OK, have I got a hell of a reason.
As I start this, it’s 12:31 am Central time, I’ve been home maybe 15 minutes. I was on the road at the stroke of midnight, though I had intended to be somewhere else, but ended up leaving “somewhere else” about 10 minutes early, not by choice. Let me explain, as I think this is an EPIC FAIL.
My wife and I don’t go out to drink much, we’ve never been “bar” people as it were. But this year we happened to be kid free AND get invited to accompany my wife’s brother, his boyfriend, their best friend and her fiance. The plan was a nice Italian dinner, which we for sure were going to, and then this huge gay bar which has a killer drag show (this is supposed to be the biggest gay bar in the midwest). They’re very straight friendly there, my wife went there for her bachelorette party in fact, and her brother’s friend had gone there with them many times as well. I had never been there, but didn’t phase me, I figured the people watching would be fantastic, and it was. We were thinking of just doing dinner, but they kept asking us and my wife eventually said, “I guess we can come,” so we did.
So, my wife, who is 40, a librarian, very reserved, after a couple long islands starts acting obnoxiously drunk, she’s REALLY letting her hair down and getting into the drag show, singing along, getting up and dancing. I had to keep her from knocking down some tables, and the emcee drag queen actually singled her out and told her not to get so fucked up next year. She was having a GREAT time, and I knew she was wasted, I just didn’t realize how wasted she was. Her booty shaking and boisterous actions seemed to calm down around 11:30, when she seemed to get very tired, and she laid her head on my shoulder and just sat there with her eyes closed for the most part. She had probably stopped drinking at 11, her most recent drink was still ¾ full, and I don’t think she had more than 5 at the most (well, plus half a bottle of wine at the restaurant, but I also had half a bottle and 3 drinks and never felt a thing).
So, about 20 minutes to midnight, just out of nowhere, she grabs one of the pointy “Happy New Year” hats off the table in front of us and starts projectile vomiting into the cone. I manage to get her up and start walking her towards the bathroom. She threw up on the walkway twice, and once right on someone else’s table before I got her to a trash can where she let it all go. She went to the bathroom, got cleaned up and came out about 8 minutes till midnight, at which point the security guard escorted us out of the building. He was however kind enough to let a friend go grab our coats being that it’s Minnesota and about zero outside. So, we left before the midnight champagne toast while the champagne was making its way to what had been our table, and we got in the car….my wife was nearly in tears that they kicked her out for getting sick and that she didn’t get to say goodbye or happy New Years’ to her brother, and that she made us miss the actual New Years’, but I told her it was OK, she didn’t need to feel guilty and tried to make her feel better about it however I could.
So, I experienced midnight when I heard the radio station playing in the car chime 12 bells at the stroke of midnight, then play Auld Lang Syne, followed by U2’s “New Year’s Day”. I got my wife into the house (after one more bout of puke into the snowbank), she took a bath and went to bed. And I now have one hell of a story….first time I’ve ever been kicked out of a bar….apparently having a strip show in one room, a drag show in another and gay porn playing in yet another while men dance around in women’s clothing and assless chaps is OK, but puking is not, just for future reference.
So, I went out, but missed it nonetheless.
