General Question

silverlining's avatar

How can I become more physically attracted to my boyfriend?

Asked by silverlining (78 points ) December 11th, 2009

Hello, I’m a new user from AnswerBag and I have a dilemma. I love my boyfriend but I just don’t find him all that attractive. I always tell myself looks aren’t important and I love him for him and that familiarity will continue to make him more attractive to me. But it is just not setting in, we’ve been together 5 months. I feel like something is missing in the relationship. My female friends who are in love with their boyfriends always say they don’t even look at other guys because they don’t seek anything else. But I find myself lusting after other guys or wishing my boyfriend looked more like x or something was different about his appearance. I know it is terrible but I cant help it. Any advice?

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38 Answers

gemiwing's avatar

That is quite a dilemma. Honestly, for me, after five months I would chalk it up to simply not being attracted. That said, perhaps you can focus more on what you do find pleasing about him and not comparing him to X or Y.

75movies's avatar

Dump him.

dpworkin's avatar

Maybe he isn’t a good candidate for a sexual relationship with you. People can’t always make a conscious choice as to whom they find sexually attractive. At first I thought your question was about diminished libido, which can be addressed, but if you are just plain more attracted to other men than you are to him, your intuition is probably telling you something, and maybe you should listen. At any rate, don’t chastise yourself. It doesn’t make you “terrible”.

lovemypits86's avatar

if he doesn’t think you’re attractive he’s not worth your time. he’s a loser if you think he doesn’t find you attractive.

mellow_girl's avatar

im also new here from answerbag, and i also tried to date someone i wasnt attracted to. it doesnt work at, you have to be attracted to the person youre with…

eponymoushipster's avatar

obviously you need to change him.~

if it isn’t working, find a new boyfriend.

CMaz's avatar

It sounds like the infatuation is wearing off.

Time to move on.

Jeruba's avatar

Sweetie, what “looks are not important” means is that you don’t care how he looks to the rest of the world—to you he is hot. You should adore his face and body whether they’re classic or not, Hollywood or not, divine or not, because they’re his. If he doesn’t turn you on, essential chemistry is missing, and it always will be missing. It’s not your fault or his, and there’s nothing you can do. This isn’t going to change.

A good friend of mine married a man under those conditions. Her husband is perfectly fine looking; most women would call him attractive. She loves him. He just doesn’t excite her. She didn’t ditch him. Instead she ditched fidelity. Unless that’s the solution you have in mind, you have to be tough and start over.

Axemusica's avatar

Personally I don’t understand how women can be with someone without being attracted to them. I have to have at least something attract me to someone before I’d even consider dating them. I wouldn’t say boot him for some new booty, but I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone if I wasn’t attracted in the least.

StupidGirl's avatar

I’d get a new one.

Dr_C's avatar

You already seem to be checking out of this relationship… luckily it’s only been going on for 5 months so there is still a lot of wriggle room. Try talking to him about the things he can change about his appearance (haircut.. grooming… wardrobe… maybe even working out!). If he takes to the suggestions it might help.. if not and you’re still not happy, then move on and stop making this harder for both of you. Drawing something out is unhealthy and makes it worse in the end.

ModernEpicurian's avatar

I’m sorry, but in my eyes (and I know it’s only in mine), you may as well have cheated already. Lusting after other guys? That’s not great, especially the whole Ex thing. You may aswell move on, it isn’t going to work after 5months of wanting to love him for who he is.

Some people are somewhat shallow. You can probably count yourself among them. To some, looks are important. To others, what a person does means everything.

skfinkel's avatar

Bye-bye boyfriend. Find another who you do find attractive to you.

StupidGirl's avatar

Have you tried dressing him up like a girl?

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I agree with what @Jeruba wrote about looks don’t matter as much when the person is a great match in other ways that transform them in your eyes to where they might as well be rolled in crack dust. Is it you’re not able to get turned on to him because of his looks, no physical chemistry or is it more an annoyance with his grooming habits or you think he could be so much better looking with a few wardrobe tweaks?

SirGoofy's avatar

Step One: Find a better looking boyfriend.
Step Two: Whilst wearing the shortest skirt you own, parade your new beau in front of the old boyfriend.
Step Three: ....uhmmmm…that’s it.

loser's avatar

If it ain’t there, it ain’t there.

silverlining's avatar

@ModernEpicurian
Um, I said nothing about an “ex,” I meant “x” as in “enter comparison here.”
I came here for advice, not to be called shallow. You can keep your insulting opinions to yourself, thank you very much. I’m not shallow just because I find it problematic that I’m not attracted to my boyfriend. I dated him in the first place, didn’t I?

@hungryhungryhortence He’s not bad looking, but I tend to like guys who are more… manly, and he’s just not. I guess it’s more of a chemistry issue.

@SirGoofy why would I do that? that’s just mean lol!

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@silverlining: If it’s the physical chemistry and his other attributes haven’t made him irresistible after 5mos. then I’d turn him loose so each of you can find better matches.

silverlining's avatar

@everyone:
Most of you seem to urge me to leave him which I think makes sense. It’s just difficult cause he is really into me and I am afraid of hurting him. I also worry that I will miss him a lot, that I won’t find anyone with a personality I’ll like as much, or I won’t find anyone as devoted to me/caring as he is. Which are all probably irrational, but still.

