Social Question

TitsMcGhee's avatar

How would you feel if one of your sexual partners blogged about his or her experience?

Asked by TitsMcGhee (8214 points ) November 11th, 2009

Here’s a hypothetical:

You meet someone that you have been periodically talking to on the internet in person, for a date. You already know that you have a lot of similar interests, and the conversation flows easily. You enjoy yourself tremendously, and you find this person’s personality engaging. The date lasts for hours, and you find yourself holding hands with this person, then kissing them, then going home with them. One thing leads to another, and, the next thing you know, it’s morning. Post-sex, there was cuddling and general romantic behavior, even though the person has expressed that he or she has no interest in “anything serious.” They invite you to continue spending time with them that morning, getting coffee and whatnot. After you part ways, the person contacts you twice that day.

In talking to them, after all is said and done, he or she openly tells you that they are the author of blog which, for the most part, recounts his or her sexual conquests and relationship ideals and realities. He or she shows it to you, and reassures you that names are changed and explicit details are not given. He or she does, however, use his or her real name, first and last. He or she offers to not write about you as well. Also note that you have made plans to see this person again prior to learning this.

The question is: are you uncomfortable knowing that you will be written about? Do you request that he or she not write about your encounter, even with a fake name? If you do, are you getting in the way of his or her artistic freedom? Would you be interested in seeing what he or she had to write about you, and, if so, why? Could that be construed as narcissistic? Do you think his or her writing would be influenced by the fact that he or she both knows that you will read the entry and is planning on seeing you again? How do you react to this information?

Overall, where does one draw the line between personal information and human interest?

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62 Answers

jrpowell's avatar

I would pop a squat and punch the junk.

I would be really mad.

XOIIO's avatar

LOL! I’d love to see the look on that person’s face!

Dr_C's avatar

I’d videotape @johnpowell dick-punching whoever did that.
Also… going out with that person again is not a bad thing.. as long as you are willing to take what comes with it. If they offered not to write about you it might not be such a big deal for them not to. If however you agree to be included in the blog you risk reading a critique about yourself that either you aren’t ready to see or will not like… which will not only take the mistery out of everything but can also ruin it.

jrpowell's avatar

I should clarify. If someone fucked me for a few cents from Google ads to have a story I would be livid. Even if they changed my name.

If it was like an autobiography and they mentioned what happened in the past I wouldn’t care.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@johnpowell: No, this isn’t like a retrospective/memoir type thing, this is a consistently updated blog, as close to “real time” as you can get without being twitter. I have, in all honesty, considered writing a book later on about my relationships and sexual encounters, possibly changing names, possibly using the real ones, maybe some combination thereof, but I guess I see that as something different about having a constant critique of the relationship or lack thereof a la Carrie Bradshaw. Not saying exactly what my thoughts are though, at least not yet; I’d like to see what some other people have to say first. This might be because I’m not sure how I feel, but I’m not positive about that either…

Thammuz's avatar

Are you uncomfortable knowing that you will be written about? No, i hope i’ve been something worth writing about.

Do you request that he or she not write about your encounter, even with a fake name? Why whould i? it’s under a fake name and the internet is big…

Would you be interested in seeing what he or she had to write about you, and, if so, why? Because there’s always room for improvement, knowing what she thinks of my performance allows me not to make the same mistakes, if any.

Do you think his or her writing would be influenced by the fact that he or she both knows that you will read the entry and is planning on seeing you again? Most likely yes.

How do you react to this information? What information?

rangerr's avatar

So.. are his reasons for sleeping with you for the blog?

jrpowell's avatar

@TitsMcGhee :: I was just clarifying since my original response was a bit harsh.

nikipedia's avatar

Yeah, I would be very uncomfortable with this. The thing is, presumably, the blog contains information that the writer wouldn’t say to my face. That introduces a really bizarre, warped kind of voyeuristic pseudo-intimacy that seems like it could only lead to very bad things.

Communication is so important in a relationship. Maybe the most important thing. And that means one partner communicating to the other in a way that is considerate, accountable, and reasonable. The blog is none of these things. Blogs are full of things that are so personal that they’re not kind. And how could you hold someone accountable for something you read on a blog rather than said to your face.

If two people could make it work I would have lots of respect for them. But I definitely could not. It sounds awkward at best and mortifying at worst.

