General Question

cornbird's avatar

How best to wake your partner up for sex?

Asked by cornbird (1737 points ) January 4th, 2010

When its late at night and you want to get some, some people experience their partner getting upset when waking them up for some love. Do you have any tips on best doing it so as not to annoy your partner…how do you get your partner to give you some without him/her getting angry?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

103 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I find that working bottom to up works. You can’t say not to a blow job if it’s already in progress.

CMaz's avatar

Find a partner that will not get upset.

cornbird's avatar

@ChazMaz Thats kind of difficult…after awile anyone would be kind of peeved to be woken up, especially when they are not in the mood.

Jude's avatar

Lady/fellow – have the lady rub her ass against his meat and potatoes.

Two chicas – have the one start playing with the other ones nipples. Works every time.

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

Dont wake em up, penetrate.

eponymoushipster's avatar

tell them there’s another $20 in it for them

cornbird's avatar

@JesusWasAJewbot They will wake up eventually and what if she pulls it right out?

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

@cornbird Then its now considered rape, get the clown mask out and get to it.

scotsbloke's avatar

If they are not in the mood, respect that and leave them alone till they are…......

or

BEFORE they fall asleep, just say something like….......“Hypothetically, if I was to wait till you fell asleep and then started to have my wicked way with you, would you get upset? if not, hurry up and go to sleep!”

Snarp's avatar

Seriously? Don’t do it. Wait for morning. Morning sex is better anyway, partly due to elevated testosterone levels in the morning. If it’s early in the morning and you want to wake them up (or if you really must wake them up in the middle of the night seriously, what kind of slave to your hormones are you?) then just snuggle up in spoons, wrap your arm around them, and slowly and gently stroke areas that are nowhere near the genitals. Wait. Don’t do anything more until you get a sign that they want you to.

Cotton101's avatar

Loll..know what I would like to say, but there would be a revolt here!

Like Mr Nudge answer!

ragingloli's avatar

Stick it in her pooper!

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@ragingloli If someone did that to me, they wouldn’t be using that thing for a good long while!

ccrow's avatar

~OMG I am so disgusted by all these details. I’ll bet most of you are young people, too; under 50!!~

daemonelson's avatar

Wake them up? To hell with that, I just go for it.

bunnygrl's avatar

@jbfletcherfan well said, if hubby tried that he’d need a splint and a lot of ice for the swelling thats above the trouserline.
hugs xx.

janbb's avatar

Reminds me of the joke -

“What’s Australian foreplay?”
“Hey love – you awake?”

Staalesen's avatar

Buy a sex toy ?

curosity_killed_the_cat's avatar

i agree with @Snarp. Its best to wait until morning. I usually just give my babe gentle rubs all over his body and then wait for the “invitation” to continue….

bunnygrl's avatar

Actually if hubby tried any of these more lurid suggestions he’d still need the ice and splints :-) I’m genuinely shocked at some of them. Are you guys single or do you really have no respect for your partners? There is a shania twain song called “if you wanna touch her, ask” go listen to the words guys, please, for the sake of your partners. hugs all xx

wundayatta's avatar

Take care of your own self!

Women don’t have a responsibility to “help you out” just because you’re horny. Especially when they are asleep. There is no good way to wake up a tired woman for sex in the middle of the night. And if she’s in the mood, you won’t have to wake her up.

Sometimes, it seems, I wake up my wife in the middle of the night, only I have no memory of it, or only a dreamlike memory of it because I’m asleep. She lets me know in the morning that she didn’t appreciate being woken up. But then, she doesn’t appreciate being woken up no matter how I do it. She’s the one who made me go in for the sleep study and get the breathing machine. Try being romantic with that on your face!

My rule is “no means no.” That may not be popular amongst the men, but let me tell you, I find that women are pretty pleased with that rule. It helps me out more in the long run, if you know what I mean. ;-)

trogdor_87's avatar

If your partner is a guy it’s not going to matter what you do, he’ll want it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@trogdor_87 quite the assumption.

trogdor_87's avatar

Well it’s true, unless he’s just totally out of it. Or sex with their partner is just to revolting.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@trogdor_87 look just because you think guys are just sex junkies in human disguise doesn’t mean it’s true.

trogdor_87's avatar

Are you a guy?

