General Question

Sophief's avatar

Could you live like this?

Asked by Sophief (6616 points ) February 9th, 2010

I have fallen out with my father, I don’t just mean we have a had a disagreement, I mean properly gone our seperate ways maybe. We have always had a weird relationship, but he is my dad and I love him dearly.

Before Christmas my dad attacked my boyfriend and things were said, it broke my heart. The more I have thought about the whole situation the more hurt and angry I have become. I have tried to speak to him, but he has never said sorry, for what he did or for how he made me feel.

I text him a few days ago and basically said I was fed up with things and I’m tired of making conversation and it going no where. I haven’t heard from him since.

What upsets me is how do I cope when something happens to him, knowing we no longer have a relationship?

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134 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

That is a tough decision,but personally I would stand my ground.I didn’t speak to my dad for 2 years.We did reconcile a year before he died and I am glad it worked out the way it did.

Sophief's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille I’m going to, it is up to him now, but I just know he won’t contact me.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Whatever you do, keep at least ONE line of communication open. Trust me on this… if you don’t, you will always deeply regret it.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@Dibley -It is one of the most painful things to do.We didn’t contact each other for quite awhile.I was told by him that he had much respect for me and the way I handled our situation(he raised me that way,you know ;)).I didn’t expect that at all.During the two year “break” I had alot of time to think about the “what if’s” and made my peace with his impending death.

ModernEpicurian's avatar

You have to weigh up the situation. I normally imagine the extremes, So I would imagine how I would feel if he died, If that pain and regret through lack of communication is too great then I would rethink how this relationship should function.

The relationship with your father doesn’t necessarily have to go back to what it was, you can rebuild a completely different type of relationship.

Cruiser's avatar

Gee if your dad attacked your boyfriend something really out of whack must have been said or going on…I would think he had a good reason to do so…not enough info here….

Sophief's avatar

@CaptainHarley I know that. He beat my boyfriend up though, just because he had been drinking (my dad that is) and he told me to leave him. As he was hitting him, he caught me also. He never apologised for what he did to my boyfriend, never apologised for what he did to me. When I do hear from him it is like nothing has happened.

CaptainHarley's avatar

I’m sorry. Alcohol affects some people that way.

Sophief's avatar

@Cruiser Your right there isn’t enough info, I didn’t want to make it long!. We just went over to visit him, we live in different towns, and we met him at the pub. As we were taking him home, he told us to stop the car, then he called my boyfriend a piece of shit and started hitting him, I was stunned, asked him what he was doing and he told me to leave him and move in with him. I don’t drive and neither does my dad. My ex used to take me over to see him every weekend, now we go over maybe once a month or so. I think that might be a problem for him.

phoebusg's avatar

I’ve forgiven my father for much worse things. Forgiveness is liberating, not just for him but mostly for you. When you’re ready that is – keep a basic communication for now. Eventually you should have a talk about this.

Hope everything works out.

Sophief's avatar

@CaptainHarley It doesn’t normally affect him like that.

@phoebusg He won’t, he isn’t that kind of man, he’s a little selfish.

@ModernEpicurian That is what worries me, I don’t know what to do.

@lucillelucillelucille When I was 14, we had a 2 year break, because I tuned his tv in wrong and he was livid. He made up with me when I was 16, and we were a proper father and daughter when I was 21, when my grandma, his mum, passed away.

Cruiser's avatar

@Dibley Sorry to hear that…drunken stupors are never a good situation. Try to find a time when you can visit your dad alone when he is sober to discuss your concerns. It sounds like you love your dad and something like this IMO should not be left unattended to. I hope things work out for you.

Sophief's avatar

@Cruiser I do love him, I don’t think I could visit him alone, he scared me last time.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@Dibley -My dad and I got along very well until I let his wife know what I thought of her.That’s what our falling out was over.Life is too short to waste time on people you don’t like.I don’t care who they are.Maybe your dad will come around.Maybe not.Either way,live your life.

