Should I act on my attraction to another man?

Yes, stay away from the other guy. You’d hurt yourself and you’d hurt someone you love.
Cheating never works.

How old are you? If this is your first serious boyfriend, it’s possible that the relationship is too serious, too soon. It’s not uncommon to be attracted to other people.

Extra-pair copulations did once tend to confer certain adaptive benefits on females, and we are, after all, a product of our evolutionary past, but since these former genetic benefits are now mooted by our modern manner of living, you are free not to act on every stray impulse.

This is not my first serious relationship. But this is the most serious I’ve ever been with a guy. This man is my soulmate and I really want to stay with him. I’m just really attracted to this other guy. I know that it’s normal to feel attracted to other people sometimes in a relationship. I’m just not sure how far I would go. Should I tell my boyfriend what I’m feeling?? I hate keeping secrets

This is your “stuff” and I would not burden your boyfriend with it. I’ve been in similar situations and you can cause a lot of pain to your SO by telling him about it. If you decide to act on it, that is a different story and maybe you should tell your SO, but not if it is only a strong attraction. Only you can decide if you want to jeopardize what you characterize as a soulmate relationship for a strong sexual attraction. If you don’t want to, the best thing to do would be to stay away from the other guy. Or break off with the boyfriend and you are free to act on the attraction. It’s not easy…..

If you and your boyfriend have an agreed-upon exclusive relationship, you have no right to be thinking about whether you should act on your attraction to someone else.

Within the parameters of honesty and honorable behavior, at this point you only have two options. One, you can decide you need to explore your feelings further. If you make that choice, you do it by changing the parameters of your current relationship. Thus, you go to your boyfriend and you say, “I need to see other people. I would rather that we not break up, but I will understand if you make that decision.”

Or, you decide you do not want to jeopardize what you have and you let go of acting on this attraction. You get your appetite where you will, but you bring it home to your relationship. You work on reconnecting with your boyfriend and remembering why you fell for him to begin with. If, after you put real time and effort into it, it is not working out, then you break up with your guy and consider exploring the attraction.

What you absolutely do not have the right to do is make a unilateral decision to have you boyfriend and explore your attraction too.

As to telling him about the attraction, from the way you have written it, you want to tell him to ease your guilt burden. If nothing has happened yet, you are just trying to share the pain. How is that a positive thing for your boyfriend?

GA @Marina! Really GA!

I, too, struggle with this issue. I love my wife, and do not ever want to leave her, but I am constantly attracted to other women. I’ve thought about this a lot, and my current theory is that it is related to creativity. When I am obsessive, I fantasize a lot, and when I fantasize a lot, I seem to have more ideas and more capacity for following up on those ideas. I’m only speaking about ideas to write about, not anything concrete in the real world.

I’m not sure I’m addicted to falling in love or to sex, but they do take up a lot of my “brain time,” so to speak. I think I get a lot out of obsessing, and it’s easiest for me to obsess over someone, not a project. I guess it’s the muse concept.

I find it restrictive that monogamy is the social norm. It creates cognitive dissonance for me that my wife has told me she will not put up with me being involved with anyone else. I think she doesn’t see how I could love her and someone else. I suppose I am probably fooling myself that this is possible, but I’ve believed it all my life. I don’t know what to do, other than to write about these impulses here. I hope that by confessing them to anonymous strangers, it will take the place of confessing to my wife, and it will defuse or diminish these feelings. It’s almost as if I’m trying to lecture myself.

I really, really appreciate what @Marina has to say about this, although, it does raise the issue of how one should define “nothing,” as in “nothing has happened yet…” Is fantasy nothing? Is writing down fantasies nothing? Is obsessing nothing? I take no actions in the real world, but it sure takes a lot of “brain time.” Even taking that “brain time” makes me feel guilty. Writing it down makes me feel even more guilty. I think that writing it down actually encourages me to take even more “brain time.” It feels dangerous because I’m not at all sure I can control it. I failed to control it once in the past.

I guess my choice is not to act on my attraction except to write it down and to fantasize about it. That still feels like cheating to me, but then, I have a lot of guilt. Still, it seems better than actually doing something in the real world. It seems like a form of control. It is sublimation and re-channeling that energy.

Maybe that will work for you. Maybe that’s too much.

Translating @pdworkin NO

The attraction only seems intense because you can’t act on it – remember it’s really unlikely that this guy would be all that amazing in bed (few people are) and if it’s just a physical thing and you got a good soulmate thing going on with another, stick to them

@pdworkin Did you mean “free to not act on every stray impulse” or “not free to act on every stray impulse”?

Free not to act. Animals must act. We have the freedom to monitor inbuilt behaviors that were once adaptive, and modify them. The OP may allow her Chimpanzee brain to go ahead and fuck the desirable male, or she may behave like a human, and weigh the costs and benefits consciously. I was wondering why I required translation.

Yes, I see your point. “Not free to act” is coming from the imposition of an outside moral system; “free not to act” is an interior decision.

Bingo, dolling.

