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Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

How not to have a divorce, what is the secret of avoidance?

Asked by Hypocrisy_Central (21139 points ) January 31st, 2010

Being on route to be married the thought came to me while reading a magazine article, how to or what to do for one have to do to have a solid marriage and avoid divorce? I believe I know but it is untested until I actually am using it. There are things like respect, keeping honest lines of communication open and such. When I was way younger I knew many couples who have been together 15 years, 23, 30, and some who married really early 50 years. Many I know today have 2 marriages in 12 years, 3 in 25 years, very few who have had a marriage longer than 17. What do you believe the secret is to have an enduring marriage? When I put a ring on it I am not taking it off I am in it for the good and the bad, the sickness and health and the richer or poorer.

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28 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

The secret is to evolve together.

YARNLADY's avatar

Know your partner well enough before you marry that you won’t have any surprises, like they don’t have the same expectations you do about how many children and how to raise them, about how to manage money, about religion, about how to spend the weekends.

According to what I read, the biggest cause of divorce today is over drug/alcohol abuse, second is spousal abuse, and third is cheating.

After you are married, cease all thoughts of romance outside of marriage. Be ready to compromise on a day to day basis over minor everyday differences. Always remember that you love each other, even when you are angry. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt every time. Never say or do anything to hurt your partner, and never lie.

Zen_Again's avatar

Do not give cause for, nor give in to, jealousy.

belakyre's avatar

Love. What else?

BoBo1946's avatar

Learn three little words, you’re right! loll…seriously, first be in love and more importantly, be good friends!

stardust's avatar

I’m probably not the best person to chirp in here, as I’m not married & think I’ll ever want to be married. Long-term partner – yes I want that, but marriage, I don’t think so.
We, as people are constantly changing – I’m sure you’ll be a different person with different ideals, etc 5 years down the line, as will your future husband be. I would imagine that as long as ye continue growing separately, ye need to celebrate that growth together. In other words, what @Simone_De_Beauvoir said :)
Another thing, celebrate your love for each other every day, even if it’s in a small way, to keep the passion alive. I’m a closet die-hard romantic
I hope you’ll be sehr happy together

lovemypits86's avatar

i know i’m young and haven’t been married that long but after failed and failed relastionships i met my husband and relized i loved him and want to grow old with him. before him i was engaggeed for two and half years and everyday i wanted to leave but didn’t i wasn’t happy i didn’t care for and didn’t trust him and we had no communcation. with my husband we trust and just love each other and we can talk to each other when one of us doesn’t like something the other one did or if somthing is bothering us. we never go to be angry and we have love, communication, respect, and honesty and i think that’s all really need and a understanding of each other. another thing is that when i look at him or go to bed at night i know that’s the man i want to share my lfe with and don’t have any doubts about it. he loves me i love him

KimKourtKhloe's avatar

Honestly I think a lot of it is society and what is going on around us. People watch what other people do and follow that whether they are aware of it or not. When we see others divorce I think it definitely affects our choices.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

Openness and honesty, avoiding jealousy, being supportive of each others goals and being genuinely happy for each others successes and consoling over failures. To know each others strong and weak points and build a strong partnership from mutual support. We were together 15 years and our bond was getting stronger up to the day death took her.

JLeslie's avatar

- Honesty
– Never make your spouse wonder where you are
– Make financial decisions together
– Be supportive
– Discuss each others goal every so often
– If your spouse hates doing a specific chore, just do it for them. (Like I hate unloading the dishwasher, so my husband does that one).
– Be happy to see your SO when you come home from a long day at work. Do not dive right in talking about what needs to get done, or with lots of question. Smile, kiss, hello.
– Realize that talking is not the same as communicating. Communicating means you understand the intent of the person speaking, their perception. Really listen to each other. Making assumptions about what someone means or feels doesn’t work.

Before you get married discuss some important issues so you are both on the same page. We talked about:
– Money. We both agreed no credit card debt, and had decided to have our money together, but many decide separate accounts. The point is you don’t want a surprise and hurt feeling once married because you did not know each others expectations.
– No one should work more hours than the other. So if both of you work 40 hours then split the household chores. If one of you is working part time, than that person can do more chores. And, If you are both full time consider a maid every two weeks for the big cleaning if you feel overwhelmed with little time together. Fighting about cleaning the house happens way too much in America. By a Honda instead of a Lexus and have an easier life.
– Do you want kids, and if a pregnancy has problems do you both agree on how you think you would handle it?
– Religion, religion and children
– School for children. Public or private (this is a huge money issue) and do you both agree on paying for college for your children.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I forgot one: Great foot massages, always kept her purring. :^)

BoBo1946's avatar

@JLeslie VERY good answer! no, excellent answer! lol

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

* Don’t argue about the position of the toilet seat.

