I think the midlife crisis is a bunch of hype. People want change at different times in their lives. Sometimes the change we contemplate is more significant than at other times.
Perhaps there is something to the idea that when you reach a certain age, you start to become more aware of your pending mortality, and you realize that if you are going to make a mark on the world, you better get cracking, because soon it will be too late. I suppose for those who are not very self-aware, this could be the case. It should be no surprise to most people that they are going to die, and that they have been getting a little closer to death every day they have lived.
Another cliche is that men want to separate themselves from their wives and find someone younger—a trophy wife. Eye candy. Status symbol. Sign of wealth and vitality. I’m not sure that this urge is any different at the middle of your life than it is at any other time. It’s a thing that many men feel at many different times of their lives.
In my case (I’m in my early 50s), I started doing some of these classic things. I had an affair or two, for example. Actually, calling them affairs is giving them too much. Perhaps they could be called liaisons. Turned out there were underlying problems both in my marriage and in me. So I can’t blame that on being in the middle of my life.
Now, as to existential angst—I do find myself these days wishing I could get away. I just want to run away to some beautiful place with some beautiful woman and just not have to think about any of my responsibilities ever again.It’s a beautiful fantasy. Fulfills all my wishes. I’m sure many guys have these fantasies. Some even take them seriously and do run away. But, as I learned in one of my questions, your problems always follow you, and you are always you. You don’t get a personality transplant when you run away. The bottom line is that you can’t run away from yourself.
I love my children and I love my wife, and I have a very comfortable life, and savings for retirement, and we own our house completely. We’ve worked very hard, and I have many responsibilities that I very much want to fulfill. Yet, I’m tired, tired of it all. I want a vacation. I want a fantasy. I would like to get away from my super-organized wife who watches over me like a hawk so that I can have just a little time to myself, to exercise my id, which I haven’t seen in about thirty years.
However, you mentioned insecurity in your question. Part of my problem is insecurity. I just didn’t feel loved, despite the fact that my wife and children love me. I did not feel fulfilled by my work—both professional and personal. I wanted to see if I was still able to be attractive. I wanted to feel loved. I’m a person who has a problem believing in himself, and so I sometimes seek outside reinforcement. It’s a chimera, but I still can’t stay away from it.
I probably fit some of the cliches. But I don’t know. In many ways, this crisis has been going on for years. It’s complicated by my mental problems. And I resist the notion of something as inspecific as “midlife” crises.
There’s a possibility that I could do something really risky and end up destroying myself along with my life. There’s a possibility that what looks risky actually will renew me. There’s a possibility that I might just step out of the frying pan and fall straight into the fire. I don’t know. There’s a possibility that this will all go away, and I’ll fall into a torpor for the rest of my life.
You tell me. Is that a mid-life crisis?
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