Pun me?

There was a street survey taken in New York to see how many puns were actually found funny to the average New Yorker. They told 10 puns to each person and then later compiled the results. They would have considered one of the puns funny if more than 20% of the people polled agreed that particular pun was funny. No pun in ten did.

Dorothy Parker was once asked to use the word “horticulture” in a sentence. She quipped, “You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think.”

Two atoms are in a bar for a quiet drink. One turns to the other and says, “I think I’ve lost and electron!”. The second asks “are you sure?” The first replies “I’m positive.”

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. Mr Weed said to Mr Can A. Biss, “My your son is really sprouting up”. Mr. Can A. Biss replied, “Yeah hard to keep shoes on that boy he is grows like grass”.

“A criminals best asset is his lie ability”

The fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large

Ive been to the dentist several times so, I know the drill.

Are ubiquitous? No, I ambiguous.

A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

a man escapes from a mental institution. as he walks by a laundromat he sees a beautiful woman staring at him. he goes inside and talks to her. the two have such a connection they tear of each others clothes and go at it. as the man was finnishing up he sees the police arriving to arrest him. he runs out the back and escapes.. headline reads: NUT SCREWS ON WASHERS AND BOLTS

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don`t believe you,” says Dolly. “It`s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

first duh of the day…loll think we goofed…the next person is supposed to give the answer…right Zen..

“I can’t be patient,” replied the patient. “I’m short on time.”

a pun is ⅔rds Pee Yoo

Did you hear the one about the Puerto Rican obstetrician who had a brother named Obie? The brother was OB Juan’s kin, Obie.

I actually came up with this one when I was a kid and now I hear it all the time: This little thief runs out of the mexican grocery with a tub of spicy cheddar dip and the owner shouts after him “Hey, that’s Nacho Cheese!”

I was sitting in my den last night when, all of a sudden, Oliver Twist, Great Expectations, and A Christmas Carol all fell off of the bookshelf and landed on the floor with a loud thump!

It scared the Dickens out of me.

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life

1. The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”
2. The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”
3. The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”
4. The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”
5. The Interior Designer – who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”
6. The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”
7. The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”

So when is the best time to visit the dentist? Toothurty.

@Trillian Loll

‘Pun my word, this is a silly thread. Or to quote my brother: “A punster is the lowest form of human.”

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch!”

I have a story actually. Back in the early 70s in Salt Lake City, Utah, some board of educators came up with an idea. They decided to take the lowest 20% of high school students and put them all in a special remedial school, which instead of giving the students a more classical “3 R’s” education, would assess what their individual skills were and provide them with more vocational type training….basically to use what they had to their greatest advantage. One of the most popular courses in this new school was choir, as a lot of these kids, who were let’s face it, just plain stupid in most cases, were able to sing.

But early on, the teacher of this course identified a problem…the kids often lacked motivation. So, in order to motivate them, she started giving a chocolate chip cookie and a can of Coke to each kid who did the proper work. Only problem was, after a couple months, these kids started putting on noticable amounts of weight, leading their parents to find out about the treats, and to complain to the schools. So, this teacher was forced to get creative, and decided to motivate the students with something sweet that wouldn’t make them fat. So, she ended up giving them apples instead of cookies, and Tab (since they didn’t yet have Diet Coke) instead of Coke. Well, it did the trick, and this choir became world famous. Perhaps you’ve heard of them?

The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.

Awesome, @dalepetrie!

A doctor asked an elderly patient how long it was since she became bedridden. She replied, “Not since my husband was alive.”

A patient tells a psychiatrist that sometimes he feels like a teepee and sometimes he feels like a wigwam. “That’s your problem,” say the doctor, “You’re two tents.”

Two hats are hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat says to the other ,“You stay here, ill go on a head!”.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents!

