What's the best way to make a difficult choice?

My therapists told me to make a list of the pros and cons of each option and then step back and look at it from that vantage point. That sounds so logical and mathematical to simply choose the route with the most pros and least cons. However, in my case, the last decision I made was just purely the only thing that felt right in my heart, in spite of the cons. It maybe a girl thing. I never regret though, relying on my instincts and what my heart is really telling me to do. For me, the answers come from within, no matter how illogical it seems on the outside. I believe in dreamers and risk takers and adventurers. Perhaps I am too romantic.

Maybe a pros/cons list would help you make your choice.Good luck :)

@escapedone7 -“I believe in dreamers and risk takers and adventurers”
me too

What holds you back from doing what you want to do?

Not only do you need to observe the pros and cons, but you need to weight them accordingly.

You may list a con that is not as bad as the con for the other option; you need to make sure these weights are present in the list. Make sure you are detailed in your analysis and try to choose as objectively as possible.

For difficult decisions I use a mixture of logic and intuition. Making a life altering decision for me can be a long process. Think it over and over again. Run through scenarios in your head. Make lists like others have suggested. Exhaust yourself with possibilities until the answer becomes clear.

It might sound crazy, but sometimes I go for a drive and talk it out with myself as though I’m talking to a friend. It helps me to understand my motivations and needs. And, talk to friends and ask them what they would do if they were you. You won’t necessarily take their advice, but it helps to get other perspectives. In the end, figure out what your heart truly wants and do that. Do the thing that won’t make you look back with regret when you’re old. Usually, after weeks of foggy thinking, talking and imagining the right choice becomes quite apparent and then I just know for certain that it is the right thing for me to do.

Making tough decisions sucks. I wish you the best and I hope it brings positive changes for you.

I ponder it for a while then stop thinking about it. One day I just have the answer. My mind is processing it in the background.

If you do a pro/con list, do not ignore your intuition. Put “gut feeling” in the pro side of whichever option is calling out to you.

Carefully.

A good friend reminded me about how life is too short and the prospect of not living life to it’s fullest. That concept of each day possibly being your last can cast a whole new colored lens in how you view your life and each day in how you live or want to live it. Bottom line it is your life and maybe just maybe that job is not worthy of your investment of your time. Being obligated especially to others can be a burden that is hard to unload or turn away from. It all boils down to what does @tinyfaery want out of life…start there and put the other pieces to your puzzle in place and your picture should emerge.

It’s easy. Move towards the pain and suffering every time. Take what seems to be the hard road, always. Whatever choice presents the biggest obstacles, that’s the right decision. You’ll be a better person for it in the long run, and be better equipped to handle more difficult decisions in the future.

no pain, no gain

Or you could kick back, relax, and let the river do the rowing.

But you’ll never learn how to row for yourself.

it sounds to me as if you already know what you would prefer to do. and that sounds like change. the way to make everyone else happy about your change is to make your change a big success.

to make that happen, takes planning.

And planning is my suggestion for you. Keep doing whatever you’re doing at present, but meditate on your dream, plan it all out. When your plan is fully worked out in your mind and on paper and you can see exactly how to tackle it from begging to end, and you know how to make a big success out of it.. when you are fully aware of how to accomplish your goal, when there are no questions left about whether or not it will work.. at that point, you won’t be able to prevent it from happening. You’ll simply have what you want.

Sometimes when my head is swimming with overload I look for practical and logical approaches such as engaging with an ethical model, as found at the bottom of this page: http://www.scu.edu/ethics/practicing/decision/framework.html and some of the other ideas listed here.

If you are faced with choices that leave you saying goodbye to one thing, in order to say hello to something else, it is no surprise if you find yourself filled with confusion and mixed reactions. Ultimately, I think it is important to underly our discernment processes with patience and self-care. Lean in to those who care for you and can be present to you without judgement.

Good answer, @Cruiser!

I don’t know the answer to this, but want to wish you luck in your endeavor!

I’d assess the risk: what’s the worst that can happen if I do? if I don’t?
Whom am I hurting if I do? if I don’t?

I’d ask myself:
If I’m going to do this sooner or later, why not now?
If I never do, will I always wonder if I could have (or wish I had)?
Will this decision settle the question once and for all, or will it keep gnawing at me?

I’d ask:
What’s holding me back? what am I really afraid of? or, what more would I need to know in order to feel confident/comfortable with deciding/not deciding to do this?

I would not make lists of pros and cons. It isn’t a matter of numbers. This might be an entertaining exercise, but it isn’t useful. Much more useful for me would be to say “Ok, imagine I’m on my deathbed and reflecting over the course of my life. Will this have been something I’m glad I did—time well spent? a brave move or a foolish one? Will I regret it or be proud I went for it?”

