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Sophief's avatar

NSFW - How do you like your s/o to treat you in bed?

Asked by Sophief (6616 points ) March 1st, 2010

When I first started seeing my s/o, we had some really good rough, urgent fuck me good sex. We still have good sex now, but he is a lot more gentle to what he used to be. Why? He likes to be more loving, more kissy, more slow. I don’t mind any of that, but sometimes, I would like some really rough, make me sore, sex.

I mention this to him and he says he doesn’t want to hurt me. He never hurt me before! What does this mean? and what would you do?

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45 Answers

jfos's avatar

Wear something that’s not elegant. Set the mood the opposite of candles and rose petals.

Disaster_Porn's avatar

prefer to be random and spontaneous if shes into I’d love to fuck a hot woman anytime anyplace if she is into it….specially if she be my SO

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Just tell him you want to be treated like a rabid badger.It worked for me!lol!
You could also try making him alittle mad…
or withhold sex until he changes his mind…
or maybe not..;)

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I want him to mix it up – be soft and rough, slow and fast, loving and intense. As per your situation, just tell him what you told us – that’s he’s never hurt you before and that you like it rough.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley I’m the same as your b/f. I would worry so much about hurting her. There were levels of roughness where I will not go. Fortunately her girlfriend could provide her with that; it still didn’t lessen my worries about her.

girlofscience's avatar

Like his sexdoll. I love to be sexually submissive and feel him take all of my power, control me, and make me his.

(This is very different from how I am in real life. See submissive alpha female.)

Sophief's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille I couldn’t withhold it, I’ll start getting the shakes!

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Maybe I should just tie myself to the bed.

@girlofscience He likes me to tell him I’m his sexdoll! He used to be very controlling and I would so just give it to him.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I don’t want him to beat me or anything just to use me a little and treat me like a bad girl!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Dibley That would certainly be a turn on.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@Dibley -I hear ya! Just tell him .Or better yet,show him :)

Jude's avatar

It’s NSFW Monday!

We switch it up. Most times, though, I’m way more dominant. Both of us prefer it that way. It’s a huge turn on for the both of us. I take charge, and it can be rough, but, there’s always a great deal of passion involved, as well. When your bodies are hot, sweaty and bit bruised from rough sex, and adding sweet kisses and stroking each others hair whilst holding each other afterward. Hot.

JeffVader's avatar

I’m not one to put myself first during sex. I like to pick up on my partner’s cues as to what she’s after & provide it. Naturally I’m probably more of a love-maker than a sex person, enjoying long, drawn-out love making sessions focusing on her… however if what she wants is a hard-fast animal bonk… well in the famous words of Shaft “It’s my duty to please that booty!”

Sophief's avatar

@jjmah My boyfriend is the dominant one, he likes to control. I don’t mind that, I like him being a man.

Sophief's avatar

@Cloverfield We watching some film the other night and they had sex on the kitchen worktop, it last probably seconds. My boyfriend said “that can’t of been much fun for her”, I told him I wouldn’t of minded. Maybe I should of just run in the kitchen and jumped on the side!

shadling21's avatar

Buy him a pair of handcuffs. Tell him you want him to use them creatively.
Maybe also explain that a little bit of pain or discomfort during sex is no big deal. And that in fact, it can be quite a turn on to have sex in unconventional ways.

For me and my SO… We do a mixture. One night, he asked me if I wanted him to fuck me or make love to me. It was a good way of determining the mood. Usually, we just feel it out. I’d say it’s half rough and half gentle. Sometimes it’s a mixture of both. It’s been going through phases, too. Right now we’re in a lovemaking period.

JeffVader's avatar

@Dibley Hehehe, I’m quite sure he’d have been willing to give it a go… for the sake of research obviously :)

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Dibley My s/o is pretty much plain vanilla when it comes to sex. I like alot of different things, depending on my mood. I have to be very explicit and even present a situation to her and let her take over if I’m into the more extreme. Tie yourself up naked to the bed and leave a few toys on the bed, whatever turns you on and have him go to it. If he’s presented with you tied up, whatever toys your into are on the bed, and you ask him to use them, you’ll likey get whatever you ask for. A safe word is a good idea the first few times.

Facade's avatar

It depends whether I want to make love or to fuck.
Lovemaking- Deep. Intense. Passionate. Kissing. Sometimes crying on my part. I don’t know why lol
Fucking- Hardly any kissing. Lots of smacking, pinching, and grabbing. Name calling. Dominance on his part. Rough =)

My SO is like yours. He doesn’t want to hurt me and I’m easily hurt, but he’s getting better at throwing his precautions out the window for the sake of my pleasure.

@girlofscience Love that article!

davidbetterman's avatar

“sometimes, I would like some really rough, make me sore, sex.”

So tell him. Or give it to him rough until he catches on!

wundayatta's avatar

Surely you can urge him on while in the act? You kind of gutterally tell him “fuck me. fuck me hard. harder!” You’re looking in his eyes and you want to whip him into a kind of angry shape. You might insult him a bit. “You call that a fuck?!? Show me your cock, man! Make my fucking pussy sore!”