YARNLADY's avatar

When I’ve seen people writing about their ‘great sex last night’ as a quip on fluther, I remember thinking about how the person they were with would feel seeing it reported here, even without any names. It seems to me too personal to share with the world.

augustlan's avatar

If I thought this person was relationship material, I’d ask him not to write about me. Even if my name were changed, his wouldn’t be. People would know we were in a relationship, and would know it’s me he’s writing about. If it’s just a fling, I wouldn’t mind if he wrote about a 1 or 2 night experience with me, as long as he didn’t use my real name. It would be strange, but not a deal breaker. I would almost certainly read whatever he wrote about me, and the whole blog for that matter.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@Thammuz: Just the information that this is something he or she does in general, with you and other people he or she has had sexual and dating encounters with.

@rangerr: Well, it was a hypothetical, but I guess that’s definitely part of the confusing part of the situation. It doesn’t seem like that would be the only intention, but it definitely brings up that question. I think I’ll edit the question to include that. (lurve for that)

Judi's avatar

I think I would feel so used. Like the modern techno version of a notch on his belt. I think I would say a few choice words that ladies don’t usually say and give him the boot! but that’s just me.

Roory's avatar

I definetly agree with @Judi

kevbo's avatar

Every artist is a cannibal
Every poet is a thief
All kill for inspiration
And sing about their grief

Also, it’s been done if anyone is curious.

Jack79's avatar

Hypothetical, huh?
Well, let’s face it, it’s different for men and women. So maybe if I were a woman I’d feel bad, but as a man I might even be proud, especially if she was going to tell the world how good I was in bed. I might even beg her to include my real name. It depends on the content.

But overall, I would feel used, and certainly not see that person again. No, it is not “artistic freedom” to consciously plan to use people. It’s different when you had a relationship that you were honest about and later write about it (eg that guy writing about his ex girlfriends) and when you actually go out to meet people in order to use them for an ongoing blog.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@kevbo: Well yes, but there’s no money being exchanged, and it’s not quite in detail like that. But good reference, yeah.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@Jack79: It is interesting to consider it from both a man’s and woman’s perspective. I’d agree that it would change my perception.

JLeslie's avatar

I would think, that is the reason not to have sex on the first date.

kevbo's avatar

@JLeslie, hahaha! You tell that slut. ;-)

JLeslie's avatar

@kevbo No, I was not calling her a slut. I was saying what I would think to myself, it could happen to anyone. I was not being judgemental.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@kevbo: Love you too.

@JLeslie: I can think of plenty of other reasons to either have sex or not on the first date; this wouldn’t be the first thing that came to mind, particularly because of the detail regarding his or her offer to not write anything. I’m mostly interested in wheter other people would or would not want to see something to that effect written about them.

kevbo's avatar

@TitsMcGhee & @JLeslie, I was talking about our hypothetical slut.

Honestly, @TitsMcGhee, it was carpe joke not carpe insult. xo

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@kevbo: I should’ve put a tilde. I really do love you :)

JLeslie's avatar

@TitsMcGhee I would prefer he did not write about me, and if he did I would hope all names are changed.

kevbo's avatar

Awww… I needed that tonight. Thanks. I love you, too.

Wanna hold hands?

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@kevbo: I always want to hold hands, especially with you :) As long as you remember that asmonet and I are married and whatnot, I’m always game for hand holding.

kevbo's avatar

@TitsMcGhee, oh that’s okay. I don’t mind sharing.

jeanna's avatar

It wouldn’t bother me at all.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I think it’s a really creepy thing to do. There is no privacy on the internet.

The repercussions of him writing about a person with their real name is that they could fall prey to any stalker-type voyeur that reads his blog.

gemiwing's avatar

Hmmm. If they didn’t tell me that they blog everything before I had sex with them then I would be livid and hurt. If they did tell me- then I should be prepared to be talked about.

I do think that it’s odd that this day and age we have to ask people not to tell the world about our private moments. To ask that people not take out a bilboard for every English speaking country saying how good/bad/meh we are in our personal lives… just interesting to me.

rooeytoo's avatar

It would make me feel like a laboratory rat and I wouldn’t like it. Especially finding out about it after the fact. If this person has this blog and wants to use me for material, it should be explained before the encounter, not after when there is no turning back.

eponymoushipster's avatar

Names have been changed to protect the impotent

jeanna's avatar

@eponymoushipster I haven’t been to sleep yet, so maybe I’m easily amused, but GA for making me laugh.