Cruiser's avatar

@Dibley I don’t know what to say then…ask him to meet you at a public place like a coffee house or cafe where there is no booze and where he may feel less inclined to break bad. Good luck.

CaptainHarley's avatar

@Dibley

Perhaps your father knows something about your boyfriend that you don’t?

CMaz's avatar

Two things I would like you to HONESTLY ask yourself.

1. Truly look close to the “relationship” you and your father had/have. More so the relationship your father had with you. Could he have gotten too close to you?
and/or
2. Could you have such a level of infatuation with your BF that you are filtering out his poor qualities?

In general. It is really hard to give any solid, helpful information without knowing the other parties.

No question it is wrong for your dad to come in contact with your boyfriend. In most cases.
In my family, (for example) if my sister was disrespected by her boyfriend.
He would be getting a beating if he was not smart enough to head for the hills. Then again, he would have known before time that dissing my sister would get him into trouble.

snowberry's avatar

I would let him know periodically that you love him and forgive him. Also tell him (by phone or by letter) that you are afraid of him and why. Tell him you feel safer if you only communicate by letter or phone, until his anger/drinking/abusive behavior is resolved. He’s not a safe person right now..

Sophief's avatar

@CaptainHarley No, we don’t live in the same town, he has only met him when I have been there.

Sophief's avatar

@ChazMaz I don’t understand, are you saying my dad wants to have sex with me??

I do love my boyfriend but he really wasn’t in the wrong, he really did do nothing, he never even hit him back.

CMaz's avatar

@Dibley – No. I am saying that sometimes fathers get too close and do get too emotionally attached to their daughters. Becoming over protective, over overbearing and sometimes in extreme cases do have and develop a “darker” desire for their daughters.

If that is at all what is going on. That might not apply at all.

Just trying to understand why he would react in such a way. Jealousy sometimes being a motive.

snowberry's avatar

Your father is clearly irrational and dangerous, certainly when he’s drunk, but possibly when he’s sober too???

Sophief's avatar

@snowberry A little more background story, my dad was seeing a married woman and it was all very complicated, her husband knew about my dad and my dad just couldn’t be told. It all went wrong, but after the fall out. He claimed he loved this woman. My dad used to beat my mum when they were married, they divorced when I was around 5. He never hit anyone else after that.

@ChazMaz Oh , I see. That is possible, we did get quite close, and I know he issues with Paul not taking me over as often as my ex did.

life_after_2012's avatar

Text him that you love him from time to time.You don’t need to say anything else, just sneak it in there from time to time untill you guys can find a solution.

Sophief's avatar

@ChazMaz He could possibly be jealous. In the pub my dad put the chairs so he would be sat in the middle of us, and I looked across at Paul, and my dad said “do you want me to move?”, I said I was just looking at him. Maybe your right there, your answers do normally have the truth in them somewhere!

Sophief's avatar

@life_after_2012 I did after it all happened, he just he loved me to and then carried on to whatever it was he was saying.

TheJoker's avatar

There’s a very simple reason why you’ve fallen out with your dad…. you are a decent, kind & generally lovely person…. your dad, on the other hand, is a violent, unpleasant, cowardly, & deeply selfish person. There is no real reason why you would want him in your life, & if he didn’t have the title of ‘dad’ you wouldn’t think twice about cutting him out.
You’re worried about how you’d cope if something happened to him? Easy, you’d take 1 day at a time as you would with any other bit of bad news. This clearly isn’t something that bothers him, so why let it bother you.

Sophief's avatar

@TheJoker You are right also, I don’t like him, I love him, but because he is my dad. He is very selfish. He wanted me to leave the love of my life because he was feeling down, and I was so close to doing that. My mum said once he had a woman in his life then he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Maybe that is true. When he remarried when I was 7, I wasn’t invited.

