Social Question

Roory's avatar

Have you ever fallen for a guy with a girlfriend?

Asked by Roory (468 points ) November 9th, 2009

There is this guy I like for a while now, and I know he likes me back, we are always so cozzy and close to each other but the thing is he has a girlfriend in a far away city. Sometimes he gives me that look, that says it all, other times i feel like he is just being extra nice because we are close. I am lost and confused. Last saturday, we went clubbing together and we ended up dancing all night, but when I got drunk I had to stay away otherwise I would end up kissing him, is this normal? Why doesn’t he understand how much I like him? Is he so blind? I do not know what to do… and one more thing, I have never been jealous from anyone, but I am jealous from his girlfriend for having him !
PS: moving on does not help, i have tried !!

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20 Answers

janbb's avatar

It’s an easy situation to fall into but can be very painful for you. Try to keep an open mind about other guys around who might be available. If you can, limit your contact with this guy. Keep in mind that he has faults too and is probably not as perfect as he seems. Whatever you can do to wean yourself away from him will be good for you in terms of reducing your pain.

laureth's avatar

It sounds like, from what you’ve said, that he does understand how much you like him – the looks, the dancing: he wouldn’t be doing that if he didn’t feel something for you. But it’s also apparently true that he feels something for his far away girlfriend.

It is normal to feel like kissing him, especially when you’re drunk and your inhibitions are lower.

But as for what to do, I will ask you this: what if you were his girlfriend, would you want some other girl dancing all night with him, exchanging looks, trying not to kiss? You may be jealous of her, but if she’s a red-blooded normal girl, she will be even more jealous of you. After all, you’re there dancing with him, and she’s far away. What goes around comes around in life, and if t’were me, (and yes, I have fallen for a guy with a girlfriend, if “wife” counts as girlfriend), I would treat them the way I wanted to be treated.

If “moving on” isn’t going to happen, I don’t know what to tell ya. You sound like you’ve already made your decision – so I hope it all goes down with as little heartache and Jerry Springer drama as possible. Remember, if he’s willing to cheat on his girlfriend with you, it’s very likely he’ll cheat on you with someone else who’s pretty and drunk and looks at him all sweet – and then you would be in the position that you’ve put his girlfriend in. I wish you well.

Roory's avatar

@laureth “what goes around comes around” I do believe in that, which is why I have restrained from doing anything to jeoperdize his relationship with his girlfriend, I don’t want to be the girl who breaks up couples, but as you have already been there, you know how hard it is, and believe me moving on is even harder, I am trying but it is just so tough. All i wanna know is, if he knows how much I like him, then why doesnt he does something?? Why are guys so selfish !!

veronasgirl's avatar

Virtually the exact same situation happened to me, but instead of his girlfriend living far away, she lived right down the road, and she was a good friend of mine. I’ll tell you up front that he likes you. But you can’t make a move, period. He is really confused right now, he still cares about his girlfriend but he also likes you. But he isn’t sure whether he likes you enough to take any risks.
You can do what you want in your situation. For what it is worth, I told my guy how I felt. He was in love with me too. Then his girlfriend found out, he got scared, and I lost both him and my good friend in one day. It was the worst feeling in the world and it took me two years to recover from it.
Do yourself a favor and wait till he is single. If you two are meant to be, it will happen. But don’t force it right now because you want him, it won’t end well. He has to end his relationship with his girlfriend because he doesn’t want to be with her anymore, not because he wants someone else. That isn’t a good way to start off the relationship.
Just be very patient, and don’t obsess over this, go out with other guys, have a life. I know you will most likely ignore this advice, I ignored the advice that was given to me. But I am telling you that if you really want a relationship with him, wait. Wait till he is in a better emotional state, and then you might be able to have him, because if you make a move now it probably won’t end well.

janbb's avatar

@veronasgirl Great advice – I was just going to write something simliar.

Roory's avatar

@veronasgirl Actually this is exactly what my best friend told me to do, and I am trying to not do anything, but I am afraid to lose him if i go out with someone else! So I try to just hang around… buh thanks for telling me this :)

janbb's avatar

@Roory Tell yourself, if it’s meant to be, it will happen t some point. In the meantime, enjoy your life and if there are other guys in it, so much the better.

veronasgirl's avatar

@Roory, you can’t hit the Pause button on your life and wait for him to come around. That is completely unfair to you.
Surprisingly, seeing you with another guy might make him realize that he wants to be with you, or it may not. But don’t wait around for him forever, you may miss out on some wonderful experiences because you are so focused on the relationship in your head that you think could be great.

deni's avatar

I’ve been in the same situation and have totally not thought about how his girlfriend might feel. This was years ago though and now that I put myself in his girlfriends position I feel terrible about it. Of course it can be tempting but just try to keep yourself out of situations where you’ll want to do things with him that are more than friendly. And like I said, put yourself in her position. She probably worries about something like this happening all the time, since they’re long distance, so don’t make it harder for them….

aprilsimnel's avatar

Yup. Then I’d feel guilty because I immediately put myself in the gf’s place. But then I’d remember that just because I felt a certain way, I didn’t have to act on it. In this case, you have to stop this. Don’t give him an opportunity to play either of you. If he really likes you, he’ll do right by his current gf and let her go. As it is, he gets to have the emotional support of a gf, no matter how far away she is, and the opportunity for NSA snuggles and kisses.

