better about themselves. Try not to let it get to you, it’s not anything you did.

markyy's avatar

I’m guessing this happened recently. Be patient, time heals all and you can only come out of this experience stronger.

marinelife's avatar

Sadly, life experiences like these are how we learn. Do not kick yourself. You were a trusting, open person who gave him the benefit of the doubt.

From what happened, I suspect you now know that someone who will behave badly to someone else will also be likely to behave badly to you.

You also need to recognize that liars usually lie a lot. Same with manipulators.

The other lesson is that liars and manipulators do not make good friends.

You need to move on, feeling wiser. Again, you did not do anything wrong.

I would not worry about people thinking badly of you. Anyone who knows this guy well knows what he’s like.

Take care.

Ashleyh429's avatar

The worst part is, it’s like I see him everywhere! He goes to my church and I live in a small town, so anywhere I go I seem to see him… And I know he’s just getting the satisfaction of knowing he got what he came for…

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

@Ashleyh429 You’re the bigger person here.
His abuse doesn’t mean he has power over you unless you give away your power.

IBERnineD's avatar

I would remain civil if you are ever around him. Don’t let him get to you, be strong. I would also let go of any idea that he could be a good friend of yours. It’s a shame that there are people who think they are allowed to treat people like that.

Ashleyh429's avatar

That’s what I’m going to try to do. I keep on going back to being his friend, but he only uses me in some way all over again… I just can’t do it again, because to him, I’m just a toy. A boomerang, he can just keep on throwing…

poofandmook's avatar

the more confidence you exude, the less satisfied he’ll be with himself.

And, cut him from your life, no matter how painful that seems right now.

CMaz's avatar

Yup, and it sucks.
Take notes, try to avoid it from happening again.

Justnice's avatar

I think you should stay away from him. Avoid him at all costs because it seems like he has this power over you and you continue to let him use you. I’m not saying it’s your fault. I’ve been used before and I felt like a complete idiot after. I’ve been with guys who have only wanted sex. The thing is, when I look back at everything, I realize that I knew I was being used. I’m a really smart girl and I know you are too. You knew that he was using you but you let it happen. Now you need to find out why you let it happen. Maybe you have a low self-esteem or you really like him. Until you figure it out, he’s gonna continue to use you and you’re gonna let it happen. He knows how to get you. I can only tell you that you are only human and you are allowed to make mistakes. I’m sure you’re not a slut so don’t put yourself down. If you need to talk then you could send me a private message. Trust me, I’ve been through the same thing and I’m sure it’ll all work out for you

deni's avatar

I have had the same thing happen with someone that I really cared about at the time. I was really sad at first and felt used and slightly dirty about the whole thing BUT all you gotta realize is that someone that would do that to you isn’t worth your time or your feelings and you don’t need them around. It was hard at first but as long as you don’t hang around him, getting over the fact that it happened shouldn’t be hard since he has already proven he’s a dick and a waste of time.

Supacase's avatar

You aren’t going to like this, but he is not your friend. A friend would not treat you like that. Not only did he use you, he belittled you to others and damaged your reputation after the fact. Asshole.

I wouldn’t have anything to do with him anymore. Don’t be rude if you see him; that just shows he has the power to upset you. Be completely disinterested. If he shows up, say “Oh, hi” then turn to talk to another friend or, if none is available nonchalantly start texting instead of paying attention to him.

deni's avatar

@Supacase really good advice. It makes it so much easier to have nothing to do with him. And if you do see him, well, the best revenge is living well, so don’t even bother trying to be friendly with someone that screwed you over. “Hi” and then be on your merry way :)

Ashleyh429's avatar

This bond we have is unhealthy,
This thing of love and hate.
We differ back and forth,
And in this time of late
I have concluded that alas,
This relationship must end.
I’d wish to stay by your side,
Person I once called friend.
But you’ve caused me too many tears,
Embodiment of my fears.
No longer shall you hear my voice,
N’er a whisper to your ear.
For I am gone, no longer to linger,
For you to see me with thine eye.
So alas I bid you adieu, one last farewell, goodbye…

*I wrote this to vent about him, after I blocked him on every level I found possible…

Ashleyh429's avatar

Sorry, I’m a poetry addict… :) It makes me feel better…

markyy's avatar

Well that’s how poets ‘deal with it’ isn’t it. Great job.

galileogirl's avatar

The 1st time it is being used, after that it is asking to be used.