He’s a man, right? He’s controlling? He can’t let you get in control, as you would be if you’re the one telling him to go at it.

Then, if he still needs more urging, get him going a bit, and then grab his nipples and twist them hard. Scratch his sides, like spurring a horse on. Wrap your legs around him and push at him as hard as you can. Maybe try to roll on top and make him fight you to keep you underneath. Maybe ever roll him off the bed. Anything to get his blood up.

You could also give him a nice fantasy before hand. Tell him you want him to walk in the door and as soon as he sees you, demand a blow job. Tell him you need him to fuck your face. Then fall down and pull him down on top of you, cock still in your mouth and grab his ass and make him fuck your mouth there on the floor. Tell him that’s how you want it. Beg him for it. Tell that while you really appreciate his concern for you, and his need to love you gently, you need him to show you how much he really wants you. You need him to use you.

Of course, you talk about it before hand because it’s a game, and you don’t want the game to get out of hand. You set rules to keep you both safe. The rules actually let you go wild, because you know the boundaries.

Can you tell something about my fantasies? LOL. My wife is a nice, good girl who doesn’t want to play games. She just wants nice love. Which is cool. But still… fantasies….

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley As far as I could go is light bondage with quick-release heavy duty vecro in cuffs, I had to carefully monitor for PTSD triggers to avoid total freakouts, while allowing her the “subspace” experience if possible. I did not hit, except for a few playful palm swats on the posterior in “cowgirl position”. Genevive played rougher, but within stricy limits agreeed by the three of use. If any “edgy play ” was going to occur, I would be present as “referee” to stop the session when Meghan became nonverbal and I felt she had enough. We would both participate in “bringing down” and “aftercare”. Genevive knew Megs limits quite well, but Meghan wanted me there as extra protection, she could let go knowing her “protector” was ultimately in charge. My jugdement was final, by consent of all.

JONESGH's avatar

Rough, passionate.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

As I treat him and with many of the same moves and verbal feedback.

PacificRimjob's avatar

Like Max Cady treated Sam Bowden’s secretary.

max53's avatar

I love to be submissive to my wife and she loves to dominate.

semblance's avatar

I like to be treated “aggressively” also.

You might try play raping him and see if that kick starts his libido.

Cruiser's avatar

Dress the part. Put on your loin cloth and tell him you want to be jungle F’d like the man beast he is. If all else fails get out the riding crop and make him scream like a little girl until he mans up.

phil196662's avatar

@Dibley ; Sit down with him and tell him about the traffic light BDSM guide, When the wife and I play and if I get too rough and randy at the moment of too much she could say yellow. this tells me to back off slightly but keep going but the wife has never said anything but green!

Sounds like he really loves you alott and treat you right but you need to be clear and say to him you don’t have to be gentle with me all the time so if I tell you GREEN then just grip me good and toss me randilly and give me that screaming orgasm I crave and then remind him- It might only be the first of multiple times to finish me but _good!!!_

For those not so rough times you would use yellow but from what I understand that would likely be very rare

Has he ever restrained you??? just curious…

Leanne1986's avatar

I like to feel loved. My boyfriend and I often have urgent, frantic sex when we don’t have much time! but he still manages to make it very loving which makes it even better for me. I must admit I do tend to enjoy the more gentle sex sessions often because they last a lot longer and tend to orgasm more intensly when there is a slow build up rather than a frantic “wam bam…you know the rest!!!

Violet's avatar

I call wild rough sex fucking, and I call slow sex, sex, or making love.
So he wants to make love now, instead of fucking? Maybe his love for you has grown.
He doesn’t want to hurt you? What a strange comment for him to say, if he never hurt you. Does he mean hurt physically or emotionally?
I’d ask him what he meant by not wanted to hurt you. And if you want rougher sex, tell him that.

jca's avatar

i love it rough and a little painful myself. there’s nothing like being slammed into the headboard and being shown who’s the boss.

buy some sex toys and some lube and see if that gets his imagination going.

Sophief's avatar

@phil196662 That sounds good! Yes he has restrained me, when we first started out.

@Leanne1986 I like to feel loved also, just occasionally I am wanted it quite rough. If it was the other way round I’d probably be asking “why won’t he make love”?!

@Violet Yes, he wants to make love. I love making love also, but every now and then I want to be fucked. I told him him he can do whatever he wants to me, he can tie me up and use neck cuffs and whips but he says he doesn’t want to hurt me.

Violet's avatar

@Dibley So does he ever step out of his usual routine? I would get so bored if all I ever did was make love. I love BDSM. But I can understand how your bf is associating pain with bondage. It’s a common misconception. Maybe you could just go out, and buy some like bondage toy yourself, and surprise him. Maybe start with a simple blindfold, feather, or bondage cuffs (way more comfortable than regular cuffs, including fuzzy cuffs).
Here is a site for ideas, but I found they cost less from Amazon.