Trillian's avatar

@Dibley so, how do you feel now? Aside from hurt, anger, and knowing better than to be alone with him I mean. I ask because there seems to be an unhealthy dynamic here. You say you and he had a two year break when you were 14 because you tuned the tv wrong. This is not rational and you doing something incorrectly is certainly no reason not to speak with you for two years. I see that you also excuse his behaviour to @CaptainHarley by saying that “It doesn’t normally affect him like that.” Well, this is none of my business, so please don’t take this like I’m judging you, ok? Lord knows I made enough excuses for my Sam before I finally left him in August, and I still look back and wish that things had been different. But the thing is, none of the things I did needed to be different, other than the excuse making. He was the one who chose to do drugs. He chose to lie to me about it and keep secrets. He chose to spend all of his money and much of mine. Yeah, I allowed that. He called me selfish if I didn’t fork over the money I had earned from working two jobs. He chose to spend his quality, prime time with people who didn’t care about him. Your father is an adult who makes his choices. None of them seem to be made with your best interests as a motivating factor. Yet you keep pursuing a relationship with him. Why? you’d be better served moving on with your own life and making sure those excuse making dynamics are a thing of your past.
I let go of my own father years ago. I still see or talk to him sometimes, but it’s more like he’s just somebody that I know. I hope you can come to a resolution that allows you freedom and happiness.

Sophief's avatar

@Trillian I feel like I should just forget about him and concentrate on my life, but at the same time I feel selfish and mean thinking like that. He is a drinker, and getting to be a big drinker. What hurt was that he knows just how much I love my boyfriend. My dad was sat in the back of the car and so he couldn’t get out, Paul got out the car and just walked, my dad was yelling, let me get him, let me get him. We had taken his christmas presents over that day. He hasn’t thanked me for them yet!
I don’t think you were judging me, I really don’t mind what anyone says, it’s just peoples opinions and that is what I’m after.

Buttonstc's avatar

Is he unreasonable and violent when he is NOT drinking?

Or is that difficult to determine because he is so seldom completely sober?

From what you’ve described of his behavior, these are not the actions and behavior of a rational individual. If it isn’t the booze, then he could be a plain old sociopath. Most noam people’s conscience would kick in at some point ( unless they are in typical alcoholic denial of everything).

So, is he a major drunk, or exactly what’s going on here?

TheJoker's avatar

@Dibley… It is hard, & a little unfair of me to put it the way I did. I guess I hear what your dads done to you & the effect it’s having on your life, even still. Then remember the emotions attached to my father… the biggest wanker thats ever lived!
I do genuinely believe that you’d be better off without him in your life though. From what I’ve gleaned he seems to be the cause of all the issues you have & I just dont see how you’ll ever resolve them with this destructive influence. & I really want you to be able to resolve things :)

Trillian's avatar

Then drop him like a bad habit. I see that a couple others have the same view. He apparently doesn’t give a rats ass how you feel, and his priority is definitely not being a father. Start putting together a family of your own and send him a card once a year.

Sophief's avatar

@Buttonstc He is unreasonable all the time, violent no. He did threaten to kill his girlfriends husband if he hit her again! He has just never been like it round me before.

snowberry's avatar

My mom drank, and because she staggered even when she was sober due to a horrible illness, I still have trouble spotting people who are drunk. It just does not register.

That reminds me a lot about your relationship with him

Steve_A's avatar

I think the best solution is to come out on top for yourself, be better and stronger than that.

Sophief's avatar

@TheJoker Thanks, I know you are right. Guess this is one of those times where I have to learn to put me first.

janbb's avatar

Sometimes our parents are just too toxic for us to be in a relationship with. It can take a long time to realize this, but when you start to, it is very liberating. It sounds like your father is a drunkard and abusive; only you can decide how much you want to take before diminishing the contact. Work on yourself primarily. dial back on reaching out to him, and then see where your comfort level lies in maintaining any or no contact. Good luck!

Sophief's avatar

@Trillian Thanks.You are right, same as everyone here, my mum even says the same thing and called him up and said that, and he said to her he would phone me and apologise….still waiting.

Trillian's avatar

@Dibley “his girlfriend’s husband…” Does anyone else see the basic problem with this sentence or am I just really, really old? I mean, what kind of drama does he have going on all day? You’re going to be so much better off without it.