Cotton101's avatar

@daloon like that answer!

Sophief's avatar

I last pretended I was having a dream, I was rubbing my legs all over my boyfriend while moaning and saying his name, he was soon inside me!

trogdor_87's avatar

Now I’m not trying to say all guys are sex crazed animals. All I’m getting at is when a guy is presented with the option of sex he is probably going to say yea rather than no. If my wife was in the mood and wanted some in the middle of the night I would be more than happy to make her feel good and at the same time have a sensual and romantic bonding moment with my lover.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@trogdor_87 I appreciate the clarification – much better than the earlier truism you offered.

trogdor_87's avatar

It’s all good, I can see how it looked like a anamalistic sex crazed kind of answer, lol.

cornbird's avatar

I heard a girl once told me that she came from a party drunk and when she came home she lay next to her husband and fell into a deep sleep….the next morning she said she woke up stark naked. She giggled and said she went to sleep with clothes on and woke up with all her clothes off.

Snarp's avatar

@cornbird Technically speaking, that’s rape. She woke up and was ok with it, but she didn’t consent.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Snarp very technically speaking.

cornbird's avatar

pleazze….they are marrried.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@cornbird well, otoh, that point is used often in defense of rape

Snarp's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir It wouldn’t be the least technical if she had felt differently when she woke up, married or not. I don’t know how many of the answers here are jokes, but for the record, it is wrong to initiate sex with a person who is inebriated or unconscious. Married or not. Life is not a porno movie or juvenile male fantasy. It. Is. Just. Plain. Wrong.

trogdor_87's avatar

Or it could have been drunk blackout sex!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Snarp well do you think unconcious is asleep? my husband and I have an agreement that it’s OK (very much with consent) to try to wake each other up.

bunnygrl's avatar

@cornbird I don’t know about other countries but in Scotland if a man has sex with his wife, yes wife, without her permission, it is classed as rape. I love Scots law. Legal or not though it is as my fellow flutherers have already pointed out, just plain wrong.

Snarp's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Yes, asleep is unconscious. You have an agreement in advance, which is another matter entirely. But you used the phrase “try to wake each other up”, which is pretty different from suddenly penetrating your sleeping or passed out drunk bed-mate.

Snarp's avatar

@bunnygrl That’s the law in the U.S. too.

Sophief's avatar

@bunnygrl Do you live in Scotland?

Snarp's avatar

You know how I won my wife? I took her home at her request when she was too drunk to see straight, I got in bed with her at her request, and then I went to sleep. She would have had sex with me that night, but I wasn’t about to ask a drunk woman to have sex with me. The next morning, however, was spectacular and we’ve been celebrating it every year for ten years now.

bunnygrl's avatar

@Snarp I’me very glad to hear the US law thinks so too, hugs xx

@Dibley Hi dear Dibley, yes I do, on the west coast. hugs xx

trogdor_87's avatar

I just don’t see how anybody could stoop so low as to have sex with a passed out or sleeping person. Where is the fun in that, you wouldn’t even get to see the pleasure you could be giving them. That’s half the fun of love making.

Cotton101's avatar

Wow, we debating stuff that is really funny…the proverbial “mold hill” made into a mountain.

Bottowline, if the partners have an agreement about this issue prior too, problem solved…

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Snarp well yes there won’t be any penetration that’s sudden – obviously this is a process that we’re both used to, it doesn’t put us on guard – it is a safe situation

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@trogdor_87 if you know what you’re doing it, they will not stay asleep.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

Put shoe on head

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@trogdor_87…cornbird didn’t say having sex with a sleeping person. They said “how to wake them up”? there’s a big difference there.

dutchbrossis's avatar

I agree with Simone. That is always what my SO has said is that it is fine to wake him up with a blow job

janbb's avatar

@jbfletcherfan See story referenced above by cornbird for context.

noodle_poodle's avatar

you people are fuking nuts! sleep is sacred its really selfish to wake someone up from rest they need just because your horny…even worse to expect they are going to be happy about it…people are people not vending machines

cornbird's avatar

What if you woke them up with a nice blow job. If they stop you then i agree you should stop…but what if they continue….And isnt it nice that ur partner wakes you up to show how much he/she loves you. What if that midnight tussle makes a new member of your family. To me if your partner has a problem with you waking them up for sex something is wrong with the relationship….how many people agree with me?