Ashleyh429's avatar

@galileogirl Definitely not…

poofandmook's avatar

@galileogirl: It’s called “learning the hard way.” Not asking for it. That was ridiculously calloused. Guess we can’t all be as perfect as you, eh?

galileogirl's avatar

Learning the hard way is picking up a hot pan and burning your hand. Picking up a hot pan over and over again is just ridiculous. Refusing to warn someone the pan is hot is ridiculously calloused.

poofandmook's avatar

People are not hot pans. People are capable of not doing the same thing they did last time. They are not bound to the laws of science (pan will get hot if placed on fire). Bad analogy.

So Ashley is too trusting. That doesn’t mean she ASKED for it. Means she’s looking for the good in people. Which is being not calloused.

Ashleyh429's avatar

@galileogirl Try having a heart and actually thinking about the consequences. We’re people, not pans. I did not asked to be burned. I was willing to forgive him because he was my friend. The first time I was willing to believe that he was so obsessed with his ex that he would have done anything. I’m trusting and forgiving. It gets me hurt, but I did not ask for what happened to me… If I had asked for what happened to me, I wouldn’t have spent the last few months crying over it whenever I thought about it. I cried every night for one month straight. This has tormented me worse than you will ever know because you don’t have a heart. Otherwise you wouldn’t say something like that to someone who is still dealing with the pain.

poofandmook's avatar

@Ashleyh429: Don’t bother… she doesn’t care. That’s her deal here… heartless. You’ll figure that out eventually.

Ashleyh429's avatar

@poofandmook I think I already did…

filmfann's avatar

Yes, I have. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I regret it, but it is still a comforting memory.

Supacase's avatar

@Ashleyh429 Don’t worry about it anyway – I’ve burned myself on a pan more than once and it doesn’t mean I’m a moron; I just wasn’t paying attention. Yes, we learn from our mistakes, but sometimes it takes more than once. I wonder if anyone here got the ABCs in one take, never tripped over their own feet than once, only overslept that one time or just shoved their foot in their mouth a once upon a time. Most of us are just human. ;-)

HGl3ee's avatar

I think that nearly everyone has been used in one way or another. Of course there are varying degrees for this topic.

I personally have been used and abused on a few different occasions. All things that I could clearly see was happening after the fact. It hurt at first because I felt that I had let myself down by allowing it to happen. But that’s what happens when you are used, you are unaware (or choose to ignore the signs) The biggest part of dealing with it is tellling yourself that had you been able to choose, you would not have let it happen to yourself. We are only human and hindsight is 20/20. But, luckily, as humans we have the intelligence to take our past mistakes, learn from them and apply the new knowledge to our future.

“Do it once, shame on you. Do it twice, shame on me!” Your “friend” did it once and that was a real jerk move. You did what most anyone would do and forgave him, giving him a second chance. He had the chance to be your freind and treat you with the respect that you deserve but he didn’t and that is NOT your fault. All he deserves now is to be completely cut out of your life.

Good Luck and know that you deserve better <3 – LB

galileogirl's avatar

@Ashleyh429 @poofandmook @Supacase Interesting that your generosity of spirit and kindness extends to people who hurt you (or is that a little masochistic?) An accident is one thing, seeking out a cad is something else altogether. Since you seem to be unfamiliar with figures of speech, get this: Share your heart with people who are worthy of it-don’t give it to someone who treats it like garbage.

poofandmook's avatar

@galileogirl: Nobody ever seeks out the person that hurt them saying “oh, goodie!! I’m going to get hurt again!” People who use people are manipulative, and are very good at lulling others into security and then hurting them again. If we went by your rules, nobody who ever screwed up would ever get a second chance at anything. In this case, trusting the guy again was a mistake on Ashley’s part, it was certainly not asking for more pain. It was a mistake.

