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How can I peacefully end a relationship with the father of my child?

Asked by iLove (2339 points ) December 19th, 2009

My husband and I separated in September. This is not the first time. Over the 4 years we were together, I was miserable. The reason we stayed together so long was because I got pregnant and had our daughter after only knowing him for 8 months. We got married when I was 5 months pregnant. After my daughter was born, he became unbearable to be with. We lived 1 mile from the beach yet he refused to go outside because he worked outside. He was miserable about EVERYTHING. Strangers were his favorite target of his cynical and mean comments. I asked him to stop time and time again.

I am a spiritualist with some childhood wounds that I have realized I play out in my relationships. But I drew the line when his insensitivity spilled over into denying me help with physical pain (my wisdom tooth that was severely impacted) on New Year’s Eve 2008. He convinced me that he HAD to go out with his friend whose mother died. By noon on January 1, I was pissed to still not hear from him and was alone with our 1 year old. To me, this situation displayed several acts of selfishness and lack of respect for our relationship.

Obviously, this selfishness and insensitivity was more than I could handle, and we separated. 7 months later, he made an effort to be a better person and out of guilt, I took him back. It was the most miserable year of my life.

I left him with half my furniture and allowed him to buy the house we were going to buy together. I JUST WANTED TO BE HAPPY.

Granted, we have a child together and I want him to see her as much as possible. I moved only a mile from our home to show my dedication to preserving this connection.

However, he is a severely unconscious (in the spiritual sense) person. He lashes out at me constantly, and when I try to keep our interactions to just those involving our child, he freaks out. I want to maintain a peaceful environment for her well-being as well as mine.

When I talk calmly and softly, he becomes more enraged and insulted. I have advised him to get counseling, as I am doing, but he becomes defensive at my suggestions because he feels nothing is wrong with him.

The more healed I become, the more I realize that we cannot be in a relationship together and we must raise our child in separate households.

No matter how many times I tell him I do not want to EVER get back together, he continues to try. No matter how many times I tell him his words are hurting me, he does not hear.

I support myself and our child on 3/5 the salary that he makes, and he contributes less than $500 a month to help with the expenses. I sometimes work 2 jobs when I have the clients.

This week, I started having panic attacks because I realized his energy is draining me. I have seldom had these, and I exercise and meditate regularly. However, with all my “spiritual” tools, I am still affected by his behavior.

I know it could be worse, he could be abusive or not want to see his child at all. But this is my issue, so it is the worst it could be for me.

I don’t know what to do. I would love feedback.

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