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@cornbird…I totally agree. And to answer your question, I start by running my hand down his chest, down his belly & into the good stuff. By then, he’s coming awake & getting into it. Never any anger there. Nor have I ever been mad about it. One of our best sessions was just this fall around 4:00 in the morning. Spontaneity is great. :D

@noodle_poodle Wow, you must have one sullen bed partner. Whew!

cornbird's avatar

@jbfletcherfan Yea..thats what im talking about..thats the sign of a very healthy relationship. To me why have a sexual partner if you can have sex with them when you want to. I mean there are times when your partner may not feel up to it, but it shouldnt be often…and something has to be really wrong…am I right people…?

phil196662's avatar

@Snarp ; I like your Morning Wake-Up method, the Wife and Get It Up several times a week like that.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir ; I Love your method, can’t stop it if it’s already being done (blowjob).

Snarp's avatar

@cornbird I think you’ve got the wrong idea about what a relationship is about, but hey, whatever floats you and your significant other’s boats. But how do you know what they’re in the mood for when they’re asleep?

I also have to go back to the question someone asked above: how old are most of you? Any kids? When you have small children sleep sometimes becomes a very precious commodity, more precious than sex.

janbb's avatar

@Snarp I’m with you on that!

Cotton101's avatar

If the partners agree on the ground rules before the game, the problem is solved.

cornbird's avatar

@Snarp What then is a relationship about?

phil196662's avatar

@snarp; the Wife and I are 47, she’s got three months on me though!

dutchbrossis's avatar

I agree with snarp to a point and cornbird to a point.

I agree that it is very nice if your partner wakes you up wanting to show how much they love you. I also would be offended if I woke up my partner and he got mad at me or something like that.

On the other hand, I love my sleep and need it very much. More than most people I feel like at time. So it is very important, so I wouldn’t want it to be a regular habit to wake me up for sex. Also if I was too tired I would want my partner to understand that I love him I just really need my sleep. I would think it is sweet of him to wake me up to show me his love though. It is a confusing thing.

I also do believe that there is more to a relationship than sex. Understanding each other, communication. Enjoying doing other things together, like for me and my partner we love rollercoasters and thrill rides. Sex to us is important though as well, because it is a great way to express our love for each other.

phil196662's avatar

I agree @dutchbrossis ; I tend to begin with a back rub, then shoulders and a neck kiss/ nibble and see where it takes me, if she wants to cuddle then I leave it at that but if she pushes her bottom ageist me and squirms it totally going someplace…

Snarp's avatar

@cornbird A relationship is about having someone to share the joys and sorrows of life with, someone who knows you like no one else, who shares your secrets, who always has your back, who helps you with your struggles and rejoices in your triumphs (I think I stole that last bit from somewhere), and for whom you do the same. For me it is also the foundation of a family that will hopefully produce strong, healthy productive members of society. I love sex with my wife, and vice versa, but if someday we were unable to have sex ever again for some reason, the relationship would not be in the lease invalidated or devalued, and I would not be looking for sex outside the relationship.

Cotton101's avatar

Well folks, when you get my age, sleep is better than sex! Some here will not understand that comment, but by the by and by, you will….

dutchbrossis's avatar

@Snarp That is all true also. What a good topic to discuss here.

bean's avatar

I’m 19…. i think waking up to find your loving partner want you is a big turn on, it’s also flattering…. how can you be angry about that? But sleep is the best…. but so is wonderful love making…not stupid, meaningless sex….thats just imoral…

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@cornbird First off, thank you. And yes, I think you’re right. In this house, if you want it. come & get it. I don’t care what the clock says.