Facade's avatar

Get another guy who turns you on. Out of all the people in the world, there is definitely more than one who will be compatible with you.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@silverlining: Turn him loose then. No one wants to be loved out of pity, default (you don’t think there’s anyone better who will want you) or gratitude because you think “they’re so great… but”.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@silverlining I understand your dilemma and usually it’s harder to find someone we like for their personality than someone we like for their looks so it’s good that you’re cautious – but it’s been 5 months and you really should (deserve to) be with someone who excites you sexually and mentally

stratman37's avatar

two words: BEER GOGGLES

PandoraBoxx's avatar

The laws of attraction are funny. If it’s not there, it’s not there. It would hurt your boyfriend less to have you break up with him now than to drag it on for a longer period of time and have him hope that something will come of this relationship.

For whatever reason, his personality and being a nice guy aren’t enough for you, and that’s okay. Each of you deserve better—you deserve a boyfriend you’re attracted to, and he deserves a girlfriend that finds him adorable.

wundayatta's avatar

You will hurt him. No way around that. If you’re going to leave him, then cut the cord fast.

In other parts of the world, marriages are arranged. People often see each other for the first time on their wedding day. Some of these people report developing a love for each other despite their lack of choice in partner. I don’t know if they also report developing a physical attraction.

In the West, we place a high value on romantic (sexual) love. We like the idea of “chemistry” and finding “the one” or the “soul mate.” It’s all a load of hooey, but people believe it and so they want it.

If that’s what you’re looking for, and the chemistry isn’t there, and it’s not going to be there (usually it’s there at the beginning), you have to let him know. It will hurt him, and that can’t be helped. Please don’t try to sugar coat it or pretend it’s something else. Tell him the truth. If you can deconstruct your lack of attraction, then give him that information. He deserves the knowledge so he can have the opportunity to do something about it in the future.

You’ll probably feel petty and venal, but love is a strange thing, and our feelings are not always explainable. I know you’ll feel bad about hurting him, but it is a delusion if you think you can get out of this without hurting him. Unless, of course, he’s not all that into you.

Jeruba's avatar

Good work, @daloon.

evil2's avatar

best to break up with him in the beginning before he finds out your shallow

flameboi's avatar

that is very easy, get him a gym membership, suscribe him to men’s health and take him shopping with you…
warning: you might have a bunch of crazy girls following him after 2 months or less, an old friend hates me because I transformed her bf in a “monster” and he ended up kicking her out for a hot blond that happened to be someone I knew

cornbird's avatar

Smell really nice and wear tight fitting clothes. Buy him lots of alchohol

dogkittycat's avatar

You can’t make yourself be more attracted to him, there are some guys who you will like simply because they’re pleasant to be around but you won’t be physically attracted to them. This kind of guy is nice to hang out with and call up to see a concert if your date bailed (as friends). Some people as nice as they may be just aren’t right for you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends. The one thing most people hate in a relationship is when their signifigant other tries to change them. So don’t if you still like him then continue to try to make it work, I’m just saying that I find it a bit pointless to make a relationship work if there’s no attraction. Personality does count for a lot, I care more about personaliy than anything in a guy but if there’s no attraction then he’s simply a good friend and not exactly boyfriend material. Just like a guy who simply want to go out with blondes like me isn’t boyfriend material, just because he’s attractive doesn’t make up for his awful personality. There has to be a balance in a relationship, attraction, personality and compatability.

eeveegurl's avatar

listen to @Jeruba – I dated a man whose physique I wouldn’t have considered to be “hot”, until the attraction was just there, and I couldn’t take my mind off him, or his body. If you’re attracted to him, the objective has nothing to do with the subjective – your opinion of him will be that he’s hot and that you want his body (it won’t matter if he isn’t that way to the rest of the world).

Zacky's avatar

More? If you’re not already, its not going to happen.

Poser's avatar

It’s hard-maybe impossible-to cultivate true, lasting love in only five months. You are still in the honeymoon phase, and it sounds like the novelty is wearing off. I think that if you are not attracted to him, you aren’t doing him any favors by trying to force it.

JLeslie's avatar

I think you are worried about being viewed as shallow, but dump that idea. If he is not right for you, he isn’t; no matter how great he is in other ways. Listen to @Jeruba she made a lot of sense.

Violet's avatar

I am also from AB where I was the expert in the Adult section : ) You shouldn’t have to force yourself to be attracted to anyone. But if you have just lost the spark, try adding a toy.

lonelydragon's avatar

I do not entirely agree with your girl friends, because it is possible to look at other people and still love the person you’re with, but if you are continually lusting after other guys all the time, then it’s a definite sign that this relationship isn’t working for you. You will only make yourself (and, eventually, your partner) unhappy if you stay. You cannot force yourself to be physically attracted to someone. You either are, or you aren’t. You should let him down gently and break up with him so that both of you can have a chance at happiness with someoen else.

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