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Just_Justine's avatar

I think I am in an online" relationship" that is all a lie, I really need advice?"?

Asked by Just_Justine (6456 points ) February 10th, 2010

I am hoping to keep this short, but not miss anything out, as I really need some insight, more than advice.I have had my own issues over the years, and realize that being on line and chatting filled a “gap” for me. Over the years, I have met many people whom I didn’t take too seriously, as I realize the limitations and issues with this sort of thing.
Six years ago I met a guy, and over a process of time, we shared our thoughts and ideas, and then progressed to sharing our daily activities. You could say we became really important to each other in this capacity. He is now 33. He lives at home with his parents, and although highly educated does not work. Which I have always found hard to digest. About two years ago, he was going to fly out to me to meet me (different countries). But 3 days before due date he said he broke his foot? Now he is a very honest guy, or so I thought, but decided he was not ready. Of late, he has been telling me of a business venture that takes up most of his day. So he is off line during the day. (We talk all the time). He said that this venture was going so well, (as his others had not) and all he needed was a connection in India. I arranged a connection with a guy in India, but when I asked the guy, the guy said my friend had not even contacted him, or asked him. I feel freaked out. Is he lying? If so is everything a lie, I am totally confused. The thing is I have trusted him with my life, all of it. How do I deal with this? He knows “too” much about me to feel comfortable right now and should I distance myself from him. Oh gosh, I am so confused. Thanks for your insights in advance.

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20 Answers

Cruiser's avatar

Google his name and address and see what comes up. His business venture sounds shaky at best. I have met a few very nice people online but also have flushed out some impostors and when that does happen it is never pretty.

SundayKittens's avatar

That IS frustrating. If nothing else take it as a lesson learned.
I’ve also seen ads for background checks. Seems like maybe it’d be worth it to check him out.
I can imagine you feel really let down and betrayed. It sounds like he’s not been truthful with you and it’s probably best to distance yourself.

trailsillustrated's avatar

it’s a lie. ditch him. he can’t do anything to you

jbfletcherfan's avatar

For as much time as you have spent talking to him, you’d think you’d know him. But do you really? Especially since he’s in another country, that poses a whole lot of problems. He COULD have broken his foot…who knows? OR…he got cold feet at the last minute. There could be a new business venture…or not. Him living with his parents at 33 leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Hell, he COULD be married with a house full of kids! He could have been feeding you a line all this time. Keep that possibility open. People tell you what they want you to THINK. I think you should try to start distancing yourself from him in your mind. After talking to him for this long a time, it’s going to he hard. But the circumstances are just too iffy for this to turn into anything good. I know you’re hurting. And you probably feel foolish. But just take this a day at a time & think it through. @Cruiser & @kikibirdjones make excellent points. Try to get the guy checked out if you can afford it. Then you’ll know for sure what you’re dealing with. My best to you. :-)

ModernEpicurian's avatar

I would definitely be considering a quick background check, or at the very lest a quick search around the internet myself, people leave footprints all over the place if you learn how to find them.
I would also be questioning him about the contact with the connection in India, just to see what his answer is, analyse everything that he says for tell tale signs of lying and squirming.
I’d be straight with him, if he does mean that much to you. But I would also hold a certain amount of yourself from him, be wary.
Hope it all goes well :-)

TheJoker's avatar

My gut feeling is that @trailsillustrated is right & that this guy is either a fantasist or dishonest. Either way he’s potential trouble. &, I don’t want to be mean here, but lets say he’s honest…. do ya really need a 33yr old bloke, that’s unemployed & lives with his mum. It’s all abit ‘Comic Book guy’.

janbb's avatar

Don’t have any advice to add to the excellent advice above; just want to say I sympathize and don’t beat yourself up! It’s a painful situation to go through.

the_state_of_wisconsin's avatar

hmm…i think that the value of having a “real” persona on the internet is being overrated here…

you say that you “met” him, right? i mean, what if he, like thousands of other people, are just talking themselves up with the comfort of anonymity?

it’s no different when you take that flattering self-photo with your digital camera and put it on myspace…

it seems obvious that he is probably not who you think he is…i think that in the context you are experiencing this all in, it is very easy for one “white lie” to become many. this isn’t to say that he is necessarily a bad person though…but i think that you may be expecting to much from this type of relationship.

you should be careful of investing yourself further in this…i think that committing further actual resources, (your time, and feelings as well), will probably lead to disappointment.

Just_Justine's avatar

@ModernEpicurian thanks guys, ty modernepicurian how do you leave footprints I am searching a bit now, can’t find anything?

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I would not talk to him anymore.

jca's avatar

I am guessing “footprints” means, for example, if you are mentioned in a newspaper article, that’s a footprint. if you are a member of a group, union, club, class, whatever, and they publish a newsletter or some other publication or have photos and you are mentioned, that’s a footprint. those are two examples i can think of offhand

i know what is probably hard is that this person has been a part of your life for a while now, and it’s hard to suddenly lose a part of your life – it leaves an empty space. time that you would have been emailing, talking on phone, thinking about the person, is now time that’s no longer used for that purpose. the thing about someone on the internet is they might not have the name that they are telling you they have, all the details about that person might be totally made up, thanks to the anonymity of the internet. if i were you, the thing about the visit (broken foot) and now the part about him not contacting the person in india would make me cut my losses. don’t confront in an angry way, because if he knows anything about you he can use it against you, for example contacting your job and forwarding some of your emails or something like that. i would just become more and more distant, until i faded away, if i were you.

marinelife's avatar

Would you have a relationship with this huy if you met him in the real world?