Val123's avatar

Just stay on standby. Sounds like he’s on his way to rock bottom….

TheJoker's avatar

@Dibley…. Damn right girl!!! You deserve a 24crt Gold dad, not one from the mis-shapen bin at Ikea, you’ve seen it, missing a few bolts, & the Allen-keys gone missing. Seriously though, you don’t have to cut him off completely, just make enough effort so you know you’ve done your bit. I find the happy medium is sending cards on occasions. Other than that it’s all down to my dad…. which is why I haven’t seen him in person for 4yrs, haven’t spoken to him in 3yrs, & am much happier for it. At the bare minimum, at least he couldn’t do any more damage that way.

Yetanotheruser's avatar

@Dibley It is never a good situation to choose between two people you love, even in very different ways. My heart goes to you <3.

My older brother (RIP) was an alcoholic, and when I moved away from the home town, I did not like to call him, because I did not know if he would be sober or not. When I told him I was getting married to a black person, he was adamantly opposed to it. He thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I was devastated!

A year after we got married, after hearing nothing but good reports from our other family members, he called and talked to my wife for about three hours, and apologized for prejudging the effect she would have on my life.

I realize the feelings you have for your father are much different than those I had for my brother, but I can remember the conflicting feelings of love and betrayal.

W would second the recommendation to love him from a distance.

Sophief's avatar

@Trillian He was seeing a married woman, her husband knew about my dad. He beat her and she was suicidal, or claims to be. My dad really couldn’t see what was going on her. He said he loved her. Her husband attempted suicide and his wife and my dad sat by his bedside. I was totally shocked and just, well shocked at what he was actually doing.

@Val123 That’s what I’m afraid of.

@TheJoker Well it’s his birthday in March, I’ll send a card and see what happens.

@Yetanotheruser Sounds like a very close match to my situation, and again your right, I think I know what I have to do.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I’ll finish later D

Val123's avatar

@Dibley From what I understand, for a person to understand that they have a problem, they have to hit rock bottom. I don’t know how true it is, but I do know that when a person starts losing things that are very important to them, they should start assessing themselves and their lives. I would hope that losing a wife and now a daughter would force that issue. I don’t think I’d be too quick to forgive him…..maybe he needs to suffer the consequences…...gosh this is sad.

TheJoker's avatar

@Dibley… In that case, just remember to NEVER expect anything in return… certainly no ‘thank you’. If you can do that then you’ll have got yourself a working relationship with your father again… just this time, one that doesn’t damage you.

janbb's avatar

I would advise you only to send a card if you are not expecting a certain outcome. If you will be disappointed if he doesn’t respond, don’t send it. Believe me, I’ve been there (not with my father but in other situations.)

Sophief's avatar

@Val123 I don’t want him to hit rock bottom, but I do believe he is on his way. He can’t see he has a problem. It is so very sad.

@TheJoker I’ll try. He never thanked me for the christmas presents, a week after christmas I phoned him and asked if they were ok, he just said yes,. That isn’t like him, he has always been big on manners..

life_after_2012's avatar

I know too many people with relationships like this. I’ve been watching freinds that i love to death get abused all thier lives and there was absolutly nothing we could do to stop it. We just accept it because no matter what thats OUR mom and dad or brother. They are here for us and us for them period. We just wouldn’t turn our back on them, we may trade blows and say some mean things ( because thats how abuse effects people) we may not take them too serious anymore, and you can definetly tell this family is disfunctional, but we just deal with. you definetly will develop some thick skin from it, but these people are unheathly peolpe, that didn’t give too shits about thier own kids so you know they didnt care about them selves, we know they don’t like what they do and one day they will tell us how sorry they are. I geuss we just don’t want to miss that opprotunityor miss giving them that opprotunity so we are always on stand by.