galileogirl's avatar

Screwing up is one thing, screwing someone over is something else entirely and doing it more than once is purposeful. The guy was bad news and recognizing/avoiding bad news is a matter of survival. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, get the hell out of my life. Fool me three times, well…

poofandmook's avatar

@galileogirl: Yes, it’s a matter of survival. And sometimes people falter. She faltered. That’s why someone invented band-aids. For all the times we get hurt because we make mistakes, not go out into the world planning to do harm to ourselves.

galileogirl's avatar

So you do understand figures of speech or did she actually use a bandaid. lol

poofandmook's avatar

Yes. I understand figures of speech. I just do not recognize poorly fitting ones.

I’m done arguing with you… you’d have to have some modicum of normal human emotion and/or compassion for this.

Supacase's avatar

@galileogirl Of course I was upset for a while; however, being able to look back with forgiveness relieves me of the burden of carrying the anger around. If I continue to hate them for whatever they have done, they still have as much power over me as if I loved them. They eventually become just another person in the world. Sometimes the person I have to forgive is myself and the event has to become just another life experience. Either way, being able to just accept and move on is much healthier and makes for a happier life. I don’t think kindness is ever inappropriate.

Sabotage82's avatar

I have been used by several people. People don’t usually mean anything by it. They are just looking out for themselves. Once they realize what they have done they will typically feel bad about it, whether they admit to it or not…unless they are a total dick like some I know. lol.

bunnygrl's avatar

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You have to remember though that you did nothing wrong. You did not deserve this, and I promise that time will pass and you’ll feel better eventually. I had a breakdown a few years ago and had to literally re-build myself. I’m still shaky and not as strong a person as I was, but I learned so much from the process, Hell though it was, to go through. Part of what I learned about myself is that I am a sap :-). I should explain. I was raised with the fundemental rule that being greedy was wrong. If you were not willing to share, you did not deserve whatever it was. I still believe this, I always will. Unfortunately, i made friends in school who are just world class users. I mean I could tell you stories that would make your hair stand on end, and the worst part of it was that i just put up with it. As I say I had a breakdown and was very very ill for a long time. and in trying to re-build myself I was forced to look at my life far more closely than was comfortable. I looked back at the past and I am so angry at myself. it was like scales fell off my eyes and I could see things clearly for the first time ever. Funnily enough, as hurtful, spiteful, callous and manipulative as they had been over the 25 years or so, I can’t be angry with them. Only with myself. After all I allowed it, I allowed them to steal, lie and mooch to a baffling degree etc from me. Maybe someday I’ll be able to transfer this anger where it belongs, who knows. I’ve never ever been able to hold grudges though and that is my weakness.

Friends should always be there for you, Ashley, Always. No ifs or buts. Just as you are for them. Thing is, the world is full of wonderful people (took me a long time to be able to see that) but it is, and the users, the jerks, the people who hurt you just for the sake of it, or for their own convenience, or to make themselves feel better about their own life, I do believe they are in the minority. I also believe they are drawn to people they can use. I do get the impression that you are a lovely person, try not to let this person stop you from seeing the good in others, because it is there. Think of yourself though honey, be kind to yourself and don’t let this person hurt you again. I had to do that. There were a few things they did after my breakdown that hurt me so much they almost pushed me backwards down the road I’d travelled to getting well again, so I decided I could either let them hurt me or decide not to. I cut off contact with them because I have a weakness where these friends are concerned. I still love them both but I acknowledge that I mean less than nothing to them. There are no easy answers, but stay strong and know you are a wonderful person who is worth a whole universe more than this person. Sending you hugs xx

filmfann's avatar

@bunnygrl welcome to fluther Lurve.

bunnygrl's avatar

@filmfann Thank you <throws heaps of hugs> this is such a lovely friendly place, everyone has been so welcoming, I’m so glad I found you guys yesterday <hugs> xx

mattbrowne's avatar

Flutherites use me to answer some of their questions.

filmfann's avatar

(blushing) Suddenly find the need to check this question

Response moderated
Violet's avatar

have you ever seen She’s All That? Well, that basically happened to me.

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