General Question

bean's avatar

Is he still interested, even after sex?

Asked by bean (1317 points ) March 10th, 2010

I started dating a guy a few weeks ago, he waited a couple of months for me to come back from overseas and we always talked, he sent me messages almost every day…
I decided to sleep with him and we talked about it before, and don’t want it to just happen and thats it…
I don’t think we are really officially ‘togather’ but we are taking it slow I think… On the night I said if I did sleep with him I wasn’t sure if it meant the same to him as it did to me… He asked me what it meant for me, I said for me, it means i’m starting a new relationship and don’t want a one night stand, he asked me what does it mean if we were boyfriend and girlfriend (we both are scared of having a new relationship, don’t want things to end badly) I told him nothing would change, probably see eachother frequantly and we don’t need to rush things and take our time, though I think we were thinking and wanting the same things. Ever since he still txts me almost every night to say hey… we plan to meet up soon (i think…. we were suppose to meet last weekend but we both got sick, we both called eachother that day but missed eachothers calls lol) and we always frequantly chat over msn…
I’m just wondering if any one could give me more advice, am I already in a relationship with this guy and just taking it slow at the moment? and What does it mean if he wants you more than once in one night? is that a good sign?

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54 Answers

thriftymaid's avatar

You sound younger than what your profile states. It doesn’t sound like you are in a relationship to me.

lostinyoureyes's avatar

If you feel like something is off, then it is.

When a guy’s kind of MIA it’s NOT a good sign.

I don’t know your whole situation but I hope you don’t get confused with him wanting sex from you and wanting a relationship…

lillycoyote's avatar

I’m sorry, but your question is not entirely clear to me, I’m not exactly sure what exactly you are asking but it sounds to me, if I understand what you are saying, is that you are both kind of on the same wavelength. Though other people answering the question seem to have read your question differently than I have. And, as to his sexual desire, his sexual appetite may or not be related to how he actually feels about you on an emotional and psychological level, twice a night might just be what he wants or needs, or it may be related to his desire for you or the newness of the relationship. Though it’s certainly not a bad sign. :)

Violet's avatar

Stop texting and talking over MSN, and get to know this guy in person.

Everest's avatar

He hates you now.

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

Try witholding sex.
If he disappears after a week, he wasn’t that in to you.

bean's avatar

@Everest charming

@Violet I’ve already met him a few times… we’ve had a few dates already I’ve known him since last year too.

bean's avatar

@Captain_Fantasy He hasn’t disappeared after the sex….

nothing is off either, I’m just one of those extremely curious people…. I’ve only had one relationship…

Violet's avatar

It sounds like you 2 are dating, and taking it slow. But if you string him along for too long, he’ll probably move on

bean's avatar

@lillycoyote I’ve only had sex with him once… well, I stayed over one night… and it happened, but more than once… it happened just last week…

@thriftymaid I am 19, almost 20, I’m just sought of oblivious to alot of things… and i constantly ask questions and get people to analyze situations I want to understand better….

bean's avatar

@Violet thanks, but I don’t think I’m stringing him along… its been 3–4 weeks since we started dating… and things are going well… I’m just making sure what this is…. you know… asking people with more experience than I have…. helps I guess
thanks for you advice :)

HTDC's avatar

I’m not one to really advise people on what to do with their life, but when in doubt, throw him out.

thriftymaid's avatar

@bean You will learn how to understand situations better with life experiences. You must have already felt that what you and he have is not complete. You will learn that your intuition is a pretty good guide.

plethora's avatar

The guy is distancing himself and covering it with texts and MSN. He didnt give you a straight answer when you talked before sex and now you’ve seen him on occasion, a few dates. That is not a guy who is into you, for whatever reason. If you are having sex with him, it should unquestionably be monogamous and he should be initiating face to face contact regularly.

