What would you give up for a chance to be happy?

I’ll tell you this much: It wouldn’t be my Klondike bar. It’s my Klondike bar that makes me happy.

wow..heavy Daloon! Personally, and not pushing anything on anyone, but my faith keeps me happier! And, i did say happier…because none of us are always happy. Think there are degrees of happiness. Sure, there are down times….but, knowing there will be a better life in the next life, gives me hope and reassurance!

In regard to the choice, made that when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior.

Really never had to worry about all those things…money, house, car, savings etc. Those are all temporary. Look at Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, etc…they had it all, but not happy! Having said that, I’ve all those things, but they do not make me happy.

Also, the love for my fellowman makes me happy. That is an intangible assest. Love is a great thing. God’s love allows us to love others. That is a great thing. And, this love for others, really blesses my life. Good friends, love, laughter, family, etc…keep me going!

Most excellent question. I know that feeling all too well. I dont believe giving up any of those things will get you what you seek, nor is it necessary. Wholeness and fulfillment is not outside you, but inside you. (If it could be bartered and haggled for, I and a lot of folks would be missing a lot of our left body parts) I have to remember (many times daily) to be content with what I have, where I am, with all the flaws and missing bits….I have to learn to love the guy in the mirror, and then I will be in love with the World, and everything will be right. (its tough, though)

Expressing sincere gratitude for what you have is a great place to start, it will prime the pump for you.

I’ll be interested to see what others have to say.
I was first inclined to say that if I were so fortunate to have found a man who loved me, married me and wanted to take care of me, that I couldn’t reasonably ask for anything more. But I think that from the perspective of being alone, having recently left a man to whom I never meant anything.
I used to wish that I were prettier and wealthier. Then, several years ago, I read a story about some porn girl that had killed herself. I don’t remember her name, but there were several pictures of her and one that I particularly remember was of her wearing a waist length fur jacket at the edge of the water, back to the camera, silhouetted by the setting sun. It was a spectacular picture. How beautiful she was. She seemingly had everything that I could have wanted and yet she was so unhappy that she took her own life. Been there.
So I think now that it isn’t a question so much of what you have externally or materially, but what you have inside you. Another person cannot complete you. Having all the wealth and power in the world cannot complete you.
As corny and cliche as it sounds, true happiness must come from within. From knowing yourself and being at peace with it.
The real question is, I think, How does one attain that? I have a few ideas about that, but I’m not sure that’s what you want so I’ll keep it to myself. Would I give up material security to attain spiritual peace? I don’t know. Hypothetical situations are troubling to me. I can never say what I would do in a given situation and be sure. I just don’t know. I hope whatever choice you make, you are able to achieve or attain what you need. Be well.

I’ve been married 28 years and sure there is a disconnection that has happened time to time. Either I didn’t feel connected or he didn’t or we both felt unconnected at the same time. I find it often comes for living our lives and taking each other for granted. The one time we both felt disconnected at the same time we both sat with each other and talked. Yep even the d word came up, but we both agreed it wasn’t worth considering until we both worked at the relationship and each others needs. So we both made an effort to spend more time with each other and to disregard the minor distractions. He gave up watching TV on all of his free time and spend more quality time with me, and I gave up being only a mom 24/7 and concentrated on being more of a wife. Like we would always take the kids with us everywhere, instead of finding a sitter every once in a while just to go out or even stay home alone together, and we even gave up being worried about the bills. We figured if we were broke when we married and were very happy than we both new having less or having more money wouldn’t matter.( As my mom put it. We will have debt one way or another till the day we die. Unless you paid for your casket and burial plot ahead of time.) We found that connection again. All we needed was to be honest about what we needed from each other.

Very surprised this question did not generate more answers. Thought it was an excellent question.

Your questions are always so probing, daloon. I don’t want to go into specifics but i have certainly felt that and wondered if there were another way to live my life that would be happier or more fulfilled. What brings me back or prevents me from radical change – except for the radical changes I have made to myself through therapy – is the realization that I could lose a pretty damn good life, in many ways, and end up much less content with life than I now am. I guess what I’m saying is that I would have to be much more miserable in my present life or much more certain that the change would bring greater happiness to abandon the life I have. (And I certainly feel a duty to my family to not abandon them.) But I have thought of it.

