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bean's avatar

Is it ok to start dating a friend of your ex boyfriends?

Asked by bean (1317 points ) December 25th, 2009

My boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago….a friend of his became a friend of mine and when my boyfriend use to avoid me when i was upset his friend would talk to me over msn, once, I asked him if it was ok to call me because i needed to speak to some one, he called me straight away and comforted me while my boyfriend avoided all my calls. He’s so nice and asked me to have coffee and compliments me most of the time, he says we should defiantly catch up…does this mean he likes me? a week after my boyfriend and I broke up he still avoided me and I said if you really don’t want this anymore tell me you don’t love me “because when we broke up he said he still loved me” and then he said he doesn’t love me and doesn’t care enough. two weeks after we broke up I asked him if he had been with anyone else, he didn’t reply and I was getting worked up so I told him off saying he should get a job and that stop chasing after popularity and your looks are the least important thing and if he wants to improve something he should focus on university. He sent me a message back saying I should let this go and move on and that he has already moved on.
what should I do?

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20 Answers

anon30's avatar

Yes, move on. Be with his friend, hopefully your ex would get jealous and felt the pain he gave you.

gemiwing's avatar

OK, I tried to read all that but my eyes crossed a bit. So let me see if I read this correctly.

You broke up with boy A. Became friends with boy B because he would talk to you on MSN when boy A ignored you (even though you were no longer dating). Boy B wants to get some coffee and hang out with you.

Boy A didn’t want to talk to you a week after you broke-up, even though he said he loved you during the break-up. So a week after that you yelled at him because he might have slept with someone after you broke up. Boy A said to ‘let it go’.

Did I get that right?

Are you friends with boy A? If not, then hang out with boy B because boy A is no longer your concern. Boy B has to worry because he and boy A are friends. Not you, correct?

Regarding boy A- it doesn’t really matter if you want to be with him or not. He doesn’t want to be with you right now. It stings and hurts, but you can’t control what he does.

Why not get to know boy B and just relax.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I think you need to give them fake names. I can’t follow your story.

Kelly_Obrien's avatar

It’s okay with me.

bean's avatar

omg! I can’t edit the question anymore :(

me and my friend were already good friends while I was going out with my boyfriend, during the relationship (few months before we broke up) if we had a bad fight or I got upset and cried my boyfriend would ignore me, but his friend would talk to me over msn and comfort me. But now my boyfriend and I have broken up, it’s been almost a few months and he wants to avoid me. but his friend seems to like me and he’s really sweet! I don’t mean to rush into any thing, but it’s ok to get to know him more, go out for coffee, catch up and start really really slowly ye?

gemiwing's avatar

Sure, just go slow and take your time. Get to know the guy really well before you jump into anything.

bean's avatar

me and my boyfriend were together for almost 2 years, and it was our first relationship and now we are 19. I know it might hurt seeing each other with other people. But I was thinking, he wants to avoid me completely even when he said he wanted to be friends. He didn’t treat me well, i payed for almost everything because he ‘didn’t have money’. and two weeks after we break up its so easy for him to say those things to me.

CaptainHarley's avatar

I see no valid reason why you cannot date your ex-boyfriend’s friend. Just make 100% sure you have NO desire to ever get back with your ex.

Futomara's avatar

First off both boys are friends which means they talk. Without more information, I would say your ex-boyfriend’s friend is preying on you in your time of weakness. He knows that if he offers a shoulder to cry on, he can exploit you and hopefully take you to his bed.

I can already hear the two of them talking…

“So did you score?”

“Yeah, she was as easy as you said. All I had to do was act like I cared. She didn’t even think it was weird that I was trying to be her friend.”

How can I say this? Well, a friend has no business talking to an ex-girlfriend. Either one or both don’t care. I certainly wouldn’t be friends with someone that thought it was okay to talk to my ex without first asking me. Isn’t there supposed to be a loyalty in friendship?

Plus, I was a young man once and if a friend broke up with a girl, it was considered the right thing to do to ask if it was okay to talk to his ex because you wanted to hit it. If he said no, it meant he had feelings for her. If he said he didn’t care, it means it was only a sexual thing.

So, your ex-boyfriend clearly doesn’t care if his friend hits on you. What does that tell you?

My advice, stay away from the dude unless you only want meaningless sex. Otherwise, be prepared for the pain after this guy gets what he wants and then ignores you just like his friend, your ex.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

@Futomara is entitled to his opinion but if you take much of the other advice that has been offered which as I put it all together says, “Go for it, but take it slow and really get to know the guy before jumping into anything, including his (or your) bed.

I wish you happiness but remember, romantic relationships are not the only thing that is important. Keep in touch with your female friends but be discrete about what you say about this and the previous boyfriend. Keep up with your education and don’t let your grades suffer because of any boyfriend. I hope you are close with your parents and immediate family, they can offer some pretty good advice – better than someone like me who does not really know you.

MrGV's avatar

haha futomara hit the spot! If i was you I would look for someone else that isn’t involved with your ex for it will cause drama and problems later on.

Violet's avatar

Forget the ex. This new guy sounds sweet (from what you have described). If you do become “official” with the new guy, it would be best to cut off contact with the ex, even if the ex wants you back.

bean's avatar

thanks every one for your advice :D

I’m not that quick to give myself away, plus I would only have intimate relations with some one I fell in love with and we were officially together and stable. Even before my first boyfriend I had never had anyone, i mean, there were offers but I could never do anything like that.
Me and this guy are not even far enough, and I’m sure having coffee with some one is fine with out permission (i’m sure my ex is having coffee with some other girl….he’s quite attractive so i’m sure he’s had many offers…..), but I think if we did ever get so far he would ask my ex if it was ok.
My boyfriend also did not exactly treat me well and neither does he matter anymore….thats what i’ve realized….he told me to move on.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Go out with the new guy, if you can resist the temptation to boohoo about your old boyfriend to him. If you use him as a shoulder to cry on, then you’re not dating him; he’s just a friend. Go out for coffee and spend some time talking—about the holidays, things going on, and give him a chance to talk about himself.

Just because he’s friends with your ex doesn’t mean he thinks your ex treated you correctly. There are lots of questions on Fluther from guys about being interested in gals who they have been just friends with, and wanting to date them now that the old boyfriend is out of the picture.

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

Youre a girl so of course its ok, girls are heartless with that stuff. Dont really show too much loyalty.

If you were a guy – the answer is 6 months wait time. Its Man Law.
http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=Man+Law&init=quick#/group.php?gid=2213557603&ref=search&sid=605377396.909097975..1

PandoraBoxx's avatar

@JesusWasAJewbot, if you google “crappy boyfriend,” the result is bean’s ex. Loyalty was not earned or deserved.

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

Didnt read too much into it but dating a friends ex has bad news written all over it. I dont walk into enemy territory like that, i always think how i would feel if one of my friends went after one of my exes.

StupidGirl's avatar

You can do whatever the fk you want ;-)

bean's avatar

When my boyfriend ignored me when I was unhappy, this other guy spoke to me as a friend and told me don’t worry too much about it…just give him some space, and he’ll come to you… 2 weeks after me and my boyfriend broke up he told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he was already over it and moved on… wow, so soon….
This is me moving on and being with some one who’s really nice and easy to get along with…. nothing heartless about it, so if he doesnt love me or care, and says it to me straight… theres nothing wrong with having feelings for some one else…friend or not, I get along with this person very well, and he’s been there for me :)

kitchi1's avatar

Your ex might get jealous, but if you don’t care about him then whatever. Do what makes you happy.

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