How can I go from a place where there is never enough love to a place where I love myself, and it lasts?
I think I’ve discussed this before—I asked a question about feeling an emptiness inside—one that wants to be filled with love, and yet, no matter how much is poured in, the hole remains as large as ever. I’ve had any number of loves in my life, and yet I’m still insecure about being worthy of anyone’s love. I’ve sought love after love (love addiction?) and it never works (although I do feel good about myself for a little while.
This emptiness has other consequences, too. The worst of this is that this emptiness makes me question any talent or positive attribute I may possess. For example, I really want to help people, and I work hard to be understanding and empathetic so that I can provide useful advice to people. I want to help people so that they will appreciate me. And it works. Except it never takes as far as I’m concerned. It’s as if I get a flash of good feeling about myself, and then it’s gone, and nothing I did in the past counts, and there’s no certainty I’ll ever say anything useful again.
When I imagine what it would take to make me feel ok, it involves being loved—loved by more and more women—expressing their love physically. It’s not something I can have, even if it were socially acceptable. It’s just an image, anyway, that expresses what I feel it would take to make me into a decent person. Although I have believed that image, and sought out affair after affair. Then never worked, though.
What I’m wondering is if there is anyone else out there who has an experience similar to this. Have you managed to find a way to feel good about yourself? If so, how? What did you do? And what happened in that process—what was the change in consciousness that allowed you to feel complete? Where did you start on this journey, and where are you now? And also, did anyone ever feel like they were holding onto the emptiness? As if you didn’t want to ever feel complete?