Isn’t it dollink?

I don’t have access to the symbols of the International Phonetic Alphabet, but I assure you that I pronounce it “dolling.”

@ daloon, Youre right on point. This is exactly what I’m feeling. I feel guilty just thinking about this other guy. He takes up so much of my “brain time”. I feel so bad but I know if I tell my boyfriend he would be really upset. (even though I haven’t technically done anything…yet) The thing is, knowing me, I might just act on it. So how do I stop this before it happens? Now I realize why so many ppl cheat

@Justnice I’m sorry my answer was so cryptic, but in all modesty, I think it is the answer you are looking for. Something deep within you has chosen the new man as a possible mate, but it is an unreasoning process. That doesn’t mean it isn’t real. It’s very real, and I see that it is important to you. The problem is that it also seems to pose a danger to you. I hope you do not act on your impulse, because I think you and your boyfriend will both be happier if you don’t, but if you do, I certainly understand. These motivations are powerful and hard-wired, and we can’t always act the way we know we should. We are only human, after all.

I hope for my boyfriends sake and for the sake of our relationship that I don’t do anything stupid. I’m going to try my hardest to stay away from this new guy. I guess it’s time to find out how much self control I really have. It’s all up to me now

You just got a “Great Answer” from me.

Mumble, mumble “right on point” and yet no GA (at this moment)... mumble mumble…

Self control. Self control. This is a sore topic for me. There’s desires and there’s consequences and I guess the only thing that helps us control ourselves is understanding the possible consequences and deciding whether the risk of getting caught is worth the risk of trying something and finding it doesn’t really work. If you aren’t caught, you get to go back to boyfriend with none the wiser. If you find the new guy is much better, you can break off with boyfriend.

Of course, these are selfish things, and they are not a good way to treat people you care about. The honorable thing to do is to either discuss it with boyfriend, and say you want to do this even though you still love him (like he will believe that!), or to break off with boyfriend to be with new guy.

There’s risks either way you play it. The least risky course is to do nothing. Do you gamble?

I think you have to have a kind of willful blindness to gamble. You have to discount risk very steeply. Is that who you are? I doubt it if you ask this question.

A lot of people try to have both. They sneak around. Some are caught and some aren’t. Some can live with themselves if they get away with it (although surely you will respect your boyfriend less if he doesn’t catch on), and some don’t mind being totally contrite and grovelling if they get caught.

They say that guys think with what’s between their legs. I guess women do, too. Maybe not quite as much. I think you know the right thing to do, but you are still sorely tempted. You understand the risks. Depending on what kind of level of risk you find acceptable, you will either control your impulses, or you will give in. You may later try to make it sound as if you were out of control, or were thinking with your gonads. Try not to fool yourself.

It really is your choice and it’s your life, and you know the risks. If you cheat and are caught, it’s not the end of the world. There will be personal and social consequences, but most people get over it in the fullness of time. I think if you weren’t an honorable person, you wouldn’t ask this question. I think you really don’t want to do it, but something still feels overpowering. I know that feeling. I wish I could tell you a surefire way to do what’s right, but I can’t.

@daloon do you really get grump about not getting GAs?

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Not usually. It only bothers me when someone says it’s a GA but doesn’t actually press the GA button. It feels sort of hollow, like cotton candy.

I have this thing that people don’t really mean what they say unless they back it with hard cash. So, for example, I think that what I think and write is pretty much useless because I’ve never been paid for my writing. I know that probably isn’t true, but that’s how I feel. All part of the syndrome, I suppose.

@daloon – I give you GAs whan the A is G, even though I have long ago maxed out on you. I like to be acknowleged, too.

I would bring up the topic in a general sense with your boyfriend, as in, “Do you ever meet women that you think you could be attracted to?” and talk about it in a general sense, because, if he truly is your soulmate, you should be able to. You can answer in all honesty that you find this person attractive, but not so much that you would act upon it, and that’s why you and your boyfriend are discussing the concept of attractiveness to other people, and not discussing breaking up or cheating.

Could it be that this second man is deliberately trying to attract you, for the conquest of attracting someone who is “taken”?

A fleeting attraction is one thing, but when someone else starts taking up a lot of your “brain time,” it’s more of a serious problem. I’ve always thought it was wrong that our culture places such a high value on long, monogamous relationships. This second person may not ever be that fascinating on their own; probably a large part of your interest in them is that it would give you a change from your current routine. Maybe you’re feeling stifled by being with the same person for two years, and the thought of being with him forever if he is your soulmate. It would be monstrously unfair for you to cheat on your boyfriend. You do have free will, and you can resist the other guy’s advances if you really want to. I don’t agree with most people’s advice in this thread that you should suppress your feelings and stay with your boyfriend, no matter what. If you don’t at least examine this issue in some way, you will end up unhappy. I would tell the boyfriend that you need some time to think about where this is going, at the very least. Whether you end up with him, or the other guy, or single for a while, at least you need to take some time away from both of them and make a clear decision.

