Social Question

Sophief's avatar

(NSFW) Sexually, when do you say no?

Asked by Sophief (6651 points ) March 9th, 2010

I have always told my boyfriend, that he can have anything he wants,whenever he wants. I have never said no to him, or made any excuse.

Sunday night I had a lot to drink and I felt really sick. I never told my boyfriend I felt sick. When we got in bed, he was hard, so I gave him oral sex.

The next day I was hungover, he said he didn’t realise I felt sick. I said I felt sick all night. He wasn’t happy that I carried out oral when I felt sick.

But, I have always told him I wouldn’t say no and I meant it.
What would you do?

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80 Answers

tb1570's avatar

I would say I need to find a girlfriend like you!

Violet's avatar

@Dibley I am the same exact way. If there is some reason I can not preform, I’ll just lay there and make him to all the work.
If I’m on my period, he only gets oral.

DrBill's avatar

Never to my SO

Always to others

Sophief's avatar

@Violet I always perform. Sunday night though I just felt so sick and for the rest time ever I thought “I really don’t want to”, but I did. Thankfully, we had sex the night before so there wasn’t quite as much.

JeffVader's avatar

So far, the only times I’ve said no was when I was either unwell, or not physically capable due to either drink or drugs…

tb1570's avatar

Jesus, where do I find a girlfriend similar to those posting here???

DominicX's avatar

This is interesting to me. I never knew it was common for people to never (or almost never) say no. I mean, if I didn’t want it, I would be honest with my boyfriend and say no. As it is, considering we are both pretty laid back when it comes to such things, this hasn’t really been an issue.

JeffVader's avatar

@tb157….. Try Essex :)

tb1570's avatar

@Cloverfield Essex, as in in England?

Violet's avatar

@tb1570 I can’t speak for Dibley, but the crazy ones are usually awesome in bed
@Dibley if I can’t give oral, I’ll have sex. If I can’t have sex, I’ll give oral. He’s happy with either.

Sophief's avatar

@Cloverfield Good answer!

@Violet I just like sex. Even if I am not in the mood, I’ll get in the mood pretty quickly.

Violet's avatar

@Dibley I know you don’t just like sex ; )

Sophief's avatar

@Violet Yea, I didn’t mean it in that way.

Violet's avatar

@Dibley I knew what you meant. I’m the same way.

Thammuz's avatar

@Violet goddammit why am i the only one to get a crazy girl who’s also as passive as it gets in bed? All the downsides and none of the ups :(

JeffVader's avatar

@Dibley Thanks :) I’m sure I do have a limit somewhere when I’d say no… just not stubbled accross it yet.

Violet's avatar

@Thammuz oh hunny, I’m so sorry : ( Maybe it has to do with nurture. Were your parents very closed minded about sex? Because mine were not

JeffVader's avatar

@Thammuz… Well, that both sucks & blows :)

Sophief's avatar

@Violet My boyfriend says I’m insatiable. I often wonder if he would rather be with someone where she will say no occasionally to make it more, whatever, or if he is happy having it on tap.

Violet's avatar

@Dibley He is lucky to be with you. I hope he appreciates you and all you give

Just_some_guy's avatar

If you don’t feel well I would say so. It is wonderful to have a woman who doesn’t say no, but there are times when if just isn’t a good idea. If you wanna stick to never saying no just be honest when there is a reason you don’t want to. I know I have always appreciated honesty from a woman. Actually dishonesty is why I am divorced. Sex isn’t all important and under these circumstances he could always bang one off. Maybe a lil peep show would suffice when you are feeling sick.

wundayatta's avatar

If you say “no” enough times, far too many men thinks that gives them the excuse to go outside the relationship.

If my wife never said no, my life would be quite different. But when it got to the point where she almost never said yes, I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid (rightly or wrongly) that if I pressed her, she’d leave me. But I couldn’t stand not ever having that closeness; not ever feeling loved. After a while I became addicted to the falling in love feeling. I thought it was because of my bipolar disorder. Now, I’m not so sure.

I think it’s fine to say no every once in a while. Especially when you are as generous as you are. You’re not even close to having to worry about my situation. But just so you know, many men will put up with an awful lot of privation before they react in a way that is destructive of the relationship. I don’t think you need to worry about that. Not even close.

Thammuz's avatar

@Violet her mother and family on her mother’s side are hardcore catholics, and instilled her a guilt trip about sex like only catholics can do

@Cloverfield I wouldn’t be complaining if that was the case ;-)

ratboy's avatar

Sorry, I can’t respond just now. I have a headache.

dpworkin's avatar

I guess you have made a decision about this. I would have been hesitant to surrender so much autonomy. When my girlfriend doesn’t feel like making love we watch TV or talk, or read, or cuddle, or whatever. It has never killed me. Having sex with someone who doesn’t feel like it isn’t a very appealing proposition. I have never understood what could possibly be pleasant about sex with a hooker, either.