* Don’t fall asleep angry or hurt.

* Talk about the things you want from each other rather than waiting around to see if those things come about on their own.

* Don’t give each other reasons to feel jealous or suspicious.

* If you argue then don’t call names because you can never un hear something.

* Each day note something about each other that makes the day worth being alive together for.

* Avoid the silent treatment.

JLeslie's avatar

@hungryhungryhortence I lurve your list. GA.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@hungryhungryhortence Great list! We dealt with issue #1 by having separate bathrooms, we always followed point #6. When one of us needed time alone, it was always made clear that it was not out of anger or “silent treatment”, just “sanity space”.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@JLeslie: Thanks, there are some things I learned by trial and error and my challenge is to remember them at the crucial times :)

@stranger_in_a_strange_land: I like what you say about there being a difference between silent treatment and needing sanity space. This is something I have to navigate.

princessbuttercup's avatar

From my experience…since I am female I will give my perspective on men: If they could just listen to my concerns or things that would make me feel more comfortable and at least respect those concerns and make me feel like he is putting his best effort to create that understanding and respect…that would mean a lot. Also, if he could no laugh at me or hang up on me. That would be good to.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@princessbuttercup I did those things and think that made our marriage strong. Respect and understanding.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@YARNLADY, @lovemypits86, @stranger_in_a_strange_land, @JLeslie, @hungryhungryhortence, So much good stuff in there, the respect, not squabbling over small things, placing yourself in positions where one would question your loyalty to your mate etc. Most of those things we have covered and are covering. Those are the easy things –or at least they should be known—. I know there is no one size fits all formula but great work guys.

BoBo1946's avatar

@hungryhungryhortence LMAO;....Don’t argue about the position of the toilet seat. That was really a good one!

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@BoBo1946 Oh that is not anything, over my years I have heard of and seen on in a few incidents:
Couples having blow ups over how the toothpaste tube was handled; rolled from the back or squeezed in the middle.

What to do with the juice in the jug when there is only abour a class left.

If the t-paper should hang away or towards the wall.

How full is “full” when it comes to taking the trash out.

Men hair in the sink and women leg hair in the shower.

Hanging hosiery always a classic.

TV commercials; surf the channels or sit there and watch them.

I could write a book “101 little stupid things that can torpedo a relationship”,I could make a mint.

BoBo1946's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central loll…If the t-paper should hang away or towards the wall. Wow, that is taking it “over the top!”

JLeslie's avatar

@BoBo1946 has to go over. Think hotel, you know they make the little triangle at the end, that is how you can remember LOL.

@Hypocrisy_Central about the trash being full, my husband and I sometimes disagree on the trash and he wants me to stuff the dishwasher more than I want to before running it (I know several couples who do not agree on the dishwasher) but he is not the one who winds up washing the items again when they do not come through clean.

BoBo1946's avatar

@JLeslie LMAO…......that will be ingrained in my thought process all day!!!!

JLeslie's avatar

@BoBo1946 Hate those brain itches. You’re lucky I did not start singing some 70’s song.

BoBo1946's avatar

@JLeslie LOLL..will drive you nuts!!!!

downtide's avatar

Know your partner extremely well before getting married. Live with them before marriage. Be able and willing to share in their hobbies and interests but at the same time be able and willing to pursue your own and allow your partner to do the same. Living in each other’s pockets 24/7 gets tiresome very quickly – be prepared to give each other freedom and breathing space.

Be in agreement on all issues that are of importance to you. This might be politics, religion, sexual practises, money management, sharing of domestic chores, whether to have children or not, how to raise, discipline and educate them when you do. Deep-set disagreements on issues like this will make it difficult to maintain a happy marriage. And being in agreement doesn’t mean that one of you submits to the others wishes. It means that your core beliefs already match.

Love is important. Trust is vital. A relationship with jealousy will not survive.

My partner and I have been together 24 years and married for 22.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

If you argue then don’t ever say, “fuck you”, “asshole”, “bitch”, etc. Argue but don’t fight.

Don’t humiliate your partner in front of others even if you think it’s funny or your partner appears to have a strong sense of ego.

Don’t talk your partner down to friends or others where it can get back to them.

If you have children from previous relationships then don’t let them take advantage of your partner.

When telling your partner you’ll spend time with them “in a little while” after working out with video games or whatever, establish up front what “in a little while” means because for some people it’s an hour and for others it’s more like three.

Don’t ever go to bed together angry.

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