You know from my relationship story that I did long for what you long for and I left the marriage, for a chance to experience that kind of a connection – it was a gamble, too, because when I left my husband I didn’t think that I would be with Alex, I knew he was married and lived in a different state and I never imagined that we would overturn the world for each other – but so it goes…it’s hard to advise people on these things, because it could have easily not worked out and you have kids, too, which adds complexity…and you and your wife have put in a lot of time trying to work things through…perhaps the urge for that connection is just a rebellion against a secure thing…maybe you don’t want to be secure.

I’d give up all my material things for true happiness.

To be honest, for the chance of happiness the only thing I wouldn’t give up is my SO and the love I feel for him. Nothing or no one else makes me feel as happy as he does and so, as much as I enjoy certain parts of my life, I could sacrifice them for the opportunity of true happiness.

I’ve made a choice or two like that in my time, many times actually but only twice where I really felt I was putting everything, possibly my life as well, on the line. Not with exactly the same things at stake but with things/people/situations/comforts that I valued and mattered to me on the line.

For me the first time there was a feeling of great anxiety, that’s not the perfect word for it, but for me it was complete understanding of the risk I was taking. As it came closer to execution, I did find that gave way to a sense of calm, which was equally hard to explain. That calm was critical though, because it gave me the clarity to realize that it wasn’t just about my goals, but about the path I was taking to reach them. The second time around it was less about anxiety and more a sense of peace and clarity, likely from having taken a similar risk before, mixed with some pain for the people involved, knowing how my choices could effect them.

In the end, both times, I took the risk and jumped in with both feet. I genuinely believe that’s how it must be done, anything less than total commitment just doesn’t seem viable. Plus, I just never could see doing it differently and looking back, still can’t.

Both times it worked out well, my goal was reached, often in spite of the fact that my “best laid plans” usually went the way of the dodo. I learned an lot, including that my first jump was not to be my last, and I feel I’m now a better person for it. I honestly think the only reason it worked though was because of that final hour insight – don’t focus so much on your goal that you fail to enjoy the journey. If you’re not careful, you might miss the fact that it’s really all about the journey and you’ve already reached the goal long ago. – not the best phrasing I’ve ever used but that there was a life lesson.

How hard was it… well the first time through was the roughest. There were times I would’ve given twice as much to get back what I had given up, sacrificed all that was asked gleefully to be back in my comfortable life… and those times weren’t few and far between. You’ll have to judge for yourself how hard that is, but for me I suppose it couldn’t have been that hard, I kept going and laughed and smiled along the way. The second time was much easier, I understood what to expect, it still didn’t always go according to plan, but I knew from the start it wouldn’t and even managed to learn and grow from some of the foul-ups.

What went wrong… everything that could did, looking back what went wrong was at times regretful, but irrelevant, I couldn’t go back and change events anymore than I could guarantee what was to come, I just learned to take it, manage what I could, and enjoy as much of it as possible along the way. In the end it worked out. I’m happy and more importantly have learned (though at times I do forget) how to be happy.

Whatever you choose, I wish you well on your path.

As an aside, this was something I learned on that first path and have carried with me ever since. Corny, sure. But that doesn’t make it any less true. Feel free to skip it though.

On my path I was chased by a tiger. I ran from the tiger fearful of being eaten, until I reached a sheer cliff, panicked I climbed over the edge on a vine hanging over the side. Half way down, I looked to see another tiger waiting below, watching hungrily. Terrified, not knowing what to do, and holding on desperately, I spied a mouse high above me nibbling away at the vine. Now in a true panic I looked everywhere! Above me, below me, left and right, and then, just beneath my hands, right in front of me, I spied a strawberry, growing from the vine. I plucked it and it was the most wonderful thing I had ever tasted.

