Do you think some people are "bar people" and others not?

I have digital t.v. and high speed internet so I don’t go to bars… they are too scary and loud in my home town…girls get to decide what they want when they want… they are a mystery that a man can never solve

It sounds like you want other people to do the hard work. I go to bars all the time and don’t have a problem jumping into a conversation. Sometimes I will ask to sit at a empty seat if there is a empty one at the table. 90% of the time people don’t care and I can work my way into conversations. And I am I shy nerd that likes to talk about webservers. I can usually find people to hang out with.

I’m not looking to meet someone or get laid. I will sit down next to a group of guys. The “I’m only here to get laid” vibe is very easy to spot.

@MissAnthrope Don’t take it personal. @JohnPowell has the right idea. Just find people and talk. Anyone looking is always turned down. They can smell you a “mile away!” Best approach always, “be cool and have fun with people!”

I hate going to bars Yes, I think some people are just not bar people.

It’s not even like that, seriously. There have been times when I went to a bar alone and just wanted to chat up whoever looked nice or interesting, so that I wouldn’t have to sit there by myself. I get shot down regardless.. I recognize it’s probably something about me, most likely how nervous and shy I am, comes across as something that people aren’t attracted to.

But what I don’t get is that really, I’m a pretty friendly person. I have no skills at picking people up, so I wouldn’t even know what to do, even if I wanted to. Most of the time, I’d be happy to just chat or flirt a little, but no one wants to talk to me. I apparently repel them.

I just think I am not a bar person. Maybe I am just not interested enough in the games and crap people do.

@Violet back in the 70’s when disco was HOT….had a LOT of fun in the bars. Now days, never crosses my mind to go to a bar.

@MissAnthrope you have to go to the same bar for a while to work into the “in crowd,” so to speak. It takes time to develop relationships.

”Do you think some people are “bar people” and others not?”
Absolutely.
I hate noise. I hate crowds. I hate alcohol. I hate the atmosphere.
Thus, I am not a bar person.

”what is the point of going to a bar, if you’re going to be all bitchy and judgey?”
Perhaps she had her eyes set on someone else in the bar, just as you had your eyes set on her.
Also, because people are just bitches.

@BoBo1946 I liked it when I was in my early 20’s. I don’t like it for the same reasons as @Sarcasm (I will only have a glass of wine of very special occasions)

@Violet OH MY GOSH…the fun I had back then…shameful…could tell some stories that would make your socks “row up and down like window shades!” Just sitting here remeniscing….

Anyway, I find it depressing. It makes me question myself when, generally, I think I’m worth knowing, that I’m interesting, unusual, etc. Maybe I should just give up going to bars; obviously it’s not for me at all.

@MissAnthrope are you still shy after a couple of drinks?

@MissAnthrope maybe you are going to the wrong type of bars.

@BoBo1946 – Yeah. It takes more than a couple. I had enough tonight where, actually, I almost talked to the girl I was admiring. I would have totally done it, I’d had enough to drink. This new friend completely jumped in and offered, so I let her.. and the girl’s response made me really glad I didn’t have to deal with it first-hand.

@Violet – I usually go to gay bars, but it happens regardless. I think I’m just not right for that kind of situation.

@Violet true….back then, always went to classy place i could find. Chesterfield’s in Memphis was a HOT spot back then.

“flirt a little” That might be the problem. And talk to other guys too. If you have been sitting in the corner and then approach someone that seems odd. It is easier if you can bullshit yourself into a conversation for a hour then you try to make smalltalk with someone. It looks like you know people and are actually interested in them instead of hitting on the first pretty lady you see.

I spent about a year working on the road and living in hotels. I got pretty good at being in random bars in random towns where I didn’t know anyone. I’m socially awkward too.

That said. I couldn’t see myself finding a girlfriend in a bar. Maybe some kissing, heavy petting, and oral. But I would never fuck someone I met at a bar.

If I’m being really honest, I find bars super lame. I go sometimes (usually special occasions like birthdays or halloween)... but seriously people who go there a lot just want to get shitfaced so the next day they can talk about how hammered they got like it’s a new amazing conversation topic we haven’t heard a million times before. I rather talk about the weather.