phil196662's avatar

Totally true @bean – Foreplay gives it Meaning for me…

bean's avatar

@phil196662 I wanna say awww… my boyfriend and I never had foreplay…he just went straight to it, but he always use to hug me before it…just hugs…and hugs after… thats what gave it meaning for me :)

Snarp's avatar

@bean Sometimes hugs are foreplay.

bean's avatar

@Snarp oh…. then i guess i have then…. he was my first… sigh I don’t have all that kind of super experience yet k

phil196662's avatar

@bean ; Foreplay…Encourage him to put his hand on your waist in the Coffee House line or you could run your fingers through his hair at random. Lay on the couch and have him rub your feet and perhaps rub your stomach too… then lean over and kiss him!

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Warning Warning Warning
Honest answer from a 50+ imminent:

Guys, waking her up by poking her with your pointy thing shows total disrespect!
Watch her sleep and when she seems less deeply asleep try softly rubbing her bottom gently.
Avoid probing for points of entry.
If she wakes more, chances are she’ll be favourably disposed to making love.
If she doe not wake up, she’ll have the most wonderful dreams and probably be very inclined at the dawns early light.

Girls (of all ages), anything you do will be met with vigourous interest. Not to worry, you know how quickly he falls back to sleep after sex!

janbb's avatar

@Dr_Lawrence I like your style, old timer. :-)

jbfletcherfan's avatar

My kind of guy. :-)

phil196662's avatar

@Dr_Lawrence ; And that is why I start with a kiss on the neck and a wrap around hold to see what might happen…

sndfreQ's avatar

@Dr_Lawrence that’s the technique that I use too…worse case, I got to cop a feel of her very nice posterior and she gets to dream about it!

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Personally, I don’t mind being woken up or even kinda woken up as long as my partner is gentle with my body and gets me aroused first. I can become physically aroused while almost dead asleep so that’s okay with me. My most preferred way is as @Simone_De_Beauvoir writes, for him to start at the bottom and work his way up- seems to work well enough on his sleepy/sleeping self ;p

cornbird's avatar

What if your partner is taking a shower after work and you decide to join him/her,and he/she refuses,doesnt that make a problem for the two of you? I totally agree with @Snarp,that is what a relationship should be…but im thinking in terms of the sexual side to it. I personally wont make an immediate problem if I am refused but according to the reaction I would then determine if it is a problem or not. If it is a gentle reaction..ok, but my girlfriend cant be shrugging me off as if I am a complete stranger if I want to get some. That would be cause for a breakup…Dont you girls out there agree.

dutchbrossis's avatar

@cornbird Yes I completely understand that and agree. I get upset if I feel like I am being shrugged off or anything like that.

bunnygrl's avatar

You know having your honey snuggle and what not is usually lovely and if you’ve agreed beforehand as a couple that its permitted then cool, but taking advantage of someone and disturbing their sleep just because “you want some” is selfish and disrespectful. I have a feeling that this verges on a generational thing because the older you get the more valuable your sleep is, as others have mentioned, when there are children or maybe health problems etc, then disturbing somebodies sleep is a definite no no. I actually asked hubby what he’d do if he was in the mood but I was alseep he said he’d wait till morning because I don’t get enough sleep as it is. I love him for that (even though I knew it already its nice to hear him say it). I have rhuematoid arthritis and live with a hellish amount of pain day to day which i refuse to allow to get the better of me, but it does tire you out and even when you get a sleep you wake up feeling like you haven’t. Just my tuppence worth.
hugglys honeys xx

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@cornbird: I agree being shrugged off is hurtful. Partners can nicely and gently tell each other when there are days one is just not in the mood to make a concession for the comfort/ease of the other. I’d rather someone tell me they’re feeling lazy, tired out or preoccupied rather than avoid me or tell me I’m a pest after I’ve made advances. Few people want humiliation especially when it involves wanting love/sex/affection from their partners.

wundayatta's avatar

Yes. Humiliation. That’s why I preferred not to ask. I had been told no so many times, that I came to assume the answer would always be no. Of course, it made me feel undesirable and ugly and unlovable, not to mention being a bad lover.