And on the less “zen” side but no less true was:
if i fall on my face at least I’m still moving forward and if I fall on my ass at least I’ll know where I’ve been.

“I think I would give up all that in order to try to find it”

I would not do it for a “try”.
If it was a yes. Then I would give it all up.

Happiness, being the pinnacle of all our efforts.

@wonderingwhy I read that tiger story long ago in a little book of Buddhist stories given to me by a person that turned me back onto witchcraft’s path (which helped me at the time).

@Trillian I agree. This is not about expecting external things to make you feel better. That’s why I pointed out that I have many of the things that make other people feel happy with their lives, even love. But it isn’t working for me. So I’m thinking about whether I should leave all that behind and go on a spiritual journey of some kind. Maybe it would lead me to an ashram somewhere, or to building communities in Senegal, or to a woman. I don’t know where it would end. All I know is that it would involve giving up things that many people value very highly—not just material things, but relationships and social capital. Pretty much my whole world.

In reality, it probably wouldn’t be my whole world, but it would feel like it. I’ve been going to couples therapy for two years now. It seemed like it was working, and then, all of a sudden, I withdrew. I couldn’t understand it. Why would I give it up at the moment it seemed like it would work? Why would I pursue a path that would lead to this choice?

“Unhappy” or negative thinking.

@SABOTEUR very true!

Thanks, BoBo!
(Welcome to Fluther!)

I went into therapy. I did some serious work, lots of introspection, daily brooding, spent half my waking hours being self-centered. Now that I have sorted all that out and made some useful decisions about my personal life, i am content.

I do a lot of assisting people with handicaps, broken bones, etc.

I am now off to make lentil soup, which is simple, clear, has an end and beginning, and will make someone other that me happy.

I would pass on a job offer even though the money was good. I’ve done it in the past. Worked out for me.

@SABOTEUR thank you very much!

@gailcalled now, that was cool! yep, when forget me, life is much better!

Well, seeing as the goal of life, or most life, is to find true happiness, I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t give up if I knew it was a guarantee.

You’re in a tough situation, but ultimately it has to be your decision man.
Good luck to you.

I would give up my attachment to the ideas the keep me from happiness. Like others above, I view happiness as something that can only come from within. This quotation sums it up the best for me.

“If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”

I believe that happiness comes from accepting what is as it is and not trying to resist or change it. When I let go of my resistance I am free and, usually, happy.

Thankfully, it is not necessary to trade for happiness. Happiness isn’t a zero sum game. But if your schema for happiness looks like that, you may never be happy. Time to change the schema.

Happiness..what an elusive intangible! uh, got it…naw, it slipped out my hands! Where did it go? Someone once said, “you are as happy as you choose to be!” My suggestion to Daloon, don’t over think it…just think positive and be happy. Look at the all the positives in your life! Concentrate on the good things your wife does for you and the good things your family does for you.

And, as Gailcalled said, concentrate on others rather than thyself.

Oversimplified, but, be happy!

Sometimes we get so obsessed over what we can do to make something better that it really ruins what we have.

I’ve been guilty of that many times.

That being said, I don’t want to start tearing at the loose strings that are my life. If I do, the very tapestry I call my life would be unwoven in a matter of minutes.

I’ve found that giving up television news programs was one of the best things I could have possibly done for my happiness. Television in general, in fact. I can learn everything I need to know from the Hartford Courant, and more than I could possibly even be able to know from the internet. Television news more often depresses than it informs (and that partly because the people presenting the ‘news’ there are so ill-informed themselves).

If I were in the situation you described, I think leaving it would make me happier in the long run..but of course it would be painful at first.
I think people have extremely high expectations (sometimes) when it comes to relationships and marriage. You expect a fairy tale because that is what you are fed. Sometimes I would look at other couples and wonder why my relationship didn’t resemble them. I thought my marriage must be completely flawed. With lots of and lots of talking with my husband, I just figured out that I was being ridiculous. So, technically I was in your situation because I was not happy and thought I was missing something but it was right in front of me all along.