Sophief's avatar

@Violet He does sometimes, depending on what uniform I put on. We used to fuck loads, he would tie me to the bed, blindfold me e.t.c.
thanks for the link

Violet's avatar

But he doesn’t do the “fun” stuff anymore? Did you talk to him about it? If so, what did he say?

Sophief's avatar

@Violet It’s still very much fun, he is very well endowed and that is fun in itself, all the other men I have had have been stupidly small he just doesn’t do the rough stuff. I have spoken to him about it he either says he doesn’t want to hurt me or tries to change the subject. He says he is perfectly happy with our sex.

Violet's avatar

I’m still can’t think of why he thinks he would hurt you. And changing the subject is strange too. Is it possible he accidentally hurt a former partner from rough sex? Or that he was physically abused, or maybe a family member growing up (or anything else traumatic, or psychological)?

Leanne1986's avatar

@Dibley Maybe he doesn’t get as much pleasure from rough sex as you do. If he is changing the subject when you speak about it then it soounds like he is using the “I don’t want to hurt you line” as an excuse when really it’s more of a case of him not wanting rough sex quite as much.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley His not wanting to be “rough” may well be a sign of increasing love for you. Meghan had that problem with me, probably because I saw her and cared for her in a babdly injured condition from rough BDSM gone crazy. She eventually convinced me to be more vigorous, but I would never mix bondage with any kind of roughness.

I found that what Meg said she wanted and what she could actually handle were different things (PTSD). For rougher play, she could turn to her girlfriend. I would set rules and limits, then nervously watch to be sure they were followed. I could never bring myself to hit “my princess”, other than a few palm swats on her posterior when she “rode cowgirl”. This was never an issue in our relationship, as she could play “rough” with Genevive.

I could never bring myself to see Meghan as an object; she was always “my lady” and treated with gentleness and respect.

Sophief's avatar

@Violet He was definately not abused, I think he just possibly feels love now and wants to be gentle. I’ll have to try to slowly coax him round.

@Leanne1986 Yes I think that could possibly be right, I think maybe he still likes it but maybe feels because of love then he should treat me a little differently.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land You sound like such a sweet man.

Leanne1986's avatar

@Dibley Well, you have often mentioned on here that he doesn’t tell you he loves you enough, maybe this is his way of showing you. He obviously sees you as more than just a sex object. Sometimes, if I want frantic sex I will seduce my partner when there isn’t much time for foreplay and slow, gentle sex. Just before we go out or something. Maybe you could try that.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley I’m a caring guy who watched over Megs best interests, even though it irritated her a bit that I couldn’t go “further” than a certain point. Her former injuries were always foremost in my mind. I did allow her to experiment carefully with rougher play with Genevive; that removed the tension, since Gen could go a bit further and way generally very responsible as a top. I only had to intervene twice in twelve years, both times when Meg had gone nonverbal into “subspace” and I coonected with her via finger-in-hand code and she let me know she was all right. Both times we both (Gen and I) gave her intensive “aftercare” that gently brought her back into the real world. A lot of cuddlind, massage and gentle body contact as she gradually came back. I used a special massage oil that treated the stings (no welts permitted). She was very ready for further loving activities after “normalizing”

I;ve played this game a few times with Genevive in “switch” role, but she considered me too gentle, Meghan had to assist to bring Gen into her “zone”. I suppose that my own role is more that of “dungeon master” or “safety monitor” as those around me know that I am very safety concious and will step in to enforce the pre-negotiated rules immediately. With a household full of teenaged girls, I’ve yet to enter that role, many of them are underage and inappropriate to introduce to such play. Once the maple season is over, we may invited gatherings into our “playroom” once agin, with myself in my traditional role.

phil196662's avatar

@Dibley ; and why did he stop? It can get real hot _ being taken and you forgot you discussed it several days before or it was one of several _standing senerios you do…

I have a dozen that the wife knows about and she knows any of them could happen at any time we are over at friends or at home. they involve blindfolds, rope, crops and often candles… And often some type of restraint to build up to a climax- The word hogtied works here.

get him started again so you can do some struggling and get overheated and in the end you can tell him.. wow, that was hott- more please!.

but do choose a safe word in case- but it sounds like if you use the traffic light you won’t use it, just like my wife.

And the literal words if I answer the phone saying the person on the other end , well she’s kinda tied-up and can’t come to the phone, can I take a message. And the firnds might say put the phone to her ear please… he he he…

coogan's avatar

Get verbal, fellate him like crazy, don’t forget the boys. Get on top, grab his hands, put one on the rump and the other conveniently next to your “flicking bean,” he’s got a thumb to put on that. He practices hip thrusters and you gyrate like a madwoman. He should use his hands to grind hard into you while rubbin’ your nubbin. If you like hair pulling, spanking, just guide his hands a little bit through the motion to get him comfortable. You could always play some naughty flicks in the background. Hope it works out.

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