Cruiser's avatar

@Dibley I admire your dedication and fortitude. Your bf sounds like a decent enough of a guy and would understand if you need a break from your mission…even a hero deserves a day off.

Just_Justine's avatar

I would say no. For lot’s of reasons. I’d hope that he would understand and care that I was sick, not just about getting his rocks off. I think that would just make me love him more. I’d also hate for someone to shag me and feel ill. In a way it would bring about a bit of an association, sex = sick / sick = sex. Our bodies remember everything, that is why if he twiddles his eyebrow we get horny. I think for me, it’s about boundaries. I will always have boundaries and I am firm on them. @wundayatta personally I think if people are communicating, loving, caring, opening up and experiment, then “healthy” partners will never say no. Relationships are a lot of work. They say if you can’t keep a plant alive in your home and care for a pet for year you shouldnt be in a relationship. I am saying “you” but I am talking about me, my plants are all dead. My cat moved downstairs. I guess I am just not relationship material. :(

prolificus's avatar

@wundayatta – I’m with you on much of what you said. I’ve not had any form of sexual intimacy with my partner since last July. It is pretty devastating.

BoBo1946's avatar

@Dibley call it a 7th sense, but when she does not appear to feel well….i don’t go there. Lots more to a relationship than having sex. Sex is the wonderful by product of love! At the right time, nothing better!

CMaz's avatar

Don’t get confused between submission and love.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I agree with @BoBo1946 , if I even suspected that my lady was unwell or not in the mood I would never ask for sex. I would much rather be doing something to help her feel better, like massage. Sex is an expression of love; insisting on doing it with a partner who is not fully willing just violates the whole idea, IMHO.

wilma's avatar

@Dibley, You don’t need to always have sex, whenever he suggests it.
Maybe it’s just me, but I would be saying sorry not now if I was feeling that sick.
My SO would understand that and not want me to possibly feel worse because of him.
Like @stranger_in_a_strange_land and some others have said, he would try to help me feel better.
and sticking his dick in my mouth would probably not make me feel better if I was already nauseous.

jonsblond's avatar

My husband would appreciate honesty from me rather than me have sex with him when I wasn’t in the mood. Who wants to have sex with their partner if the other isn’t totally into it? I don’t say no that often, but he can tell if I don’t feel well. He wants all of me, not 50% or less.

plethora's avatar

I was gonna answer, but @jonsblond said it better than I could. We are human. Sometimes we dont feel so well. I feel the same as her husband.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Good answers. Life, as well as sex, or rather making love should be a two way street. I can read my g/f well enough I would hope I would pick up on any hesitation. Although, throw in alcohol and that might dull my senses enough for me to miss some signs she wasn’t totally into it.

Kokoro's avatar

I think that’s very sweet of you @Dibley. I just hope he’s as giving as you are. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying no, as long as its a legit reason such as being sick. Partners are supposed to be understanding or supportive. I would have said something, and hopefully your bf would have directed his energy towards taking care of you instead of receiving pleasure for himself. That’s just my opinion.

plethora's avatar

I would also note girls that erections go down by themselves when considerate guys realize their partner isnt feeling so well, physically or emotionally.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I won’t compromise myself that way.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

The dollar signs represent the price at which you will?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

That was pretty bad, one free one for you.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Umm. My number is 555–2343. Call me.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

Agree with @plethora . If I knew my lady was unwell, sex would be the last thing on my mind.

wundayatta's avatar

I was raised to believe that women are equal to men. This means that love-making is a mutual thing. A man does not have a right to be serviced. No means no. It actually shocked me when I found out there were men and women who felt there was such a right. Even today. I don’t get it. I don’t have that sense of entitlement and I don’t understand how anyone can.

If a man can’t take a “no,” then I don’t think he’s a man any woman should be with.

prolificus's avatar

@wundayatta – but what do you do when you’re in a committed relationship and you’ve been told “no” for over seven months or given unfulfilled promises? If love-making is a mutual thing, at what point does “no” become abuse or neglect or worse yet, “I love you, but I’m not into you”?

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@prolificus In the case that you describe, something is seriously wrong with the relationship.

janbb's avatar

We both reserve the right to say no.

CMaz's avatar

Unless you are a Gorean slave. Then you are SOL.

wundayatta's avatar

Ah, @prolificus The 100 million dollar question. I can tell you what I did—which was to seek sex outside my marriage. I justified it because I loved my wife and didn’t want to bother her (and felt I didn’t have a right to ask her to make love to me), and I couldn’t stand it any longer.