Thammuz's avatar

@TitsMcGhee Oh, then i don’t react. Everybody has hobbies…

aprilsimnel's avatar

Gee, I don’t know. If there are people out there who knew both of us, I wouldn’t want them to know every detail about me, especially sexually. We may all be one, but I still have a sense of personal integrity, in the sense that I have boundaries. Telling all and sundry everything he did in bed with me would violate a boundary, and never mind that Wilde quote.

No, I wouldn’t want to be written about. I ask him not to do it.

filmfann's avatar

I think I wouldn’t feel too bad about it, as long as my nickname wasn’t Tits.

hug_of_war's avatar

I would never have casual sex, or sex on the first date or whatever, but I’ll pretend for a moment. I would definitely express my anger beccause I didn’t sign up to written about in a blog in such a manner. And I would definitely not see them again because someone who’s okay doing that sort of thing isn’t going to be compatible with me. The problem is I consider sex a private mattter, and I’m a private person, and I would find it hard to trust someone who only revealed this fact to me after we had sex.

wundayatta's avatar

If I wanted to continue this relationship, and if I thought it had potential to develop into something more serious, I would not want the account published.

I would feel very strange about the person, however. I would worry about being used, and whether they would be trustworthy over the long haul. I mean, would they continue seeking out sexual conquests if we were in a relationship? Why do they want to see me again? What’s going on here? If the blog is updated daily, does that mean they have a new conquest on a daily basis? I would read the blog to research the person.

As to wondering what they would write about me—I guess I would be interested. I’m a glutton for pain. I’d rather they didn’t write about me at all.

Clearly this person separates sex from love. That always makes me uncomfortable. I’m not like that. I fall in love very seriously when I make love to someone. Usually that’s because I don’t make love unless I know there is something there. Then, when it ends, it is truly devastating for me. I can’t sleep. I always feel like I’m on the verge of tears. I keep on telling myself how rotten I am. Inability to work or eat. Thoughts of suicide, etc., etc.

Why would I want to do that? Why would I deliberately ask for that kind of pain? So, if I were smart (and when am I ever smart?), I would ask this person not to write about me, and I wouldn’t get involved with them. I would not be worrying about artistic freedom. Sounds more like artistic exploitation than freedom, to me.

The world is surely interesting, isn’t it? I wonder how hypothetical this really is? Could someone have invented this as fiction? If they did, I think they would need to have a wide experience with the cutting edge of sexual trends. I could never dream this up. Then again, I can’t dream anything up. Maybe I don’t have to. My life is weird enough.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

If someone said they’re into me but only for sex then I’d probably pass on the whole deal.
If they told me they’re into me for the sex so they can gather blog material, I’d run the hell away unless I really really dug that person, they were going to pay me for my time and would agree to give me some editing perks.

Dr_C's avatar

@hungryhungryhortence so I’m writing this blog…

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@Dr_C: I’m a resonable woman, I’ll take 5% of the gross, throw in a few picture rights and negotiate again when your cosmetic surgery skills can take 15yrs off

casheroo's avatar

For me, what would bother me most is…
you describe it as you had a friendship with this person prior to the date. They never divulged the blog to you, or their interest in it. I would be upset that they waited until after they slept with me to inform me of it, sort of like “hey, I might put you in here..just letting you know” Yeah, that’d piss me off the most. It should have come up during the first date if it was going so well that the two slept together.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

I am 100% + against putting anything so personal on any kind of a blog. You’re just asking for trouble! How can anything so intimate be put out there for the world to see???!!! Ohhh, I have SO many issues with this I wouldn’t even know where to begin!

Allie's avatar

I’d be pissed. I’d wonder if this was their motive all along, especially since there was no mention of the blog pre-sexcapade. Yes, I would want them to refrain from writing about me… at all. Fuck his/her artistic freedom. Usually artists tell people that they’re artists before they paint a portrait of them, if you get what I’m saying. I’m torn on the knowing part. I think I’d want to know, but I don’t want them to write it on a blog for other people to know about. In all honesty, I’m not sure I’d want to see this person again after finding this out. Seems a bit shady to me.

rangerr's avatar

What @Allie said.
Word.

fireinthepriory's avatar

I think it’s the immediacy of the posting that makes it so intimidating. If it were something this person was writing down immediately and posting with a delay time, that would make it better. A delay time of a month would sooth me somewhat but still leave me nervous… With a delay time of a year I don’t think they’d even have to tell anyone except people who they entered into long-term relationships with. And if they did tell me I wouldn’t mind at all.