People are super judgey at the bar. No one can hear each other talking so looks are all you have to go on. Some lame ass might start shit if you just bump into them, or accidentally make eye contact…girls and guys do this.

So yes, everyone has their own idea of fun. Bars are NOT for everyone.

If you’re looking to meet women, try a place where people have the same interests as you and where you’ll go regularly. You can build relationships naturally that way. It sounds like your personality does not suit bars.

I totally don’t expect to get a relationship out of a bar. Honestly, I hate bars. They’re way too loud, I am not very good at the social dance that happens there, and I usually leave feeling really bad about myself. I keep going because I get dragged out by extroverts or people who fare really well at bars and they just don’t get it. Every time I go, I think that I’ll try to behave in a more socially-appropriate way, that I’ll figure it out, but I never do.

I thought tonight might be different because I’ve lived here for several months and don’t know anyone. I was kind of hoping I might make some friends, but I don’t think I have the social skills to make it work. Something about that makes me feel really shitty and a bit hopeless. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to meet people otherwise? I mean, don’t people go out for that?

I’m in my 50’s, and go to local bars to hear music, and spend a lot of time watching how people interact. It seems hard for younger people to meet someone if they don’t know people. Many girls of the traditional looking cute type seem to be very stand-offish. On the other hand, the quirkily dressed, off-beat looking girls seem to be having a blast, and talking to all sorts of people. I like neighborhood bars with live music because you can always talk about the music. I talk to everyone who looks like they want to be talked to. These are generally people who make eye contact and smile.

I think meeting new people is much harder than people assume it’s going to be. It’s not so much that you need a “line” as it is that you need a style, relaxed and confident. That’s hard to do.

@MissAnthrope since you said you hate bars, I don’t think you’re a bar person. I’m not a bar person either. Bars aren’t a good place to make friends. Do you have some kind of lgbt club in your area?

@MissAnthrope got’cha….when i saw someone amusing or drew my attention, would just go up to them and say hello and tell her my name and say, “nice to meet you” and go from there. If they are a nice person, the conversation will flow….if not, no big deal..After all, almost every person in that bar is there to meet someone. Again, almost everyone is there for the same reason…to meet someone and have fun. Having said that, some people may have just gotten out of a bad relationship and NOT interested in meeting someone. That could have been your situation. This person was just not interested at the time. It was no reflexion on you!

I agree that thaere are many people, myself included, who are not “bar types”. I generally feel uncomfortable around people I don’t know, the music is rarely, if ever, to my taste. I do drink, but prefer to be in total control of the surroundings when I do (which means I drink at home, usually alone).

In my military career, I often was required to attend events in officers clubs. I found that the safest thing to do was show up at the last possible moment, order one drink and just hold it in my hand (must order alcohol, otherwise you were labelled a wuss) and then leave as soon as possible. Some officers would get argumentative after a few drinks; to me, alcohol and a successful career don’t mix.

In the civilian world I continue to stay out of bars. Civilians and I don’t speak the same language. I don’t need the hassle of having to stomp on some scumbag over a misunderstanding in language. In my experience, civilian bars tend to attract the worst predatory types. If I see some jerk bothering a lady, I cannot avoid interfering, so best to stay away from such places.

Pardon me if I am being off base, but are you talking about a gay bar? If so, then I would think that the chances of meeting someone would be particularly difficult, because people would have a hard time telling what your intentions are and may tend to be overly defensive.

Perhaps a bar is not your natural habitat. There is of course a bar “culture” and if you are not into that it shows. Bars too have cliques and often times do not let newbies in so to speak. I’d dump the bar idea in terms of meeting someone and get to more interesting places where you shine. There you will as a natural progression meet interesting other people. Bars in your book should be seen simple as a social time with your friends, as it is obviously putting a lot of pressure on you and leaving you feeling down.