After my first “mistake” I tried to get us into counseling, but it didn’t help. Wrong therapist, I think. He advised me not to tell her what I had done, and therefore she didn’t understand the importance of therapy. She couldn’t quite see the problem, even though she had been throwing the “D” word at me far too often (divorce).

So I kept on “acting out,” as they say in the love addiction books. In my case it got more complicated because this kind of behavior, I found out later, is associated with bipolar disorder, which I was later diagnosed with. When that happened, and after I had confessed to my wife, we started couples counseling. Our therapist got us to agree to each take half the blame, so we didn’t have to play the blame game and we could start working on our relationship. I think it was probably a good sign that neither of us had a problem with that ratio.

Later, I found out she did love me. She needed certain things to feel loved, so that she would feel “frisky,” so to speak. I started trying to do them and they didn’t seem to work at first. I was getting more frustrated. Eventually, however, they started paying off. But it’s a work in progress and sometimes we go too long for me.

We had to negotiate. I wanted sex every day. She wanted it once a week. We ended up with twice a week as something we both felt we could tolerate. It’s not really enough for me, though, so there is still a good deal of tension about that.

I guess what I’ve learned by telling you this story, is that couples therapy is probably your best hope. Acting out has a good chance of destroying things. You might be able to deal with it on your own if you can talk honestly to each other. That’s hard. A therapist can serve as a buffer to allow you both to say your piece without getting shot down.

In our last session, my therapist really wanted me to speak honestly about what bothered me about my wife. I didn’t want to because, a) I knew my wife would get defensive and shoot down everything I said, and b) she would take it out on me later.

Our therapist had to really poke me hard to get me to talk, but I did. As expected, my wife started defending herself. But the therapist made her shut up and listen. The session ended with both of us feeling really bad, but the therapist was rubbing his hands gleefully (really, rubbing his hands), and saying that finally we had gotten somewhere. Never mind that we were both hurt and angry. The truth was out.

As expected, my wife started to take it out on me at home, making all kinds of passive-aggressive comments about the things I didn’t like. Surprisingly, however, she stopped that after a day or so. She’s been nicer since then. So, I don’t know. Maybe there’s hope.

Likeradar's avatar

I say no whenever I damn well feel like it. I take into consideration how strong my desire not to is vs his desire to is. If I’m feeling meh about it but he really wants to, I will. But if I’m sick or otherwise really not into it, the answer is no.

I don’t understand the mentality of thinking that it’s appropriate in a loving relationship to always be physically available, but whatever works for consenting people. I view my body as mine, something I often choose share with him, but still mine. He being hard or horny doesn’t mean I have to get him off any more than me being hungry means he has to get me food. I don’t feel any need to gain his love, monogamy, respect, or anything else through any orifice. We’re in a loving partnership, and to me, part of that means maintaining the main power over my body.

wtfrickinfrack's avatar

Sex should always be spontaneous for everyone involved. If it isn’t, it becomes a chore. And anyone that ‘expects’ sex or tries to schedule it is a selfish asshole. Sure, everyone has sexual needs.. but must we be dicks about it? If someone is telling you ‘no’, take the hint or maybe try to spark some communication about WHY they’re saying ‘no’ instead of being so obsessed with getting off.

Leanne1986's avatar

I have never turned my boyfriend down when it comes to sex because I have never felt the need to. Luckily our sex drives work very well together and we usually are horny at the same time. However, if I really wasn’t feeling well I would be honest with him. My boyfriend has never made me feel like I can’t be honest if I am not feeling up to it. Sex should never be a chore and if my boyfriend thought that I wasn’t enjoying it and I was only doing it to keep him happy I know that he would be quite upset about it. That might be why your boyfriend was upset, if your hearts not in it then you shoud be honest, if he’s a decent human being then he will understand especially as you are usually very willing.

Jude's avatar

If I’m not feeling up to it, I won’t do it. Why feel miserable whilst trying to give your partner pleasure? My partner understands. And, if she’s not feeling up to it, for whatever reason, I’m cool with it, too. We’ll live.

@Dibley is the queen of NSFW questions. That’s pretty much all that she asks.

CMaz's avatar

“Sexually, when do you say no?”

When I am not saying yes.

Likeradar's avatar

@Dibley What do you get out of never saying no and being sexually available in all ways at your partner’s whim? I’m not asking to be mean, I’m really curious.

