I need advice about how to open up to people?

Are you afraid of being judged by her? Are you afraid she might not keep what you tell her a secret?

Maybe you could tell us since you have more anonymity here, and we could be a sounding board.

Hm… it’s a little complicated? But the anonymity is nice…

My dad’s a jerk, I won’t go into detail… My mom makes the excuse “he just doesn’t get it” for him… they argue a ton, and when they’re not arguing she’s bending over backwards to keep him happy. The rule? He makes the money so he gets to rule the house…

Well, she told me she thought I was a lot like him… the whole “you don’t get it” part… Like, telling me I’m not able to understand other people… that really hurt, and I don’t know what to think! because how would i know if i don’t understand other people? So I decided I just wouldn’t get in the way of anyone, I’d just become quiet and shy and an unopinionated lump, because who wants to be near that?
I really don’t want to hurt anyone the way my dad hurts my family.
But everyone around me is trying to pull me out of myself now… and it’s hard, and it hurts, and it’s like i physically can’t…
and if i’m anything like my dad, i don’t belong here, i shouldn’t be in the middle of their lives… but the one friend my friend has is now turning away from her, so my friend is turning to me with all her problems… i don’t know if that makes any sense.
but i’ve decided that it doesn’t really matter what my problems are right now, i need to help her, right? but i can’t say anything, my mind goes blank, like i don’t know how to talk to anyone anymore.
i used to be really happy and opinionated and loud, and now i say nothing and can’t decide on anything, and can’t figure out how to get out of this rut to help her… or if i should get out of this rut to help her…
help? does that make any sense? i don’t know what my problem is…

@DancingMind A few things. First know that a bunch of us grew up with a family that had too much screaming and a dad who was a jerk in more than one way. So don’t feel alone or ashamed of that. It is definitely not the ideal way to grow up, but it always helped me to know that my friends and other people also had crazy families.

My guess is your mom is very angry and annoyed quite often and she probably feels very misunderstood and underappreciated. This happens a lot to women. You, actually, seem to be following a little in her foot steps by trying to be more invisible, similar to how she bends over backwards to try to keep the calm. The difference is you are the child in the situation so you have little power to change your environment, so it is completely understandable that you have this reaction. I have a hard time believing you are the type of person who does not care about other people’s feelings, which is what she is implying by saying you just don’t get it, by the fact that you wrote this question. Sounds like you are fairly young, and in truth it would be very difficult for you to understand or “get” your mothers situation or thoughts, I know adults who are single who cannot understand what some married women do or put up with. But that should not be something she criticizes. Maybe she did not intend to be mean when she said that to you, she was just explaining that it is difficult or you to put yourself in her place.

About your girlfriend. If you trust her you might feel much better having someone you can talk to. Sharing difficulties is a way of bonding. But, do be careful about what you reveal, don’t tell something that would be very upsetting if it did get known by others.

thank you.

in response to the main question… practise on fluther xx

It’s hard and I struggle with opening up, myself. It’s kind of validating, @JLeslie, that you bring up households with a lot of screaming. My dad is an alcoholic who gets mean when drunk and my mom is extremely volatile. As a survival mechanism, I built a fortress and plopped myself in its most secret of chambers. I clammed up. Not to mention, no one who raised me was very effusive in talking about feelings, so I never learned how to do it.

Now it’s frustrating (because I can’t seem to) and super scary for me to open up to people and I stay very reserved until I feel comfortable with someone and that I can trust them.

i agree with @lynneblundell…practice with us! just spill the beans. honestly i think it can help to type things out…especially here, because not only will you get feedback but it’ll be easier to tell her things once you’ve already “said” them…easier in the literal sense, that you won’t be fumbling around for words and trying to think of what to say quite so much, ya know?

I’m pretty much the same way…but it doesn’t bother me. Do you wish you could open up, or is this something you feel pressured to do in our society?

not sure… I don’t want to feel lonely.
I guess I just want to be able to? I used to be, I think that’s what bothers me more than anything. Words used to be easy for me to use – to anyone! I want them to be easy again

@DancingMind Have you been betrayed in the past? Did something happen to cause this unhappy cautiousness?

I don’t know… I started wondering why I belonged where I was, and the more I thought about that the more I thought about how everything would work better if I wasn’t there. No, that’s not true, I do know why – like I said above… except it wasn’t really a ‘you don’t understand me’ it was really ‘I think your dad has a mental problem that makes him very smart, but incapable of understanding other people… and “I think you may benefit from some of those qualities”. So I thought that if I just closed myself off from people, they’d realize that I was just in the way, and that way I wouldn’t blindly hurt people like my dad does. And I tried to push my emotions down, so much so that now I don’t feel very much, but when I do, it hurts. But it was all a very conscious decision…

Maybe JLeslie’s right, maybe my mom’s just really upset and doesn’t mean it… but she always tells me “don’t be like your dad!” “you’re just like your dad!” and it’s like little knives stabbing me. But if many people are in a similar situation I am, and handle it better… aren’t I just weak?