What a tough question. I really have no helpful response, but I just wanted to wish you good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for.

I have been following this. This question is incredibly difficult for me. I don’t feel able to discuss why. Mostly I feel like if I give something up to be happy, the thing I am giving up will most likely make me sad, and so then how can you be happy? I am very afraid of losing people whom I love, and I think the question implies you have to give up something with great meaning. I actually feel fairly happy, for me it would be giving something up to be healthy. I hope you find happiness @daloon Your questions recently make me feel like you are going through a tough time, remember things can change and get better.

@daloon you obvious have thought this through to ask such a specific question addressing such a personal question…though the way you worded it is like you are seeking permission or support from the collective to bail on your marriage!? There are a few very insightful responses that do a great job of highlighting the common dynamics in long term relationships that can help work towards repairing even re-igniting the passion in a marriage but you do have 2 years of couples therapy to fall back on and ultimately it is up to you to decide what is best for you. Life is too short to ride a train not heading in the direction you want it to! Best to you.

@Cruiser Think things through? Hah! I just slit a vein and let it pour out. Not a lot of thought is involved. All I do is watch and record.

Permission? I hope that’s not what I’m looking for. I thought I was just trying to get a sense of what other people have felt and done in similar situations. In a support group kind of way. I feel like I have always lived my life for others—in the sense that I needed to please them so they would love me. I have this fantasy that I could be loved for me, and not because of what I do. It’s probably a delusion.

It’s complicated because I experience love in such specific ways. I have these fantasies about where it would be true and how it would be true. Could that happen with my wife? Some of it, but probably not the most important parts. The part that makes me feel completely and utterly accepted.

Could it happen with someone else? I don’t know. There’s a good chance that if I left home I would get too depressed to do anything. But I won’t have a chance for the whole thing if I don’t leave home. And if I stay, I feel like eventually this need will build up again, and I’ll have to do something.

Originally, I thought it was sex. So that’s what we worked on in therapy. But I see now that sex is part of an expression of something deeper (at least for me). The other part has to do with acceptance and longing and welcome and that understanding that it is me and the daloonness that I am that is irresistable and gloriously desired with no hesitation. It just shines with an energy that can not be denied.

Maybe that doesn’t exist. Maybe it is too much magic that I need to fix whatever is wrong with me. Everyone always says it can’t be fixed from the outside. I can only do it internally. That may be true, but I think there is a role for what I just described. If I can enter into that feeling, then maybe I can know what it is I need to fix my insides.

I simply can’t imagine my wife ever being like this. Maybe I don’t give her enough credit. But I take my responsibilities very seriously, which makes it nearly impossible for me to consider actually trying to get what I’m looking for. And yet, the need keeps on overwhelming me. I find myself doing things I never imagined I would and I end up hating myself for doing it. I am trapped in my own little cage designed by myself. I even hold the key. But I don’t know how to get out. Hence, the question.

This makes me think of a quote I read somewhere, I forget who said it, but I will never forget the quote,

“I have never loved anyone the way I want to be loved.”

It sure describes my life and it leads me to the conclusion that I don’t think anyone ever could possibly love me the way I want to be loved. And if they did, they would be so needy I would probably feel nothing in return for them except perhaps pity laced with contempt. That is what I have felt for myself when that kind of love was what I was seeking.

I cannot think of one thing I would give up because I think when you decide to give things away that is in your life you are going to eventually be changing yourself either in a major or minor way. I don’t know if this means that I am truly happy, but I believe that everything that I have in my life is contributing to my path to find happiness. I absolutely love your questions @daloon, but usually I find them so deep that I can’t even gather my thoughts to participate in the question. I’m glad I could find this answer with in myself. Lurve!

Happiness, like love, is ultimately a decision. DECIDE to love your wife. DECIDE to be happy where you are.

Yes, yes,scared,undecided,and don’t know for the last three.

I have definitely had that feeling before, kind of like a hole in your heart. Or like a jigsaw puzzle with 1,000, no let’s make it 1,001 pieces and just one of them missing. It’s like a feeling that “gnaws” at you. I get what you’re saying.