Facade's avatar

I say no if I’m not feeling well physically. If I’m not feeling well mentally, then I’ll still oblige him because I’m ready to go after the first stroke lol. My man understands when I turn him down for sex, but it doesn’t make it any less disappointing.

deni's avatar

If I’m in a bad mood, or I don’t feel good, I’m not gonna act like I want to have sex, because in either of those cases, I probably don’t. The sex won’t be as good if we’re both not totally into it. So why try to pretend? He can wait an hour until I feel better. He understands. It’s no big deal and it’s better than me acting like I want it when I don’t.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’d have to be too physically ill or in a lot of pain to say no to sex which for me is the best stress and pain relief I know.

ninjacolin's avatar

clearly, you’re following your own rules rather than his. so, that’s fine.

prolificus's avatar

@wundayatta – thank you for sharing your experience. Relationship stuff is hard work, especially when certain needs are proportionally out of balance and not met within the relationship. I, too, have bipolar. And I would love to have sex everyday. My touch needs are high. My partner is the complete opposite.

I think @Dibley ‘s original question illustrates even too much sex can be not good self-care.

It seems the issue of too much or not sex enough within a relationship can be addressed by both partners having good self-care, empathy, and lots of open and honest communication.

casheroo's avatar

I agree with @jonsblond… my husband isn’t into it unless I’m into it..and if I’m not in the mood, it’s hard to fake. And he’s not just going to have sex with me.
I say no if I’m not in the mood, or if I’m not feeling well. I thought that was common. I mean, who really wants to have sex when they feel like puking?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Honesty is always the best policy. Works with sex, works with life, works with business, just doesn’t work with the do these jeans make my butt look big part of life.

Likeradar's avatar

@casheroo And who really wants to have sex with someone who feels like puking?

I really hope @dibley comes back soon… I have a gabillion questions about this.

Kiss_a_Fat_Babys_Ass's avatar

Well from the boyfriend point of view, I would have appreciated the blow job,while you were sick,but would have compromised,and done you doggie,so you could get sick,in the toilet if necessary, cause thats the kind of guy I am.

wundayatta's avatar

And a fine example of cartoon manhood you are there, laddie! A model to us all.~

phil196662's avatar

Feeling sick is an awful thing and I would not expect my wife to perform if she could not give 100%, But the wait will only mean 150% and might require some restraints!

@Dibley ; You totally randy to the Maxx, I didn’t think there were many woman with that appetite other than my wife…And I totally believe it when he want some and your not in the mood but he knows where your start button is, and then your off like a rocket!

lol- Explanes your fire-red hair… he he he…

deni's avatar

If my stomach is upset at all, the only thing I know for sure will make it worse every time is swallowing semen. So there’s another reason.

majorrich's avatar

I think I would say no if some bloke tried to get me to perform oral or otherwise. But that is only because my gate doesn’t swing that way.

Nially_Bob's avatar

Anything that involves me potentially being seriously injured, killed or deliberately humiliated is a no unless there is some extreme persuasion or an offer of particularly delicious confectionary goods involved. Other than that I would have to be in an incredibly bad physical state to refuse most sexual acts.

Sophief's avatar

I’m back. I have computer problems, it keeps freezing and I struggle to get back on.

I don’t do it because he makes me, I do it because I don’t like to waste an opportunity.

Sophief's avatar

@Cruiser He would rather I said I felt sick.

@wilma He didn’t suggest it. He was hard, if I said I was feeling sick, he would stop, I didn’t want him to stop. So I just slipped my mouth round him.

@Likeradar Fire away.

Likeradar's avatar

@Dibley My main question is what do you get out of this arrangement?

I guess why your situation seems strange to me is that I see a relationship as a partnership. I have wants, needs, and opinions that are no more or less important than his. And that includes sexual appetites. Why is his boner always more important than what you’re feeling and doing? I am not a series of holes or a sex machine he gets to use as he pleases. Maybe you could explain how you view your role in your relationship? Again, I’m not saying you’re wrong, I just don’t understand.

Sophief's avatar

@Likeradar Arrangement? I just like sex, and I don’t like to pass up an opportunity. I have always been like it. If, I say to him I don’t feel well, I know he won’t try anything. Then I will say to him, what was your problem last night and he’ll say, you didn’t feel well. My arguement will be, I don’t fuck with my stomach or something like that. I just enjoy it, whatever. By the way, I don’t mind you asking questions or expressing your opinions, thats what this sight is for.

Just_Justine's avatar

@Dibley yes I did re read your question and no where in it did you say he asked for sex. Which kind of cancelled out your idea of he gets what he wants when and where ever. it was more a case of you saw he was hard and wanted some right? despite not feeling well. Which is really up to you.

Likeradar's avatar

@Dibley By “arrangement” I meant your willingness to give him “anything he wants, whenever he wants it.” By your last response I’m gathering that it’s more of a compatible sex drive thing than a you having no say in what gets put where kind of thing, right? The way it sounded to me before was that you were taking a completely passive role in your own sex life.

Sophief's avatar

@Just_Justine Your spot on there.

@Likeradar Your right also. I have a much higher sex drive than he does, which you can probably tell!

little8632g's avatar

what is this “no” word?

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