An alligator and his buddies walk into a bar, and the alligator gets really drunk and starts pointing at a lady sitting at the other end of the bar. He says to his buddies, “I’m gonna eat that bar bitch.” The bartender yells at the alligator, “I won’t have you talking about my customers like that.” The alligator says, “OK, OK, calm down.” But then 15 minutes later he can’t help himself and he says again to his buddies, “I’m gonna eat that bar bitch over there.” Once again the bartender yells at him and says, “You say that one more time and you’re outta here.” The alligator again apologizes, but then 15 minutes later he says to his buddies, “watch this.” He walks over to the woman and eats her whole. Then the alligator falls down, out cold on the floor before the bartender can do anything. When he comes to, his friends are splashing water in his face, and he looks up at them and says, “what happened?” And his friend replies….

“Must have been that bar bitch you ate.” (if you don’t get it, say the last 4 words really fast so they run together).

——-

A frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack, and says, “Good morning, Patricia. My name is Kermit Jagger. I am the son of Mick Jagger. I wish to take out a loan for $30,000.” The teller says to him, “OK, do you have any collateral?” Kermit replies, “Well, Patricia, I have this here statuette of a jade elephant.” Patricia says, “one moment, please,” and takes the figurine to her manager. She says, “Sir, that frog over there says his name is Kermit Jagger, that he is the son of Mick Jagger, and he wants to take a loan for $30,000. When I asked him for collateral, he handed me this….this…what is this anyway?” To which the manager replies (get ready)...

“Why it’s a knick nack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Woohoo!!!!

@dalepetrie Oh. My ribs. ;-) Lurve for that one.

Confucius says he who fart in church sit alone in pew.

If is the middle word in life.

@Trillian – which one?

In front of the re-hab center the sign reads “keep off the Grass”

Someone shoot a hole into the nudist colony’s wall… the police are looking into it now.

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more! .

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.’

The lady can’t take this any more,
You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,’ she retorted indignantly.
‘In this country. we don’t speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.”

‘Hey, coola down lady,’ said the man. ‘Who talkin’ abouta sex? I’m a just-a tellin’ my frienda how to spell Mississippi”

@Zen_Again Love it!

@dalepetrie the frog. I laughed all evening every time I thought of it. :-)

A young woman goes to the dentist, she is very concerned about having healthy straight teeth but she loves tea. The dentist says he can help her with that no problem. He instructs her to remove her clothes. She asks “what? How is this helping with my teeth?” The dentist replies, “oh it will, more than you know. Trust me, I am a professional.” She strips out of her clothes and to her alarm he does also. While she is still discombobulated the dentist swoops in and caresses her gently, kisses her passionately then deftly lays her on the floor and boinks her as if were an alley cat in heat and he was the Tom cat with all the right stuff. When she get up to dress all out of breath hot and sweaty she says “what part of the treatment was that?” The dentist said, “You did not recognize it? It was the floor ride treatment!”

I just thought of this… I plumb, therefore I am…. straight

level = horizontel, plumb = vertical

Two broke philosophers were sitting on a street corner, trying to come up with ideas for their next grant applications. Finally, one turned to the other and asked, “Brother, can you paradigm?”

You can tell a block of cheese is old if they have a Gruyère, sleep too much on their ricotta, or are brieing too much of an ass-iago.

How did I forget about this one:

Once upon a time there lived a village of creatures known as Trids. The Trids were a simple folk, building everything by hand, having no electricity or plumbing…essentially all their water came from a hand dug well in the center of the village.

Then one day the well ran dry and the Trids began the process of digging a new well. However, in the meantime they still needed water, and the best way for them to get it was to take a small path leading to a bridge over a deep canyon, cross into the neighboring village and draw buckets of water from their many natural springs. Every day at the crack of dawn, all the Trids in the village would grab buckets and march in a single file line down the path, across the bridge and into the neighboring village, filling their buckets and returning home.

But one day, they ran into a huge snag. All the activity had awoken a hibernating troll who lived under the bridge, and the Troll came out to guard the bridge. As the Trids would attempt to cross, the Troll would kick them back into their village. Eventually, after each Trid had been kicked several times, they all got fed up and headed back to their village.