TheJoker's avatar

@Dibley…. It’s hard to watch a person deteriorate before your eyes… but if there’s one thing that working in mental health has shown me to be an absolute truth it’s this… Unless a person wants help, & is ready & prepared to do whats needed, then there’s nothing you can do. I doubt he’ll get there, if ever, until he bottoms out, be there for him then, but dont you dare get caught in his trail of destruction as he plummets. Funny, if you were the parent here it’d be called ‘tough love’.

Trillian's avatar

exactly what @TheJoker said. There was nothing I could do for my SO. All I could do was get out of range so he didn’t take me down with him.

Yetanotheruser's avatar

@TheJoker It is tough love. GA

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

My dad was an alcoholic for a time too and he was violent with my mom and myself – eventually my brother grew up and stood between him and us and fought him. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I always hated my father for his drinking and for his violence. I would NOT be okay with the situation you describe – I am never okay with people hitting others (alcoholism is NO excuse) and until I heard any genuine apology, I wouldn’t speak to him. And my father is dead and he wasn’t an alcoholic or a violent person towards his life anymore but I will not say that made anything okay.

Sophief's avatar

@TheJoker I will try, I promise. @Trillian Thanks, sorry about your s/o, it couldn’t of been easy. @Simone_De_Beauvoir How did you feel when he died?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Dibley Contradictory emotions – I felt that I was glad he died in his sleep because he suffered so much with his cancer in the last couple of weeks…I felt at peace because we were able to spend the past couple of months not biting each other’s heads off…I felt relieved because he wouldn’t be able to any longer make me hate him so much…I felt relieved because now my mother can stop explaining me to him all the time, which used to drive me crazy

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Dibley don’t be sorry. i am freer now. as is he. and thanks

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Dibley It’s a little hard for me to give you a good answer because I had the exact opposite situation. I had a great dad, just lost him way too soon. Your dad isn’t making any effort towards your relationship and it takes two. You can’t force him to, so leave the lines of communication open and leave it up to him. As long as you aren’t the one to cut the ties, you shouldn’t feel any guilt or remorse if something happens to him. You most likely will, but your leaving the decision up to him. Life is hard enough without a toxic person. So take care of yourself first and foremost. If he chooses one way or another that’s his call and you’ve done everything you can do.

Sophief's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe I have in a way cut ties, but I never started it. I don’t think you can maybe understand without prehaps having some kind of experience, do you understand?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Yes. Until You personnally deal with that kind of mess it isn’t possible to know all the details. I know the pain of losing a loved one but not for the same reasons you would.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

That was a good question. It most take considerable courage to put the details out there, but I think you may help some people out who are dealing with similar circumstances.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley It sounds like he’s on the way down very fast. There’s really nothing you can do if he doesn’t want help. The violence issue may place you in danger if you try to intervene. About all you can do is keep a line of communication open. Does he even say what it is about Paul that he dislikes? His own amorous behaviour is far from exemplary. I think that Paul showed great restraint and concern for your feelings in not even defending himself. Did he act violently towards you also in that encounter?

MagsRags's avatar

@Dibley have you considered trying Alanon? No matter where you live, there’s probably a regular meeting near you. Try googling alanon and the state you live in. It’s for people who have significant others or close family members who are alcoholic or have other addictive issues.

It’s anonymous and the people you meet have been through the same things you’re dealing with. They understand because they’ve been where you are, and are in various stages of figuring out how to lead emotionally healthy lives. Hearing their stories and sharing yours if you want helps you get some perspective on where you’ve been and gives you the courage to make positive changes in your life.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Dibley I should clarify what I meant by cutting ties. It is ok to cut the ties that let him intrude into your life in any negative manner. If he’s only going to respond by making your life miserable each time you reach out to him, cut those ties. Just let him know that if he wants to reach out to you and have a positive relationship, you will leave that tie open. Wow, I didn’t appreciate how hard dealing with this is until I really thought it thru. I think about how much I loved my father and then I try to put myself in your position and it blows my mind. How the hell have you done it over the years? I think of myself as a strong person, but I don’t know if I’m that strong anymore. You have my admiration.

mollypop51797's avatar

Well, you know what? all things happen for a reason! You have done what you could do, pushing it won’t help the cause seeing where he is now. It’s his turn now to chose whether he wants to push you away, or stay close. It may take a few years, it may take a few months, but what really matters is the path he wants to take the actions he chooses to make.

