What can I do to solve this minor family-related dispute?
Asked by
Haleth (
18947
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December 1st, 2009
As I mentioned in this question, I recently moved in with one of my relatives (my aunt). Everything has been really great so far except for one thing- it’s a little more out in the suburbs than where I used to live, and my car still needs some repairs before I can drive it. There is a bus here- I’d have to walk a little less than a mile to get on this bus, which I am perfectly willing to do, and after about a 20 minute trip it takes me to the metro. My aunt says that she doesn’t feel it is safe for me to take this bus, for a number of reasons. There is no sidewalk for about five blocks of the walk, so I’d just be walking along the side of the road. The stop itself is just a sign; there’s no bus shelter or anything out there. The safety of the neighborhood itself isn’t a concern, she’s basically worried that I will get hit by a car. My aunt has said that she would much rather drive me around for a few weeks than have me take the bus, but I don’t feel comfortable accepting this offer. I feel like it would be a huge inconvenience to her, and I’m very used to being independent and getting around on my own. I’ve traveled around a lot and lived in a lot of different places- taking necessary precautions to keep myself safe while I’m traveling is basically a second nature. She no longer works, so she says that she can do this any time as long as I give her a little bit of notice, and brushes off my concerns that I will be inconveniencing her. She is really glad to have me living there.
I want to change her mind, because this is the one sticking point in my new living situation. I’m able to plan all of my trips so that I can take this bus during only daylight hours. I really want to bring this up in a well-thought-out and tactful way. I’m very grateful to be living here, and I am grateful for her offer, but I’m afraid she’ll be really stubborn about this because she’s concerned about my safety.
Woah! I just looked this over and thought, tl, dr. Sorry :(
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8 Answers
What you’re saying there seems really tactful. Maybe you can just present what you have written here to here and see what she does.
Perhaps you could have a deal. I can see two types of deals.
One for safety reasons:
Going anywhere on an icy day or after dark then you ask for a ride. Avoids high risk situations where you might get hit by a car.
The Second for practical reasons:
Set up two or three places you’ll go regularly. Every Monday could she take you to the grocery at 2pm. That’ll help you out practically plus make her feel useful.
But make it quite clear that any other time you will be taking the bus on your own. You are certainly old enough to go out on your own and if you let her set these type of standards at this juncture it may happen again later. It is always best to establish boundaries from the very beginning. It is MUCH harder to do so later on.
I think that by saying just how grateful you are that is being quite tactful. After all you are there to help her as well if I read your other post correctly (i quickly skimmed it).
Would she feel better if you rode a bike or skateboard to the bus stop? Maybe you could borrow one until you are able to get a car.
I would take her up on her offer. To not do so seems unnecessarily rude to me. When my son moved back home, I drove him to his job 25 miles each way, because there was no bus.
Maybe she needs to feel useful.
OK, if you insist tell her you feel the need to build up your self esteem and take responsibility for your own behavior, and she is interferring with that.
What @YARNLADY said. Letting her drive you would be a good deed. It would make your aunt feel useful, since, as you say, she no longer works and she has had to have you move in with her. You have plenty of time to be independent. What’s a few weeks of making her feel good?
If it does turn out to be inconvenient for her, perhaps she might help you get your car repaired faster.
Tell her that you like the walk, but you would love it if she would drive you on days when it is rainy, snowy, or you have a lot to carry.
I agree with @YARNLADY and @Darwin. It really is about her feeling useful and having something to do.
It might also be a bit about her getting the chance to talk with you a little more and see how you’re doing. She might want the company for a change. She might think you’d value her company.
I like @PandoraBoxx idea of letting her drive you when it’s rainy or snowy. It might make her feel better if she also drove you when it’s going to be dark. Then it’s hard for her to argue with you when you want to go out on a clear day in the middle of the day once in a while.
Great answers, everyone! I think I will try for a compromise. @Darwin, it wasn’t exactly like I had to move in with her, because she is very independent, but there are a lot of small helpful things I am able to do by being here. It helps me a lot, too, because I’m saving money that I can use to pay for school, and it’s great to have her advice. I like the idea of me doing the walk when it’s nice out and daylight, because I really feel that it would be excessive for her to drive me around any time I have to go anywhere. But I think it would make both of us happier if she were to drive me after dark or when the weather is nasty. Thanks, and I hope it works!
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