Violet's avatar

oh, I didn’t know it had only been 3–4 weeks. It sounded like you had kind of been with him for a year.

lillycoyote's avatar

Well, one night, only just last week… thinking if over now, if you’re even asking “Is he still interested, even after sex” I have to wonder, honestly, whether you really understand what it is you want and deserve in a relationship. But like others have said, you really need time and need to spend time with this man, _in person I don’t know, it doesn’t sound like it’s just about a “booty call” to him, but on the other hand, still, it’s not exactly clear to me how much real, meaningful communication you’ve had with this guy, in person or otherwise.

ninjacolin's avatar

i’m with @Everest. i find a lot of questions on fluther about relationships like these are self-evident. if a guy wants to have a lot of sex with you.. he’s into you. if a guy wants to talk to you.. he’s into you. if a guy seems to like you.. he likes you.

honestly, i don’t see a question here at all.

you’ll know he’s lost interest when he shows a sign of disinterest.. you haven’t provided any reason for anyone to think he’s anything but interested.

Likeradar's avatar

Doesn’t sound like you’re in a relationship to me. It sounds like he thinks you’re all right. Sex and texts =/= relationship. Sex more than once in a night means he’s horny, the 1st time was good enough, and you’re willing. Period.

plethora's avatar

@ninjacolin I disagree. I don’t think he’s given the slightest sign he is into her.

bean's avatar

@ninjacolin I think I’m just trying to understand it better…. and waiting for some one to say something that makes some thing else click in my mind…. but You sound right, because part of me knows whats going on and what he’s like…. just another part is a bit insecure and scared… and I know he is too… but I’m really confused because every one is saying different things… and I don’t know if its how I wrote the question and details or…. did anyone read what i wrote?

ninjacolin's avatar

“I started dating a guy a few weeks ago”
that would only happen if he was at least interested in you.

“he waited a couple of months for me to come back from overseas”
because he’s interested in you.

“we always talked”
because he’s interested in you.

“he sent me messages almost every day”
because he’s interested in you.

“He asked me what it meant for me”
he’s playing hard to get.. which means he’s into you.

“Ever since he still txts me almost every night”
because he’s interested in you.

“we always frequantly chat over msn”:
because he’s interested in you.

“am I already in a relationship with this guy”
lady, you’re already in a relationship with everyone you know. including me.

”[am i] just taking it slow at the moment?”
too slow by my standards. but everyone’s different. you seem really timid, which breeds timidity in the people who have to deal with you.

“What does it mean if he wants you more than once in one night?”
it means he wants you.. more than once… in one night.

“is that a good sign?”
only if you want him back.

bean's avatar

@ninjacolin okok…. slow? he said its fine if we take things slow, as slow as I want…... but I want to speed things up a little more but not label anything, just let things happen, let him know he’s wanted too…

bean's avatar

well…. I called him today to say hi…. so I guess thats a start ye…

ninjacolin's avatar

traditionally, he would be the one to attempt to speed things up.
but he might be a timid person too.. which might be making you timid.

plethora's avatar

Anybody ever hear of sitting down and expressing to the other one what they really feel and thing about how things are going?

hug_of_war's avatar

Just remember there is such a thing as too slow. If a guy really likes you, texting isn’t going to be enough for him. He probably thinks you’re cool and might be fun to date and sex up but if someone comes along who he thinks is great he may very well be more willing to jump into that relationship than he appears likely to do.

plethora's avatar

I just can’t bear this dreaming and supposing what the other is thinking, feeling, wanting. The exercise itself will either draw you together or make you realize you want out (and yes you are in…..you just dont understand the way you are being treated)

delam's avatar

if you don’t contact him, you’ll see how much he likes you. He should be the one contacting you. Unfortunately this is kind of an innate thing.

phillis's avatar

Wow. I’m surprised you can figure anything out inside this major-ass game you play.

Look, chickie…..if you want to know something, ask the person who can best provide you that answer (that would be HIM). Don’t pretend you are only partway into him, because that’s a lie. Don’t pretend to be demure, because your questions are too direct for the demure category. You’re not coy. You have it in you to be a straight foward, honest and likeable person, which is more admirable than pretending to be something you’re not.

I get it that you’re young and you’re just learning the ropes. Really, I do. Nobody has thier shit together in relationships when they are that young. But it’ the absolute truth, that what comes around, goes around. When you play games, you attract others who play games, and you also screw up the natural flow of what could be a decent relationship, only you’ll never know it, because you were busy screwing around and not being yourself.

JeffVader's avatar

In reality I think the two of you are dating….. just being rather coy about the whole thing. One thing I’d advise you to bare in mind is that if you continue to be so cautious & risk averse then you could well be giving out mixed signals, one min you’ll seem hot for him, the next stand-offish. & if he genuinely likes you this will be messing with his head. I think the two of you need to be clear with each other & get this relationship onto a clear footing.

