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Haleth's avatar

How important is commitment to you?

Asked by Haleth (16214 points ) October 14th, 2009

It seems like the most flutherers are very supportive of long-term relationships. How do you know when you have found The One? Do you think there are times when a person can be genuinely happier on their own? There are others who almost never commit to one person for a long period of time. If you are this kind of person, is it because you haven’t found the right partner yet, or do you just like the independence? Would you go your whole life without getting married, or do you think it’s necessary?

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29 Answers

DarkScribe's avatar

Would you go your whole life without getting married,

I would if I hadn’t found the right person. After my first marriage ended I was resigned to a life of casual relationships – experienced it for several years. But that changed when I met my wife.

dpworkin's avatar

The sine qua non of life with my darling companion.

filmfann's avatar

I have been married once, for 25 years now.
I have never been happier.
But if she dies, or leaves me, thats it for me.
I have known some people who seem better on their own. I can’t imagine it for me.

Facade's avatar

Being single isn’t good for my psyche. I think people were meant to pair up.

rangerr's avatar

I think when you find the one, you know. I’m not married, but I know that if my relationship doesn’t end up with us getting married, it’s going to be quite a long time before I start looking for another relationship.. It’s such a strong feeling that I can’t imagine NOT having my boy around.
I believe people need people to survive, and once you find someone and fall in love with them, it’s nor replaceable.

Darwin's avatar

I was ready to go my whole life without getting married, but then I met The One. Despite our differences (he puts way more sugar in his teriyaki sauce than I do) he just fit.

I was perfectly happy on my own and had lots of projects going. My house was clean, and things always stayed where I put them. Once my husband dies and the kids leave home I will go back to living just for me (and sometimes a grandbaby or two).

It is statistically true that married people tend to live longer than those who are single, but such is also true of those who have lots of friends versus people who are solitary.

After all, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” Irina Dunn, 1970

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I have found my one great love though I’ve loved plenty before. We are married but in an open relationship. We have children together and are committed to working through whatever life throws at us – we are stronger together and really miss each other when apart.

RedPowerLady's avatar

I have been with The One since I was 18 years old. We’ve been happily together for 8 years now and plan to be together for the rest of our lives. We’ve already survived great trauma together. Commitment is very important to me as I understand how beneficial it has been in our relationship and in my life.

About marriage though. We still are not married. Now that we are expecting our second child we are considering getting married a couple years after our child is born, just for practical purposes. So I could imagine going my whole life without being married but not without my partner.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

I think almost everyone can imagine enjoying a single life forever, but even the ones who swear to it just haven’t met the right one in my opinion… everything changes, and you can’t describe it. I used to hate when my mom would tell me, “When you know, you just know.” because it didn’t make sense to me and was a frustrating answer for someone who wants the answer. But, it’s the truth!

BBSDTfamily's avatar

Oh yeah and for the main question… commitment is everything. Really. The “big 3” I think are love, trust, and respect. You have to be committed to be able to give all three of those all of the time b/c it is tough at times.

kheredia's avatar

I believe it’s in human nature to want to be with somebody even if that somebody is not the right person. That is why there are failed marriages and why some people are stuck in a dead end relationship. However, I do believe that happiness comes when you’ve found the right person. Whether you get married or not is up to the couple but being committed to each other is part of a healthy relationship. If you don’t have commitment, then you don’t have a relationship. I don’t believe people who bounce from one relationship to another or spend a lot of time being single are really happy until they have a steady relationship.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

How can you ever form a meaningful relationship with anyone without commitment?

DarkScribe's avatar

@The_Compassionate_Heretic How can you ever form a meaningful relationship with anyone without commitment?

It depends on the meaning. If it just means sexual fun and games – then it is easy. Friends with benefits is a new expression – but the concept is old. I have had many relationships with women who I love but was not “in love” with. They are still both meaningful and a relationship. True friends – many of whom are still friends.

Haleth's avatar

@The_Compassionate_Heretic that’s sort of what I was trying to get at by asking this question. I believe that things like love and meaning can be fleeting, and I’m a very live in the moment kind of person. I’m glad that people can be happy with one person for a very long time/ forever, but being happy with someone for a short time can be just as valid.