@MissAnthrope How about clubs? Not as in “clubbing” clubs but as in sailing, hiking, reading, wine-tasting…...My husband joined a sailing club years ago and both he and I have made numerous friends through it. Many of the people who joined were single or divorced and a number of couples have emerged. There is a website called meetup.com which lists interest activities that anyone can go to in a specific town or city.

I’m not a bar person. Even when I was a lot younger and went to the bar on occasion, I was there to dance. Period. I’d be irritated with a man who wanted to follow me back to my table. Why do you want to know my name? No, I can buy my own drink.
I never thought the bar was a good place to start a relationship, and consequently didn’t try. I know that there are many who are out there for that, but I would send a man away with a flea in his ear and disabuse him of the idea that I was one of them. I just want to dance. I finally wised up and would only go with a girlfriend and dance with her.
The bar is a public place, and I don’t feel the need to fall into that particular category. Everybody isn’t there to get picked up.

I don’t think it makes a difference if you’re at a bar or not when it comes to meeting people.Don’t wait for them to approach you.Make the first move in a conversation.Be interested in what they have to say and don’t worry too much about what others think of you.If they are not interested in talking,throw a pie in their face.. :) .or maybe not—just don’t take it too personal—

Yes some people are drunk people and some aren’t. No, it’s not all about the alcohol – the bar culture itself is dumb.

I find that bar people are people who like to drink. Everyone is all boozed-up and the inhibitions go out the window, which of course eases the social anxiety that can occur in such situations. Since I don’t really drink, I am not a bar person.

Girl bars are horrible. Talk about a meat market. Most of the people who go to them are looking for a hook-up not pleasant conversation. You might just come across as not in it for a good time, so to speak.

I never go to bars. I don’t drink alcohol at all, so it is kind of pointless for me to be there.

One person may go through periods of frequenting bars and periods when they don’t. I don’t think it has too much to do with alcohol, but has more to do with looking to be social.

Of course. Bar people are losers. The rest of us have a chance.

Whether or not you enjoy the bar is based on your experience of it. This was an exceedingly negative experience. Anyone who has the kinds of memories you’ve acquired about the bar would find it unattractive.

So, yes, some people are “bar” people and others are not. Respectively, that would be those who have fond memories of their experiences with it and those who have the opposite.

If you would like to try an experiment, round up a few friends and go to the bar with the goal of not hitting on anyone, not expecting anyone to hit on you, and not expecting to gain anything from your visit besides some good times with those friends. The experiment fails if you get into a fight (unless you kick some major ass, of course) get a drink thrown on you (unless it’s a sexual thing) or experience any “act of rawd” that might upset your group’s intentions. If the experiment fails, try again the next night at perhaps another bar or pub.

If you succeed, and you are able to create positive enjoyable memories, you too will be one step closer to becoming a “Bar Person.”

I recently found myself in a bar after avoiding them for 16 years. When I was 19 and 20 I went to the bar maybe 15 times. It was too loud, guys were too forward and too many people got too drunk. I was usually the DD, which was fine by me because I couldn’t fathom becoming drunk with predatory guys around.

I’m definitely not a bar person. Now pubs aren’t that bad as long as they are clean.

@MissAnthrope You know, some of us really aren’t bar people. We don’t like having to get sloshed in order to be able to talk to someone. We don’t like going into situations where it’s a kind of forced set of judgments on who is in and who is out; who is worthy of talking to and who isn’t.

I’d go to a bar if I went with friends. I’d be guaranteed to have someone to talk to, and we’d have an interesting conversation. If someone else wanted in, then maybe we’d meet someone new.

But normally I don’t go to bars. Never did. Not my kind of place to hang out. I much prefer hanging out with friends at home or a restaurant. Maybe a couple of glasses of wine.

In any case, what do you expect? Misanthrope! If you want to start picking up people at bars, you better change your name. I actually believe it would make a difference. It changes the way you think about yourself—or, at least, that’s what my name change has done. Name yourself something more hopeful—something that encourages connection. You don’t have to stick with a name that encourages depression and distance from others.

Besides which, people like you here. So you can’t be as bad as all that! :-)

Well, apparently I just need to be a hermit that lives online. Because that’s where I do best.