Val123's avatar

I just really think you need to politely, but firmly no longer include him in family activities, and you no longer participate in activities involving him, if at all possible. Some things, like family reunions can’t always be avoided. But seriously. If he, say, invites you over for dinner say, “Dad. I love you. But I can’t be around you until you stop drinking. Call me when you have.”

filmfann's avatar

You need to forgive your father without his saying he was sorry. You need to love him unconditionally.
He was wrong. You need to be above making him say that.
Cherish your family.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@filmfann violence, imo, is not to be cherished – all the more so from family.

Buttonstc's avatar

@filmfann

I’m going to assume that you have never been the victim of an irrationally violent family member as you wouldn’t be giving advice like that if you had.

Forgiveness is one thing, forgetting is another. As a female she is in real potential danger. Unless and until he acknowledges his behavior, she should never let her guard down.

If she chooses to pursue the path of forgiveness that’s fine and I think she should for her own peace of mind.

But it’s the word unconditional which I find bothersome. For her safety, she needs to make some conditions very clear in her own mind.

Physical violence is a non-negotiable issue.

This man is either a sociopath or a raging alcoholic ( I cant determine which from just the little info given) But regardless, he is most definitely not acting the way a normal Father would.

I realize the good intent in your advice and if it were just a situation of an argument, it would be applicable. But this situation is drastically more serious than that.

Simone is correct. Physical violence is NEVER an option in an argument. This is the very first principle which is taught in anger management classes.

How do I know that? I had to hear my younger brother telling me about his court-mandated classes following a domestic violence arrest. The one thing that they kept trying to drill into their consciousness is that physical violence is NEVER AN OPTION.

And did he come up with his violent responses all on his own? Of course not. He learned it (literally) at his Father’s knee.

But these classes were 10+ years ago and evidently he got the message.

Unfortunately this young lady’s Father has yet to learn (or believe) this.

Unconditional acceptance is NOT going to convince him that he needs to put the brakes on his out of control violent behavior. Hopefully, at some point the law can step in and jerk a knot in his tail. Something needs to wake him up to reality.

Sophief's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land No, just said Paul is a piece of shit, I think it is very much what @ChazMaz says, jealousy. He didn’t personally attack me, but I was caught in the crossfire.

Sophief's avatar

@MagsRags I have never heard of Alanon, I live in England?

Sophief's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Thank you. I will be there if he comes to me, but I do need to cut ties to who is he now. It is very hard to deal with. You are very lucky to of had a loving father, there is nothing worse than than being a nothing your to your father, because that is how you expect other men to treat when you have relationships of your own.

Sophief's avatar

@Buttonstc Thanks for defending me, appreciated.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley Alanon is an organization associated with Alcoholics Anonymous. It focuses on supporting family members of people with alcohol problems.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Dibley Don’t go thru life expecting all men to treat you poorly. There are some good ones out there. I have a little better appreciation of how you feel. I tried to project myself into your situation, and while I’m sure I didn’t even come close, it was a totally unexpected reaction I felt. I expected anger and resentment. I got a physical pain in the stomach, a feeling of needing to vomit and a strong self loathing. I felt like I was a worthless piece of crap. I’ve still got the stomach pain. I can’t imagine what it must be like to endure what you have gone thru. You are a truely beautiful person, and the guy the ends up with you should count all of his blessings. I better stop there before the guy patrol comes to take away my Y chromosome.

TheJoker's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe…. too late, hehehe!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I’m just an X now?

TheJoker's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe…. Fraid so, you’re an actual X-Man now, hahahaha :)

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@TheJoker lol. You know her,it might be worth it if it helped her out.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@TheJoker Maybe I could get into the X Games

TheJoker's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe…. I’m quite sure you could :) You could specialise in riding X-bikes, & do your preparation on a X-trainer

Sophief's avatar

@TheJoker @Adirondackwannabe What is with all this x stuff?