FutureMemory's avatar

Call him up and ask him just a few of the many many questions you’ve asked us? That should get you started at least.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

How far apart do you live now, and how busy are both of you? He is texting you every day, so obviously he wants to stay with the relationship. He’s not rearranging his life for you, and that can be a healthy thing. Is he seeing other people?

Guys do not have to be camped out on your doorstep 24/7 in order to be interested in you.

CMaz's avatar

Ya both chatted for months. You waited till he came back from overseas.

You two were HORNY and you had to do it. Ya both got your release and all is good. Probably more so for the guy then you. The woman usually wanting more of an emotional connection.
Once the jar of “horny” gets filled again. He will be back. But for now, texting is just a way to keep you on the hook. That is what “taking it slow” means.

If you REALLY are interested in it being eventually more and if he does too. You will both find time to get together. In the real world. And we are not talking about Friday night quickies.

What you have is a booty call situation. I understand where you are at emotionally. Or you would not have made this post. But you are as responsible as he is for what it currently is.

If you want more, as suggested further above. You need more face time. If that is not going to happen. Then it is exactly what you know it is.

Likeradar's avatar

@ninjacolin A lot of those “because he’s interested in you” could be replaced with “he’s a nice enough guy and you put out, so he’s doing a little effort that doesn’t involve actually seeing you or taking you out.”

I’m not saying that’s true, but any schmoe can send a text or chat on MSN when they’re procrastinating at work or something.

tranquilsea's avatar

IME, guys who behave as he is behaving are just keeping you on the line. When a guy is really “into” you then you are going to hear from him frequently and he is going to want to see you…everyday would be fine. I’ve been there and done that.

My hubby of 16 years was one who chased me, and I mean really hard. I turned him down flat for a date, twice. (I wasn’t game playing I was dating fatigued at the time). After a mass setup by the people we worked with and a lengthy night of just talking to him I accepted a date. He made sure he talked to me every day and he treated me like a queen. I was a little taken aback as I had dated mostly jerks who sound like your guy. It was my mom who pulled me to one side and asked me why I seemed to be drawn to all these guys who treated me badly. That brought me up short and I re-examined what I had been doing and she was right.

The thing is, you deserve a guy who makes you feel special. A guy who doesn’t leave you wondering if you are just a booty call. It is a bad omen that he hasn’t moved heaven and earth to see you again after having sex.

JTSTs2003's avatar

Sounds to me like you are together, but you need to check in with him and make sure. I’ve learned over the years that men will take whatever you will give them, then try for more. Make sure he makes it “official” before you give any more of yourself! Sometimes men will “act out” a relationship with a girl, she lets him, and then a prettier flower comes along and you’re left like “what just happened??!!!”

You guys need to have “the talk” and get it all out in the open. Oh, more lessons learned – There are always more fish in the sea (who WILL want to be caught by you)!!!!!

Likeradar's avatar

@JTSTs2003 She’s into him and he’s not trying for more. Isn’t that a sign that he’s not in a relationship?

Cruiser's avatar

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck then you are in a relationship. You like him hes likes you…it has to start sometime so pop the cork on this one and enjoy!

ninjacolin's avatar

@Likeradar said: ”“he’s a nice enough guy and you put out, so he’s doing a little effort that doesn’t involve actually seeing you or taking you out.””

Which would mean that he still has an interest in her.

@Likeradar said: “She’s into him and he’s not trying for more. Isn’t that a sign that he’s not in a relationship?”

clearly, he is in a relationship with her. and it looks like this.

the real question is, what more would he like to add to the relationship. which, as @plethora already said, is something she has to discuss with him since he’s obviously either disinterested in taking it any further or else he’s a little inept and needs a push.

Likeradar's avatar

@ninjacolin I just see it differently. A night of sex and talking over the internet isn’t a relationship, in the way I define a relationship or the way I think the OP meant it. It’s not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It’s buddies who boned, and maybe who are dating.

ninjacolin's avatar

“It’s not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It’s buddies who boned, and maybe who are dating.”

nope, we see it the same way only i concede that exactly what you’ve described here.. is a relationship.