@MissAnthrope I am happy being a hermit

@MissAnthrope Maybe we can start a club for hermits and all be hermits together?

Post removed by me. Not sure how it got here. Wondered where it had disappeared. But it’s now over where it was supposed to be. Sorry for any confusion.

@wundayatta Not sure if you’re posting on the question you think you’re posting on, but point taken.

The only reason I ever went to a bar was to get drunk or laid or both. That being said, I’ve never met anyone in a bar that I was proud to be with. That doesn’t mean I don’t like to drink, I do, but a night out at a bar can be very expensive, Sometimes too expensive. Especially if you’re living on a meager salary and looking to hook up with the opposite sex. The following borrowed story completely explains why I stopped going to bars.

Why I Didn’t Buy You a Drink

You: Cute girl at the bar.
Me: The guy you chatted with while waiting for our drinks.
The topic: Why I didn’t buy you a drink.
The audience: Women everywhere, please read this. I know it’s long, but I feel the length is expedient to truly illustrating and arguing my point.

I was waiting to order right as things were getting really crazy. It was obvious that it would be a long wait. What can I say? I can’t compete with all the douches yelling for Jagerbombs. It was then that you appeared. A cute, petite, slightly hipster-ish girl standing next to me, waiting to order as well. The conversation began in the typical manner, simply relating on how frustrating it is when you spend half a night out just waiting for a drink. It then evolved into a true conversation. I spent the next twenty minutes finding out you have great taste in music, movies and literature. You laughed at my jokes, and that’s a big deal to average-looking guys like me.

Unfortunately, after we’d both finished our respective drinks, but were still immersed in discussion, you dropped a bomb that sent shrapnel into my heart.

“So, are you going to buy me a drink or what?”

I had been dreading this moment. I’ve learned from hard experience that any prolonged conversation with a girl at a club or bar inevitably requires a fee of rum and coke, vodka tonic or God forbid, a cosmo. As cute as you were, I felt obligated to retain my self respect.

“Sorry, I don’t buy girls drinks. Just kind of my policy.

You looked at me like I told you I was going to rape your dog Charlie (yes, I remember his name). Your face morphed from a beautiful smile into a twisted caricature of shock, revulsion and utter disbelief.

“Seriously, you’re not going to buy me a drink? What the hell’s your problem?”

Well, sweetheart, let me explain to you in detail my logic regarding this decision that you found so unbelievable:

1. I’ve been going to bars for a couple of years now. I enjoy meeting people when I do. I enjoy meeting attractive girls like yourself. I have, however, learned that buying girls drinks is a sucker’s game. Yes, it has developed into sharing my bed for the night a couple of times, but 90% of the time, all it does is give me a higher bar tab. Now you might say that I’m a prick for expecting a girl to sleep with me just because I buy her a drink. I agree that an $8 cocktail does not and should not equal a sexual encounter. However, I believe spending time and money on a girl when I could be having a good night out with my friends does entitle me to one of the following things: You reciprocating by buying me a drink, you giving me your phone number and/or going out on a date with me, where once again, I’ll be spending time and money on you. Notice that sex is not a requirement or expectation that is coupled with any of these options. Now, of course, if I had offered to buy you a drink and you had accepted, you are not obligated to any of these things. The big distinction here is that you asked me to buy you a drink, and were shocked when I wouldn’t do so. This brings me to my second point.

2. You know exactly what you’re doing. You’re an attractive girl, and when you go out there is no shortage of guys offering to buy you drinks. You know that they are all doing so with the hope that it will lead to sex with you. You know that’s not going to happen, but you will accept the free drinks anyway. I don’t hold this against you. If they’re dumb enough to think that buying you a drink is the key to your heart and that they are somehow different from all the other Ed Hardy-wearing frat bros, then it’s their own damned fault. You’re using your God-given assets to get free alcohol, nothing wrong with that. But, it is precisely because I know you do this that I will not become another douche trying to get into your pants with a mixed drink. It’s insulting to my dignity as a man and your honor as a woman. I noticed you when I first walked in. I saw you dancing with that hopeless collar-popper. I saw him go to the bar and bring back a drink to you on the dance floor. I saw how the very second that the glass was placed in your hand, you gave him the “Thanks for the drink, it was really nice meeting you” treatment, complete with the obligatory pat on the chest. I saw the pathetic defeated look on his face as you walked away. He will enter the next round of bar-hopping a little wiser, I hope.