It happened to me when I first got married, I was so overwhelmed with the happiness of finally matching a section of puzzle pieces together with the other 500 that made up the rest of my life. now, I had 600 pieces from my husband. But, after that feeling, when the happiness died down (that took a while) I felt like there were still pieces that needed to be put together.

Then, my husband and I had our first baby girl. Again, I was overwhelmed and overjoyed. Let’s add 100 more puzzle pieces, so now we have 700. She is now a BIG girl, 15…how did that happen!

There are still 301 more pieces left to the puzzle that made me feel “empty”. So, next came twins girls. Now 13, AHH!! But, yes twins, let’s add 200 more pieces this time. I was almost full, only 101 pieces left! My girls, all of them are like my life, I have devoted my love to them and they have definitely filled in that missing part of me that I have and appreciate and am thankfull for now this very day.

Ok, then comes my first little boy. My little boy, filled in those 100 pieces. I am so grateful for my boy, and I am always there to support him living in a house of…mostly women. He is my knight in shining armor…well my knight in shining armor jr.

Now, what happens to that 1 piece missing from the jigsaw of 1001 pieces? Well, I would give anything to my children, for my children, and don’t forget my husband. I would give my life for them, they mean SO very much to me. Words can’t describe my love for them. But, despite my happiness and ride in heaven, there will always be that one little piece of my heart somewhere out there that I am destined to find when the time is right.

damn… we all worry about the same issues..

@mollypop51797: Your life and family sound wonderful; don’t be too greedy.

@daloon Incredibly honest and insightful reply there my friend. I am drawn to your question and subsequent comments in that I am/have experienced similar thoughts and emotions as of late. I think most would call it midlife crisis…perhaps. But what I see in your words and layering them over my own discoveries, I would offer that life is a journey for each of us. When we were younger we formulated our own views of what life and the world was and would be for us. As we traveled our paths of life and pass up all those ideals and myths about what life was supposed to be…we begin to question those myths and look for more. Guess what….look hard enough you will discover more truths about life and about yourself that you never knew existed. At least that is what happened to me.

The hard part is integrating these discoveries into your existing life because they can conflict with the “perfect” life you have created for yourself. Maybe you sense this and to pursue these newer components of a life you may want to live but that would require change and maybe even drastic change. That is a hard thing to do and could come at a high price you simply may not be ready to or even able to pay.

Good luck with your journey.

again, best way to be happy, like Gailcalled said, think about others first and the rest will fall into place!

This is regarding my most recent answer. My husband fills up a great amount of my heart, and my kids make up a big part of it too. My husband provides everything I need and want and have, as do my kids, but that little piece is something that neither them, nor anyone else can fill in. But, I still have quite a tiny little piece there somewhere that hasn’t been found yet, and I believe that I WILL find it someday. i may have it now, and just be unaware, but you know, things happen for a reason. And, I think that when this piece has found me all beaten up from looking for me, or just brand new I will feel the 101% feeling that I have been searching for my whole life with. I will have that feeling of joy, maybe I won’t know why I feel it, but when I’m older I will just know it. Maybe, I’ll get this little feeling when I die, maybe I’ll get it within the next 24 hours. Who knows!? One thing, I am positively sure of, is that I’ll get there. I’ll get to that 101 % mark. It just depends when.

happiness is over-rated. but i would give anything up to be the opposite though.

I was once married to my best friend and had all most people around me thought was great: attractive, attentive, popular and talented spouse, home, business, loving family and great circle of friends, etc. but there was something between us I couldn’t span and after several years of trying to figure it out, waiting like we’d been advised, going to counseling (they never figured anything out) we decided to part. My whole life changed and in my gamble, I haven’t had the life I expected but it has been full. I’ve had not so great partners since then and few exceptional ones but at least I don’t feel as though I’m keeping someone else from having the very best they could and I really do feel I will also have my chance at a great relationship again.

I would be happy if i don’t have to give up anything.

I would give up anything to be 100% happy.