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Buttonstc +GA. My ladys father was like that, too. Total estrangement. He refused to attend his own daughters wedding (or funeral).

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Dibley Go back a few answers. I had to turn in my testicles

Sophief's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land That is something else I’m afraid of, what if I get married and I have no one to give me away?

Sophief's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Do you speak like a girl now?

janbb's avatar

Going back a few answers too, I don’t think you have to love anyone unconditionally except, perhaps, your children. Toxic parents are toxic and you need to protect yourself from them first. Forgiveness can come later or it may not. It might be helpful for you to get some counseling on this, Dibley.

As to who will give you away, that is a side question and one that you can solve after you have done this work. It sounds like you are just throwing up roadblocks now.

TheJoker's avatar

@Dibley….. Yes he does! At least when he’s not busy doing ‘ladies things’

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley Unfortunately that might be the case. Your father might not be quite so far gone though. How is he when sober? Meghans father had other issues besides alcoholism.

Sophief's avatar

@janbb Thanks. I do love him unconditionally, but I hate him right now, and forgiveness is not an option until he can realise he has hurt me, I’m not a little girl anymore.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I don’t know. When we have gone over in the past, we have always met him in the pub, but he was never aggressive. I think he is just jealous of Paul and he doesn’t want to see me happy.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley Paul is a fine man who treats you well. You obviously love him; follow your heart. Your fathers opinions just can’t be taken into account since he’s not acting rationally. It’s your life and happiness after all.
In our wedding, we just eliminated the procession up the aisle. It was the least clumsy way to do things. We entered through opposite side doors accompanied by our brides maids and groomsmen. After the ceremony we went down the aisle together and through the saber arch on the steps outside.

Sophief's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I think my dad just wants me to himself. In my previous relationship I saw more of him and I think that is a big issue.

Yetanotheruser's avatar

@janbb Unconditional love does not necessarily mean automatic forgiveness. Especially if it is combined with tough love.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Dibley Because your the last family he has? If he lets you go is he totally alone in the world?

Sophief's avatar

@Yetanotheruser Your right and I really am not ready to forgive. It is so frustrating that he can’t see what he did was so out of order.

@Adirondackwannabe His parents have passed away. He has a brother he doesn’t speak to. He has his sister. I’m his only child.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley But he never really has treated you as a father should, at least not for a very long time. His behaviour probably has a lot to do with his brother and sister not speaking to him also.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Dibley That might be a reason for some of his actions. I’m no expert obviously, but I can’t imagine what feeling alone in the world feels like. I come from an extremely close family. That feeling must be difficult.

Sophief's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Your making me feel guilty and that isn’t how I wanted to feel. It hurt me really bad.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Dibley If I go to far feel free to slap me down.

Sophief's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land He does speak to his sister. He hasn’t spoken to his brother in about 25 years.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Dibley I had that message in process when I got yours. I didn’t intend that, I’m just trying to understand.

Sophief's avatar

We used to phone each other every single day. He has a lot of friends and unfortunately alot of female friends, he is a very good looking man for his age.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Dibley Are you okay Dibs? I didn’t mean to hurt you.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley So he’s not totally alone then. You know Paul and love him. Your father will just have to accept that. We went through the same thing, only that Meghans father had cut the tie long before. He may have some issue with contolling all the women in his life, he doesn’t want you out of his control. Now he’s acting like a badly behaving child; tantrums and “silent treatment”.

Sophief's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Yes I’m ok, you didn’t hurt me, just sent a pang of guilt to me, but it’s fading.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land He’s not totally alone no. I just wish I could be strong enough to control my feelings, I do not want to feel guilty or think about it continuously anymore. I feel like I was to blame and I wasn’t. I feel like I should be apologising and I shouldn’t.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Life just sucks sometimes. Maybe to make us appreciate the good things more? I wish I knew the answers.