And all the people around me didn’t leave me alone, I’m separate from them, but they’re right there trying to unbury me. And now I don’t ever say anything, because I consciously trained myself not to, so everyone thinks I’m this little shy sweetie. And I still don’t know if I really should be here, but it’s not like I’ve got anywhere to go; but I don’t want to be this person I’ve made myself be! I want to be able to open up to people – not just secrets, but anything. And I figure it’s more fair to them if I show them who I really am, instead of pretending, but it’s like I’m not pretending anymore, I really am like this person… I don’t know who I am anymore.

The only thing that feels the same is that I still love to dance… but dance takes emotion! And it kills me because I can’t really dance when I’m emotionless, but it’s so hard to pull it all up so I don’t.

I used to be able to open my mouth, and the ideas I wanted to say would easily turn into words, and I used to have a really loud voice, and some people liked me, and some didn’t. Now I’m nobody, and everyone likes me… except me.

I want to be able to be either: ‘normal’ and not freak out when I’m put on the spot or complimented or talked to or told to dance with substance, or if I am like my dad figure out how to get everyone around me to stop trying to help me.

I would say try to figure out why you feel like you can’t open up to her. Talk to her about that first. She sounds like an understanding girl so if you tell her that you feel embarrassed to open up or are scared, whatever the reason is she might try to ease that and then take it from there and you can both talk about everything.

@DancingMind I really think you should talk to your mom, not when you are arguing or she is saying something to you that hurts you, but when it will be an honest and calm conversation and tell her how much it hurts you when she says you are like our dad, and what you have done to yourself. That you squash your spirit, stifle your real self to accommodate others, and you are beginning to feel very uncormfortable.

Sometimes people throw out what they think is a little pebble, and it lands on the other person like a boulder. Your mom may have no idea how much the words she says impacts you. And, you can emphasize to her that you do not want to be like your father, and prefer not to be compared to him. Tell her you care very much about her and don’t want to hurt her; and that if you do, it is never your intent. My hope is she will explain it is not her intent to hurt you either. It seems to me like your family is not very good at communicating, and it is very difficult for you, since you are the daughter, to influence better communication between your mother and father, I don’t think you should try, but you can try to acheive better communication and understanding between you and your mom. Maybe ask her directly what specifically you do that makes her feel like you are like your dad? Or, do you know exactly what it is that bothers her?

Lastly, you are not weak! People in your similar situation do not handle it better. They go through a lot of pain and indecision just like you. I was just trying to explain you are not the only one, not that other people handle it better. They are just older than you and moved away from the destructive situation years ago. You are way too hard on yourself. We all understand and no one is judging you. The thing is people similar to you tend to not talk about their problems so you never get to know that there are people out there just like you, with the same struggles, who truly empathize.

You intellectually know how/where you want to be, but emotionally and verbally, you cannot quite pull it off.

So next time someone compliments you, complains about you, or gets personal (in a good way) with you… don’t resist the nervousness in you. Let the tension flow where it wants to, and just know that it’s there and don’t try to kill it. Begin to respond to these people in the way you wish you did, accepting the nervousness in you, but hiding it from the outside world, at the same time. It feels fake but try anyway. But do this moreso with friends and strangers, than with family, where you should go more slowly. Your mom really hurt you by comparing you to your dad. But even in your Dad’s case (as with the cases of all people) the negative strongpoints he has are connected to his positive strengths. Each ironically and both fortunately and unfortunately fuels the other. He may be out of balance with more negative aspects though… and comparing the two of you together wasn’t necessarily accurate or a good idea.

And would you be able to dance in front of your mom at this point in life? or your dad? or not?
You may, or may not, need their absence to be totally free. That absence can be created by more time to yourself, and one day moving. All this can be done while still respecting Mom and Dad in a human way and forgiven them for being so Fu-ed up. And if you haven’t already, tell your Mom, without anger, that it really hurts you when she compares the two of you. She might not respect your wishes, but at least you did your part.

I think you might want to give up the idea of freedom and happiness while living with Mom and Dad, but at least practice getting used to those ideas when you’re not around them. And sorry you are having to deal with such things, I know sometimes that can feel torturous and trapping, and other times just numb.

@DancingMind Everything except for the dancing part because I have never been very good at dancing (lol) is how I feel a lot of times, you are not alone in it. Just wanted to let you know, and I have no idea how to deal with it. I have one person and that is my husband who listens to me, he tends to take things the wrong way at times though or not know how to deal with me when I get real emotional and start crying though so it makes it hard, but I know he loves me and I talk to him about everything. I know it is hard, you got to figure out a way to open up to her because if you don’t you will probably stay feeling empty because that is what happens if you have no one or feel like you have no one, if you know she is there for you and talk to her and open up then you may feel free and have more spirit and get closer to where you want to be