Is it possible to become a single-parent by choice within a committed relationship?

It’s late and I’m tired so I won’t post a long answer but it sounds like a recipe for a lot of pain to me. I don’t see how it could work out. Although I understand and support people who are single parents by choice, remaining in a relationship with someone who doesn’t wnt kids while becoming a parent oneself seems like a setup for a great deal of conflict and divisiveness. But that’s just my opinion, it might work out fine for some people.

Yes, of course it is. I do not believe it is a good idea if the laternative of marriage is available, but it is physically and legally possible and it is done quite often. With the discriminatory laws on the books in most states, it is commonplace in committed same-sex relationships.

In your hypothetical of the partners disagreeing on whether to have children or not, I think going against the will of the partner who is against it is a terrible idea. Better to tell them, if your desire for a child is that strong, that while you love them you are not willing to grow onld without ever having a child of your own. Ask them if they can work through their aversion to children, or if there are financial or other issues they must clear first, and they would love to be a parent after those issues are handled. But if they are simply not parental material, either move on or sublimate your desires if your love for them is stronger than your wish to procreate.

It’s one thing to be an exhausted single parent on your own, and have no one to turn to, except maybe the odd friend or two who are willing to help out. It’s another thing to be a “single” parent within a marriage and be tired and exhausted. Everyone will wonder why your spouse isn’t helping out. It will be acutely uncomfortable for the spouse to maintain the attitude that it’s all on you. I think the only way it could possibly work is if you maintained two different households. Even then….

I don’t think it’s realistic for a lasting relationship.

I’m envisioning this situation from the point of view of being a woman who eventually wants a child. I’m also drunk fluthering, so take what a say with that in mind. If I get pregnant and my guy doesn’t want a child, my body will change in ways he’s not excited about. If I had a child, my idea of how I should spend my time will change in ways he’s not excited about. My priorities will drastically shift in ways he’s not excited about. My future plans and finances will change in ways he’s not excited about. What’s the motivation for him to stay with me? How is this the relationship he signed on for? I’m not talking about an unplanned pregnancy between the two of us, as that comes with a whole different set of issues.

On the other hand, if he somehow had a child and I didn’t want to be a parent, the time and energy he spends with me will dramatically change. The plans for our future will dramatically change. If this were to happen, I’d be wondering where the guy I fell for went.

Committed relationships are partially about a shared view of life and common plans for the future. One member of the relationship having a child against the will of the other member changes everything, and I cannot imagine that change being a good thing.

Is it possible to have an unbalanced relationship? Yes but the reason it doesn’t happen is the same reason they would not yoke an oxen to a goat to plow a field. Traveling the road together is great but you also want to be traveling with the same destination in mind. It seems like sooner or later your paths will diverge because you’ll have very different motivations.

I hate to think about the psychological effects on a child living in the same house as a parent who wants no involvement with him/her… it sounds like a recipe for disaster and I foresee the child bearing the biggest, most damaging brunt.

On the other hand, it’s not as if there haven’t been plenty of “absentee” fathers who just go to work and come home, and expect dinner on the table, and never interact with the kids. That’s the woman’s job. Oh, and they play golf on the weekends, and maybe watch the games on Sundays. No time, you see, to be with the kids. Is that so different from what the OP is proposing?

That would be just playing with the other person’s feelings. I wouldn’t do it.

@wundayatta
Being less involved is one thing but not wanting a child is a whole other ball of wax

@SeventhSense True that!

@wundayatta
Absent Dad might share a Lucky and a bourbon with Junior every once in a while. :)

@wundayatta – in my case, my dad wanted me and my mom didn’t. It’s a long story, but I knew full well what it meant to be desired by one parent and not the other. It put me in the middle of a miserable relationship.

My aunt and uncle did this. The baby grew on my uncle though and he became involved and even insisted they have another child. Kinda like an after school special.

@prolificus Please don’t mistake my bringing up that phenomenon to be an endorsement of it. I do not approve of absentee parenting at all. I think both parents should be very actively involved in the raising of their children. All I was trying to point out was that something similar to what the OP was suggesting was a precedent.

Bad for everyone. Single parent resents (eventually) putting in all the work alone and not being supported in parenting duties, other parents becomes resentful that their partner is always occupied with the child and may resent/be jealous of the relationship between the child/parent. Almost certainly will be money issues – how do you figure out finances when one person isn’t involved in a huge money-sucker/investment (the child). Money can be complicated when you’re both equally involved. And the child? Gonna be messed up. It’s one thing to grow up without one parent but how do you deal with living with that parent who has essentially abandoned you.

I survived single parenting while I was married to my children’s uterus provider.

I do not recommend that any couple do this intentionally.

There is nothing positive about such a possible scenario.