But I would also be somewhat assuaged about the situation as a whole because the person seems to be showing an interest in me in general. I feel that yes, some people write about their sexual exploits. That doesn’t mean they’re banging people they wouldn’t be banging anyway, you know? So even with no posting delay, I don’t think I would refuse to see the person anymore. But I would SURE AS HELL google them and see what they wrote about me. I don’t know if it’s narcissism or not, but… yeah. :D

Judi's avatar

I got to thinking, if it were at HIS place, I would probably start worrying about the video showing up on the Internet. the creep

ratboy's avatar

@rooeytoo: “It would make me feel like a laboratory rat and I wouldn’t like it.” How do you know you wouldn’t like it? Works for me.

rooeytoo's avatar

@ratboy – It does work for very well for you. I spoke too hastily ;-)

HGl3ee's avatar

omg I’m laughing hysterically @johnpowell !! if you don’t mind; I’m going to quote this on my blog (I promise no cents will be earned!) Hahahahaha you just made my night!

MrBr00ks's avatar

@kevbo , The Fly, off of Achtung Baby by U2. Song #7 I believe. What an album!

Poopy's avatar

The chance of someone sharing our sexual, intimate in-counters is taken every day. I would not change or alter my behavior. However, I would walk away, ending all further contact, and smile. Furthermore, wanting to read a story written about you is not narcissistic

TominLasVegas's avatar

If it was all good things about me than cool.

DrMC's avatar

For my 2 cents – something doesn’t feel right.

All writers use their natural exerience as inspiration and character source. Many characters are an amalgam of an idea and collection of individuals known.

Many details, and plot turns, themes derive from real world event and fantasy.

Fiction is one thing. A sexual documentary is another. Is it porn? Any relationship with a musician, artist, or writer has this problem.

Intimate encounters are the most specific thing you can do for a person. It is with and only for that person. It is not for your parents to watch, could you even be aroused if your dad was there holding up an Olympic ratings card?

This person is not interested in anything serious, In otherwords you are providing abstract masturbatory stimulation which is scientifically logged and published. It doesn’t matter if the name is changed to protect the identity.

This person is a sexual exibitionist – and you just made the mistake of being a partner to this persons abstract sexual model.

Do you fit? – Does sex with apparently a stranger mean that you like discussing sex publically, with your co-workers, parents, and school teachers? Your own sexual exploits? – If done one has to be very very careful of the audience.

This person is not afraid of revealing his sexual behavior to anyone. I wonder if his boss is reading his sexploits?

My opinion: intimacy = not public. Public = not intimate.

That’s why we say things like “couldn’t we move to somewhere more intamate for this?”

This guy wants to do you on the road.

Unless that turns you on, you don’t need it. It’s not serious = sex implies no intimate emotional tie. – You’re a stranger with a vagina. He should be paying for that.

Response moderated
AnonymousWoman's avatar

That’s kind of strange. Why does he feel it necessary to put his real name? I don’t think I’d be comfortable with the set up. However, if he made himself anonymous, I may have a different attitude towards the whole thing.

DrMC's avatar

Just another red flag. Could be viewed as advertising. I heard someone boasting about this strategy.

aprilsimnel's avatar

@TitsMcGhee, what was the upshot of this situation? Are you still in contact with this man?

Just_Justine's avatar

I’d pay for this persons psychiatric bill in advance and buy him a penis extension. Plus buy some brass balls.

Response moderated (Spam)
Xena's avatar

The only way I would care is if the person was mean, insulting, put me down, etc. I have a sex blog, myself, and I try to retell my escapades in an honest, but kind, respectful, and constructive, manner. If the blog was something like that, I really wouldn’t care. Names changed, of course.

I don’t understand why the person would tell their conquests of this fact, though. That seems strange to me and perhaps it’s meant to provoke curiosity, but it’s very unthoughtful. I mean, there is no need to tell someone if they’re left anonymous and the blog has no connection to them otherwise. All it does is make the person feel weird, or used, or dirty, or whatever.

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