They needed to act quickly, so they summoned the council of elders, a group of learned individuals including lawmakers, librarians, doctors, and religious leaders. The leaders were told of the Trids’ problem and they conferred about how to solve this issue. Then the council told the town of their plan. The Rabbi spoke, “As a man of God and a faithful servant to my flock, I am well respected, even by trolls, and I have a great deal of experience with speaking with all of God’s creatures and resolving conflicts. As such, tomorrow at dawn, I will accompany you all to the neighboring village, I will cross the bridge first, and the Troll will not dare block my progress.”

The Trids decided they had nothing to lose, so at dawn the next morning, the Trids gathered their buckets and marched single file behind the Rabbi to the bridge. The troll stood in the middle of the bridge as the Rabbi marched across. When the Rabbi reached the troll, the troll moved aside and allowed the Rabbi to pass. As the first Trid attempted to cross the bridge, and the troll moved back into the middle of the bridge and began to kick each of the Trids back to their village. The Rabbi watched this with fascination and decided to use his linguistic skills to get to the bottom of the situation.

The Rabbi approached the troll and asked him, “Mr. Troll, why would you allow me, a humble Rabbi to pass over this bridge without kicking me, while the peace loving Trids are not granted the same courtesy?”

To which the troll replied, “Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids.”

@dalepetrie GROAN!!!

I liked it.

@Zen_Again – thanks

“GROAN!!” is a compliment. :-)

@Dr_Dredd – well thanks to you as well, then.

GROAN. GET A ROOM.

What is it called when one Gay dude is having sex with another Gay dude? A man in the moon, of course.

What crime did the robot get charged with?

Battery…

groan.

A chemist never dies. He just fails to react.

Old bootleggers never die. They just live on still.

Librarians do it by the book.

Bagpipers do it with Amazing Grace.

When a logger needs to check his email, he just logs in.

A font walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve your type here.”

Three strings walk into a bar, and the first string says to the other two, I’ll go get us drinks. So, the string goes up to the bartender and says, “gimme 3 Stroh’s,” to which the bartender replies, “sorry buddy, we don’t serve Stroh’s to strings.” So the string goes back to the table to tell the other two, and they are incensed. The second string puts on a hat and goes up to the bar, and says, “hey barkeep, gimme 3 Stroh’s,” trying to act all casual. But the bartender sees right through his ruse and says, “sorry, we don’t serve Stroh’s to strings.” So the second string goes back to the table and tells the other two, and the third one says, “let me take care of this.” So, he pulls a razor blade out of his pocket and begins to shave down tiny threads from the top of his head, making his top all ragged. Then he grabs all the loose smaller strings on top of his head, loops them around each other and knots them up and like this, he walks up to the bartender. The string says, “gimme 3 Stroh’s, sir,” and the bartender says, “coming right u…..hey…wait a minute! Aren’t you a string?” To which the third string replies, “no, I’m a frayed knot.”

I hereby nominate @dalepetrie as Pun Master!

A dog walks into a bar with a bloody bandage covering his right foot. He walks up and says to the bartender, “I’m lookin’ for the man that shot my paw.”

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, “What’s that for?” The pirate responds, “Aarrr, it’s driving me nuts.”

@Dr_Dredd – tis an honor just to be nominated!

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi

:D

@monocle . . .The most feared knight was Sir Cumcision. He was a real whack job.

Gorg seen his fellow Neanderthal Krog sitting by a tide pool with poles coming up from the water. Gorg said, “Krog what are you doing?”
Korg said. “Waiting for fish”.
Gorg replied, “What you do when fish come?”
Korg said, “When fish come I use stick to beat water, drive them into neck of pool”.
Gorg asked. “Then what happen?”
Korg said, “Then they enter net”.
Gorg, “They enter net!?”
Krog said,”Yes, they enter net there, Scloks told me so.”
Grog said, “And net work?”
Korg, “Yes, when net is up Krog eat well, when net is down Krog go hungry.”

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

Join D.A.M. – Mothers Against Dyslexia.

Did you hear the one about the insomniac, dyslexic philosophers? They stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

Al was reading the news paper when Will came by.
Al said, “Did you hear about Brian, he commited suicide?”
Will replied, “Really? Why did he do that?”
Al, Right before the economic bust he invested all his cash into a toilet paper and revolving door factory. When the economy tanked he was wiped out before he could turn around”