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jackm's avatar

Ex girlfriend - Should I get back together?

Asked by jackm (6178 points ) October 25th, 2009

I still have feelings for an ex, and I know I could get back together with her if I made the first move. The problem is that she is not making a move to get back together with me.

Should I go for it? Or does the fact that she is not trying mean that it wouldn’t be the same as it was before.

We broke up because she cheated on me. So I feel like me trying to get back together would mean I was being used. But I also keep thinking that its just me being vain and I should do it because it would make me happy.

Would this happiness be a lie? (I’m afraid it would be)

A little guidance would be nice. Since this is my life, I can’t look at it objectively.

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22 Answers

dpworkin's avatar

All I know is, all the King’s horses, and all the King’s men had no luck getting Humpty Dumpty back together.

laureth's avatar

Only you can answer this, really, but here’s something more to think about. Would you be okay with her cheating on you again? Or would it pretty much break you? Because if she did it before and hasn’t significantly changed, she may do it again.

You say she’s not making the moves to get back with you – is there a good reason why? Is she with someone else? If she cheated on you and now isn’t trying to get back with you, maybe that is a clue that her thoughts lie elsewhere.

You know how when you drop a plate and it breaks and you glue the pieces back together, it is never really the same as it was before? Relationships are like that, too. You may want it to be “like it was,” but it won’t be. If you are OK with that and can approach it with that in mind, that may help.

On the other hand, most exes are ex for a reason. (Reason being, it didn’t work the first time.) Why this one? There are many other people out there who haven’t screwed you over. Perhaps one of them is more suitable?

As my friend’s wise old grandma used to say, “You know what you have. You do not know what you will have.” If you get back with her, you pretty much know what you’ll get. But you don’t know how it will be with someone else…

filmfann's avatar

If you truely love this woman, go for it, but make sure she regrets what she did.
Then, forgiver her absolutely.

troubleinharlem's avatar

Right… I didn’t get that metaphor. It’s a bit too advanced. xD

But, were you happy with her in the first place? Really, really happy? Or do you just feel like you can’t do any better and that you have to be with someone?

wow. That didn’t help. xD

gailcalled's avatar

We broke up because she cheated on me. That answers your question. You are thinking in circles.

troubleinharlem's avatar

@gailcalled – touché. but, second chances are good… this is tough.

jackm's avatar

She’s not with anyone.
She says she feels really bad
She was suicidal when I broke up after I found out.
She’s really bad at apologizing, we had issues with it when we were dating.

BhacSsylan's avatar

@jackm that all points to someone who’s trying to use you, frankly. She says she feels really bad, but has she actually changed much? You say she does not seem interested in you, but nothing you said has explained why she would be in to you and not show it. and why would this lack of interest not lead her to cheat again?

Secondly someone going suicidal (and not succeeding) after a breakup is almost always a cry for attention and pity, and a cheap shot at the guy who did the breaking off. I’ve seen it happen to several friends. If you don’t mind, could you explain that situation a bit more? because that would help in determining if it was real or not. If no, don’t worry, that’s pretty personal.

And lastly, in my opinion, being bad at apologizing is a bad flaw in a girlfriend (or a boyfriend, of course). This is me personally talking, but i find if a girlfriend is doing something wrong, and refuses to say that I’m not wrong, it can make me feel like crap, because i feel like I’m constantly wrong. But, that’s also just me.

So, in total, i think it’s a bad idea. You’re setting yourself up for trouble, again, and to just cause you more pain. At the very least, i suggest going out with someone else for a while beforehand, to just be sure you like her, and it’s not just a need for companionship.

Edit: Oh, and I just noticed I used the female for most of the ‘bad’ examples in here. Sorry if I offended anyone, I know that the guy can be just as much of an ass, and in the same ways, so I’m sorry about that, if anyone cares.

jackm's avatar

@BhacSsylan
She said she had nothing more to live for. She said she was going to take pills. I took all her pills and knives. I also took her to counseling.

She has attempted suicide in the past and is on medication.

MrGV's avatar

Are you dumb? she cheated on you and you still want her back? where is your pride….

BhacSsylan's avatar

Hmm. Sorry, but that really sounds like the typical pity suicide attempt. If someone genuinely wants to commit suicide, they tend to succeed. Because if they do, they’re not going to tell someone with the direct power to stop them. Telling someone (especially someone so closely involved) that they’re going to do it is a cry for that person to pity them. So, keep in mind if you go back into this relationship, and ever want to get out of it, this is going to happen again.

That said, it did sound like you did precisely what you should in that instance, so kudos on that.

@MrGeneVan Well, just that alone is not a perfect reason not to consider it again. It’s the context around it that can decide whether the relationship is worth it to salvage.

jackm's avatar

@MrGeneVan
Can relationships ever get over that? I’ve never been cheated on, but don’t some couples deal with it without breaking up?

Or am I being naive?

BhacSsylan's avatar

@jackm No, it can be salvaged. I admit I’ve never been in the situation, but I believe people can change. That said, i also believe actions speak louder then words, so I’d need to see proof that my ex has changed. And in your situation, it sounds like you haven’t even gotten the words…

MrGV's avatar

Have you ever heard of the quote “Once a cheater, always a cheater”? which is probably pretty much true, but if feel your partner truly loves you you have about a 50% chance that your partner won’t cheat on you again.

jackm's avatar

@BhacSsylan
This is what I thought also. I tried getting back but it hurt. Then I told her I needed proof that she changed before I could see her again.

Shes made no move to contact me. I guess it just sucks to know the truth

Thanks for all your answers.

BhacSsylan's avatar

It tends to hurt in these situations. I’ll say this: perhaps the one biggest thing in a relationship, in my opinion, is trust. You need to have someone you know won’t cheat, who you trust to tell you when you’re right and wrong, who you trust will be there when you need them, and who won’t use your kindness, or willingness to be there when they need you, to hurt you.

This takes a while to build, and can take a lot of tries to find. But frankly, it feels damn good when you find it, and worth the effort.

/sappy speech

jackm's avatar

@BhacSsylan
Yeah, I guess I’ll just keep searching.
It just sucks after I’ve invested so much.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

No offense, but she’s your ex for a very good reason. I have an ex that is an ex for the same reason. Most of the time people who cheat do not change. Don’t regress. Move ahead and you will be better off.

Haleth's avatar

I think @BhacSsylan is right about the suicide attempt. She probably wanted a really big way to let you know that she felt bad about the cheating, but this move is also really freaking psycho.

I’m the type of person who won’t make any move to get back together with an ex after we’ve broken up. I just don’t enjoy pursuing people, exes least of all. Maybe she is the same way, and not hearing from her doesn’t mean she wouldn’t be open to the idea of getting back together. If she cheated, something was probably wrong with the relationship in the first place, and she sounds like a head case. You should move on.

Poser's avatar

Just think of how hurt you were when she cheated on you. Then ask yourself if you want to go through that again. If you get back together with her, you have a better than average chance of it happening again.

Believe it or not, you will get over her. It may take time. I had a therapist once tell me that it takes approximately half the total time of a relationship to “get over it.” Turns out she was right, in my case. I thought I’d never find real love after my divorce. But now, I have, and I’m glad I didn’t give my ex a second (actually it would have been about a tenth) chance.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I’ve been in your shoes and again, I agree with @pdworkin on this.

Jobes32's avatar

No recycling when it comes to relationships.

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