3. You took my unwillingness to fall into such a trap as an insult. You accused me of being stuck-up. You then said that I had a chance at fucking you, but that I’d ruined it by being an asshole. What exactly are you trying to tell me? That the asinine idea that getting a girl a drink will get you into her pants is actually true? That your decision of whether or not to sleep with a guy is based on him liquoring you up? We had a good conversation, and maybe you were interested in me. But, the fact that any rapport we built was destroyed when I wouldn’t buy you a gin and tonic means that I am no longer interested in you. Not all guys are desperate sperm donors. Some of us actually value a good conversation, and we value girls who have enough respect for themselves that they don’t actually view sex as a transaction.

4. We established during our conversation that we are both broke-ass fine art students. Why then would you expect that I, someone who shares your financial woes, would want to spend money on you, a girl that I just met? I don’t believe that chivalry is dead. I’ll hold a door for you. I’ll pull out your chair or take your coat. I’ll help you change a flat tire, carry you over deep puddles, figure out the remote, reset your modem. I’ll even help you move when I know you a little better. Why? Because I’m a gentleman. I will not, however, buy you a drink under the pretense that it is what a gentleman does, because I simply cannot afford it. If you want a guy who can afford to buy you whatever you want, find yourself a fifty year old sugar daddy. There was certainly no shortage of potentials at the bar the other night.

I hope this illustrated my thought-process clearly enough. I hope you realize that you seemed amazing at first, and that declining to buy you a drink was in no way an insult. Your reaction, however, revealed the self-entitled, game-playing she-devil that was lurking beneath. I thank God for the out that he provided at that moment, though. Just after you finished your little rant on what a dick I was for not boozing you up, a group of girls emerged at the bar right behind you. Two of these girls were thin and pretty. They immediately got the attention of some bros and had free drinks within minutes. The third girl was overweight and out of place. She had clearly spent a great deal of time and effort on her appearance, but alas, she was once again forsaken by her prettier friends and left to stand by herself, looking miserable. Luckily, I know when the universe has given me a profound gift. There were two incredible moments that filled me with an elation that could not be rivaled by the orgasm I would have had while fucking you. The first was the sincere, excited smile that the chubby girl gave me when I moved past you and asked what she wanted to drink. The second was turning back and seeing the look of horror on your face. Your pathetic “Have fun with the fatty” remark as you walked away was priceless. I may be broke, but I was willing to go into the red to make this girl’s night and to piss you off. I’m sure as soon as you left you got plenty of free drinks and plenty of idiots drooling over you. I just hope that I got under your skin deep enough to prevent any enjoyment of those things.

I had a great night. I introduced the big girl to an open-minded friend and, as I write this, they are across the hall having loud sex. Normally, going to bed alone, subjected to the sounds of raucous lovemaking across the hall would be a serious downer. But tonight, as I crawl into my lonely bed, I will go to sleep comforted by the fact that I have retained my self-respect. Having encountered more than a few spoiled bimbos, I infer that sex with you would have consisted of you lying on your back expecting me to be so grateful that I’m seeing your hot, naked bod makes up for the fact that you are putting absolutely no effort into this sexual experience. This may just be me trying to rationalize going to bed alone tonight, but hey, what can you do?

The moral: Ladies, accept drinks if they are offered. Do not expect them. And, if you’re feeling particularly wild on a given night, offer to buy the guy a drink. He will be instantly smitten.

@Rufus_T_Firefly I remember reading that story. I loved it.

@Sarcasm – I’m absolutely positive that I met that same girl on more than one occasion. I’m pretty sure I told her to go fuck herself, too!