1. He’s 33 and lives with his mother.

2. He does not work.

What would have happened if he had come to meet you? Would you have replaced his mother as his main support?

He is not going to change.

It does not matter if he is lying (which he is), his circumstances are such that you should run screaming for the hills.

CMaz's avatar

“I think I am in an online” relationship” that is all a lie”

Yes it is.
Especially after it being 6 years old. A very comfortable lie.

Jack79's avatar

So from what I understand you’ve never actually met the guy in person at all? In that case yes, it could be “all” a lie. Though from the way you’re describing it, it seems only the last bit is fishy and he’s probably hiding something (perhaps he’s met someone closer in the meantime, and obviously didn’t tell you about it). My guess is that most of it is true, but there is at least one secret there. But you’ll find out sooner or later, try not to become paranoid over this, and maybe give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

Just_Justine's avatar

@jca too true, he know more about me than anyone I know and stuff I’d rather not share you know with the world

Just_Justine's avatar

@marinelife I know, I guess like anything it developed and you think oh well he’s young he’ll grow up, but nothing changed, well apparently nothing changed. Who will ever know what is happening. I guess he was a great sounding board but in real life I could not sustain a guy who can leave home, and find a job.

Likeradar's avatar

In strictly on-line relationships, all you can go on is words. His words don’t add up to anything worthwhile, imho. It sounds like he’s full of shit, but even if he’s not- listen to @marinelife.

wundayatta's avatar

I just wrote a letter to another friend this morning (you can see a sanitized version on my blog) about getting over the breakup of an internet relationship—something, I might add, that I have far too much experience with.

She met a guy from Wales over the internet. They fell in love. They visited each other. They like each other and the kids liked him. It was a big hit all around. It was time for him to move to the US.

He wouldn’t. He kept on dragging his feet. Finally she gave him an ultimatum, and he said he had to let her go free.

She was devastated. She felt like she’d been sold a bill of goods. At the beginning of the relationship she had told him that she wanted to make sure that if it worked out,, he would move. He kept on saying he wanted to go forward. But when the chips were down, he folded.

I think that people get involved in things over the internet, not really expecting for things to get real. Somehow, its this fantasy sandbox we can play in. But down the line, when things start getting serious, people start to realize what they are doing—moving countries, becoming fathers, living with someone who is bipolar, and they freak. They realize that they didn’t sign up for this, not really. It was cool while it was a fantasy, but to meet in reality? Uh-uh.

This has happened to me, and it was devastating—doubly so because there was no one I could talk to about it—except more internet people.

The contact business doesn’t bother me. I’ve seen it a gazillion times. Someone wants something, but when they get it, they don’t need it any more or its become irrelevant, but it is embarrassing to tell the person who went out of her way to provide it that her work was for nothing.

Funny thing. The last internet relationship I had was with a woman who was living with her parents. The moment we had an opportunity to meet, she cut it off in one curt email, and I never heard from her again. She knew a lot about me. I had sent her some rather embarrassing videos and pictures.

She could do a lot to hurt me. In addition to what she already did. Perhaps I am foolish, but I believe, despite the way she treated me, that she is an honorable person, and she won’t try to hurt me.

I don’t think people set out to get over on someone on the internet—not usually. Sometimes shit happens. Sometimes things go in unexpected directions. You’ve known this guy for six years. You know him pretty well. Probably as well as anyone. You can assess what he will likely do if you break up. You just have to make the prediction and go with it.

What you should not do is let yourself be held hostage by whatever it is he holds over you. You say he holds your life, but I don’t know what that means. I don’t know how to believe that. It seems unlikely. More like you are afraid, than it is literally true.

My guess is that the relationship is over. He or you might not want to believe that, but it’s over. Breaking up? I don’t know. I vote for fast and certain, but that also hurts like hell. I guess I would amend that to say fast and certain with a heads-up and an explanation. Then boom! It’s gone forever.

If I had to guess about his behavior afterwards…. well I don’t really know you and I don’t know what kind of people you choose. I feel very confident that the people I trust with my life are trustworthy, even after the relationship ends. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. They all said they cared for me even afterwards. Several remained friends.

I don’t know about your situation, but that’s the assessment you have to make before you decide which action to take.

Just_Justine's avatar

@wundayatta I don’t think I said “holds” my life, but for a large part that is true. In that I share everything, thought etc., with him. In a way though, I realize I’ve wasted a lot of time on this, for my own reasons, ultimately we only have ourselves to blame. I guess too he served his purpose in that he was a great friend for a long time. But I just don’t trust him now. He lives to see me online, so it makes no sense. Unless like some one said, he lives in a sandbox, and this is as far as he can go. If I try to cut off contact with him he gets upset. So don’t know. Like you I shared too much stuff. I don’t think he would harm me with it. Although who knows? I think like someone else said, a slow detachment would be better, although not my style. Then vanish for good—

wundayatta's avatar

@Just_Justine Your actual words were “trusted him with my life.” Sorry for misinterpreting.

Of course he will get upset if you try to cut off contact. What happened to me was she sent me an email, and then never tried to contact me again. It was harsh, but maybe it was the right way to do it. Then again, I took her seriously and never tried to contact her. I came very close, but…. I don’t know how long I will long for her, but it’s been a while.

He’ll deal with it. You can stop taking his emails or his calls or whatever. You can put up filters that bounce the email so you never see it. You can block phone calls. Whatever. You need not vanish. If he’s not going to harm you, then he’ll deal with it. I mean, what’s he gonna do? Come knock on your door? If he could do that, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

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