Story of my life, I guess. Aren’t we supposed to seek that out in who we choose to mate with? I thought all women were like that—really just having sex out of duty. I am glad to have discovered that is not the case. Too late to benefit me, but still, it’s reassuring, albeit jealousy-provoking.

mcbealer's avatar

@jmah echoed my thoughts on this… “Lady/fellow – have the lady rub her ass against his meat and potatoes.”

A very nice way for my guy to wake me up, and one of the ways I love waking him up. I also love to caress his chest, thighs and legs. Kissing all over is fun as well…

The key here is gradual arrousal, and as others have mentioned – knowing your partners bioclock, sleep needs, and physical limitations. When you do it in a considerate, loving manner it’s all about making them feel good, and surprising them with the physical affection. It should IMHO never be about “getting your way” or jarring them awake with an undeniable hard-on.

forestGeek's avatar

Change the time on the clock and have a cup of coffee in hand…

Ok really, I think the best approach is to be very gentle, and start with light touching and kissing all over, especially in the places and in the ways you know they love most. I believe you will be able to tell very quickly if your partner is into it or not, and if so continue to be gentle, working your way towards the foreplay. For me personally, it takes me a bit of time to get into it, and even get it up sometimes upon first being woken-up, so the slow and gentle thing for me is vital.

If your partner doesn’t respond, definitely don’t force it just because you want it. Also don’t take it personally if he/she isn’t into it at this moment. As @mcbealer stated, it’s important to know your partner’s “bioclocks, sleep needs, and physical limitations”, but also think about their previous day as they may need sleep a lot more at that moment than sex.

I think as a relationship progresses, you will learn the ways in which it’s best to approach this, or not approach this with your partner as every person and every relationship is different.

Response moderated (Spam)
Imtheexception's avatar

Unfortunately, Sorry guys, I’ve been waken up…unknowingly/completely out of it…and woken in the morning to find my wife upset at me… If I were ” actually awake” I’m pretty sure I would have said lets get it on. But…I do have a job where it requires me to wake up at 4 am. It’s not fun falling asleep on the way to work when its an hour drive. Drinking the night before always promotes a carelessness for waking up at 4 so usually that helps because I know if we get a few drinks in before bed there is no need to wake each other up in the middle of the night. Were exhausted from the wisky snick I had before I fell asleep.

janbb's avatar

Say wha?

KarawrrrBabyyy's avatar

To be fair… I love being woken up with a poke from my mans “down below” hahah xx

dancingod's avatar

i think that you are all idiots and it is not rape if you shout surprise :)

Clinton252's avatar

My god. Women are the worst. It’s ok if they want it. They just rub themselves against yiu as if by accident. Who said sleep is sacred? Where did you pull that out of.
Basically if your a guy spoon her and gently caress her. She will know. If she isn’t interested she will move away or make some notion so respect that. Also if you know she has to be up early or is really tired. But most normal people are ok with it. If your still not sure then try communication. It’s
part of being in a relationship.
As for the idiots “sleep is sacred how dare you wake someone up”. Go become a priest or a nun I think that’s your best option. Btw. My girl mostly loves it. And when she doesn’t I just turn away and rub one out lol. Joke. I just go back to sleep. Funny though its ok for women to wake a man from said Sacred sleep with a bj but different for women. Anyway rant over. Happy and prosper to all the positive people on here :)

Emberlynn14's avatar

Lol well I love it when my husband wakes me up for sex in the middle of the night but I’ve never tried waking him up. I want to try waking him up for sex but I don’t were or how to start lol

thehardstuff's avatar

my wife totally hates it and i totally love it : / This morning i gave it another try by slowly rubbing my erect thing against her buttom (first i had to very carefully switch to spoon position because she doens’t like being touched while asleep what so ever). After a couple of gentle strokes she said ‘that’s enough honey. Go back to your side of the bed’. I’m genuinely annoyed with this because that’s very discouraging. I understand her being a ‘just leave me alone while sleeping’ person, as a matter of fact everybody has his/her own nature. But come on, can’t she comprimise once in a while just to be nice. I always respect her choice and in return when i try occasionally i always get a negative response. That’s kind of selfish in my opinion.

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther