Social Question

max53's avatar

Is participating in cybersex with someone other than your SO cheating?

Asked by max53 (305 points ) January 20th, 2010

Would you consider it cheating to have cybersex with someone other than your SO even if you would never actually have physical contact with this person?

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62 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

As always, if it’s something you’re keeping from your partner and you’re supposed to be monogamous, then yes, of course.

LethalCupcake's avatar

I absolutely consider it cheating, & its one of the main reasons my husband and I split. Its very hurtful to find out your husband would rather talk to Trash online and type the things he wants to do to them, then come to you.

chyna's avatar

Yes it is wrong. How would you feel if your SO was doing this? If you are keeping secrets, then you know you are doing the wrong thing. Why string your SO along if you want relationships with others?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

also, is this jmah undercover? ‘cause we can stop anytime…lol, jk jk

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Yes, it has the same potential to destroy your relationship as RL cheating.

Facade's avatar

Of course it is.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Yes. It’s an emotional breach where you’ve let someone else become a focus of your fantasy or romance other than your partner. Same thing goes for partners who masturbate or watch porn to the extent they no longer priortize live sex with their SO’s. I’ts not another live person but it’s taking away from your chosen SO.

sndfreQ's avatar

Fluther is looking like Groundhog’s day the movie…how many times have we seen this question asked in the last month?!?! Search bar people! \end rant

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@sndfreQ too many people doing it…the cheating that is

DrMC's avatar

I once heard something – if you’re wondering if it’s wrong – you’re probably right

Blackberry's avatar

Not to me, cheating is only physical penetration to me. Its still messed up though.

jonsblond's avatar

It can be just as hurtful as the real thing. Yes.

wunday's avatar

By that standard, @Simone_De_Beauvoir, we are all cheaters. For whom among us has not ever fantasized about someone not our spouse? That takes mental energy away from your spouse and, I guess, you would consider that cheating.

No, internet relationships are 90% fantasy. Indeed, our relationships with real people are probably 50% fantasy. Fantasies, in my book, are not cheating. It is only a credible threat of loss of companionship that is cheating. Clearly fleshly contact of an inappropriate sort that is real cheating. But it is not clear at all where fantasies of fear of loss cross the boundary into credible threats of loss.

I am aware that most women consider mental relationships more threatening than physical ones, but they are pretty much ignoring many inconvenient facts. If this were the real standard, then women would keep their men completely isolated from anyone else and any media, lest they have a thought that takes them away from the woman. This is obviously absurd, so clearly many women are not consistent in this.

You might better argue that it is cheating because it is more likely to take a partner away from you in the real world. Cheating is a word that people seem to use for fear of loss. It is an emotional term, but, I think, has little relationship to reality. Common sense, of course is quite common, and far too often, the evidence does not support it.

What are the things that take people away from their SOs? Let’s see. Work. Hobbies. Food. Hanging out with friends. This is clearly the wrong standard. Yet is sure seems to be a common standard. We do not live in an enmeshed world, I hope. Judging by the responses here, people want their SOs around them 24/7.

Axemusica's avatar

Well, technically I wouldn’t say it’s cheating, but it certainly doesn’t give good merit to what that person thinks about the current physical relationship they’re in. Is it hurtful? yes. Can it destroy relationships? yes. Trust is one of the most important elements to having a pleasant, successful relationship. Being involved in something like this is what I consider being quite careless. So, no I wouldn’t say it’s cheating, but I certainly wouldn’t approve of it and I do consider it grounds for terminating the relationship.

Secondly, I’ve seen some of my SO’s electronic messages back in the day I was with them. Calling someone “papi” or “sexy” are some of the things that were said. I found it pathetic that they tried saying, ”... Their just friends.” The way I see it, is if you’re with someone you honestly care about, there is no need to lead someone else on by referring to them as “your papi” and opening or ending the email referring to them as “sexy.” Uncalled for and totally inappropriate if you’re in a so called monogamous relationship.

jonsblond's avatar

what a question to get the exhibitionist award….lol

Jude's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Ha. It’s not me.

faye's avatar

@Axemusica Well said.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@jmah now go answer my pm so I can go to sleep…release me

Darwin's avatar

I do believe it is cheating. Any activity that takes the focus of your intimate life away from your SO is cheating.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@wundayatta yeah I think many people are emotional cheaters – look don’t ask me, I am in an open relationship

faye's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I thought I saw wedding pictures?

faye's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir not the everyday version then?

Trillian's avatar

It’s a question of trust and honesty. I think that everything you say to others you should be able to say in front of your SO. If you can’t say it in front of him/her, it’s a cheat. One does not require actual physical sex to be a cheater. Look at Howard Stern. I remember hearing him on a radio several years ago for about the twenty seconds it took me to fumble the station to a different one and thinking that any judge would have everything he needed to grant Mr. Sterns wife a divorce on the grounds of flagrant infidelity. If you say inappropriate (perfect terminology, @ Axemusica) things to other people, you’re being dishonest with your other. Why bother?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@faye nope…it’s quite a marriage

Dr_C's avatar

Totally cheating.

Cruiser's avatar

The bottom line it’s masturbation. What do you do when you masturbate??? You fantasize and get off!!! Do S/O’s really have a problem with the other masturbating?? Most people I know masturbate it’s natural so then it’s natural to fantasize and get off. Then the question becomes is fantasizing about doing the nasty with some hottie in your head any worse than fantasizing about doing the nasty with some hottie on the computer?? Either way you do it, it’s all in the wrist!

letsgostillers's avatar

I feel like it is WORSE than actual cheating. You are forsaking a real relationship and real physical intimacy and choosing a fake fantasy instead. If you’re not sexually compatible, why are you in the relationship in the first place? and if they are seeking out something else, there are obviously deeper issues.

Jude's avatar

woah. Posted in the wrong thread. Sorry.

Trillian's avatar

@Cruiser I think it’s a bit more than masturbation, which is, after all, pretty one sided. You’re getting reciprocity, feedback, and encouragement from another person, who may even know that you’re in a relationship. Sigh.

max53's avatar

So, almost everyone seems to consider it cheating or at least wrong. What would you do if you came across evidence that your SO had been having cybersex with another person(s) without your knowledge? Would you end your relationship? I’m asking because this recently happened to a good friend of mine and she hasn’t confronted her SO about it yet and isn’t sure what to do. She is very hurt and upset, though.

(I tried to ask this as a separate question, but it got flagged as a duplicate)

Trillian's avatar

i would end the relationship. As I said in the other thread, life is too short to waste on someone who is untrustworthy. The whole relationship would be colored by that. For me anyway.

jonsblond's avatar

@max53 I would confront my SO. Leaving is a different story. The length and history of the relationship makes a difference. I’m sorry to hear your friend is going through this. Couples can get past something like this, but it is very difficult and takes two people that are committed to making the relationship work.

wunday's avatar

@max53 I think it is way too facile to call for an end to the relationship. I think she should also not “confront” her SO. There are other things going on here. They need to address those issues. She should look in the mirror and ask herself how she has contributed to a distancing in their relationship. That’s what they need to talk about. If he won’t talk, then that’s a serious issue.

Cyber relationships are only a symptom. They can be a symptom of something wrong in the relationship, or a symptom of some pathology with the SO. In either case, that’s what needs to be worked on. Cutting and running won’t help. It’ll hurt. Running is not a good way to deal with relationship problems. If they can’t openly talk to each other or learn to openly talk to each other about why they behave as they do, they shouldn’t be together.

Austinlad's avatar

Of course it’s cheating! How could connecting sexually with someone online be any different from doing so in a bar or motel room? Either way, the person is not being faithful to his/her SO (if that’s what they agreed upon).

chyna's avatar

@wundayatta She should look in the mirror and ask herself how she has contributed to a distancing in their relationship.
Because it must be something she has done to be treated in this manner? Oh please, don’t always blame someone else for the misdeeds of the cheater. The cheater will always find a reason to cheat, however thin that reason might be.

wunday's avatar

@chyna I didn’t say it must be something. Just that there are two parties to any relationship, and if you don’t ask yourself what you’ve been doing, you pretty much dump your chances of working with your SO. Both parties should do this. People aren’t trying to hurt each other. They are just trying to make themselves feel better. There’s a lot of pain out there, and if people don’t take the time to listen to each other, they’ll just stay in the hells they create.

chyna's avatar

@wundayatta If you have gone so far as to have cyber sex with someone, you have probably been talking to that person for a while. The cheater could have stopped at any point before having cyber sex and discussed his issues with his SO. The point he decided to have cyber sex is the point he decided he didn’t care about anyone’s feelings but his own.

desiree333's avatar

ummmm..yes!

Nullo's avatar

It’s cheating.
“But I say unto you, That whosoever chatteth with a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Matthew 5:28, KJV, contemporation mod.

max53's avatar

Not that it really matters, but just for the sake of accuracy my friend is a lesbian and it was her girlfriend who she caught cyber-cheating.

Trillian's avatar

@Nullo chatteth? Really? It says that? That’s too funny.

Axemusica's avatar

@Trillian No. It says “look”. I think he was using it to add effect.

Trillian's avatar

@Axemusica ok, ok. Sheesh. He could have been using a British bible. You never know.~

IBERnineD's avatar

Cheating.

judochop's avatar

I do not care if my partner wants to have cyber sex three times a day, if any thing I find it healthy and exciting. Cyber away for all I care. The moment you take him/her home is another story. Cheating, nope….It’s a computer. You are probably mind fucking a 56 year old man with a 100 lbs. gut on the other end of the keys. Enjoy yourself. It’s a better way to masturbate. I say jam that F key balls deep. Classy, I know, I know…

augustlan's avatar

I’m with both @Simone_De_Beauvoir and @Axemusica, or, you know, sort of a combination of the two. Is it cheating? Not really. Is it wrong (without your partner’s knowledge)? Yes. Is it worth ending the relationship over? Not necessarily. But there is definitely a need for a big discussion, asap.

tb1570's avatar

Absolutely it is cheating. What’s the debate? “Cheating” goes beyond just the physical acts. It’s about respect & trust. I would never be with anyone who thought otherwise.

Nullo's avatar

@Trillian
Oh no, that’s the mod. One cannot very well looketh through a chat window, after all. :D
And as a matter of fact, I was using a British Bible; the King James Version was commissioned by King James of England in the 1600s, and the actual translation and compilation work was done by the Church of England.

Allie's avatar

I’d say it is. Especially if you’re keeping it a secret from your partner. If he/she knows about it and is okay with it, then no big deal. If you’re hiding it, then you probably already know or feel like you shouldn’t be doing it.

Tenpinmaster's avatar

Yes, because you have intent, and sharing intimate emotions that you should only be sharing with your significant other.

Violet's avatar

YES! Would you want your partner to cyber with someone else?
Would you tell you partner you cybered?
If you have to hide it, you shouldn’t be doing it

syz's avatar

Yes.

john65pennington's avatar

Its okay to have friends of the opposite sex on cyberspace. everyone knows where the line is drawn and not to cross it.

downtide's avatar

If you have to keep it secret, if you don’t want to share it with your SO, if you think your SO would consider it to be cheating, then it’s cheating. Basically if you cross a line, any line, that has been agreed on between yourself and your SO, then you’re cheating.

MrsDufresne's avatar

Participating in anything that would deeply hurt your S/O’s feelings is cheating. Whether its cybersex or stamp collecting.

maccmann's avatar

Biased opinion here, because my wife did it. It is an emotional affair of a sexual nature. These things should be reserved for your spouse if you are married. Period. Otherwise you need to examine your need for it and why you are in an exclusive, monogamous relationship and still feel the need for it.

So, in short: YES, IMHO from experience it is cheating.

My marriage is still having difficulty because of it.

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