I would ask myself: what does my gut tell me? And how’s my track record when I go with (or against) my gut?

And finally: is it reversible? If I make a mistake, is there any way to back up, back out, or undo it, or am I passing through a one-way door?

I have made most of my big decisions this way—big, utterly life-altering decisions. There’s not a one of them that I would go back and undo.

The one that I made 99% on emotion, the one that I made for love, with very little rational process of any sort—I don’t regret that one either.

If possible, find a way to make it less impulsive, less extreme. You can take risks to a degree but in other ways…if you are trying to emotionally, physically, and career wise make a 180 change…that is a lot to take on and try to adapt to. You want whatever change you make to be one for the better, to be positive, productive….right? Then don’t set yourself up to fail. You can’t predict what will happen…everything, everything, everything in moderation. Figure out how to make this transition in small but numerous phases so you can maintain your own sanity as well.

You have gotten a lot of good advice. On a less serious note:
http://11.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kso87nkZ0e1qzxgcfo1_400.jpg

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. When making a big move like that one has to weigh in the logic 1st then passion. What you want to do (change wise) you have to consider how long will it take, any additional study or training? How long will that training take? How will you survive while you make the change if it takes more training or a span of time to be profitable? Are their others, spouse and children you need to support that can effect how and what changes you make? Can you simply do it because you want or, do you need to get the nod of someone else (get hire or appointed)?

Then you go to the passion. Who much is the change increasing your quality of life? If you do it will you get up energized and roaring to get to work? Will if provide you long term freedom or financial stability for yourself or your family? Will you come home in a better mood? I can’t say for sure but I believe if you are in a job you really love you have less stress and more joy which can lead to a longer life.

I’d listen to my gut feeling, it never fails. No matter what decisions I need to make, big or small, I always have some sort of gut feeling what I really should be doing, so I listen to my heart and it’s never failed so far. I’ve made a lot of life changing decisions in my life as well, concering career choice, education etc and even though I made a list of pro and cons at the time I still ended up following my heart.
Also like others have already stated, you need to outline what your priorities in life are and make your decision based on your view of life quality and what, in your opinion constitutes “a good choice”.

As @escapedone7 has already said, write down the pros and cons.
I know it seems illogical, but it really does work.
Good luck

anytime people make big decisions, they often forget to factor in the consequences – I mean that once you’ve decided on a course of action, you have to be committed to following it through despite any setbacks by being flexible and creative, by recognising that there will be obstacles to overcome as part of the decision made, and be confident that you’ve made this decision because you believe it to be best, and have the vision that will see it become a success

Talking to people you trust. Sleeping on it.

Your “certain others” should be happy with your decision. Your happiness should be their concern. Also, if you are not happy, that affects the one’s you really love in a negative way. After all, being happy is what life is about.

Gotta say, this is the first time that I agree with @Hypocrisy_Central.

My grandfather always made his toughest choices at night, when he was in bed before he fell asleep. He always said that allowed him to concentrate on all the angles. I use that, but I also like to look in a mirror and discuss the questions verbally. If I can look at the person looking back at me and feel I’m making the best choice for that person, I can make the right decision. Some times, the answer sucks, but it’s the right answer.

I find that I tend to make difficult decisions at 2 a.m. This started in college, when I was lying in bed thinking about my coursework. I thought to myself, “Why don’t you just change your major; you hate half the required courses.” In retrospect, the dilemma had been going on for awhile in my subconscious; in the wee hours of the morning, it finally came to light. It was probably because I wasn’t distracted by extraneous stuff going on.

I second those who say “sleep on it.” It allows you a period of reflection and may help your subconscious finally get through to you. :-)

“What’s the best way to make a difficult choice?”

By making it.

Ask the question, flip a coin. Make a note of your feeling as soon as the coin hits the back of your hand. That feeling is your answer.

@Just_Justine That brings back a memory from my first job. I was in banking and always getting loan requests, some of which the answer wasn’t always clear. One of my associates came up with the idea of a magic quarter, and we flipped a coin. The strange thing is the quarter was always right. It never came up with a bad decision in almost twelve years.

@Adirondackwannabe I must emphasis the “feeling” when it hits your palm. Because we tend to cover up our real feelings within some 5 seconds. So no matter which way it falls, feel the feeling. Then you know your answer.

@Just_Justine That’s interesting. I over analyze at times, but your right. There’s that intuitive feeling at times.

@Just_Justine one may know their feeling, but can we be sure that is where our answer lies? (I’ve noticed in other posts you’ve written that you are no stranger to wrestling with emotions and ask this with sincerity.)