Likeradar's avatar

@ninjacolin Semantically, sure. But the OP is a 20 year old asking about being “in a relationship.” Don’t you think she had a specific type of relationship in mind? You and I have a “relationship” too, but no reasonable person would say I’m “in a relationship with” ninjacolin.

ninjacolin's avatar

You should, I’m a good catch! ;)

Clarity is important, isn’t it? I know what the OP means to say, but it’s different than what she has said. Subtly, I’ve been contesting her definition of the term “in a relationship.” Just as you feel it’s caused mis-communication with me, it’s been causing the same mis-communication with her.

Relationships are relationships. Everyone is in a relationship with everyone they know (which i stated earlier) Including their exes. Each relationship simply consists of different features. So.. I want her to specify what it is she wants this relationship to consist of.

Obviously, he is interested in “a relationship” with her. That’s what he has been maintaining so far. I could even go so far to say that they are friends, she is a girl, he is a boy.. so yes, technically, they are boyfriend/girlfriend. (“technically” means “actually” by the way)

Once you get passed those useless words, the important questions have to be asked: What features would she want to add or subtract from this relationship? She’s getting the sex, she’s getting the texts, she’s getting conversation.. what more does she want?

Likeradar's avatar

@ninjacolin Good points… but you’re kind of having a side argument about semantics when this girl is asking something that we all know the meaning of, you know?

@did @tranquilsea fall asleep?

tranquilsea's avatar

argg, the site ate my response.

I respectfully disagree that you are in a relationship. A bunch of texts/e-mails plus a night of sex do not equal a relationship. And if it does for some people then they are setting their standards pretty darn low and probably headed for some heartbreak. Although if everyone is ok with it then there isn’t a problem. But it doesn’t sound like the OP is ok with it, hence the questions.

I think it would be helpful for the OP to think about what she wants the relationship to be. It is troubling that he kept bouncing back her inquiries on not having sex mean nothing and gave none of his own thoughts. If you want a relationship then you need to set the bar at having a relationship.

So, if the OP is ok with having the status quo, then there is no problem. But if she is not, then a talk with this guy may be what she wants to do: telling him what she wants from the relationship and if he balks then she’ll know to cut him loose.

Nineteen is young. At that age most guys are just looking for a girl to have sex with with no complications. Only the OP will know whether this guy is looking for that and whether she is ok providing him with that if that is what he is looking for.

ninjacolin's avatar

@Likeradar i believe it’s more important than you realize, which is fine… notice how inconsistent @tranquilsea‘s reply is?

“I respectfully disagree that you are in a relationship” vs “I think it would be helpful for the OP to think about what she wants the relationship to be.”

see? i thought you just said she wasn’t in a relationship?

this kind of confusion in a 20 year old’s brain is so annoying it’s enough to have to post online about it. ;)

ninjacolin's avatar

when you get your terms straight, when there’s no ambiguity, your brain’s resources are more free to invent better ideas about how to behave. This applies in all aspects of life..

Likeradar's avatar

@ninjacolin You’re right about the words, and if this were a writing class you’d likely be praised for your attention to detail. But it’s not, and everyone knows exactly what the OP means when she asks if she’s in a relationship with this dude. I think anyone who reads @tranquilsea‘s response would know exactly what she means as well. The point of language is to get your point across, and everyone who has used the word “relationship” makes it clear through context what type they mean.

ninjacolin's avatar

“everyone knows exactly what the OP means when she asks if she’s in a relationship with this dude.”

So we agree that clearly she’s in a relationship with this dude, right?

tranquilsea's avatar

@ninjacolin the type of relationship you are alluding to is a pretty minimal one albeit one sought after by many guys in around that age and some women. You are really arguing semantics of the word “relationship”. I’m trying to help the OP with what is obviously weighing on her heart. I notice that you didn’t quote any of where I stated that she may want to think about what she wants from the relationship.

ninjacolin's avatar

@bean i’ll cut passed all the bs here:

Yes, you’re in a relationship.
No, you’re not getting what you want out of it. Obviously.

Whatever more you want from this relationship, as many including tranquilsea have stated, you’re gonna have to go after since this guy either doesn’t know how to, doesn’t know he can, or just isn’t interested. Your mission, should you accept it, is to find out which it is and what he really wants. We can’t give you that answer.

Relationships never truly end, they only change.

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