And guys will act a certain way if they think it will give them some physical action that feels suspiciously like “Ooooh, he likes me!” to a woman. Take a breath, stand back from it in your mind and ask yourself if this surreptitious kissing and game playing is what you think you deserve, because if he’ll do this with you, he’ll do this with some other woman down the road.

deni's avatar

@aprilsimnel brings up a good point that if he’s doing this now with you while he has a girlfriend, do you really want to date him? If he breaks up with her and starts dating you, he might stumble upon another girl to snuggle with and dance with behind your back….keep that in mind maybe.

kevbo's avatar

If it were me, I’d want to get with you for a little while, but I’d need for you to be discrete and very cool about the whole thing. Until (and if) I decided to leave my gf, you’d need to be fine with being second priority and/or with the whole thing being very casual. It would be okay if that didn’t suit you, but that would be the most I could offer.

For me, it would be about appreciating the connection for what it is, but not necessarily making it more than for fun.

(Just a slut’s guy’s POV)

softtop67's avatar

I can offer another male POV.
There comes times in everyone’s life or relationships that these types of situation happen and it is a sign of character what you do with these situations. Play out your scenario but rather than him having a GF he has a wife, things are not going well with her and you pique his interest. Would you want to begin a life with someone who would forsake his commitment? I am guessing that I am a bit older than most of the respondents here but I assure you this situation will come up many times in someone’s life and though you do not think his actions are fair to you, his only real concern should be himself and the GF with whom he has a relationship with. We live in a world where jumping to the newest and latest is very easy, and although difficult to break this culture I see it as a test of one’s character

Judi's avatar

Put yourself in the girlfriends shoes and ask how you would feel about “you” if you were in her situation.
The guy is a player.
Unless you really like drama, you shouldn’t be drinking and dancing with a guy who has a girlfriend. You’re just asking for heat ache girlie.
edit: I didn’t read the previous posts before I posted. @laureth nailed it.

Iclamae's avatar

“All i wanna know is, if he knows how much I like him, then why doesnt he does something?? Why are guys so selfish !!”

@Roory This does not make him selfish, this makes him a good guy. If he feels anything for you, his hesitation is due to his love for his girlfriend. If he decided to drop whatever history they had just to be with you, it is likely he would be just as willing to do it to you later.
And if he just wanted an affair, I’m sorry but I’ve seen the pain affairs can cause the mistress (my best friend is still caught up in it after 5 years) and you really don’t want that. There’s never any guarantee that he will leave this girlfriend and run away with you.

Judi's avatar

Yes, this whole thing is already dysfunctional. It will end. it will be easier on you if it ends on YOUR terms and it’s YOUR decision. You are walking into misery if you pursue this, or do anything to facilitate his break-up. If there is ever any chance for you two to ever have a healthy relationship, you need to back off and let him resolve his other relationship before you do any more drinking and dirty dancing.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

This isn’t a popular scenario but I’ve seen it play out and even work for a few couples:

He/she is in a relationship with a distant SO and everyone knows it isn’t the greatest thing going but he/she sticks with it. You come along and there is interest and attraction even some platonic interaction. As you get to know each other, he/she is becoming comfortable, is really liking who you’ve turned out to be and they are thinking it might not be a bad risk to leave their not-so-hot relationship and give a go with you. His/her friends & family rejoice he/she has left the tepid relationship and has found something positive, reciprocal and great with you.

Do you know what kind of relationship they have? Some people’s friends will kind of talk if they see a new attraction building, they will give hints that either Red light you or Green light you. Do they talk where they can overheard about how he is treated or what he wants? Be careful, be respectful and be patient. He might enjoy the hell out of you but have no solid reason to go against his relationship and that’s fair because he made that choice against the possibility of other attractions.

sliceswiththings's avatar

I also had that situation earlier this fall. The guy and I started out as just snuggle buddies—seems tame, but it’s tricky to have an intimate snuggle and keep it platonic, for me. We kept resisting, knowing that we both wanted something, until finally things got out of hand and we hooked up for about a week. Him, me, and his girlfriend all go to a small school.

He was paid back in karma when his girlfriend announced that she is pregnant, and keeping the baby. Before we found this out, he was about decided to leave his girlfriend for me. I felt absolutely terrible about this. I’m terrified when I see her now that she’ll look at me and suddenly figure it out. The worst is that the boyfriend still wants to snuggle with me, which I don’t think would be possible to just snuggle.

The lesson learned for me was to keep resisting temptation. Although it was exciting and “forbidden,” it wasn’t worth the stress. I feel terrible for the girlfriend who is getting ready to have a baby with a guy who she doesn’t know has cheated on him, and might again.

My advise is to try to stay away from him just because it will make the temptation so much worse. If you’re worried about being drunk around him, try to not even put yourself in that position.

Lorenita's avatar

Yes.. I’ve been trough that situation.. and eventually he had to choose.. and he chose me =)

Roory's avatar

@Lorenita Well, congrats !!

I am gonna lay low for a while, just to see how he reacts, if there is no chance of him breaking up with his girlfriend, then im just gonna be a friend…. We’ll see how it goes !

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