I ask this thinking about times my feelings have led me astray. I have trusted where trust didn’t belong. I’ve felt comfort in that which was actually toxic for me. I say this also knowing my feelings have led me in the right direction. My feelings have told me something is wrong when all the evidence pointed to everything being right.

@liminal I maybe should have been clearer in the sense of knowing where your heart is. In a given situation. I would use it more in a case of should I move to the UK or stay where I am. The question seemed to me (I might be wrong) that it was decision based. I find most of my questions wrestle with how to deal with things beyond my control, or that I feel are beyond my control. Not things that I can make a decision on. But I still would write here for opinions upon a decision anyway if I doubted my heart.

I assume you’ve been talking this over with your wife and have her feelings on it.

I usually mull and stew, mull and stew and eventually some form of clarity emerges if I’m lucky. As I cited on another thead earlier today, I was in a very painful job situation about 15 years ago, and while on vacation woke up with the realization that I had to leave it. One of the best decisions of my life; I ended up walking into an ideal job 2 days after I had resigned from the old one.

A tactic that my husband taught me for smaller decisions can sometimes bring clarity. Toss a coin and when the results come up, you will see if you are happy or sad about them. It can be a clue to your true feelings.

A third thought. I read a quote in a novel once that had some meaning for me. “If you have to choose betwee two courses of action, choose the more active one. It’s the more human thing to do.”

Don’t know if this helps – good luck with the decision, tiny!

@liminal I just had the strangest sensation. We americans have a phrase, stepping on my grave. It sends a chill right up our backs. A lyric from a song addressing exactly what you’re saying is stuck in the back of my mind and I can’t come up with it. It’s driving me crazy, its perfect for your question, but I can’t get it to come thru. I’ll work on it.

@liminal It’s the child speaking at the very beginning of Shinedown’s us and them cd before The Dream starts.

@Just_Justine I think you were clear. I am very interested in feelings and how they wiggle around in us. I was interested in hearing a bit more from you is all, thank you. :)

@Adirondackwannabe I am going to have to look this up!

@liminal Let me know what you think of it. It’s a little abstract, but I like it.

That’s still to general unless you want general advice like think it over and do what you decide is best for you.

…What i do is to rule out everything else as being of any use . Go through every single possibility, seeing what is no good and excluding it and the obvious decision remains as your only logical choice.

Sometimes when I need to make a difficult choice or a change, I go for drastic – I know I sound like a broken record, but doing Bikram Yoga (especially its 30 day challenge) has changed my life but forcing me outside myself, to focus on something else – it reshaped everything about my life as it reshaped my mind and body. Further, you begin with trusting your instinct (even if it scares you) and then once you make a choice, you swear to yourself that you will not dwell on it, NO REGRETS. A choice is a choice, you make it and stand by it.

Think it over logically.
Think it over logically again.
Stop Stressing.
Go to sleep.
Think it over logically.
Make your decision.

I will give you my secret trick. Every day I assist others to choose what’s behind door number 2 or number 3… Behind every door, the grim reaper may be found. There are particular odds. Each solution entails different side effects, cost, benefits. We hear things.

I tell them the most commonly chosen door for a situation.
I cast it in extremes. First, doing nothing is an option.

The most aggressive option would be to – but most people wouldn’t do…
The most conservative option would be to -

Somewhere between lies an optimal blend of risk, aggressiveness, potential benefit. some options are unreasonable, and best not introduced.

I watch facial expression, I listen to voice tension, I lure them into asking questions and grappling with it.

If this stresses them, I remind them how most would, how I would, and how given my understanding of their values and fears they might…

If they are not immediately closed in decision I encourage them to sleep on it, and discuss it with relatives. Second opinions are useful. Oddly people are allergic to more co-pays…

sociologist have modeled medical and other decision making as a list of potential choices linked to potential outcomes.

Choosing to become a lawyer may mean that your relatives will think you are a skunk, but you will be rich.

If being rich is very important to you but there is only a 5% chance of acquiring it
while being a skunk matters a little, but it is most certain to occur – then the lower value skunkinees may override the higher value, lower probability income.

This was actually demonstrated to have good experimental fit, predicting in a different situation whether or not a woman selected birth control pills.

The list of pro’s and cons idea needs to be modified to include whether or not you care about them, and how likely they are to be relevent.

Circle ones that stand out and contemplate what they really mean to you.

If you are down to a coin toss, consider learning the runes.

This is the root for rune spreads – if you get a yew for your future don’t sweat it.

runes

You might begin by trying not to label the choice “difficult”.

(Easier said than done…I know.)

Then you weigh the pros and cons, make your decision and hope for the best.

I would also say make a pro and con list. If any one cares about my opinion about this.
(I didn’t mean to copy any one’s answer)