Sophief's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Life sucks a lot! Trouble is though, when I get something in my head it is very difficult for it to get out, and it goes round and round, and it eats me up.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Dibley Choices like this always suck. I guess that’s one answer.

TheJoker's avatar

@Dibley…. I’m the same with overthinking things. I’ve found it only stops when you make a decision.

MagsRags's avatar

@Dibley even an apology from him, as much as it might feel good in the moment, is pretty meaningless if it doesn’t come with a sincere effort to change his behavior.

BTW, Al-Anon is active in the UK – I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Sophief's avatar

Ok for those of you who took time to be caring and answered this question, I would like to give an update and then would like your opinions.

Today, I made a mistake and text my dad, @Adirondackwannabe made me feel a little guilty other day and I wanted to give it one last go, this is the conversation word for word.

Me; What is your problem
Dad; You have been trying to fall out with me for ages
Me; I am not looking to fall out with you. You caused all this, no one else. You should be lucky I am still speaking to you after what you have done.
Me;You got nothing to say to that?
Dad; Don’t talk to me then if you don’t want.
Me; So basically your not bothered or sorry?

No reply.

snowberry's avatar

@Dibley, copy off his last text, and frame it. Look at it every time you start thinking you did something to create the problem….or whenever.

Sophief's avatar

@snowberry Thanks. I knew I shouldn’t of tried, but I guess now he can’t say I didn’t.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I pushed a few of the wrong buttons.

Sophief's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe It’s ok, at least I tried again.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

It goes back to one of my first responses. I haven’t been there and done that, so I stepped on a few areas I shouldn’t have.

Sophief's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Ok, so now what do you think?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

You’ve done everything you can do. I guess the balls in his court.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I was wrong to go into some of the areas I did, mainly from my ignorance, and I do apologize. I realize, too late, that some areas I can look into without pain are not areas you should go. I learn the most by screwing up.

TheJoker's avatar

@Dibley…. Well, I think you’ve drawn a line under that one, as suspected your dad has demonstrated himself to be exactly what I thought, & you deserve so much more, but we only get what we’re given. So keep yourself safe, both emotionally & from any flailing fists.

Sophief's avatar

@TheJoker I can’t believe he is being so ‘couldn’t care less attitude’.

TheJoker's avatar

@Dibley… I’m not going to try to make you empathise but just run with me for a min. Your dad is clearly a messed up person in the head, & the most common mental health issue is depression, as you & I are well aware. When you’re feeling depressed, especially if things have been abit crappy what do you want to do…. things that damage yourself. It seems like he’s doing the same, just harming himself in a social context by pushing you away further, rather than physically hurting himself.

Sophief's avatar

@TheJoker Yea I agree with you, but he way too proud to ever get help.

TheJoker's avatar

@Dibley…. I’ve often said that the worst thing that happens to a child is it’s parents. You deserve so much more. & he’ll never realise what he’s missed out on.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley He has just demonstrated that he his seeing everything upside-down and backwards. As @TheJoker pointed out, our depression makes us blame ourselves for everything. It puts us in a disadvantaged position when dealing with people, especially those trying to play control games with us.

You have now gone beyond the call of duty. Concentrate now on your own issues and the relationship with your great guy.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Thanks guys for taking a pass on pointing out what a horse’s ass I am. I can’t believe I phrased that like that. When I fuck up, I do it in a spectacular manner.

Sophief's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land and @TheJoker . Thank you, I won’t be contacting him again now, it’s now all up to him.

@Adirondackwannabe I said it was ok, at least I double checked what a find of father I have.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Dibley Thank you. You have a lot of class. I need to be more aware of how my words come across.

Poser's avatar

Fathering a child doesn’t entitle anyone to unconditional love by that child. Being fathered by a man doesn’t obligate you to allow their illegal, unhealthy, irrational and dangerous behavior to harm you.

Cut him loose. You don’t owe him anything. Just remember your dad is a selfish alcoholic. It isn’t your fault. It is his.

free_fallin's avatar

I’ve had to live like that, losing someone who means so much to me. Maybe time will really heal the wounds. I hope so for you.

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