So I would like to announce that I told my boyfriend about me being attracted to another guy and he totally went off!! Like crazy!! I really didn’t expect that but now he’s saying that if I’m attracted to this other guy then I must like him. He’s saying that if I’m attracted to this man then what’s gonna stop me from having sex with him. I feel horrible. I wish I had never said anything. He’s angry and doesn’t want to speak to me right now. This is so stupid considering the fact that I didn’t even do anything!!!

He is just as bound to his evolutionary history as you are to yours. Males in committed couples have hardwired responses to what once were threats to the propagation of his genes, that is to say, extreme reaction to the possibility of non-paternity, just as your desire for another man is most probably because of the genetic advantages that extra-pair copulations showered on females.

Give him time to stop reacting from the hard-wired part of his brain, and soon you will be able to talk calmly. In the meantime, try not to get angry, and try to reassure him. He can’t help his feelings any more than you can help yours.

He’s saying that if I’m attracted to this man then what’s gonna stop me from having sex with him.

This whole scenario has been going on in your head for awhile, and he needs space to catch up. I agree with @pdworkin. Once he calms down, you will be able to talk about it. He needs to figure out that, if he’s your soulmate, you need to be able to talk to each other about what’s going on. He needs to realize you do have impulse control where other people are concerned.

How long should I give him time to work it out?? Should I try to explain now

I suggest that you just reassure him now, and tell him that as soon as he is ready you will talk as much as he needs to.

I tried to explain but he’s not listening. He just keeps repeating that he can’t believe I like another man. I explained that it’s only a physical attraction and nothing more but he doesn’t want to hear it. I don’t know what to do

Calm down, breathe, try not to get too anxious, and wait for him to calm down. Don’t forget to be reassuring. Don’t discuss the big topic right now.

well at least you were honest – never regret that

Now you know how he would feel about it if you did it. Hell, he feels pretty much the same knowing that you are interested in someone else. I think you may have an opening to say that you are only trying to understand how to deal with these things. You don’t want to leave him (assuming you don’t). Now that you understand how he feels, you won’t do anything (assuming you won’t).

Maybe you can pass it off as a passing attraction. The thing is that he feels really insecure now about your relationship, and he doesn’t know if he can trust you (to remain committed to him). I hope you can regain his trust, but if you can’t, then you’ve learned a lot, and you’ll be free to do what you want.

I agree with @Simone_De_Beauvoir that you should never regret being honest. You want him to know you, and you’re sorry it hurts him. You don’t know what to do, because you want to be able to share your life with him, but if it is going to affect him like this, then it makes it hard for you to share. Perhaps you had hoped to work it out with him. You were exploring your feelings, and hoped he would be able to do that with you. You had not planned to do anything; you just needed to get it out of your system.

It is shocking to hear such a thing, because you don’t know what it means. Does this mean you might leave him? Who are you, anyway? Those kinds of thoughts. The problem is that you don’t know what it means. All you know is that it was bothering you, and you don’t know what to do about it, but you don’t want to be dishonest with him. Maybe ask him to please try to process it with you. You understand that he’s hurt and you don’t blame him for feeling that way. It was important to you to find out what would happen if you follow these impulses.

I don’t know. It’s tough. I hope he will be willing to openly discuss these things, as hard as it is. However, he may be hurt too much for that.

Well I hope that he can get past this. I guess looking at it from his perspective, he’s really insecure right now because I might possibly be thinking about someone else. He has explained a little to me. He said that he’s scared that I might leave him. Or even worse, he’s scared that I might like this guy more than what I’m admitting to. He thinks I’m not telling the whole story because I don’t want to hurt him. But in all honesty, I am telling him the truth. This is nothing more than a physical attraction. What can I do to make him see that? I’m sure that he’s been attracted to other girls before. It never bothered me this much

Have you told him that you regard him as your soul mate, and as such you need to be able to know that it’s safe to talk with him about everything, because you have to be able to trust him with your life? Talking about difficult, complicated subjects the first time is hard.

Personally, you should not have told him about this ‘other infatuation’. That could either hurt the relationship or I guess in a way it can strengthen it.

If you truly love your boyfriend you need to committ to him one hundred percent but if you are looking at another man you need to either let your boyfriend go so you do not continue to hurt him further or you just need to walk away from both and really figure out, within yourself, who it is you love and who it is you want to be with.

You could even make a pro and cons list if you need to. But you should not be leading your boyfriend as you are, and telling him that you are thinking about another guy? That is rude and hurtful. If he were doing that to you I’m sure you would not appreciate it. I’m not trying to sound mean but what you are doing is not fair to either one of you really.

How much are you attracted to this other man? If you think about him more than anything else perhaps it is more than attraction.

Ultimately you have to make a decision. You have to look at the big picture and really decide what is best for you and for your boyfriend. But do not let it drag on.

Stay away from the other guy or tell your boyfriend how you feel depending on how open the 2 of you are. You have to make a decision though. Don’t cheat though or let yourself be put in a situation where you would do anything you would feel like hiding from your current SO