Zen's avatar

How important is committment to me? VERY VERY IMPORTANT. -Need a partner first.—

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

@Haleth That feeling, too, is a fleeting thing.
There may come a time that you do settle down with one person.
Everything changes.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Interesting question. I’ve been wondering if a predictor of the success of a relationship is if both parties have the same level of commitment to partnership in a relationship. I tend to be more focused on what I can put into a relationship, my husband is all about what he gets out of the relationship. The sense of commitment is not not balanced. He is like that with all his relationships, even with our children, although he would say otherwise. They’ve said the same thing about their father.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Very important. I’m a serial monogamist meaning I’ve had only a few relationships that I’ve gone all in for, put aside a lot of easy distraction for and so far, few regrets.

ratboy's avatar

Frankly, it scares the hell out of me. I don’t think the state should have the power to place someone in an institution against their will. I’m not a danger to myself or anyone else who doesn’t piss me off!

nisse's avatar

For me, the word “committed” comes with many bad connotations, for example you expect the person you’re in the relationship with to be there for you 100%, to always do what you want. In a way sort of an emotional blackmail on the other party. “You are not commited to this relationship” usually means “You didn’t do what i wanted you to do”.

From personal experience I think the healthiest relationships are the ones where both are mature enough to realize that you are not one person. Play your own ballgame, do what you like, give eachother time to do what you want and be by yourself. If it happens that you during this time like to hang out, live together, or do fun stuff together, fine. But don’t grow into a siamese twin with your partner – you need to have some emotional distance (a wall, a mindspace that is your own) or things will get really emotional once you realize your parnter doesn’t share all of of your values. If you have the maturity to realize you are an independent person, this will not bother you, but instead you will appreciate the other person for having a different standpoint.

That’s my stance on commitment, and i find it makes me happier. I dont have kids though, and i suspect that changes the deal radically, but then you are commited to your kids, not your spouse.

Also i belive the myth of “the one” is ridiculous and probably one of the most harmful and poisonous beliefs of the 19th, 20th and 21st century, propagated by Shakesphere and Romeo and Juliet, and more recently Hollywood and romantic fiction. I think if you do some of your own research (ask people, read books, think it over with a critical standpoint), you will come to the conclusion that it’s simply not true, and that the idea of “the one” has spawned probably more psychological grief than any other idea in our present day. There are plenty of people out there that you could be perfectly happy with if you just let go of the myth of “the one”. Atleast for me this realization was very liberating.

CMaz's avatar

I am committed to it.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Personally, I think commitment is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. I met “the one” a little over a year ago, and we have stayed strong through all of my many blunders. A friend who recently broke up with a long term girlfriend said to me that he envied me because we are so trusting. I don’t feel a need to prowl around behind her back, because we are perfectly open and neither of us has a need or want to hide anything.

My relationship is the benchmark against which I measure all others, because as far as I can see I am in the perfect relationship with the perfect girl – and I value commitment more than almost anything else, because I never want to lose her.

Is “the one” an appropriate term? My aunty probably thought so of her ex-husband at the start. Of course we do not know the future, only what we wish it to be.

zephyr826's avatar

Commitment is important to all relationships, whether or not they are romantic. John Adams wrote “There are only two creatures of value on the face of this earth – those with a commitment and those who require the commitment of others”.

wundayatta's avatar

I think commitment is very important. I think it is important to work hard to gain and maintain someone’s trust, and commitment is part of that. I think we have commitments all over the place, not just with a spouse or a lover.

I don’t think it takes a “one true love” or a “the one” in order to make a commitment. Many people are “the one” until they are no longer, and then you realize they really weren’t “the one,” and a new “the one” comes along.

I think there are many possible “the ones” for all of us. Which one become the “the one” is largely a matter of chance. But it doesn’t matter if you are with the one or not, nor who you are relating to; commitment is crucial to any relationship. And for that, you have to establish the boundaries of the relationship and the definition of the commitment, and then stick to it.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

re: daloon

The One= the one you have chosen to commit to and I wholeheartedly agree I also believe there are several someones for everyone.

patg7590's avatar

I’m 19 and married
so i’d say very important.

justme1's avatar

Very important, unless it is like a one night stand, if you want a ood loving relationship then it is almost impossible without each partner’s committment. I know if my SO wasn’t committed to me I would feel un comfortable and wouldn’t want to be with him. Fortunately we are both commited to staying with each other for life

Oxymoron's avatar

Commitment is very important to me. It branches out to every aspect of life.

Coloma's avatar

@nisse

Well said!

I’d add, (to the illusion of the ‘one’,) another, which is the term ‘forever.’
Forever messes with people every bit as much as the ‘one.’ hahaha

Commitment is important in a sustainable relationship but there are multiple ‘ones’ for everybody and ‘forever’ is a looooong time…I think commitments should be renewed and re-evaluated periodically to see if they still fit the needs of both parties in a particular place and time.

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